Anybody Ever Use a PI to Catch a Cheater? UPDATED

I agree with the answer below me to get the proof to make it easier for her to call off the wedding if that's what should be done. It is easy to sit here and say call it off but to do it in real life is brutal. Likely she loves him too and wants to marry him vs just needs an excuse to call it off. I would go to a local police station and ask for a recommendation. They should know good ones.

I think you can pay for the PI but she really needs to handle this. If he is cheating and they decide to work it out, they can put the blame on you for meddling. I think it is better for you to stay out of it.
Many blessings

Let your sister handle it.

ETA: If your sister is even CONSIDERING hiring a PI, that's reason enough to put the wedding on hold. I know you say she wants you to hire a PI, but I would advise you not to do anything, yourself. She has to take control of her own life. I wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot pole.

As hard as it will be for your sister to accept, this marriage has very little chance of success. She suspected and confronted him in the past; now, someone else is telling her he's cheating. She will NEVER be able to trust him 100%. Ever. She is better off calling off the engagement or, at the least, postponing the wedding. Yes, that will be terribly hard, but it's so much easier than divorce.

If your sister thinks she needs a PI to follow her fiance around, she needs to just leave.

Yes, I think a PI is crazy. The PI can only prove her fiance is a cheater, not disprove. If he catches him in action, he will prove it, if nothing is going on during the time you have hired him, you still owe him money. He can still be a cheater.

I would tell her it is okay to call this off and wait. She has a lot to consider.

Mom,

Your sister needs to call off the wedding. Plain and simple. Don't spend the money on a PI - just call off the wedding. MOVE ON..

Why do I say this?

She had suspicions...ummm sorry - this is NOT how you start off a marriage.

What is she going to do if she finds out he's been cheating on her? Is she going to sue him? WHAT? What does she hope to gain from this?

NO. Just tell her to cut her losses. She doesn't trust him. It isn't going to change. Tell her to call off the wedding and get on with her life WITHOUT him.

No, because if you are so sure he is cheating it doesn't matter if he is or not! It is bad enough to lose trust in a marriage but it is the definition of stupidity to marry someone you don't trust.

They need counseling, not a private investigator.

She needs to cancel the wedding and he needs to be an ex fiance.

Additional:
There is no way she is going to find happiness with this man.
Canceling a wedding might be expensive but it's not nearly as expensive as a divorce can be.
If you throw kids into it, it gets even more expensive plus she has a connection with this guy forever through her kids (and what ever other kids he has with his other women).
How expensive is an incurable STD?
There's a 'gift' that keeps on giving - and she's more likely to be exposed to all kinds of crud - you don't know who/what he's having sex with.
There are some people who are just not monogamous.
They have no business getting married.

I have never used one but would do so if I thought it would be helpful to resolve some outstanding issue - *if* I could find someone with a good reputation and proven track record.

That being said, if I were your sister I would call off (or at least postpone) the marriage. Just the fact that you guys are discussing PIs is a big red flag. This should be one of the happiest, most adoring times in a couple's life together.

My other concern is that you are involved in it. No matter how much you love your sister this really is something that she needs to work out for herself. This could backfire on you in a big way down the road. Not to mention, why are you using your family resources ($$$) for something that is outside your sphere of influence? Can you imagine if she gets cold hard proof that he IS cheating, and she marries him anyway? You're going to be upset probably! And if he's not cheating, but finds out you were involved in the PI activity - how will this affect family relations for years to come?

There is just some boundary crossing here that would make me uncomfortable. I would tell my sister that I love her, wish her well - and trust her to work this out for herself. I will be here to love her no matter what, but I can't participate in her relationship with her fiancé (i.e., interfere in their relationship) - even on a financial level.

Good luck to your sister.

We had some dealings with a lawyer who retained a PI for some other services (e.g. taking photos of scenes of a car accident where negligence was involved), but in my conversations with the PI, I did ask him about these types of things. He had done a fair amount of work in the area of cheating spouses/fiancees. I also know of lawyers who have engaged PIs to check on spouses for drug use or other activities when there is a divorce underway. So it's not just on TV shows or for the ultra-rich. Like anything else, you need someone reliable and honest.

The problem here is that your sister suspects her fiancé, but she has tipped him off to her concerns. So even if he's very careful from now on and doesn't do anything for a PI to catch him in, she doesn't trust him for what may or may not have happened in the past. So they have this huge barrier between them. She went on the word of someone "credible" in her eyes, and in addition, a lot of women would say "trust your gut". She's had suspicions in the past but she has stayed with him.

So I think she needs to do something decisive right now. Her invitations are about to go out, she's about to invest even more money in a wedding, and she's unsure. She either needs to postpone it indefinitely while they get some counseling, she needs to call it off and end the relationship (and get therapy to help her heal and figure out why she stays with someone who cheats), or she needs to get a PI who can unearth what has already happened.

If she gets a PI, she needs to know what she's going to do with any info uncovered. Is she going to try to save the relationship? Is she going to confront the fiancé with the evidence and feel better about a clean break now that she has proof? And what if nothing is unearthed? Does that mean he didn't cheat, or that the PI couldn't find anything? If you do get a PI, I'd suggest going to a couple of divorce attorneys to see who they recommend, who is reasonable in price, and who will give you a sensible estimate of how much time/money this is going to entail at least in the initial stages. A good PI should consult her for free to help her determine if the services are worth the investment. That doesn't mean he'll spend 2 hours with her and listen to her sad story but it does mean a reasonable consultation to see if this is a good working relationship and if she has anything to go on, such as witnesses or the name of the other woman.

Good luck.

I had suspisions my husband was cheating before we were married, but he denied it. AFTER we were married, I found out it was true (obviously I knew it was or I wouldn't haevve had to ask him about it in the first place). We have been through a LOT because of it. The trust is still not where I expect it to be, but we work every day for what we both want. Let me say though, he had to WANT to change to make this work and I had to love him enough to work through the pain, hurt, anger, etc. We did counseling for a while and have done it on and off in the past 12 years. October will be our 10th anniversary.

Had we not had kids, I can tell you I wouldn't have worked through it. I do love him enough, and I did back then, but him cheating on me told me he didn't love me enough - and I couldn't make him want to love me. His realization that I was already 75% gone made him work his tail off to get me back. I can tell you it's been hard on BOTH of us and we have both not done things perfectly to fix it...yes, I had to play my part to make things right again too.

So basically, if she thinks he is cheating enough to want to track him, she needs to just go. It will be hard, but I wouldn't trust him at all. Like I said above, had we not already had kids when I found this out (or when we got married), I wouldn't have put my heart and soul into making it work - it's a LOT of work on both parts...a lot of tears, anger, fear, etc....and it doesn't fix overnight.

Stop.
Think.
I'd think if your sister distrusts this man enough to "want" you to hire a PI, she needs to RUN AWAY from this relationship and marriage.
Is this a case of being more worried about the wedding than the marriage?
Who wants to start off a commitment like this?

To answer your specific question--no I haven't.

Does it matter if he is cheating or not? The bottom line is, your sister does not trust her fiancé. That is reason enough to call off he wedding.

Don't waste your/her money.

She obviously does not trust him and hasn't for some time. Advise her to call off the wedding because she is not ready to make such a commitment with someone she does not trust.

Instead of confronting him, they should have good communication if they are at the point of marriage. This relationship is all wrong on more than one issue.... they don't trust each other, they can't communicate, they obviously know they shouldn't get married.

Even if a PI comes up with a clean as a whistle report, the fact is she does not trust him and she never will if she already has these feelings.

Have your sister do them both a favor and cancel the wedding and all festivities. It is not worth going through the motions of the wedding when the 2 people really don't want to be going through it the motions.

Your poor sister! She is not thinking clearly right now. There is no need to hire a PI to prove anything. She just needs to break it off. Instead of paying for a PI, I would pay for a therapist for her. She needs someone to help her process all of this. No doubt her fiancé will lie about the cheating. He will either try to assure her that he still loves her and that she is crazy to suspect that he is cheating, or he will tell her that any transgressions were all her fault and she is crazy. Either way, she is going to feel crazy for a while. Be there for her.

She should sell her ring to cover the deposits she will lose after she cancels the wedding.

ETA: The answer is NO, she should not go through with the wedding. We had a family friend who had a huge, lavish wedding, only to divorce the guy ONE MONTH later. It is better to lose the deposits and cancel the wedding than it is to file for divorce (could take two years!!!!), face the dismay of the wedding guests, all of whom gave nice gifts, and become a "divorcee".

Your sister just needs some time to wrap her head around the fact that her fiancé is a cheater and that this marriage is not to be. I hope she makes the right decision!!!

She can investigate him herself. Lots of us women have had cheaters and have caught them without having to pay a PI. She can check his phone, emails, and schedule. If he says he's working, she can drive by and see if his car is there. I wouldn't waste my money, if they are having problems already, then it should probably be ended. Good luck.

Well, it is between her and her fiancé. She has to really want to or not want to marry him. I would not worry about the cost of the dresses or anything else if I felt he was not the one for me. The cost of the cancellation and loss of deposits is far less than the grief and financial pain she will endure if she continues.

As they say, it costs only $50 to get married but a whole lot more to get unmarried like in the thousands.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it is a duck. Blindness to love does wear off after many years but then the mistakes have been compounded and children added to the mix. I would strongly suggest going to counseling and if need be you go as moral support. A third party is going to have to show her the error of her ways not you as the concerned sister.

Step back as this is not your life it is hers. Just be on the sidelines as the drama plays out with a crying towel. Do not tell her "I told you so." As this will cause a larger riff than what may occur.

Please keep us updated. I hope she does not marry this man. He may be a smooth talker but I hope she has had herself checked for STDs.

the other S.

PS I think NY still does that blood test thing before marriage.

I would perhaps offer to help her find a PI if that is what she wants to do. But I wouldn't hire one for her or hire one to follow him and then tell her what you find. I'd stay out of any of it beyond pointing her in the right direction, or going along with her to an interview to hold her hand.

As for have I ever done it? I worked for a family law attorney. He had a PI he used for such things. And if you decide to offer your sister any assistance, that is what I would suggest. Get the name of a reputable family law (divorce) attorney, and ask for a PI reference.

No, I have never hired a PI, and based on the other posts, hiring one in this case would not make any sense. In the cases where people hired a PI, it was in situations where the relationship had already come apart and one party wanted evidence for legal proceedings. Your sister isn't even married to the man yet, so there is no need for evidence from a PI. As others have said, if she has been suspicious of his fidelity, the relationship is not solid enough for them to get married in three months. The fact that she has had doubts about him repeatedly means that whether he did or didn't cheat doesn't matter... she doesn't trust him and they don't communicate well enough. Time for her to delay the wedding. Finally, you should not be involved directly in your sister's relationship, particularly in this kind of issue. Paying for a PI to MAYBE find evidence of wrongdoing by one party helps no one.

If you want to invest money in resolving the situation, invest it in counseling for her so she can address her confusion and grief, and ultimately get clear about what she wants to do. Maybe she will end up with him later, but not yet. He would have to do an enormous amount of work to recreate the relationship, and without kids as a motivator, I can't imagine him doing it. Anyway, sorry you all are dealing with this pain.

I wonder if she and he can sit down with a mediator and deal with this openly. Let him have a chance to step out of her life with as little pain as possible. He may feel trapped into marriage, he's gotten this far, can't back out now, right? He needs a way out, she needs to give it to him. If he's cheating then he does not need to be getting married, he's obviously NOT ready. If he is cheating and he marries, he'll be destroying her and himself. I'm sorry for your sister, her heart will break and she will hurt, but it's better to let him go now.

If he doesn't bow out and she keeps him, she needs to build a safety net now. She's had the warning lights flashing, if in a few years it turns out to be true she'll be grateful, if it turns out to be nothing but a rumor, then no loss.

I was pregnant before I married. I gave my husband three chances to back out of marrying me. I told him that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted out. I wouldn't demand he take parental rights or pay child support. I would go home and he would never have to see "us" if he didn't want to. I told him that I loved him, but that I didn't want him if he married me because he suddenly felt he "had" to. We will be having our 8th anniversary in 2 weeks and our daughter will be 8 in August.

Do it. Why get married to a serial cheater? I think it's nice of you to offer.

Sounds like your sis needs some concrete proof. Denial is easy without proof. If it helps her make the decision to dump him (finally) then it's a smart move.

If she has suspicions before the wedding just imagine what married life for her will be like. She will be suspicious during the marriage. I was going to marry a guy that I thought was cheating and too a credible source told me she saw him. He of course denied it but what man is going to tell the truth when they are or have cheated. I didn't go through with it. I know I couldn't live my life wondering if he was cheating or not and my trust in him dwindled fast. If you sister suspects he's cheating then he probably is. Tell her to cancel the wedding and move on. Good luck!!

Save your money- she should leave this guy, thankfully she got this information before marrying him. And if she's already had her suspicions then why would she want to marry him anyways? She would be setting herself up for a long hard road, and forget about having kids with him. Life is too short for that, there are other better men out there!

Very unfortunate situation but your sister has to decide what she's willing to pay for now vs what she may be paying for later. I know of a few women who had serious second thoughts but continued with the wedding anyway. Let me tell you, if they could turn back the hands of time, the would have stopped that wedding regardless of the amount of cash already spent. Both of them, 2 separate cases, were physically abused and now divorced.

Too bad you all are having to deal with something like this, but he probably only admitted cheating because he got caught. I wouldn't trust him 2 seconds.
It is a lot cheaper to get out now, even if there are expenses of dresses, etc, than to get out of a divorce. Just compound that by figuring wedding expenses, plus a divorce.
I'd dump the guy, cancel the wedding and forget the PI, don't need one at that point. Surely she hasn't sent invitations 3 months in advance? Save the people from spending for gifts that might need returning or other expenses they might incur. They have time to make other plans.
Your sister in law will eventually get over it, no doubt for the best. Heartbreak now, but could be the best thing ever, down the road.

YOU shouldn't call anyone. IF your sister decides that SHE wants to have her fiance investigated, then SHE needs to make that call.

She has no business marrying this man.

i can't imagine marrying someone about whom i had that sort of doubt. how awful. i'm so glad she found out, and that the wedding is off. she must be heartbroken, but so much better now than later.
i used to be a PI and most of my cases were surveilling spouses. the problem with it is that most people who hire a PI aren't *actually* looking for the truth, they're looking for 'proof of cheating.' if you can't provide it, they're not satisfied that their partner isn't cheating- they assume you just didn't catch them.
khairete
S.