Advice Greatly Appreciated...

First of all, I was one of those teenage girls that would sneak out of the house and go see boys so I can also relate. I would also see a boy that my parents didn't think I should date. She may be telling the truth and not seeing him anymore, but in my situation I got pretty good at sneaking around and keeping it from my parents. If she really wants to see him she will find a way and spying on her 24/7 isn't going to make a difference. Where there's a will there's a way! You just have to have open communication with your daughter to make sure she isn't making any other poor choices or put her on birth control! Too many of my friends became teenage mothers because of this same situation. I think if my mom had been more open with me I probably wouldn't have made some of the decisions I made so young. Now that I am a mother of a daughter I have already vowed to have a strong relationship of communication so that she will make better choices for herself as she gets older. Hope this helps!

Hi G.! Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life. I thought I might give you advice coming from an ex-"wildchild".
I've been in your daughters position more times than I'd like to admit. I had wonderful parents, very loving and caring....they did everything for me...but it didn't seem that way when I was younger...I would do anything for attention, and I'm sure your daughter is the same way...Shes becoming a woman and she doesn't know know to deal with it and all the "feelings" she has, so she acts out...then a young man comes along and tells her all the things she wants to hear...the last thing on her mind are the morals in which her parents laid down...not that their not instilled in her brain, she just has a new way of thinking...Don't EVER think your being to strict..so whatever you feel is the right thing to do then do it, do whatever you can to keep her safe, while also trying to keep in mind that shes growing up and you won't like everything that she does...I'm not sure how much I've helped, but I just wanted to give you some insight!! Gob Bless you and your family!! I hope all is well! Please keep me updated!! Good Luck!!
A.

Don't let yourself be guilted by her "you should trust me" routine. Having been her age you know that you can only trust a teenager so much. They're going to test the limits and try to get the independence they THINK they can handle. How old is the guy she was seeing? If he's over 18 yrs., there are legal repercussions for seeing someone your daughter's age. You may need to have a little chat w/ him and/or his parents to let it be known that if he doesn't stay away from your daughter you'll seek legal intervention. Also, I hate to say it, but you may need to put some heat on your husband to spend time w/ your daughters. Young girls that don't get enough time w/ their fathers have a tendency to seek that male attention somewhere else. She obviously has some self-esteem issues and trouble dealing w/ stress if she turned to self-mutilating. I think continuing therapy might be a good idea to help her gain some more tools to deal w/ life's disappointments. Also, if you're really worried about her slipping out again, get a house alarm. Don't tell the kids the code and only set it at night. Ours could wake the dead! :) Anyway, good luck navigating these tough years. I pray I can get my little girl through them unscathed when the time comes.

I have such sympathy as I too was once 15. No matter the age of the child it is their nature to be manipulative even when they don't know they're doing it. I encourage you to follow your gut over guilt even when she is sounding and behaving reasonably. She is still a child and it's your job to teach, protect and love. Remember, it's not important that she like you. When she plays the "trust" card let her know that it has to be earned. You know that she's capable of being honest and trustworthy but it will take time for her to earn your trust, not only because of her past actions but also because of her age. I suggest encouraging her to do something she's passionate about and support her fully in whatever that is. This can give her a real sense of freedom and autonomy while building her sense of self worth and hopefully will reduce her need to be vaildated in undesirable and potentially harmful ways.

All the best

My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what you must be going through. I have a 14 year old, but I do not have those kind of problems. Others of course, but not that drastic. In my home, there is no privacy. Her room IS my room. I go in any time I feel the need and she knows it. I stay involved. I check through things, read her my space, text messages and everything. Some may think this is totally controlling and that I do not give her any freedom.EXACTLY. MY husband is in law enforcement. I know the trouble out there. I protect. She may not always like it, but when she grows up, she will thank me. She at times does complain about it,but when something happens and she needs me, she knows I have her back.

But more importantly, my daughter goes to Church. No better protector than God. A good youthgroup would be able to reach her when you can not. Faith is a powerful source. The bible, an excellent guide book. Pray and believe. God has promised us our children, He will protect.

That does not mean we sit back and do nothing. But we use our knowledge to watch out. Let her know, you love her and want her around forever, therefore it is your duty as a Mom to watch out for her when maybe her decisions are not the best. Trust your own judgement and instincts. Like I said you may get the cold shoulder at times, but at least she is there to give it to you.

Best of luck!

WOW your daughter sounds like me at that age. Let me tell you straight she will play you if she can. DONT have faith. The things you are doing is to protect her so dont feel bad! Its hard raising children. I would rather be super over protective than having her get in trouble with this boy. Do things with her one on one and spend time with her, be involved in positive ways and make her feel special. Dont let that boy be the only one to make her feel special. Have a "night" that you rent a movie (she likes) and hang out. Re do her room a little at a time, be her mom not her friend. TRUST me she needs it, I know I did when I was looking for trouble when I was younger. Good luck J.

I don't think I can help you out too much, but one thing that might help is finding someone more her age to give her the advice that you're trying to give her. Teenagers don't listen to authority figures b/c they are going through the stage of "they can't know anything i don't know!" I had a loser boyfriend also, and my parents never told me I couldn't see him, but just that I couldn't be alone with him at his house(he was 19? and i was 17?). Don't press your daughter to talk to you too much, but definitely let her know that you are there if she wants to. Mainly, don't try too hard or at least don't let it seem that you are trying too hard. Like another mom said, it will just be a phase and she should grow up to be a successful adult. Your job is just to keep her safe and instill the right morals. Make sure she knows that if she's in trouble at all that she can call you or talk to you no matter what it is. Good luck!

I don't know how good my advice will be but I was wild as a teenager too. I snuck out of the house, slept with other guys, yelled at my mom and everything. She too had the police talk to me and put me in group counseling, which I got kicked out of. Now I am a CPA who made almost a 4.0 in college and had the priviledge of working for 2 of the largest CPA firms in the world. I have a beautiful daughter and second baby due this month. I work hard and I am very religious too. I also married my high school sweetheart. As you can see, things work out in the end all you can do is make sure you instill good values in your children and pray they find there way. The more you spy the more she will push you away. I would definately discuss sex with your daugther and the diseases she can get especially AIDS, maybe even have another teenage who has one of those diseases come talk to her. As a child you never think things can happen to you so try to open up her eyes. Maybe she is reacting this way because he father isn't around a lot. I would talk to your husband. Maybe he can do some job shifting to be at home more and spent more time with the kids before they move out of the house and it is too late. If you need his income maybe you can either work more or start working if you stay at home to help out so he can get involved more. I desperately want to stay at home with my daughter but if I did my husband would have to work 2-3 jobs to support us and that would not be in the best interest of my children, they need both of us and so do your kids. Definitely, let your daughter know the rules and don't back down. Ground her for certain behaviors and make sure she stays in the house and don't let her off of the restriction because of a special dance or certain event. You need make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything without you punishing her or judging her but that she can't walk all over you. When I look back I think most of things I did were done specifically because my mom was too strict, I was not able to stay up late or go places with guys even though I was 17 yrs old but my brother could do everything. As for the sleeping around, I think I did that because I couldn't say no. It is really a lot harder today because most kids at much younger ages are sleeping around, so girls think they have to to get a boyfriend or be popular, you need to show her that isn't the case that if I guy truly loves her he will wait. I regret sleeping with other guys and will for the rest of my life, it was the dumbest thing I did and I wish I had the strength back then to wait until I was married. Remember prayer and religion can only help and God is lisening, so have faith.

Hey G.,
i have three boys and they are pre-teen but i here about cutting daily from junior high kids. it sounds like a new fad...please know your daughters situation is horrible but i am sure they here about this about this at school, radio and tv daily. have you thought about putting those alarms on the windows..the ones that ring when you open the window. i saw them at lowes. they are magnets and when the magnets separate them ring....just an idea.

the other things is make her earn your trust back. when i was young i broke my parents trust and they made me earn it back.

good luck!

G.,

Get your daughter into activities that she likes. Karate, dance, art, whatever interests her, get her busy. Sports are the best. The teen years are really tough. Sports helps them.

D.

Over the years I have heard a lot of talk about trusting, respecting and treating your children like adults if you want them to behave like adults. The problem with this line of thinking is that our children are not adults. They are children. Maturity is learned, not grown into. If you have a feeling about this situation go with it, do not doubt your motherly instincts. It is your job as a parent to teach and protect your children. Buy a security system for your home; do not tell the girls the access code to shut it off. Put bars on the windows. Know your child’s where a bouts every hour of the day. Have her involved with after school activities and supervised planned events. There is no such thing as being over protective. This is a myth and guilt trip. You are the parent and legally responsible for you child until they are legal age. Of course our children are going to resist, cry, scream, and go behind our backs. They are children this is what they do. Knowing that they are trying to manipulate you take the effectiveness away. Be strong for your children, when they are adults and have children of their own they will thank you for it.

K., Former bad girl and mother of two little ones.

Dear G. H,

I hestitate to ask this because sometimes people might take offense or feel defensive....so please understand that my advice and questions are given with love and good intentions.

If you are currently in a Bible-based church with your daughter(s), do they have a youth group? If so, does your daughter go to youth group activities regularly or when time permits? I ask these questions because you would be amazed at the difference a youth group and the church's youth pastor can really help out in these type of situations. The teenagers feel more free to connect and speak freely about their feelings, while getting the best advice possible from a "faith" perspective. Sometimes, as parents, we are not "so cool" and our teenagers will not confide in us, but someone who is in that kind of position, who is completely and fully trained in their field (most have majored in psych) have a way of getting close to them, allowing them to open up, and teaching them by example. It's the best "free" treatment that you can find!!! Contact your daughter's youth pastor, trust me...you won't regret it. It takes the load off of you and opens up a communication door with your daughter because you are no longer the so-called "bad guy" and she can come to you and enjoy conversations with you and soon maybe she will begin to share her feelings more openly and freely. Right now, she is probably just as upset as you are. When our kids reach the "teenage years", it is a true and loving blessing to be "welcomed" into their world where everything is about boys or girls, dating, who's dating who, who broke up with who, etc.

If you do not have a home church that you and your daughters attend or perhaps its difficult to attend regularly, that is where I would put my energy in helping the situation right now. Seek out a home church that has a very good following for teenagers and try it.

I will share with you that I have an 18 year old daughter and our church and the youth group has been a tremendous blessing in our lives as parents. She has grown up in the church, exremely involved, and now that she has gone off to college...none of that has changed. She attends a youth service and belongs to a youth group that is directly located near her college. She absolutely loves it because it still keeps her connected when she is away. In addition to that, she has gone to the youth pastor and is going to head up a Christian-based Sorority/Frat group and I couldn't be more proud. She has no desire to belong to what has become the "norm" at colleges concerning those clubs because all they do is party and drink. It's just not her and she is not at all alone. You would shocked at the number of college students that attend this particular youth service every week and those same students who are looking forward to becoming members of a Sorority/Frat type of club where they can feel free to fellowship, have fun, enjoy gatherings, and yes "party" minus all the drinking, etc.

Also, there were several times during her years before going to college, and remember she is only 18....but there were so many times that having that youth group or the youth pastor to talk to really, really helped her through the "tough teenage years" and I will be forever grateful.

So, please....consider my advice and whatever you do....understand that my advice comes to you from one mother to another, no conditions, no presumptions....just understanding and love.

I hope this helps you.

T. H

I don’t know if what I say will help you but at 15 I was your daughter. The boy I was with was abusive and controlling always in trouble. However I was not made to break up with him. I also started having sex with him at 15 and I didn’t tell my mom even though she had always been very understanding and supportive of me. When my mom found out that I was having sex with him she put me on the pill and made me take it in front of her. I don’t know this boy to know just how much trouble he is but I can tell you that at that age any one I was told I couldn’t be around became my new best friend. However have trust in her she probably realizes that he was no good for her she is probably just trying to be “cool”. I would really urge you not to dismiss the cutting and depression as a result of the boy, consider that maybe the boy was a result of the depression. Give her some freedoms if she doesn’t get to go places and hang out with her friends then what does she have to loose if she disobeys you. This is a hard age she is trying to grow up but isn’t mature enough yet. Like I said I don’t know if anything I said will help you.

Hi G.. I grew up with a single mom who was only 16 when she had me. Even though she was young she turned her life around and was out on her own taking care of me and did all the over time etc she needed to do to give me a great life....for that I am VERY proud of her. We also had a lot of family around as well to help out. So not to sound rude at all but just because the boy is in a single family home does not mean that is the reason for his behavior. When I was a teenager my mom basically let me do whatever, whenever I wanted to. She and my family always taught me what was right and wrong and so forth. She trusted me and let me know that. I never got into trouble or did anything realy crazy. It's just the way I was. It was also aloud that if I wanted to have a drink even, to try, I could as long as I was in the house or she knew where i was, again I was and still am so against drunk driving, etc that she could TOTALLY trust me. What I am trying to say is that it sounds like you as well as the rest of your household family anyway, seem to have a LOT of trust issues. If you can't trust than it is just so hard. The way you talk in your description of your husband it sounds as though there may be issues there as well. She could be trying to get some attention from him as well, does he ever get into anything with her?
People are SO different, situations are SO different. I have a friend who's younger sister was JUST doing the same thing this past year through now. She had the SAME things happen with the guy. She also had a problem with cutting, etc. Don't know if it would help but if you're interested let me know and I can talk to my friends and see if she would talk to you about some of the stuff. Even though she still gets upset about it and may not want to talk about it at least know that you're not alone in these types of situations. I think you need to have a REAL talk with her and try and set up some sort of trust. She's going to do what she wants and you won't even know anything about it. You can't be with them EVERY SECOND. Kids will do what they are told NOT to, FIRST. It's the way it is, always had been and always will be. I'm still the same way and I know if my mom gave me a hard time about anything I would have gone and done it just to show her I COULD. (Maybe that's why she always let me know she trusted me....then again I never let her down either.)

Wow G., I feel so sorry for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm not sure about really how much advice I can give you. Actually I'm not sure if I can give you any. I don't have teenagers yet. Mine are 5 & 1 boys. But I was your daughter not so very long ago. I was my parents heart attack, sleepless nights, go insane period in their lives. It's funny because I didn't see it at all until I had my own children. I look back at my past and wonder how I skated through safely. Not hurt by someone, contracted an STD, or even worse become pregnant. Actually, I did become pregnant at 16 but had a miscarriage. I hate to say it but I am very thankful that happened now. I also had a loser boyfriend who I thought was God's gift to me. My Dad would not let us see each other either and I thought my life was over. I just knew he stole my future husband away from me.Now I look back and think "what in the world was I thinking? What a complete idiot that guy was." Was there any way my parents could tame me? NO. I had the "I will learn from my own experiences, not yours" attitude. I snuck out constantly doing God knows what. And I even feared my Dad, he was very strict and a big man. If my parents said no, I would just do it behind their backs.
I'm not trying to scare you, which I'm sure I have. I don't think I really have the answer you are looking for to fix the issue. But I will tell you this- my mother and father were complete opposites. Dad was strict and never gave in if he did not agree or think something I was doing was not safe. I hated him when I was a teenager. Literally, I was horrible to my father and really hated him. I remember once I told him I hated him and wished he would leave and never come back. My mother on the other hand was my best friend, let me do whatever I wanted to. She always said "I would rather know what your doing and you call if you get in trouble, then to tell you no and you do it behind my back and not call me if you get into trouble." Boy I loved my Mom. But now that I have children of my own, my thinking has done a 360. I now have the utmost respect for my father for loving me and caring for me enough to protect me to the best of his ability even with me fighting against him every step of the way. Recently I wrote him a letter telling him how sorry I was for putting him through so much as I was growing up and thanked him for loving me enough to never give up. My Mom on the other hand I have lost a lot of respect for. I know she loved me and did what she thought was right, but I would never in my life let my kids do some of the things that I did. I've never told my mother that, I would never want to hurt her feelings. But I have told her I did not agree with her theory. I told her that her knowing what I was doing didn't keep me safe. What if I got into a situation where I couldn't call her: like a car accident from driving under the influence, or getting raped at a party, etc... At least my Dad knew that if something happened to me, he could live with himself in knowing that he did all he could possibly do to prevent it. My mother would never be able to say that because she would have let me do it.
Point being is, if you love your daughter and care about the mature adult she will become eventually, always stick to your guns no matter what. I can only imagine how painful it is and stressful on top of it, but it is your job to teach her what is right and what is wrong. Love her, listen to her, be understanding and let her know you hear what she is saying and know how she feels. But if you don't agree with it tell her "I know you don't understand, but it is my job as a parent who loves their child to say no." Also, if you know that she is going to see this boy no matter what, maybe you can talk to her and tell her that you don't agree with it, but that maybe ya'll can compromise. Maybe you can shaperone them so that they can see each other or have a trustworthy shaperone with them at all times. Maybe then it won't be so hard for her. Well, I hope this helps and I wish you the best.