Would You? - New Orleans,LA

Well he doesn't have to know you are divorced just that you are looking for a new position. Contact him in a professional way and if he responds anything but professional stop and move on.

I have, unknowingly. I asked to use him as a reference and after he gave it (and I got the job) I started getting sketchy text messages from him. I thought he was married, so at first I thought he was joking. I never had any idea that he felt that way about me.
I think I handled it well-something along the lines of I'm not ready for that right now and redirected all conversations to safer ground.
I definitely wouldn't let him hold you back. If he's thinking with the wrong organ chances are it shows.

You want a carrier? Like a large ship that serves as a runway for planes? Or do you want a career?

I am currently on a search committee for an office administrator, and I have had to sift through over 70 resumes with horrible misspellings, bad grammar, and confusing layout. I pray that if you use this line in your application, please don't tell them you are looking for a carrier. That speaks volumes about your abilities.

I can promise you, every reference we have called for every candidate has said glowing things. I put very little weight on these glowing reports because the people who apply only choose those who will say positive things. I put a lot more value on how they present themselves in person and on paper. Moreover, using someone you know has a crush on you is unethical and very well may backfire. Search committees are usually pretty savvy and pick up in interpersonal relationships like that. If I caught whiff of that dynamic, I would completely disregard what he says.

any former employer *should* be open for tapping for recommendations, assuming of course that you were good at your job as a 'carrier'. ;) and no, it should not be construed as a come-on.
if this guy is a total schmuck, obviously don't use him. but if he's a decent boss who had an indecent impulse, don't hesitate to 'use' him professionally. if he mistakes it for a door opening, close it firmly and courteously.
you wouldn't be sending the wrong message, though. you can never guarantee how people will respond. and you can't base all your actions by trying to prophylactically predict what others will do. proceed from an honorable and ethical place, and assume this will work in your favor most of the time.
and it will.
khairete
S.

NEVER base your decision on a man's misbehavior. If you want and need that job, you don't "not apply" because some guy may take it the wrong way or act inappropriately.

Pursue it. Be firm and respectful that this is a professional matter, not a romantic one. Don't be timid and unsure of yourself or he'll act even worse.

I'm not really sure how your question is worded, but is the new job to be working with this man? If so, decide if you are up for enforcing your boundaries or not. If so, go for it. If not, don't. If it's just asking him for a reference: You do that as a professional. He shouldn't not give you one because he used to have a crush on you, and you won't owe him anything if he gives it. Professionals give each other references all the time.

Obviously he has crossed lines in the past. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. This guy can't see boundaries and that makes him a sketchy reference anyway.

He was your boss and people in that job capacity are asked to be used as job references all the time. You would not be "using" him by asking him to do something that is just a normal part of the job search process. If he's a decent person, he won't let his past feelings for you get in the way of his professionalism. As long as you approach the situation in a professional manner yourself, it should work out fine. I wouldn't not ask him, especially if his reference could land you the job.

It sounds like two things are going on. One, you need a job, or you need a better job. Two, you've been sexually harassed, borderline stalked, something bad. In both of these areas, YOU HAVE RIGHTS. If you did good work for your boss, send him a crisp, polite, formal letter requesting a recommendation. Once you have the job, if he comes on to you, say, "I'm sorry Stan, I think you're a great guy, but we're not going to have a relationship. I don't want to have to complain to HR, so let's just be coworkers, and that's it." Document (aka write down) that instance, just in case. If it happens again, put in a serious complaint to HR.

Bottom line, this guy already made you uncomfortable. He doesn't have the right to deprive you of a career.

I would do it. Be professional. If he liked your work, then hopefully he will be professional back.

A recommendation won't get you a job. It's not like he's doing a miracle for you.

If you screen your calls and don't pick up unless you know the person, then it's easier to control your communication. If he emails you asking if you have a job yet, wait a few days and then answer with a short note saying not yet, but you have hopes that it will be soon. Don't engage in pleasantries. Just answer, Best regards, E. B.

Unless he has shown creepy stalker tendencies, go ahead and ask him.

Assuming he's not a stalker type person I'd definitely ask for a recommendation. You said he had a crush on you - which generally describes a harmless flirtation. If he had any stalker-traits however, I would not - no need to bring a weirdo back into your life if it can be avoided. But if he's a nice polite guy then go ahead. You never know, he may now be super-involved with a wonderful lady and no longer feel that crush. I've found that even with teeny romantic business flirtations the people who were involved still have a fondeness for the other years later. (I've been in the same small industry for about 25 years so I've seen plenty of that!)

Most good jobs are found through contacts - it's all about who you know. So go ahead and use your contacts. If he wanted to find you on linkedin he could do so with or without your request for a recommendation. Good luck mama.

I'm not sure I understand why a recommendation would lead to the "Hey, I'm available now" comment... unless the ex-boss knows that you are no longer in a relationship? (Are you no longer in a relationship? That isn't clear, and I haven't read your past posts...)

If it can lead to a good career change for you, then go for it. If the ex-boss pursues you on a personal basis, then handle that appropriately... (whatever is appropriate for your situation.)

Will this job opening be back with the ex-boss, or in the same area?

Lots to consider......

Personally, my career would not be worth opening that can of worms which could in turn ruin your CAREER if you were to work together, he assumes you are interested because you contacted him and then you give him the brush off because all you want is a recommendation....(i.e. Used him) UNLESS... you are interested in more that ex-boss situation.

Is he married? If so, stay WAY back away from this.
Since you are fresh out of a painful divorce, you are not ready to entertain relationships like this in the workplace or anywhere else. You need to get yourself sorted out emotionally, take your time and get a recommendation from someone else. I am glad you are trying to step up the ladder in order to support your children but step up in ways that will not potentially bite you in the rear later.

Like I said, if you and ex-boss had an issue in the past, you are opening up that possibility again by contacting him.

ETA: If this person is going to be a boss to you for this new job. NO.

I too, like Mom B, don't know how asking for a recommendation leads to "I'm available".

Do you mean carrier - like a mail carrier or career?

E.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

No. I would NOT ask a former boss who has a crush on me for a recommendation.

Find another person who can give you a glowing recommendation.

It's called a job reference. It's to be expected to ask former supervisors for a reference. Whether or not he had a crush on you does not matter. How long has it been since you worked with him? If it's not been recently then asking for a reference probably isn't appropriate. If you think his reference would be helpful, just ask for one. Make Iit a business call, email or whatever. Leave personal issues out of it.

Sounds like you want him to know you're now single. If so, be upfront and tell him. Call to catch up. If he's no longer interested you'll know with a phone call. No big deal.

If you don't want personal contact that's easy too. Be business like and impersonal in your contact. If he calls you and you don't want a personal relationship be cool and distant with him. Be busy. Again no big deal.

If he requires personal interaction to provide a business reference don't ask him for one. His reference wouldn't be reliable.

Normally, asking for a recommendation is a total non-issue and would in no way suggest you were romantically available.

However, something must be very odd between you and your former boss to make this something you'd worry about. This is not something most people have to consider.

You don't have to mention your divorce at all when you're asking for a professional recommendation. If he already knows and asks you out or something, simply turn him down. You keep it business like and set the tone.

You ask him for a professional letter of reference. One that goes into your portfolio.

In fact, you can send him a lovely email asking for one and requesting that he send it to you in PDF format is possible.

That way, you have his glowing reference to hand out when you need it and don't need to worry about him changing his mind somewhere down the line and trashing you.

You don't need to see him, exchange phone numbers, etc.

Go after your career and the better job. If the man asks you out you can say "no".

Not knowing if his crush was serious, if there was sexual harassment involved, if he was angry or upset when you left that job -- it's hard to answer the question.

I would first think hard about whether there is another staff person at that office who could act as your reference, so you don't have to ask this particular former boss. Is there someone else there -- the person over his head, or your immediate supervisor if there was a supervisory level between you and the crush-boss -- who could be equally valid as a reference? Someone who is familiar with details of your work there, or whom you could contact with some reminders and details so that person will be prepared to talk about you?

If the crush was mild and the boss was fine when you left; if he never acted on the crush; if he was just friendly but not icky or harassing; it could be OK to use him as a reference. But if there was more to this story, and he possibly is nursing a grudge against you for rejecting him or leaving the job, or if he would expect you to be "interested" in him in return for a good reference -- no, do not use him, even if he does have good contacts. A LOT depends here on what happened or did not happen between you. If you have any qualms at all, do not use him but find someone else to be your reference. A former employee will do fine as a reference, if that person had actual knowledge of your work while you both were there.