There is a group of boys in my neighborhood that hang out together regularly that range in age from 13-17. My stepson is part of this group.My daughter and stepson are both 15. My stepson and some of the other boys got into some trouble a few months back for sneaking out and some other things. On the same day my daughter came home from spending the night at a friends house(the sibling of one of the boys in the group) hysterical because they were teasing her about some video they saw of her but wouldn't tell her who had it or what it was. My daughter had been saying for awhile that someone was opening the window to the bathroom while she was taking a shower. At first we called the police and there wasn't much they could do. Then for months she would make me sit in the bathroom while she took a shower. Everything died down and we thought she was just being dramatic.and really forgot all about it, as did my daughter I think.
The boys who said they had this video ended up saying that they made the whole thing up and one boys mother searched all of his electronic devices and couldn't find anything. My husband also took my stepsons devices as he was grounded for the sneaking out and searched them as well. He didn't find anything either, so after some very strong conversations with the groups of boys and their parents everyone came to the conclusion the boys made it up to mess with my daughter.
Fast forward to yesterday and my daughter was at a friend of the families party. And the friend she was with was talking on the phone to a boy(who is not in the original group of boys, but knows them) and he made reference to a video existing of my daughter getting ready to take a shower and that he got it from a different member of the group of boys.My daughter got upset and asked a boy who was also at the party who was part of the original group and he said yes it existed but that he couldn't tell her who actually took it. We again talked to all of the boys and their parents(except for the one that said he saw it over the phone), my stepson says that he never even heard anyone talk about it, four of the boys say they heard about it but never saw it. We still don't really know if it even exist, and my daughter is very upset and embarrassed.
I want to go to the police, but my husband thinks its just a rumor and we shouldn't involve the police. I hate to say this because my husband has always been a great Dad to my kids, but I think in this case he is protecting his biological son. That's the only reason I can think of that he wouldn't go to the police. Even if it is a rumor it would get straightened out once and for all. Would you go to the police even though there is no physical evidence of a video and most of the boys are saying they haven't seen one?
I don't think I was clear. We went to the police the first time two years ago because someone DID open the bathroom window from the outside, not about the video. And I have valid reasons for not trusting my stepson, he has been caught in several serious lies. Even my husband doesn't believe him that he knows nothing about the video, but just doesn't want to go to the police. As for believing my daughter over the other kids, she has only repeated what the other kids have said. I don't want the police to help with my parenting of my stepson, but to get to the bottom of whether this actually happened. Video taping someone without them knowing is against the law as is passing around such videos of minors.
First I would go to the boy who made a reference to this video and get the story straight. Has he actually SEEN the video? Or is he just repeating things he heard? You need to first find out if someone has actually seen the video, before going to the police.
if there was a video tape i'd go right away.
without a video tape, it's just a rumor. the police cannot do anything about rumormongering.
it sounds like a very tense and difficult situation. but no, i wouldn't involve the police at this point.
khairete
S.
Yes yes and yes. Your daughter needs to know she is worth protecting. If it did happen and there is a video out there it could follow her for the rest of her life. Anyone who is involved needs to be held accountable - if your stepson wasn't involved it will come out - if he was and was lying shame on him - hard lesson learned. You cannot just let this go - your daughters peace of mind and confidence is at stake
Yeah, contact the police, give the names of the boys who said such tape exists (even if they are lying) the cops can talk to ALL the boys and possibly get to the bottom of this... whereas the parents (including yourself) may not be able to breathe enough fire into the boys to get the truth out........... and if it turns out to be your stepson.. then too bad... consequences are consequences.. When I was in a foster home, I caught my foster brothers spying on me while I was taking a shower.. turns out, they had been doing it for a long time.. That was in the 70s, I know had they had cameras, they would have video taped me.. :( ... some people say, ah they aren't blood related and it's just boys being boys.. Forget that. .it's being PERVY... you don't go around spying and video taping girls.. let alone your step sister.. .that is just sick....
DO call the police... this is your daughter's emotional state and sense of security loss.... so which do you sacrifice.. your stepson NOT getting into possible trouble.. OR your daughter having to bear this burden...
BTW... to this day, whenever I am in public restroom (which I try and avoid) but when I can't, I still always look up and around to see IF someone is spying on me....... I just get an unease not only in a public restroom but even in dressing rooms.... those memories stay with you forever... you owe it to your daughter to at least report the incident AGAIN... no tape or not... the boys should be questioned..
#1 Put a stinkin latch on the inside of the window. I'll post a link of the ones we use inside our windows. If you can't use this sort of latch then cut a broom handle the diagonal length of the top of the window and put it in there. That way this window can only be opened from the inside.
#2 There is a video, it may not be posted anywhere on the video that's public but there's a video. A new kid saw it and mentioned it. He saw it. So yes, there's a video. Unless it's been uploaded to a computer somewhere then it's on someone's phone
Let everyone know you don't think there's a video and that it's just a rumor. The call the police, for goodness sake's, they violated your daughter and have a video of her stripping down to shower.
If they had a video of her having sex would you treat it differently? If she was being raped? That's what it's like for her, it's like being emotionally raped.
#3 Find out from the police what to do next. If they go and confiscate the phones they may not even find it. If I took this sort of video and wanted to keep it for power I'd move it to a safer place, maybe the hard drive of my computer or something. They get it off the phone. You can still access your computer or other photo programs with your phone and it not actually be on there.
#4 Make sure your daughter is never alone in your home. She must never do home alone time. As long as she is vulnerable they could break in and hurt her or worse.
This is what we put on all our storm windows. It screws down on the metal part just above the bottom window. It works very well.
http://www.amazon.com/High-Security-Sliding-Window-Lock-I...
http://www.amazon.com/Ultra-Hardware-Aluminum-Sliding-Win...
Didn't you say that you already went to the police and they couldn't do anything? Hire a PI maybe, but. I don't see what the police could do for you. And I think it's a little unfair to accuse your husband that way if you've already been turned away by the police once. I would hire a private investigator and at least get evidence before trying the police again.
So this has been going on for two years? Ugh
I think there is nothing wrong with getting a police report that something is going on, especially given that you found your bathroom window open from the outside.
I am also starting to feel like these kids are 'trying to get your daughter's goat' so to speak. They will just not let this die and her emotional reactions are just feeding into it.
Whether or not it's true, it is not going away any time soon. I think I would also focus in your daughter and changing her reaction to hearing about the video. Like going completely against the grain and saying, "isn't it funny let's see it again" so that she can see it or stop them in their tracks. Maybe not that exact question but things that would put them on the spot when they say it and would empower her. It might help to stop the game.
I hope this ends soon for her :-(.
Best of luck to you
ETA: I also think that I would kindly mention to the parents to tell their children that if there is no recording to stop talking about it. To continue to bring it up and upset her is also starting to fall in the category of harassment. Your daughter also needs to voice this to her friends. She needs to tell them to stop talking about it and to continue to do so is spreading rumors, etc. I would go over the wording with her. Please help her to feel empowered.
I think your last sentence (question) is your answer:
"Would you go to the police even though there is no physical evidence of a video and most of the boys are saying they haven't seen O.?"
I doubt they could do anything. Sorry. 😕
I feel bad for your daughter. Your husband has a point, but I think that both you and your daughter should physically go down to the police station and file a report naming all of these boys and the videotaping. At least, you have a record now with the police should this video surface in the future. I would keep a copy of the report and report number handy. As far as your husband and his son, I wouldn't even mention filing the report. Shame on your stepson for being a part of this even if it is a rumor, it's an awful thing to do to a family member. In the meantime, I would keep my ears and eyes open to see if I could find anything else about this rumored video.
Shame on anyone who would have done it. If it was my daughter, I would be doing anything I could including hiring a PI to investigate the situation.
Kids have it bad enough these days with out some idiot putting videos out there.
Your husband is right, the police are not there to help you parent. Another thing is you are putting more value in your daughter's story because she is your daughter, why shouldn't he do the same? If both kids were both your bio kids you would never have considered calling the police! You would want to protect both your kids equally.
I don't even think the police would get involved in this matter anyway.
You have to find out if there really is a video, or just a lot of talk about one. I can absolutely understand why your daughter is upset - video or no, everyone's talking about it. So you are right to address it. I think your best bet is to go to the new boy and find out if he saw it or just heard about it from someone very convincing. If he's seen it, sit down with him and his parents, not from the standpoint of ranting about your daughter, but from the standpoint that what's on this video, if it exists, may very well be illegal if it involves minors in any stage of undress. Anyone who conceals its existence may well be at risk, so we have to find it. Get a copy of it. THEN go to the police.
If it doesn't exist, they are all guilty of bullying your daughter and intimidating her, so it may be wise to see if the parents can get together and encourage these boys to grow up and act more maturely instead of getting so much pleasure out of tormenting someone. Your best allies will be the other parents but you won't get anywhere if you threaten to go to the police from the get-go. The more rational and reasonable you are, trying to understand why they would want to torment her and tell her about something none of them has even seen, might get you more results and give your daughter more reassurance. Sometimes being in a room with other parents who are concerned can make more of an impression on your husband.
Meanwhile, encourage your husband to clamp down on his son with appropriate grounding. Maybe your husband isn't trying to be a bad role model - maybe he doesn't understand how girls and women feel when they are the targets of this sort of treatment. Getting your daughter (and by extension, you and your husband) some support from a counselor might be a good move. And putting your stepson in the mix might help him as well. This is a family issue and everyone can benefit from some professional expertise.
The boy who told her about the video yesterday, does he actually have possession of it now? Find out and if he does, see what it is. Take it to the police and have him explain who sent it to him. Something needs to be done, but unless this boy who saw the video has it or will tell the police that it exists and who he got it from, I'm not sure there is anything else the police can do.
I think you need to take this opportunity to teach your daughter how to stand up to these boys, and how to build her self confidence enough that it bothers her less.
Honestly, if you went to the police in Chicago with a "rumor", they would seriously yell at you for wasting their time. I have experienced it. You have no evidence and no witness. Thus, nothing to go on.
Teach your daughter how to shake this off, and how to shut these boys up who comment on it. Teach her to be a strong, confident woman. That's about all you can do at this point.
I would place a report so there is documentation. This might get more serious as times goes on and you want a "paper trail". I would make every effort to get your husband thinking correctly. I think tough love is in order here. Best of luck...
I think I would ask the police whether there is anything they can do.
In the meantime I would separate from my husband and go somewhere with my daughter where she is safe, and where she *feels* safe.
This has been going on for a long time, and it seems like it's more than just teen girl drama.
The broader issue here is your daughter and her sense of peace and security at home. I would not even get into it with my husband about whether his son is right or wrong, he is right or wrong, or my daughter is right or wrong. It really is irrelevant. My job as her mom is to keep her safe and make sure she FEELS safe. I'm not going to elevate my marriage above her in that regard.
She's almost grown and doesn't have much time left at home.
I'm sorry - I hope my answer doesn't sound harsh or dramatic. I would just hate to live the way she is living. Good grief the girl can't take a SHOWER in her own home without stress?
:(
I know I am simple but: And why does the bathroom window open? I would have had that fixed immediately. The police will never get to the bottom of it. Your daughter is having to live in fear with a creepy step son and his hormonal friends.
I'm not sure what the police could do without any evidence. I don't think they investigate rumors. I'm sorry, I know you're upset, I would be too, but I just don't know what they could do.
