My husband and I always said that the only people we would let move in with us was our mothers - if that was the only option. Both our fathers are deceased. However, I wonder if I really meant that. I love my mom and adore my MIL, but living together and seeing either one of them everyday would drive me insane. They don't really do anything bad, but as an adult woman, I need my private space, and they do too. We have a modest size house, so we would not be able to get away from one another. Both moms smoke like chimneys and don't want to quit. There's no smoking in my house. Plus, my mom is quite messy and doesn't quite understand that you don't treat someone else's house like you do yours. I know someone whose mom has lived with her and her husband since day one. They have never lived as a family w/o her mom. In fact, it's her, her husband, her sister, her mom and the two kids. They've been married for 14 years and it just works. I don't know if I could do it for an extended period of time. Both our moms have told us that they prefer to live independently and wouldn't want to burden us. We see them both weekly and I'm good with that. I loves my mom, but we would not be good roommates long term. We would get on each others nerves for sure.
This is selfish, but I'm honest. I think our relationships would deteriorate. I'm set in my ways and they certainly are. How do you have an argument with your husband with you moms around? They would be all in our business. Nope, I can't do it, but if they were ill, I would do it. Would this work for you? Maybe some of you are actually in this situation. If so, how do you make this work?
I would pay an arm and a leg to send either my MIL or my own mother somewhere REALLY nice rather than have them live with me. My MIL harbors a "hidden" hatred for me, so that in and of itself would make that difficult. My mother... well, I love her, but... no. Just no. Fortunately, she feels the same way. :)
Totally agree with Tracy M. I'm dreading going to visit my MIL for Thanksgiving there's no way I'd ever want her living with me.
No way in hell could I do this. My Mom is deceased, but I know that I could not even if she was living. My MIL drives me nuts long distance. I couldn't do this period....
I would sell a kidney to finance a nursing home before that ever happened. No. no. no.
NO.NO.NO.
My mother is one of the most negative people on earth. She is sooo toxic, unfortunately. My mother in law...while sweet....talks constantly, and is a people pleaser. ( I DO mean, constantly. Her mouth is never closed) Such a people pleaser, that she will do and get things you don't want (or would ever) to maybe get a good reaction. She oversteps her bounds all the time, just to possibly get praise.
I don't even like having a dinner guest, I could NOT have anyone living in my house. Least of all, our mothers. My MIL is very well off. The have enough saved, to live their life out in a very high end elderly community. (They have already expressed their wishes, and the place the would like to live. They offer retire communities, through needing around the clock care.)
My parents, I don't know what we will do. We will have to figure that out when the time comes. They will not be living with me, that much is certain.
I don't care if that sounds mean, or callous. I will take care of them, but not in my home.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Period.
I've lived with parents as an adult. I've also lived with siblings as an adult. Both were BAD.
Oh, and my MIL dislikes me. I'm pretty sure she'd try to poison me or something, lol.
We just bought MIL her own house close to us. We agreed early that having either of them live with us would not be a goo thing. A week is about all I can stand. I don't think it's selfish ... It's recognizing what you both need and trying to help achieve what works best.
We will do whatever we need to to see to it that our parents are taken care of, but not in our home. I do think it would wear on our relationship, although I think my husband would handle it better than I would. My mom is extremely respectful of my marriage and my need for space (and her own), so she has already said that she would never want to live with us, or with my brother's family.
We are already helping to care for my ex-step-father. He is in a well-chosen assisted living home, and is blind and has MS. My brother and I both visit him every week, take him to all doctor and dentist appointments, and buy his groceries each week. The home provides 3 meals a day, but he likes to have lots of drinks and snacks. He stayed with us for awhile while we were finding a place for him to live permanently when he first lost his sight, and that was difficult, but necessary. We didn't mind because we love him, and he needed us . . . and it was temporary. Now he is very happy in the place he lives, and he is well-cared for. It works for all of us.
No, not under any circumstances.
Oh HELL No!
I love and adore my mom, but she would drive bat sh** crazy.. And I do not even speak with my MIL..
We had been told by my SIL her husband told her before they got married, your mother is NEVER living with us.. and so I was the one expected to look after her.. But now that she is has treated me so poorly.. she can suck it..
No. I would pay their bills, buy them a house, hire them help, and help them myself but I would NOT live with either. EVER.
I also won't feel guilty. Mine was neglectful and abusive. My MIL has caused so much harm due to not taking her meds and being bipolar.
I had always figured I would be the one that ended up with my mom at the end. I figured that she would take my MIL's bedroom that has it's own bathroom attached. She could have her own TV in her room and do whatever she wanted in there. There is also a back door right there by her door and the laundry room so she could go out to smoke when she felt the need.
Another friend of mine had her mom living with her to the end and she had lived with them for some time. It was really nice though.
They have bought a couple of old houses that had been moved to be sold to make way for a park around a business. They put both houses on their property then built a perfect kitchen, living room, and music room between the 2 houses. So in fact they had a full house on one side then the new living room was where the old kitchen had been in the one house plus it took in that space in the new add on that joined them both.
Her mom basically had her own "house" space to spend her time in. They had all their meals together in the main dining area so they actually had a lot of space to be apart or together.
I think attitude is paramount to getting along. If there are hard feelings then it won't work. Loving them and knowing this is probably the last place they will live should make ones heart more compassionate.
I would very GLADLY let my M. move in with us.... my MIL is deceased, but I'm sure we would have been very willing to let her move in, also......
Yes, there would be adjustments to do, but I would love to have my M. close by! She currently lives with my sister (my M. is unable to live alone now), but has stayed with us for several weeks at a time for a visit.
My M. is 88 now... I cherish what little time I have with her!
My husband is Filipino and it's their culture to have their parents move in with them when they retire. My husband is also the oldest "kid", and in his culture they move in with the oldest kid. His dad is no longer living, but his mom is about to retire in a few years and she is totally welcome to move in with us. We are trying to buy a home right now and are hoping to have enough room for her too. I have no problem with it at all. Yes, we will butt heads in the kitchen, but I think besides that we will be fine.
I don't know if I could if my mom or mother in law was quite capable of living on her own. BUT, I would totally live my my mother in law if she ever needed to for us to take care of her. I don't have to worry about my mom, because she lives with my sister. And growing up...we lived with my grandparents until they passed away..so I guess the concept isn't foreign to me at all.
i could NEVER live with my mom EVER again. we are just polar oppisites and can not stand to be around each other for a long period of time. and since ive moved out of her house when i was 18 ive changed sooo much that i know if i moved back with her or her with us i would go back to how i used to be and i am working on NOT being like her in one bit
No way!
My MIL is the Christian woman who will drive me insane. She lives in heaven, not world. We are not allowed to watch TV or listen world songs.
She also make frog sounds whenever cleaning her mucous, it is so ewww...she doesn't care whether there is someone eating nearby.
She also always put her tissue( after peeing) on the bathroom sink. Can you imagine me throw it away? So disgusting.
She also wants me to wake up at 4 and become virtue woman. Obey MIL like Ruth and Naomi in the Bible.
Eww...so no....
Do not look at it as selfish. First of all you and your husband had this discussion"hypothetically". The reality truly is, that it would not work for you, regardless of how good your intentions were, for a variety of reasons....you discussed it, but didn't mean it. Neither you nor your moms care for the option. You have too many differences among you to live together. I, like your friend, always lived with my mom and dad. So it was mom, Dad, me, hubby and the kids. I am also spanish and we usually take care of our elderly as well. So, in my case, this is something that was instilled. It comes down to....if you can do it, great. If not, there are other options to look at. Bottom line, when that time comes, you will all figure it out. I'm going through something similar with my MIL and we couldn't live together, she is too stubborn and set in her ways, and ultimately she knows I wouldn't let her live the reckless way she likes to, disregarding her health and ultimately will not agree to it and we are going to have to look at other options. Good luck.
I would allow my MIL to live with us, but no way to my mother. I'd go insane within a month. And for some reason, to this day, my bratty, teenage self seems to come out when dealing with my mother.
I could, but I have a totally different situation and respect everyone making this decision. My mom and I have boundaries, separate lives and would probably work out a way we could build a granny flat for her.
We know we drive one another batty, we know we need our separate space, but I could be with her every day and/or care for her. I always assumed I would when the time came.
Yes I could - either/both of my parents or in-laws would be fine with us. If we ever were in that situation I would hope that we'd be able to sell their home and that they would be able to use some of the proceeds to renovate in such a way that we could build an in-law apartment so that they could have some privacy and space and we could too. Honestly our house is 1100 sq ft now and we already have 6 people living in it and both my parents and in-laws own their homes (my IL's actually have more than one home) and are in great health. So...it's unlikely that if there were some kind of illness or accident tomorrow that we would be the best solution for care but later in life, I would be able to easily open my home to whoever needed it, and if my kids had already moved out we wouldn't even need the IL-apartment scenario unless that's what they preferred.
Been there, done that with my MIL. I love her so much from a distance, but under one roof, we don't mix.
For me, a woman needs her own kitchen. I can't have someone moving my stuff out of the fridge to make room for her own stuff; breaking my glassware that we got for our wedding; using the last of ingredients without telling me; dripping water all over my floor and not cleaning it up; only lightly cleaning pots & pans and leaving all the heavy scrubbing to me; giving my kids foods I don't want them to eat, even though she'd never dream of ingesting them, herself; watching over my shoulder every time I cooked to make sure that she approved of my ingredients; using the bathroom with the door open; washing a small amount of clothes with and extra large load setting; throwing my clothes into the dryer without checking to see which can and cannot be dried, or if the stains I was treating got out; inviting people over to our house without checking my schedule to see if I can actually swing it & then acting like a guest and leaving all the hostessing duties to me during the gathering; wearing my slippers; tracking slushy snow through my house rather than removing the shoes at the front door; leaving used tissues all over the house; not securing prescription medications in a safe place; undermining my authority with my kids ALL THE TIME; allowing superstitions to rule the house (like, don't cut down that shrub in the back yard, or someone in the family will die--I'm not kidding about that--she truly believes it)....yeah, we don't do well living together.
They now live 1500 miles away, but will be moving back here in the next few years. We will build a new home (God willing) and build a separate in-law apartment for them, with totally separate access and their own garage stall. Otherwise, I'd go insane.
ETA-As I type this we are about 60 hours into a 10 day visit from them. It has already strengthened my resolve that we cannot live together.
I did live with my mom for about 6 months, while waiting for our new home to be built. My husband stayed behind (different state) to continue working and help sell our old house and I moved in with my mom, plus our daughter, so I could start my new job. It wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be - we just kept butting heads on everything. I was already 36 years old, and used to being on my own, running my own household, and doing things my way, but living with my mom, it was like she reverted back to being my mom who wanted to be in control and in charge of everything, and just expected me to concede. It could be something as simple as how stuff got arranged in the dishwasher to which door I used to take the dogs outside - she wanted things her way and made a big deal if I wanted to do things my way. Things were fine once our new house was done and we were able to move in. But being roommates wasn't always a walk in the park.
Both my hubby and I know that his mom would drive as bananas. She is just very batty and how she goes about things just doesn't make sense at all. She will talk and talk about things and people that we don't care about it or that we don't even know. She's been out to visit us (she lives out of state) and 5 days at a time is just about all we can handle. I know she did live with hubby's sister for almost a year and she drove them insane - it was one argument after another and endless drama. Some people have suggested that it must be a mother-daughter thing but I am sure she would start to work my last nerve too.
I could never do it. If they were ill and had no place to go, then of course I would. It just wouldn't be good for our relationship. I used to live in the same town as my MIL, she was over all the time, called all the time and randomly stopped by all the time. I love my MIL but it was just too much, especially since she's the type who doesn't hesitate to tell you what she thinks of something good or bad. It can almost be comical at times. Since moving a few hours away, I find that my relationship with her has never been better and I look forward to her visiting and even staying a few days.
Wow. Yall are in a different space than I. Maybe it is cultural. I am black and no way would I even marry someone who favored nursing homes over living in for our needy parents.
HECK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did that and it ruined our relationship with my MIL and really strained the one with my mom!!!!! Financially, both of our mom's needed the help. We helped them and it was a NIGHTMARE!!!!!! I could write a book of all that happened when the two of them moved in with us...
NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
I would have probably let my own Mother move in if it really came down to it; but my mother-in-law, not only no, but HELL NO!!! My Mother and I had a great relationship whereas we could tell each other what was bothering us, etc. and give each other the space we needed. But my MIL, she has no clue that other people actually have feelings, lives, opinions, etc., so it would not work at all!
I totally get what you're saying!!
Why don't the two of THEM move in together!!!
Both are now deceased.
But if that had come up the answer would be
never! nunca! كلا! nie! (副) 決し!
So glad you have a better relationship and that it works out.
No way no how, under no circumstances. I feel as an adult you need to take care of yourself and not expect other people to take care of you. Also my mom is a loony with a drinking issue, and my MIL is totally rude and disrespectful, if either one was normal, and I had a good relationship with them I would think about it. My dad built an addition onto his house for my grandma, so they can keep an eye on her but still have their own space. I get the impression she still drives my stepmom a little nutsy though, lol. Especially now shes really getting up there in age, so she does and says some crazy stuff.
We bought our first house hoping that someday my MIL would move in with us, keeping in mind she is elderly so we'd need a single story or at least a master bedroom downstairs, we like gas hookups but chose electric appliances at first, a nice enclosed back porch with a fan and a shady area to do light gardening if she so chose, and a neat active seniors community club. We even decorated the guest room to look just like the town she's from. She didn't come because she was scared of the USA (everyone walks around with guns, she thought) and then the alzheimers began to take hold and we were having legal battles to get her here so we could care for her. (my BILs didn't want her to leave the country even though they only visit her like 3 days every 3-4 months, when we wanted her to live in a home and be loved on and cared for by family)....by the time that started slowing down, it was a little too late. The alzheimers progressed to a point where she'd be scared now, to be somewhere unfamiliar and new, because she'd keep forgetting where she is now. We call her everyday, but she isn't living with us.
We bought this current house, because it met OUR needs and likes, but part of it is that it has a 2nd master bedroom (walkin closet, it's own full sized bath, etc) on the opposite end of the house as our master bedroom. We thought if my mom ever needed a place to go, she'd love it here and she'd have her own space to go to. The backyard is big and fenced in, overlooking the woods, so she could garden to her heart's content if she wanted to, or just enjoy it the way it is.
The difference? My mil and I have a great relationship. She would mind her own business and do her own thing. ONCE we had a little tension while at her house (we were on a month long vacation and on the road a lot, the baby was young, I was exhausted, we were getting tired) and Jeremy just went for a walk. I hung out with the baby and tried to be normal, but she saw that I was nervous (We'd only been married a year and a half then and it was the first time we'd had tension where someone needed to go for a walk), and she just kindly brought me a cup of tea and said "You know, I've actually never seen him this happy---he's finally found his element. Being away is going to make things feel tense for everyone because you're both out of your element, but you have nothing to worry about. I've never seen him so happy, and I know that is because of you". That's all she said about it. My mom: we'd argue probably. She gets on my nerves and I get on hers, but we ARE very good friends. And she's the same: once I was mad at Jeremy and wanted to whine to my mom about it and she interrupted me and said "Has he hurt you emotionally or physically? No? Then this other stuff is not my business. You got married. Now it's on the 2 of you to figure it out and make it work". So I know they wouldn't be getting into our business. It could work.
I guess it must depend on the person. When I was a little girl, with three older brothers & my father, my mother took care of her invalid mother until she died. We all got along fine. When I was in second grade, on Valentine's Day, I found she died in her sleep. We all loved her. After I married, we lived with my mother until we could afford a house. It wasn't always the best atmosphere, because it was her house, and she made the rules. She died alone, fifteen years ago, and now we have my mother-in-law living with us for four years. I never once regretted her moving in with us. She has bee a wonderful source of inspiration and love, and I hope she is with us for a long, long time.
I would ONLY if it was the last resort. I think I would go insane, but it may work if ground rules are laid out and followed. I can't imagine my parents going into a nursing home, but I can't imagine them moving in with me either. I guess that's because right now they are both healthy and living life to the fulles, plus they are only in the mid-50's. My MIL is more needy, but she lives in Mississippi surrounded by her entire family.
But yes, if it came down to it, I could let any of my family move in....with rules to be followed by all.
I would let any of my ILs or my parents live with us if they had to. We would need a bigger house, and they would have to help us with that, but I think we could make it work if we had to. And the kids would love it. And omg how awesome it would be to have all that help with the kids.
But I have unusual ILs and my mother and I just get along better and better every year. My dad is a quiet hermit, we would have no trouble fitting him in around here.
No. I would not let my own mother live with us. I don't like her much.
My MIL would be fine. I like her tons.
We dont want to, but if it came down to a rest home or our home and either Mom wanted to stay with us, we would not be able to say no.
Ours are old/disabled but still have their own place and are not mentally ready to move in with us due to the fact that once they move in with their kids they know there independence is over.
My mom is in a nursing home so she would not be moving in with us. My MIL yep I could live with her.
FIL - HELL NO!!! My dad? I don't think so!!! =)
I would only do so if they seriously couldn't handle being on their own. My mom moved in with her mother and their relationship isn't great. They get annoyed with each other. Our house is set up with almost a MIL suite so Mom or MIL could have her own space if it was needed. But, honestly, if Mom or MIL needed long term care, we'd look for a good facility. There are assisted living apartments here that are very nice.
My MIL-yes, my mother-no. And I would try to find a house with the "in-law" set up where the living space is in the middle and bedrooms are on either side, so that she'd have "her" space. That would be the ideal.
My mother-in-law? No, it wouldn't be healthy for anyone. I would help her in some other ways, but I wouldn't live under the same roof with my mother-in-law.My husband agrees.
it can be done, but it's hard. my SIL built an in-law apartment in her basement and moved her parents in. it's working, but it's really challenging. as you say, women want their houses to be how they want them to be, and even with everyone in their own space it's an issue. the dog bounds downstairs and eats food off the parents' table. the parents move the patio furniture around, feeling that the deck is the daughter's and the patio is 'theirs' but it makes my SIL nut up. but i'm impressed with how well it does work most of the time.
my parents just moved into a retirement village. we asked them to move in with us and they pretended to consider it, but they really didn't want to. they've always said that when they are no longer able to take care of themselves, they want professionals, not their doofy kids<G>. and they set themselves up so they are able to do so. i worry at the expense they're incurring, but they are confident they can swing it and really prefer it. and if i'm honest, there's a sense of relief for the ol' man and me too. we'd have done it and made the best of it, but i can't say i'm not okay with it working out this way.
khairete
S.
She is living with us now. She isn't even elderly, only 56 and very capable of living on her own, she just doesn't want too, she needs constant attention and companionship... It's supposed to be temporary, but she keeps hinting around that it is going to be permanent. There are pros and cons. It's always going to be a challenge in some areas, no matter how well everyone gets along. To make it work, everyone has to be willing to have some ground rules and everyone has to work together to be respectful. Fortunately, my mom is good about those things and is also a big help with the kid and the house, and so are we. It would be much nicer to have a mother-in-law apartment on the property... but we don't have that kind of money.
My MIL yes yes yes. My parents are both gone, so she is pretty much it as far as grandparents for the kids go. And I really lucked out. She's wonderful. She's laid back and caring and loves our kids like crazy. She's funny and helpful and loves to laugh. If she ever had to move in, I would be honored to have her here.
She's in Florida now and we keep sending her house listings in our neighborhood! Florida is too far away!!
I know this sounds sugary-sweet-too-good-to-be-true, but it's the honest truth. I love her to pieces. I would say in order to make it work, just remember every day that everyone under your roof deserves respect. Set a guideline early for clear communication. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
Now, if my mom were alive, this would be an entirely different answer. =)
My husband and I have actually talked about this recently. I know for a fact that my mother would be able enough to manage and live on her own if my stepfather died. If she fell ill, then, of course I would want her to live with me. However, it would take a lot of convincing, she's a strong, stubborn, and independent woman.
Now, my MIL, if my FIL passed away before her, she would most definetly need to move in to one of our homes. She has 5 kids, and my husband is the eldest. So, hence, it would fall on us to have that responsibility. We would just have to make it work.
If my mother needed to live with us, we would. (My MIL is extremely ill and it's not a realistic option, so I won't even put a hypothetical answer here for her, bless her dear heart.)
Now, I wouldn't want to go live with my mom. There's a big difference in her living with ME and me living with HER. If she lived with me, it would be my house. When I go stay with her, I'm a guest in her home. So big difference there.
My mom is loving and kind, helps as much as she can at her age, and my husband loves her. However, I do hope that we won't have to live together - just spend good time together!
Dawn
My mom will be sixty in a month. She's incredibly healthy and active and doesn't plan on retiring until she's in her seventies (she loves her work).
Our plan is that when she starts to slow down, we'll all live together. Either we'll buy houses next to each other, we'll move into her house (it's big enough), or we'll find a property with two homes on it.
I'll take care of her and she'll make art until she's ready to move on from this life.
My mom doesn't want to go to a retirement community/nursing home. I've always planned on taking care of her. It makes me sad to think of the end of her life happening any other way.
My kids will in their mid twenties when my mama is 80. By that time, I could be a grandmother myself! Of course, my girls will have to decide what feels right for them, but I'd be overjoyed if they stayed close to home. At least if/when they begin raising their own babies. I really want to be able to support those early years and my mother would be a lovely grand-nana.
My husband is on board. He is really close with my mom and loves her a lot. He knew when he met me that my family comes with me. I think that's one of the things that helped me fall in love with him. He automatically felt at home with my mama and papa (they are divorced), and before we were even thinking of having our own children offered to help me raise my niece should the time arrive (it did).
I'm not sure about my in laws. I suspect they won't want us near by - my husband is not close with his family - but we'll see. Time can work miracles. I suppose that, in all honesty, I'd want to make sure that they had their own space. With my own mama I could very happily live under one roof. I would love to, in fact. We share space well and would all be good for each other. I'd like to have my in law's front door at least a couple feet from my own.
We've talked about moving closer to my papa. He's in his mid seventies and his health is rough. My step mother is younger but isn't very healthy either. It would be hard for me to live with the two of them, or even in the same area (unless my community was also around - and instead we'd be separated by a vast expanse of ocean). I could see caring for my father. I'd do so in a heart beat, so long as his level of care didn't surpass my abilities and, if it did, we were able to bring in hired help. But them together is tricky. Their household is very toxic. Lot's of drunk/emotionally controlling and abusive/co-dependent dynamics. I find I start to loose my beans after being there for a few weeks. I'm not sure. It makes me feel sad to think of not taking care of my parents (on that side) but I'm not sure I *could* take care of them. I can be around trauma and toxicity all day long so long as I have a little oasis to return to at the end of the night, and peace in my home. I can't do it for as long when there isn't reprieve. I really just can't.
If the situation isn't right for you or healthy for your household (aka smoking, being untidy/messy) then don't do it. If your husband insists or if the situation changes later to where you must have one or both live with you, what about installing separate living quarters, perhaps if you have a nice backyard putting in a small cottage or 'cabin' type building for one or both (depending on if one or both comes to stay)? They'd still be living w/you but separately, in their own environment which would keep your living quarters as you like it & they can live in their own space. It's always an alternative thought but again if the situation isn't completely right for you & your current home environment then don't do it! Good luck.
Never. I know from experience that it doesn't work well. It does make big issues bigger and its very hard on your relationship and ever individual relationship. The only way I would do it is if their health was failing and they were no longer able to care for themselves. I could never put my mom in a nursing home. EVER.
NO NO NO the only reasons I would is if a tragedy happened or they have fallen ill but I would ask for help in caring for them,other than that I don't think so.
Neither permanently.
I would let my mom move in in order to get back on her feet from her abusive relationship. But that would be temporary.
I just don't think it would be good for my marriage, and both women are fully capable of working and supporting themselves (just like the rest of us).
