Our son is 12 and I am so sad at the way he has been treating me and his father. We are church goers, we actually attend Gateway, where he also attends a junior high youth group. His father and I have been married 16 years, so there is no divorce or anything our son has to deal with. And the only thing I can think of is that his daddy lost his job back in november and hasn't worked since then. (which is causing stress in the family) BUT God has helped us through and has blessed us!
My problem, since November our son has not been doing good in school. He has been failing alot of quizzes and test. He is a good kid and usually we can have heart to heart talks with him and sometimes that works. He is very close to my husband now. It used to be me he was close to. Now he is difiant and rude, and lies to me. He has a problem with blaming everyone when he has or is doing wrong. That part I can't stand. He has a problem saying I'm sorry, or I apologize. He has been raised in church and he knows better. Its like he has "hard" heart.
I know prayer and taking more time with him will help. But what if he doesn't want to take the time? It is hurting me so much. I can't stand to see "my little boy" that used to be so sweet, loving, honoring, and respectful turn into someone different.
Any suggestions, anyone else going through this?
I don't know if you are interested, but I heard that a great nanny agency in Dallas, Mom's Best Friend, just launched a Family Coaching program. It sounds like they are working with a very qualified family coach who can help with any and all family issues, kid issues, etc. It might be worth a shot!!I found their phone #...it is ###-###-####. Their website is www.momsbestfriend.com also.
Other than being a teen once a LONG time ago, I haven't dealt with this yet, but I heard a show on NPR recently about the development of the brain at this time in a kids life. Now that they have MRI's and all those imaging scanners they can see the activity going on in there and it's UNBELIEVABLY active and changing. So not only are they hormonally and socially in upheaval, their brains are changing too. They're learning on ALL levels how to be adults and I think it's beyond confusing for them. He has to distance from you somewhat because he's becoming a man, but Dad needs to help him do it without being rude/mean. I don't know if a non-immediate family member could be a mentor, but maybe that would help him since he's trying to figure out who he's becoming as an adult, and parents can be too close to the problem. Good luck, and kudos for being there for him :)
I have a 14 yr old girl and they are going through a very emotional time finding out who they are. Middle school is tough....you are friends with 1 group 1 day and outcast another....the ups and downs are NOT fun. I personally don't see your son having a "hard" heart, I see him figuring out who he is.
Now, rest assured...you will get plenty of responses claiming he has some mental disorder and needs therapy and meds. Who knows, that might be true but I am a firm believer that parents are over drugging and over counseling kids instead of being there and talking to them.
Fortunately, we are ok behavior wise but we have seen mood changes on occasion and heartbreak over friendships. Some of the girls are cruel. I happen to have a popular girl with a lot of friends in several groups. One thing she does have.....friends from different groups such as her orchestra friends are different from all the cheerleader friends which are different from the preppy and skater friends. She is also active OUTSIDE the school for friends as well.
She is aware that yelling at me or my husband is crossing the line and when that happens, we take her most prized possession, her iphone. It does not take many times for that to happen and she si right back on track.
It does get better!!!!!!!!! We are very open minded and have lines of communication with nothing off limits. She knows we will always listen to her, even though we might not agree with her. Be there for him ready to pick him up emotionally and help maintain his self esteem.
I know it is hard, hang in there.... We've been married 20 yrs and the ages of 10-13 were the worst (SO FAR)
TF
Honey,
This age and up it hard... I just recently found out my daughter 13 has been talking with an older boy about the nastiest things I've ever read. I brought her up in church, she goes regularly, still she's engaging in this bad behavior. My husband and I have had our share of problems, however, he has always said I've been too easy on them, and he's too hard on them. I don't know the right answer, I know even with our 2 year old son, he knows mom's a push over. I love my kids deeply, I've never been hard with them or too strict, but maybe I should have been. Do you rule with an iron fist? I don't have the answers, Pray does work, it takes time. You are not alone by any means...
God Bless
It sounds like you are doing lots of things right. I have been told, esp from my sister who has a 12 year old boy in the very same spot, that this is when boys are tough. All kids are tough right now, but girls tend to be able to get emotions out better than boys. The counselor at my sisters school suggested that he have a good, physical outlet, everyday to help get some of his emotions out. Also, I wonder if doing some sort of meaningful volunteer work would help him foster a better sense of himself and the world around him. If he is taking to your husband right now, then let him take the reigns. He must teach him to respect you, rather than you trying to do it. While I assume this is the case, does your son see your husband treating you with great respect?? This is really tough, and while I agree that we are overdiagnosing left and right, maybe at least a chat with his school counselor would help you both find new ways to cope. Good luck...my boy is only 2, but I can tell already that I am not looking forward to that stage!! ~A.~
Hello T.,
I'm sorry to hear your son's behavior is causing you grief. Have you talked w/ your pastor? a youth pastor? I pray that God gives you wisdom. Disrespectul behavior should be met with zero tolerance. As he gets older and stronger will be harder to control. there are a few things to do (which you're probably doing already) like no tv, no phone, no computer no video games, etc. lots of reading and lots of house work. No outing with friends, no friends over, until school work improves.
Also, is he eating new foods, does he have any food allergies, is he taking any medication (cold, allergy, etc) that might be affecting part of his behavior (the lying would not be because of meds)
is he so stressed because of your husbands work situation?
try and find ways to help him relax. in the mean time, you can also help /w relaxation... get some lavender oil and difuse it around the house (put 5-10 drops on a tissue and put tissues around the house...make sure it's on a glass plate or something so it doesn't ruin any furniture). will he drink chamomile tea? (as long as he's not allergic to ragweeds) perhaps after he relaxes a bit he will open up and tell you what's really bothering him.
Oh, have you talked w/ his teachers? there could be something going on at school too. Good luck and God bless! ~C.~
My sister said this site was helpful with her 14-year-old son (she called the toll-free "hotline"): http://www.parenting.org/
I hope things get better soon.
Light from the other side - my stepson is 14 now, and he is a gentleman again. Prayer, guidelines, and patience from the parents. My 12 year old is going through it now (a girl - eesh!).. but it seems to be going faster.
S.
