Mother in Law Lives with Us

Hi M.,
You are not in an easy situation.
First of all if your mother-in-law has 300,000 that money should have been properly invested so that she could live off of it and pay her own bills. When it comes to parents money everyone wants a slice regardless of who takes the most care.
My mother in law had about the same money, she lived in a retirement community but after she had a stroke her daughter put her into an assisted living. They will take everything she has but never throw her on the streets. So my mother-in-law is 82 has has no money but lives at a very nice assisted living. Her daughter invested her money before she went into there so I'm sure some of it is protected for the children.

I'm sure your husband will not want to put his mother in a place and probably all the sibs will not want to see all that money go down the drain but it is an option to bring up if it starts to destroy your home life.If you suggest it to the other sibs that is your plan if no one slse will take her then maybe they will think more seroiusly about taking her.

Be careful with taking extra money even if you deserve it.Jealousy will destroy his family.

Good luck,
L.

Hi, Mellissa:

Honey, this situation can be resolved. Take some deep breaths and relax.

Now, first things first.

1. What do you need?

Assessment from my perspective:

One son three daughters: Son and mother are co-dependent on each other.

2. How are you going to cope?

There is a support group called Co-Dependents Anonymous

check the web at: www.coda.org

find you a meeting and apply the principles or you can
go to a Family Group Decision Conference (FGDM)
and try to resolve the issues there.

###-###-####

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Yep--it's a tough situation and I certainly feel your pain.
But, remember, she IS his mother.
Try to NEVER say anything you wouldn't want him to say about you own mother. Tough, I know.
Look, she is 81. She may not be around much longer.
Maybe you all need to honestly discuss what the best option would be.
What IS your bottom line? Do you want her gone no matter what? Do you need more room? Do you want her with another of her kids? Try to determine what the real problems is here: personal conflict? Space? Financial difficulties? Decide what your bottom line is and discuss it with your husband. If you want her OUT and he refuses, then you've gotta decide how to cope at that point. Is it a deal breaker? Would you leave? Can you manage. Sounds like he's set on her staying, so you may just have to get used to it.

Scenario #1: Look into an assisted living facility and let her money pay her way. Be warned $300,000 does not go too far when the cost may be 3-7K /month -- maybe 4-6 years. Honestly, from the post, it sounds like you want her out--not moved with you to a larger house. Maybe this is the route to go. MAYBE at that point, another sibling will step up and mover her in with them?

Scenario #2: As her to start contributing financially what she can per month, from her SS, savings, or pension or whatever she has coming in.

Scenario #3. If you can afford a larger house, start looking! The housing market IS turning and it still may pay off for you since you may be able to get more space for a better price.

Scenario #4. carry on with your plans to have another child IF you're sure that's what you want and it's not a topic being used to prove a point about her needing to get out. Lots of people have raised 2 kids in a 2 BR house and have lived to tell about it. You'll get that bedroom back eventually for your use.

Scenario #5. Maintain the status quo. Maintain respect, love and care for this woman, regardless of the lack of interest of the other siblings to pitch in and help out. You will most likely bite your tongue so many times that you feel it's hanging by a thread. Keep biting. Maybe you're going to have to accept this situation and deal with the fact that she's not going anywhere. Do you really want to be the daughter-in-law that "kicked mom out" or made her son "kick her out"?

I would advise your husband to very carefully keep track of ANYTHING he does with her money, so the siblings have NOTHING to say when, God forbid, something happens to her.
I would advise you all to discuss who is the executor of her will, how money will be distributed, etc., NOW rather than later. Family should not be about $A=$B, etc, but it often boils down to that when there is a death and money is involved. Best of luck to your family.

Well first of all I would have to say what does your mil think of all this. I mean I am assuming she is in her right mind and that your dh didn't just "take" the money as you stated, because I'm sure she wanted him to have it because of his care for her and her house. Was there a deal struck between the two of them?
I don't think it should be an issue with the rest of the family because they are not the care givers.
If they don't want responsibility for her, than it should be a non issue and they should be told that.
I think it's commendable that your husband wants her there and is willing to care for her. Think about what you would do if this was your mother? Would you turn her out on the street?
Quite honestly I think you need to stop focusing on yourself and try and develop a relationship with her. Become friends. Spend quality time together and not just space. She could be a wealth of information for you and not just a trust fund for your kid. I know it's not easy having someone live with you. But imagine what it must be like for her? Does she even want to be there, would she like to live by herself or have the oppurtunity to do other things.

My hubby is a lawyer, so maybe that's why my first thought is to have your husband protect himself from his money grubbing sisters. I know it's an expense but it would probably save you a TON of trouble later, I would suggest talking to an attorney, If hubby/you privately met with a lawyer, just to explain the situation and ask how best to proceed and Then bring Grannie in and have a will drawn up so there will be no fighting or accusations when she passes. You might need to have the sisters present just so they know that you aren't coeircing (sp) your mil. and that Mil is choosing on her own what to do with her pile o' money. Actually, i don't know if other people can be present or not, but you see where i was going with that, keep them informed. And you could tie it all in with telling MIL that you only want her wished to be honored when she passes, so that's why you need to know now about a casket, what cemetary,will etc.
Just an idea take from it what you will, I know times are tough and no one wants to shell out for advice but you could end up in a really sticky situation if you don't.

One more thing, i'm sort of reading between the lines, but i'm wondering if your husband is assuming that he will get the bulk of her money when she dies, and will then buy you a bigger house, IF he is thinking that, then he might want to think again, since MIL doesn't sound like she is treating him all that well now and to assume she will "take care of him later" might not be to smart. especially if there are siblings involved.
like someone else said, talk to her dr and see if he/she things MIL needs to go into a home. but also find out the money situation since i think it ends up eating up all their savings.
sorry, hope that makes some sort of sense, keep your chin up.

Hi M.,

This is a tough situation you are in.

To give you slightly differen perspective, my husband's parents and my parents are all deceased. So when I say that I would do what I could to allow one of our parents to stay with us if they wanted, it comes from bit of grief and "if only they were still around."

But that is one of the points I want to make. You have been sacrificing for 10 years, but you can honestly say you did what you could for your MIL when she needed you. To put it bluntly, that will go a long way in handling the mourning when your MIL eventually dies. Can your sisters-in-law say the same?

If I had to live with my MIL, it would definitely take a lot of patience. And communication is so important in any relationship. Have you tried to have serious, one-on-one conversations with your MIL? Have you talked about what YOU need in your home? How you want YOUR home to run and be structured? If you have not been able to get anything you wanted, it will only make you resent your MIL more. If talking just the two of you doesn't work, maybe work out with your husband what you want and then present a united front to your MIL. Let her know that she is loved. You want her to be comfortable and happy, but you need to have the same feelings in your house. Work out how to get what you both want.

Could your husband talk to your sisters-in-law to have your MIL stay there for a week or long weekend? Sort of a "vacation" for your MIL? Perhaps your SILs will realize how much care and attention you MIL needs and may back off of you a little. Or maybe your MIL will love it so much that she will want to move in with your SIL.

And I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your MIL to contribute financially to the household. It can be a modest amount, but it keeps things fair. If you want an idea of what to charge, write out how much extra it costs to have her living with you (divide the utility bills by the number of people living in the house, special foods or medicines she needs, if you use a lot of extra gas to drive her to appointments or other places, etc.). I would not divide the cost of the mortgage -- you and your family have to live somewhere, unless you would move to a smaller place if she were not there.

I agree with the poster (wife of attorney) who said to put things in writing. It may seem too business-like for a family, but family can get ugly when it comes to money.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

OK, I don't have this situation but my first opinion is that since he did pay all the bills for 10 years, you should have documentation of that - ie cancelled checks, show them to the sisters and tell them to butt out since they don't want Mom in their own home. I think that since he supports his mother ( you both do) that it was not an unnecessary or unfair contribution to a new home for you all. My only other suggestion is that you find a support group for people who take care of their own parents. My parents went to one when my grandmother lived with us years ago. Seriously, and make him go. You may find ways of communicating better with each other about the situation and find ways of dealing with the MIL better too. God bless your sacrifice.

To some of the other responses. she is home all the time with the mother. She is the one taking care of her. If she has so mental problems or can't drive it is like taking care of another child. I know for I am doing it now but my mother-in-law is in Bellingham where she pays rent and it is very close to where we live. I would suggest looking into and independed living that is renting. A one bedroom. The can be anywhere from $2000 to $3000 a month. Have her there until the money runs out. I believe both of you would be happier for she would be around people her own age. And you can still have her over all the time.
Good luck. It's hard when our parents get older and we now have to take care of them. Times have changed.

Well it does seem to be alot going on here. I think you may need to handle this two ways. First have a private conversation with your husband and let him know you do not want his mother living with you any longer - that you feel it is time for you guys to have your own life. Then, the whole family has to sit down together - possibly with a mediator - to figure out what to do with mom. There are wonderful assisted living homes, etc. I think what you and your husband have done is fair, but the sisters will always feel the way they do, so maybe it is better she leaves - with her money - to support herself. A mediator will help to dissolve issues that arise and keep tempers in place - two things that are needed when dealing with family affairs! Good Luck.l

I know its hard,I feel for you, but put yourself in his situation. What if it was your mother. I think that taking the money is very much justified, ignore what his sisters think, until they are in your situation they can't really say anything. Just remember this is his mother, try not to say anything mean or hurtful(i know its hard). She might not be around much longer as crazy as it seems enjoy her while you can. Besides this is just a chapter in your life, and one more thing" THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!"

well, 1st about the past 'debt' of 30k, if you care what her sisters think, I would add up 1/2 of the average house payment and utilities for 10 years, and add to it what you feel may be appropriate for the level of care you've provided, and add to that a monthly amount for food, utilities, and housing you have provided in your own home. It should be clear to them at that point that you did not take any more than what you were due. You could also make the case for paying for an addition out of her estate. When my grandma moved in with mom I made her calculate monthly expenses and a stipend for the care she provides- she came up with $800 a month, which is way less than what my moms care and stress is worth, and way way less than what independent living or a nursing home would cost. My grandma also needed modifications to the bathroom and this was paid for out of the estate. Do not sell yourself short, and don't let them sell you short. About having another baby- have one! They don't actually need a room of their own.

Wow !! Where does one start to handle this problem ? God Bless you. I am not an attorney, but I hope i can provide some guidance. I do believe you show consult an attorney or at least draft an agreement between all parties. As far as the MIL home, your husband has an equitable interest in the home since he has paid the mortgage, taxes and all expenses. You will just need to be able to "paper trail" these expenses. So, your hubby had every right to recoup his expenses when the home sold. Since you are now responsible for your MIL, you need to establish some guidelines with her. I call it tough love. Do not ruin your marriage over her because in reality, your marriage is going to be around longer than your mother in law. You mentioned the non-participating sisters that want your MIL's money, but not the burden. Since Mom lives with you and pays no bills, you and your husband should have control of her finances and her affairs. In the event of her passing, you will probably have the burden of final arrangements while the 3 sisters are in line to snatch the assets and possessions while you get the bills. I have seen the worst in people come out at these times. If you put everything in writing and discuss the details, there will not be any hard feelings. Treat it like a business and there will be no misunderstandings. Good Luck and do not suffer any longer. Talk it out and write it down. Or you could always drop MIL off on someone elses door step for a while so they can have their turn at life with Mother.

ahhh my mother in law lived with us for about a year. We had just gotten married and everytime i turned the corner there she was. And if that wasnt bad enough she is very VERY needy she cant cook, clean, bathe, or addminister her own meds. She was very nosey. Wheres johnny whats he doing when will he be back, etc. never paid a dime and fought with me all the time. I was pregnant and already had one child from a previous relationship that she called dirty bc i gave her a bath in the sink. ANYWAYS i feel your pain, and it does put alot of strain on a relationship. but until you both can figure something out that you both agree on take it from me it can and will get worse. hopefully not in your case but in mine it did. Hvae you talked to him about putting her in a retirment home or nursing home? And i wouldnt worry about what the sisters are saying bc it seems to me that they just want to control her money but not help take care of her. idk. hopefully everything gets better for you!

What you are doing for your mother in law is amazing. You are going to heaven for that one!! My only comment (i have a meeting i have to run to) is please do NOT let this change you expanding your own family. I am so sorry that it is a strain on you. I know how stressful it is to be a wife/mother alone!

Bottom line is that you don't want to live with her anymore. I cannot blame you for this...I would hate having another adult living with us no matter who they were. Don't listen to the others who say you are being selfish and whatnot. Seriously, this is not fair to you. Its not like he is an only child and there is nowhere else to go-if that where the case I could maybe understand. IMO you have done your time for her and it is time for one of his sisters to take over or go to assisted living. You can either be firm and insist this. If this doesn't work you can get pregnant with your second baby and then you will have a built in excuse to get her out.(before anyone condemns me for this advice...it is what you want anyhow right?) You will say "gee, sorry Mom but there is just not enough room anymore here. boy we are really going to miss you but you will have to live with sis." And do not move for goodness sakes. Why would you leave a house you like and go through the tremendous pain of moving not to mention the expense?