Moving in with MIL Who Is 87 - Orange,CA

I would certainly NOT move in with this woman...I think you life would be a living hell....spouse will be stressed trying to make peace and kids...let's not go there.....do nOT do this.....
P.

Wow M.:
Your A better woman than I'd ever be.Don't get me wrong,I respect elders.I have an 84 year old mother,and It won't be that long before i'm there myself. : )While there is no question,that they've earned our respect and admiration,We are not expected to sacrifice our own happiness,to prove our love or loyalty to them.It's A fact,that as we get on in our years,we tend to convert back to childlike ways.The elderly believe they've earned the right to be pampered,spoiled,doted on.They become manipulative,and play on your weaknesses,creating feelings of guilt. Uprooting the kids, Giving up the comforts of your own home,knowing that there's a good chance you'll be living A less than harmonious life. She is asking A great deal from you.Wouldn't it have made more sense to simply move her in with you? If the arrangement didn't work out,at least your family would still have their home.There are so many options now for the elderly. They even have homes,that house four elderly.With A care provider living with them.They have their own room,and someone there to cook for them,or take them to the store etc.This is not anything like A retirement home.It gives them three others to converse with and do things with. M.,You,your husband and your children,don't have to go as far as sacrificing your lives,to make sure your MIL is happy.There is A fine line,between devotion,and loyalty.I can only pray,that if and when I become old,and lonely,that I will still have my wits about me,and not burden those I love so dear,but rejoice in the happiness,they share. I wish you all the best.J. M

OH dear M.!

I just did this myself not too long ago. I was raised by my granny and her health went down hill VERY fast. My hubby and I had been talking about back down here to Socali from our blessed time up in the Bay because we wanted our son to be able to spend some time with her. However, we didn't expect her to get sick while we were making this transition. We were going to move down on March 19th and on March 11th she had a stroke that put her on a breathing tube.... she was in the hospital until mid-April. We were only going to stay a while, but we ended up moving in. It was always tense for me to live with my granny as we were very similar in nature.... both commanding our own ways. We gave up everything... stuck all of our stuff in storage...
July 28th my granny had another stroke and it was the one that took her life. So our time together was very short. My whole point in telling you all of this is this.... yes, you have no closet space (neither did we) ... yes the house is musty and dusty (so was hers), yes, you give up quite a bit of your privacy (so did we) but what you DO GAIN is the time that your children will get with their grandmother. THAT, my dear, is PRICELESS. THAT is worth the uncomfortable environment... and once you are there you can take over the cleaning, which most people of that age won't mind at all! She, I am sure, would like to get her house deep cleaned and what not... but won't admit it... won't admit maybe she can't afford to hire someone.. maybe doesn't want a stranger to come in to her home and possibly take advantage of her or steal her things.... all sorts of reasons. But you are family... so that changes things.
It WON'T be easy... but... as I look back... I wouldn't have changed our decision to move in with my granny and surprisingly neither would my hubby. He became very close to my granny... they were "drinking" buddies and often went out to eat together. I couldn't have asked for anything better. YES she and I fought... YES we said some nasty things to each other... YES I regret them and I can't take them back... but I feel SO blessed that my son (even though he won't remember) got to spend time with her before she died. And as an added perk... I have inherited her house (over her son) because I made the sacrifice for her and not him. It was not my intention and it certainly wasn't the reason we moved in, but it was very nice of her to do that and is SO appreciated.
So to make all of this short (if it's not too late lol) go... move in with her... work with her to make some space... find your little niche... and let your kids spend time with her.
Good luck and remember to take some time for yourself away from her too!

First of all, your mother in law is your 1/2 mother. Believe it or not, she loves you her own way (1/2 way); you can not change that as much as she can change how you love her NOW.
Families are (8 letters) a group of members of different ages, Yes, mother, father, children, grandparents+That's a complete family. All growing together in youth and old age, all learning from one another.
Great is she is still as sharp as a tack because it will teach you the proccess of life that at one time you will also go thru.
Do not try to change her but try to live WITH her and her things. they might be old but old is good and have a great value, if you don't believe it ask an antique dealer. Those "old things" you want to get rid of today are good money for all of you AFTER she dies.
Look at magazines where the old and new are put together; is an opportunity for you instead of a bad sitiation...problems are opportunities in disguise.
Coping is possible if you change your position and look from another point of view. No need for tears but for inventiveness, creating love that will go all around you. Remeber that you will reap what you plant.
This is another opportunity for you to develop as a whole woman, as a wife, as a mother, and as a social being.
Wipe the tears away and read about family histories of great human depth.
About she wanting to die in her home, sorrounded by the things she know and by the people she loves is very natural. You will also. Use this opportunity for good and not for evil. You will bless your lucky stars one day and have many stories to tell.

I'm not sure why all the other responders missed one point in your request. As soon as I read it I was shocked! You stated you TOLD her you would have to clean the house, empty her closets, get rid of her furniture, etc. What ever happened to courtesy? I would have OFFERED to HELP her clean things up, and go through closets etc. No wonder she is waffling about having you move in! She wants the company but doesn't want a drill sergeant running her life or TELLING her what she may keep or have to get rid of. Maybe if you relented a bit and apologized for your rudeness, she might just appreciate your help, and come to a satisfactory conclusion for all. Good luck to you all.

You KNOW what to do. Now you have to do it!
What is best for your FAMILY? For your CHILDREN?

Living with extended family, aged or not, can be a fantastic experience, but it HAS to be the RIGHT situation. Even in the best of circumstances you are creating a STRESSFUL lifestyle that you have to be ready for.

That said, let's say you go through with this life altering act of generosity: you better KNOW how sick "this woman" is, she is only going to get worse, or at the very least, weaker. You didn't mention illness, but you need to know her medical status and know WHO WILL BE RESPONSIBLE WHEN SHE DETERIORATES. She WILL. And by living with her YOU are going to be the CAREGIVER.

You have not mentioned your husband and his feelings on the subject. Obviously this is not your first choice, is it his?

You are holding all the cards here. She wants something from you. Before moving forward, you must provide a safe and clean environment for your children. You must have and keep a VOICE in your life. Cleaning out her house is a must. Creating a space where your children will be able to grow and flourish is NON NEGOTIABLE. You mentioned bringing in furniture and clearing out decades of clothing. Everyone needs their own space, your Mother-in-Law must agree that should your family move in it will be the family home and not HER home with you as visitors living in it, you all must have space that is your own. Kids need to feel grounded and living in new home with another persons, personal items all over is not a healthy atmosphere in which to lay the foundation for a calm and serene life.

Should you go through with this move, you will be testing your marriage as well. You need to have a strong relationship with your husband and make this decision together and have an plan for the future in place, should this NOT be the right place to nurture your family. An escape plan if you will.

You need to be a strong and self assured woman to live with another woman. Who are you? Who is she? Do you know? Manipulation is already apparent. Is this exceptable to you? To your husband? What will you be teaching your children?

You have a long conversation ahead of you, be strong in what ever you chose to do!
Good Luck!

You are a good woman, and this is not going to be easy. But if you want to do this for her, I think you have to ease her into it.

You didn't mention how big the house is, but I do think the territory thing is key, i.e, great if there is a living room that would be totally hers and a family room where you 4 can feel free to be.

Your husband is the key. It should not be you telling his Mom that we've got to clear things out to make space. I think you start with having your husband work with her to see which room or rooms will belong to the kids (hint: tell hubby what you want beforehand). She probably has a soft spot for her grandkids. He then will have to explain that they need their own space, etc. and that her stuff will have to move elsewhere in the house or be disposed of or put into storage. Then gently, respectfully, with her sitting on a comfy chair, go into that room and hold up each item for her and have her say where she wants it to go. You do this room by room. It is her home and having her reach consensus is the only respectful way to do this. December might be too early but you still have six weeks, it isn't impossible. Worse case scenario, you rent a storage locker so she doesn't feel pressured to throw everything out. Because, if things don't work out and six months later you move out, she can bring her stuff back. And if it does work out, six months from now you can re-evaluate with her what she wants done with the stored items.

M., I did not read all the other posts so forgive me if I just repeat someone else. If your mother in-law is indeed a horder it is very unlikely you will be able
to just go in and clean out those rooms. At her age it maybe cruel to try. She is too emotionally tied to all that junk. This happens to a lot of elderly people. If there were a way for the family to visit and call her every day it would be a much better solution than moving in.

Hi M.,

This is a tough one. I would suggest that you tackle one room at a time. Sit down with your MIL and work out how the living room will look for example. Suggest she keep her couch (50's retro look is popular again) and you'll add your favorite chairs. Then suggest a change of paint to tie it all together. She may be feeling that she is going to be pushed into a corner when you move in. Reassure her that you are all going to be together and want both of your tastes/styles to be there. She might be more receptive to the move.

Good luck!

Your problem is not your MIL but your husband for agreeing to such an idea. Unless you are broke and you husband agreed for ecenomic reasons, I'd say move near her but NOT with her! Good luck!

honestly, if she's as sharp as a tack then she is able to understand clearly the condition that it takes for you guys to move in. Be very straightforward with her (your husband, that is). And say, "we are moving in to help make your life better, which means that we will have to make some changes to our lives..it is not easy for us. Therefore, it is only fair that you also make the changes necessary to make this move as comfortable as possible for us. If this is what you want us to do, that's the condition. Take it or leave it."

seriously, beggars are not choosers.

How are you going to cope? You are just going to. This woman has lived 87 yrs. If you agree to move in, it's in HER home and you should respect that and leave it alone. This was her life and she cherishes it and everything around her is part of it. Dont disturb her. She doesnt have long to go, probably. Her home is on her terms, just as yours is.

Wendy

Hi M.,

My heart goes out to you, I did this for my husband too. (WE) moved closer to his mom and got a bigger house so he could take care of her, because she does need alot of attention. But the drive was killing me, and I patient enough but then my MIL did not want his help, she always complained about the food, the noise etc. etc that my husband got tired of it, because he was only trying to her help. She's diabetic and needs to be on a special diet, they had their feuds and she ended up MOVING OUT!!!! with her one of her daugthers...OMgosh.....I was so irrated...we discussed it with my husband and we eneded up moving back somewhere closer. My husband realized that taking care of his mom wasn't feasible for him, but he tried. All i can tell you, is make sure this is what YOU want and believe you can withstand. Good Luck to you, talk it over with your husband and explain all the good and the possible bad things that may happen.

Take care,
E.

Don't do it. If she is this inflexible before you move in, imagine what will happen when you get there.

Perhaps she can get a live-in caretaker, but I would strongly caution against you moving your family in there because she is "afraid of being alone."

M.,
Perhaps she isn't "sharp as a tack". Has she always been this way, back and forth on issues, or is this a new phenomenon? If it's new, she should get some psychological testing to see if she has early alzheimers or something else.
Also, to me it sounds like you need to set some ground rules. I don't know about you, but I am way to old to live in someone else's house! What I mean is you need to be clear, and have your mother-in-law be clear that you are sharing this house. As such there needs to be mutual respect. If that can't be I personally would make other plans. It's not worth ruining your marriage.
J.

This is a tough one!! You want to be as kind as possible... an 87 year old woman is not going to be around forever, and you don't want her last years to be full of angst and drama; neither do you want to live with a packrat.

Good humor alert... this is going to take some genuinely humorous attitudes, and if you look at it the right way, may even teach your little ones some of life's important lessons.... one of those lessons being..

People are more important than things!!!

of course, this works two ways in your scenario...

Sometimes people won't let go of "things" because they are afraid that the past was so much better than the present... again, you will need a dose of good humor to help your MIL see that life is renewable each day, and some things CAN be thrown away without losing ourselves.

You might ask her to tell you about each thing that she has kept, have the kids take a picture and write down her thoughts, and then let her know that it is going to be donated to someone in need.... if you have the means to replace it, then take her with you to help select it, if she is mobile.

It may also help to ask her which things she absolutely cannot live without.... and then quietly dispose of the rest.

She grew up when times were hard and people saved things, I suspect. She may see it as "recycling" while you see it as "hoarding"... find out her thoughts, talk to her about it, be an active listener, and then council with your husband about what to do. There is hope here, it's just going to take lots of patience and genuine love.

Wow. My first reaction is that you are either patient and brave or insane for even thinking about this.

I understand that she now needs companionship and care in her home (or soon will), but should that need really be filled by you and your family? I agree with the others, that would take a HUGE toll on everyone involved. I don't know if it's financially feasible, but I'd be looking for an alternative solution if I were you.

Good luck, both aging parents and family relationships can be really tough.

I don't see this working at all. How old are your kids?? they are going to be totally streesed out if they can't move or touch anything. The only way to make it work is if you set some rules. she needs to know what a sacrifice it is for you to move in with her and make some adjustments so you can live there. If not it won't work out. She most likely is set in her ways though and will not change.

I would not do it. It will place stress on your marriage and on your children. I would hire a cleaning service to clean for her and maybe an at home sitter/companion. She probably has some form of dementia and that is the reason she goes from wanting you there to not wanting you there. She does sound like a hoarder. That in itself can be difficult to deal with. There is no way I would move out of my house to do this. Are you prepared to have to do personal care for your MIL (bathing/dressing, etc.) if she cannot?

Elderly people should not put a caregiver burden on their children. It is very stressful to watch an elderly person become sick and frail and have to care for them until they die. Are you prepared for all the hard work it will be for you physically?

Best of luck.

Dont isshe still self reient. Wate abd see what happens A. no. Hills

You're in a tough spot...doing what will make your mother-in-law happy in her later years and doing what will make you and your family happy. I may have the minority opinion here, but really reconsider if this is something that is good for you and your family.

I have a friend who has done this and it has been hard on her marriage, hard on her and tough for her kids. I don't think she'd not do what she's done, but I know some days she wonders when it will end and that just kills her even more...

Sometimes finding a safe place for someone to live assisted is not a bad thing.

I know what I'm saying may sound a little selfish, but quite honestly, I put my marriage and the childhood that I give my kids above a "preference" either of my parents would have.

-M

I would not do it girl. It's gonna take a big toll on your marriage don't do it!!!!!!!!!!! She's old and set in her ways and you'll just be the bad guy no matter what you do. Put her in a retirement home that's the only solution I know it sounds mean but it best for your sanity and your marriage! :) Good luck

I would really think twice about moving in with her. My parents were hoarders and wouldn't part with anything. The older they get the more they won't part with "stuff". We took care of my parents in their home, while living in our own. I remember opening up my moms closet and the whole closet came tumbling down on me. I guess it had been at least 20 years since she had used that closet. She wouldn't part with anything in it. In trying to clean her home to make it livable I had to box up stuff I wouldn't of even given away and place it up in the attic. She will not make room for you and your children. You will have to get rid of your stuff. I wouldn't make that move. Let her go to a retirement home. I took care of my parents for 8 years, and it was the hardest job I have ever had. I also have five children who were a lot easier.

i'd hsve her move in w you so sh is limited on the hoarding...plus you will have your own space....ist 1 moving vs. 3 to 4 people moving. it just makes more sense

Hi M.~~This is a tough one, on one hand, you are doing your MIL a favor by not sending her to a nursing home and then on the other your intruding her space~~getting old is a hard one. If she is as sharp as you say she is, then she'll appreciate a foreward attitude in that you want your family to move into a clean environment. Also, if she really wants to die at home, have her take the time to go through things with you as you may disguard them or store them away. It is much better to reminise while they are still alive then sort through their things when they are gone. You are a brave woman. Good luck!!!!!

I would have hubby speak with her so you are not the one who looks like the problem. I will say though from your comment about moving in with "this woman" you have some issues you need to deal with. She probably senses your dislike of her and she is conflicted between living with someone who does not like her and being alone. She also needs to understand (from your hubby) that there is compromise in every relationship and you are making a HUGE sacrifice to fill her need. Sounds like you and hubby need to have a sit down together and then one with her. Good luck to you and sorry you are going through that, sounds hard.

i don't mean to be rude or harsh but she need to give you some space (it's 4 of you) or I wouldn't move it. Sounds like she needs an at home companion as opposed to your family moving in... if you/ she can afford in home companion I would strongly encourage that... Wounds like you'll be giving up more than she'll be gaining.. you have children, she can't expect you to move in and live around her things.. a little selfish...

Your life will be truly awful if you move in with her. Think of different options for her. Your kids' life will be awful too.

Hi, M.,

Is your mother-in-law letting her son, you, and your kids live there rent-free? Is she willing to put anything in storage to give you some closet and breathing space? Are both of you willing to let each other have your own territory within your mother's house? (I lived with my cousin several years ago. She was very messy, and I was very neat. We drew an imaginary line between our desks, and everything worked out fine. My cousin's side was very messy; mine was very neat.) How does your husband feel about moving in with his mother? Can you live with a couch from the 50s? I don't always like old couches, but I'd rather have to deal with an old couch than a predator chasing and killing me or an enemy invading my country. Are you generally anxious, or are you anxious only now and only about this issue? If you are generally anxious, then you might want to go through desensitization training (offered by a psychotherapist) or take a relaxation course. If you are anxious only about moving in with your mother-in-law, then you might want to negotiate with your mother-in-law. This sounds like an opportunity for negotiation.

If you haven't taken a mindfulness meditation course, I highly recommend you do so. (It's described in Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living.) Mindfulness has helped me feel comfortable with situations that would have really angered, irritated, worried me before. I find it especially helpful in dealing with people/things I cannot change.

Good luck,
Lynne E

You're not moving in unless you are allowed to clear out some space of your own.
If this woman really is "as sharp as a tack", what is she thinking? You'll just set aside your lives, you and your children's needs for comfort and cram yourselves in there with all her stuff so she doesn't have to die alone? It sounds very selfish. She has to clear out some space for your things. Or else it's a no go.

#1 most important thing is that your husband and you need to be on the same page. If this isn't something you both agree on and are working together then it will put an enormous strain on your relationship which will in turn affect your children...and you don't want your children growing up in a hostile & emotionally toxic environment. Children are sponges and will pick up on any emotions you two (and even your MIL) will express.

Once you two agree on how things should be handled then it's up to your husband to do all the talking and taking any action NOT you. It's his mother so it's his responsibility to take charge of the situation. It may be very hard but you also have to remember that this is his mom no matter who's right or wrong in anything you say may be hurtful to him...respect for that is showing him you respect his feelings too.

As for the mass collection of her stuff and cleaning...you have every right to say you want you place cleaned but you have to be the one to do it (or have it done) and not demand her to have it done. Every child should live in a clean environment. If she wants you to move in then she will have to clear out some of the rooms (closets in all) for your family...non-negotiable (you're doing her a favor by moving in, remember that). The suggestions to go through stuff to put into storage so she doesn't feel it's getting thrown out, is a GREAT idea. Again, this has to come from your husband. If you two could get a game plan together then go talk with her together..him doing the talking..then that would be great.

I've been dealing with in-law manipulation and stress for the past 5 years and trust me on this! You two HAVE TO be a team because it will affect your children negatively.

Good luck with it all!

First have a sit down conversation-not demanding, but honest and let her know that you want to move in with her, your kids will get to spend time with her that they otherwise wouldn't, you love her and are looking forward to it.
Then you need to explain that in order to do that you will really need your own space. Use the grandchildren as an excuse-"it's really not fair to them to not have their own rooms to themselves" Offer to help her go through things. Show her things the love that she associates with them and offer suggestions like giving things to those who really need them at this hard economic time. Those people can love them as much as she has.
She is afraid of being alone and these are her things that she has lived with, they are her memories and in a way her friends and roommates. Getting rid of them would be as hard as turning your back on a friend.
I would go through the house before you move in.At least clean up your bedrooms and make a plan for keeping the public areas of the house "clean" and free of clutter (decor you may just have to live with, but show her how loving it is to want to clean all of these treasures, and you will need to do the work, she just can't)
Overwhelm her with love and then she won't need to be as attached to the things because she will have the people to replace them.
Good Luck!

Hi
Just a few quick words....first, from her age alone it says that she lived through the great depression-same as my parents...my mother was not a hoarder but just kept the attitude that fix it first-never throw it out...I believe that both yourself and (primarily) your children can learn a great deal from this.
Second, whether you agree or not the furniture is tied to all of her memories...good and bad....husbands, friends, kids....and I'm sure most-if not all-of her friends have long since passed on....keep everything hers except your bedrooms and the kids bedrooms....
Third...you need to think through the next 5 years...what is your lifestyle...are you entertainers, do you stay home a lot, are the kids in sports and you will never be home anyway....what do you care about and why do you care...will you be embarrassed because its not new.....I would venture a guess that the majority of ALL of your friends would understand why you moved and would actually think more of you as a person for having done that....
you didn't mention the financial situation but I'd guess also that there wil be the opportunity for your family to save quite a bit of money for college educations......
sharing space with another female is demanding and sometimes absolutely impossible...but thinking that there might be only 5-10 years maximum...I'd say grant the lady a little slack....she really doesn't have much of anything left that she cares about...don't take it away...and honestly...things change once you move in...maybe when she gets used to having you there she will concede a few things...your kids will have the chance to know their grandmother much better than just a few visits...your husband will have a chance to go back in time and relive a lot of memories...who knows-maybe confront some old issues, change a few things....be a better person for it...I'd say you all will be better people...
bottom line----it will likely be one of the harder things you've ever done....but you can't find any of these things in a self help book---show your kids a good example....
and last---have your husband take her out to dinner and sneak in the steam cleaner while she's gone :o)
good luck

My MIL is a hoarder too, but with a dozen wild cats! Yuck. I would not move in unless she is willing to comply with the needs of your family...which it seems like she is not. So don't do it!!! Plus, how will your kids deal with her eventual passing on? It may confuse or frighten them, especially if it happens in the house. Plus, your husband will be dealing with 2 women making demands in the house. Again, don't do it! It will add stress to your marriage....plus see how you are stressing already!

Hi M.,

If she really is a hoarder, it may be too difficult to get her to give in to getting rid of anything. Would it be possible for your husband to talk to her and suggest renting a storage unit? You can have one of those pods dropped off and it can even stay on the property. You could even throw some stuff out while she isn't looking (I know that sounds horrible). I suppose you have to lay down the law and tell her that her stuff has to go into storage in order to make it possible for you to move in. Remember, you are doing her a favor, but also you and your husband won't regret being there for that last years of her life. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out!!!!