I Need Help with My 14 Yr Old Son, Please?

I have a 14 year old son that has some of the same behaviors. I believe it is age and the raging hormones of puberty for the most part. I have 4 boys and three of them have gone through the same behaviors. They can't seem to help themselves. Keep consistent the behavior will pass eventually.

Have you tried talking to his school counselor? Maybe they can refer you to a free or reduced-cost counseling service.

My heart also goes out to you. Check with any sort of human services in your area - or your church if you attend. One thing that might help if being sure your son has an adult male to bond with. At one of our churches we had men who would specifically invite boys without dads to go out for a coke or go fishing or anything that interested the boy. Have you looked into Big Brothers - my brother in law and his wife are involved in that and it is a good way for your son to find a role model.
Also - is he interested in doing some sort of volunteer work - the local humane society is a good place to start. They always need people to walk the dogs and play with all the animals. The unconditional love of the animals is good therapy for anyone!
I'm sure he is angry about his dad and can't take it out on anyone but you -he may even blame you to some extent.

M. C

There is a great book: COMMON SENSE PARENTING. I can't remember the author, but it is easy to implement strategies to help both you and your son with decisions and consequences. It can take a little work and a lot of determination. It takes the yelling out of parenting, which will make you feel better and him take ownership of his decisions and actions. I bet you could get it through Barns and Noble.
I was a junior high teacher for nineteen years and have three children. I really got a lot out of this book.
D. J.

I work at KU Medical Center and I understood that both Johnson county and Wyandotte Co had VERY GOOD free clinics for therapy.
I also understand therapy is so that someone LISTENS more than anything and then can help.
I don't know if you can make a 14 year old do anything, but surely the professionals would have some ideas.

I am sorry about your husband. Have you tried talking to the school counselor, if they have one, or just asking at the school for other options that they may know about. There may be somewhere that you could take him that would be based on income or even free. I hope things get better soon!

Unfortunately I don't think you can do anything. We all know how hard it is to be a teenager and to have a parent pass away makes it all that much harder. Maybe one day when he doesn't seem so moody you can try to sit him down and talk to him rationally about what he expects of you and what you expect of him. You guys have to be a team now.
Have you looked around your area? Sometimes they have low cost mental health clinics that can help you with therapy (it's not always as much as you think... I pay about $9 a session).
Good luck! I was that teenager once and I made it through ok.

I have been through the same exact thing with my son. He was 13 when his Father passed away. Counceling in a must. Some churches have grievance counceling. The school has special councelors for this sort of thing. If he gets medicaid/medicare they will pay for it. There are behavioral camps available. He has to know that getting in your face is disrespectful and is not acceptable. I had to do tough love. My son was hitting walls, got into drinking and drugs. He was arrested and with the help from the courts after 2 years we turned him around. Pay attention to his friends. You can ask the councelors at school. Pray to God and I will be praying for you.

I really don't have any suggestions on how to deal with the situation. I'm sorry for your lost. I read that you can't afford therapy. There is an organization called Catholic Charities. They provide counseling based on a financial sliding scale. I have gone through them before and it only cost me $25. Also, if you guys have any religious preference or go to church, there are MANY priests and support groups through churches that can help. Also, there are many grief support groups. I'm sure there are kid-teenager grief support groups. Wouldn't it be great if he met a friend who has gone through a similar loss? I really hope your family the best. Good luck.

How about the counselor at school? That is free :)

When u say that u can not afford counseling you might check into things around your area about free counseling or based on your income it is an option!

You need to find him a male role model. This is a critical time for him to see and have help with a lot of male things...temper, anger, homones, girls, life issues, responsibility, someone to show him how to treat his mother and future girlfriends.... This may be difficult to find someone but look to family first, grandpa, uncle...maybe a family friend that can spend some quality time with him, shooting hoops, or video games, hiking...whatever his interests lie. You can also try the big brother and big sister program. He needs a man that he can talk to and that can see things from a male perspective. Are you involved in a local church? That is a good place to find someone that good be a good influence adn listener for him...

Wow sorry to hear of your loss and the problems you are having with your son. Maybe a male figure in his life would help him channel his anger and frustrations into something more positive. I am not sure of the details of your situation,but maybe enrolling him in sports or contacting Big Brothers Big Sisters would help. Also, maybe a friends father or an uncle can do "man" stuff with him. Good luck!

There are so many cheaper ways to get therapy. When I couldn't afford it, I got help and ended up paying $3 a session (I'm bipolar)... could you afford that? Could you look into those options? Or check out counceling at a church or school. It sounds to me like he needs it (and no wonder). I also reccommend the book How to talk so Teens (or kids) will listen and listen so Teens will talk. Taking things away might not be the answer. Maybe he needs more you...? Losing a parent has to be so hard at that age. I hope you can find someone to help. Try to get him the help he needs.
K.

I would suggest that you check with his guidance counselor at school. Most public schools can direct you to counseling that would be based on a sliding fee scale. My son years ago went to counseling and we paid a very small amount based on my income. Good luck.

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I think that you are right, it is a combination of his age and his father's death. I only have two suggestions. One, can you talk to his school counselor. I have found that they can offer many suggestions on the age group and resources for help. Second, do you attend church? Is there a church in your community that has a strong youth group. This can offer emotional stability, growth, male mentors, and a distraction from the problems he thinks he has. Whatever you do, stay strong, don't let him get away with disrespect, and make sure he knows that you love him even when he is acting unloveable. I must add, that this is also a time when teens start experimenting with drugs. Keep an eye and drug test him if you think you need to . You can go to Walgreens and buy simple tests that are very accurate. Sudden mood changes are due to the teen years, but can also be an indication of drug use.
I will be praying for you.

Honestly it sounds like he needs to be seen by a Therapist.
I wish I had a magic fix but it boils down to that. There are issues going on underneath, inside of your Son that he is struggling with.
I found 'Catholic Charities' was an awesome help in my time of need and will see patients/clients with minimal or no charge if need is shown. The Phone book should have 'Catholic Charities listed or talk to a Priest or friend who is Catholic for more imformation.' If you are not Catholic that is fine, they will still see you and won't try to change your religious preference. I am Southern Baptist and I still use them.
Also check with local hospitals for services they can offer for free. If you are honest with them about his behaviour and your need you would be suprised who will be willing to help you. The hardest part is reaching out, I know from my past. The Goal is to get your Son what he needs so he can live a healthy, happy life, as I know that is what you wish for him as his Mother.
Also your own Church Family may sponser him for Therapy, talk to your Pastor or another official in the Church that you trust not to gossip and alot of times they will help you get the funds you need without ever stating his or your name. It would be "just a Single Mom and child in the Neighborhood", after all we as a Church should see that our own who are hurting and wounded get the help they need as much as helping a stranger.

Anger is extremely normal in his situation... even adults go through extreme anger after the death of a loved one. You may have to punish his action, depending on what it is, but I don't believe you're dealing with what's going on in his heart by only dealing with actions. This young man needs to deal with his feelings.

Please don't think you can't afford counseling. I know many counselors (Forest Institute is just one, for example)who work with a person's financial situation. Also, churches offer free counseling. Many have grief support groups where he (and you) could be in a group setting to learn and help cope with grief. James River Assembly has this program and I know many people have been helped by it. But other churches have it as well.

By not getting the emotional help he needs this anger will only fester and grow. He doesn't have the maturity to know what to do with it - he has to be taught. It's not his fault he's feeling it. Please seek out some help for you son. It sounds like he's hurting terribly.

My son went through a very emotional and rough patch from about 13 and a half through 14 as well and his father is still alive. I think it's just a hard age for them in general with all the changes taking place. My son was very emotional during that time. He was never violent but he did yell at me alot. We got through it just fine (he'll be 16 in a month) and he's great kid now.
I know you said that you can't afford counseling, but I think it would be a great benefit to him to help him deal with his father's death. There are resources available for people who can't afford to pay full price you may have to do some extra calling around but it would be well worth your time. I hope that helps.

My son's father passed away (after having been abusive to my son), and my son went through the same anger problems. Nothing I did helped--not even several rounds of therapy. I had the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on my door one day and offered Bible studies with my son. I arranged for the studies, and my son had a study with them once a week. Just a matter of months after my son's studies started, he started to change. My son has become a whole different person. Very polite, easy-going. I saw a complete transformation in him. I wish you well.

First of all my condolences on the loss of your husband. I am sure that he was very special to you and your SON. My Son is only 19 months old and we have been blessed with a beautiful child who is very well behaved. I do not know why the Lord blessed me because growing up my sister and I were often mean to our Mom. She was a single Mom and discipling us was nothing, we laughed at it. I often got in her face and yelled at her, I thru fits when she demanded I not date a 17 year old when I was 13. I was terrible to her. Now that I am grown and very close to my Mom I sometimes cry at the way i treated her and I tell her all of the time how sorry I am that I put her through it. Do you know Jesus? Is he your personal savior and your best friend? Give this to him with all of your heart, soul and mind and have faith that he will heal your Son and you too. (It sounds like you need a hug). Yes, I do think it is a combination of his age and losing his Dad...what a recipe for disaster. But, if it were me, I would try to be better friends with him. Maybe try to share some interests with him even if it doesn't suit you. What are his hobbies? Tell him you want to be best friends and you want to share some of his time.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. Also, maybe let him spread his wings a little more, he will think you are "cool" and will be more apt to trust you with his feelings. Good Luck and God Bless.
M.

Have you tried a local church youth group? Often they will have a youth pastor or other pastor who can do counseling for free. Also, they would often have a program (or if not a program, a volunteer) that can help your son to be around a good role model. It's hard to learn to be a man, and with everything that our society portrays as "manly," (ie. violence, sex, not having/showing emotions) I'm sure this is a really confusing time to try to navigate.
If you let me know what area you live in, I'd be happy to suggest a good church around your home.

Sounds like there is more going on then his fathers death.Check at school and see if he is having anger problems there, if not sit him down and have a talk with him and see if you can get to the bottom of his problem, be firm and let him know you are the boss but be supportave and let him know you love him and you want him to be honest with you and you really want to know what's going on.If he is having the same problem at school and he has never had this problem before then start .You did not say if he had a problem with anger before his dad died or if your husband had a similar problem.If it is not hereditory than you have a bigger problem than you know .Let me know how this turns out.

R., my heart goes out to you. You have the double-whammy of your son hitting puberty and all the turmoil and rebellion that goes with it, and his grieving over the loss of his dad. And on top of that, I'm sure you've got your own grief to deal with. It's sad, because at this time, you'd want your son to be a comfort to you, and vice versa, not in a constant battle state.

I have a couple of suggestions. First, if you're in Johnson County, the county has sliding scale counseling. Call the county's main number and ask them for their mental health agency number. A second idea is to call the Big Brothers organization and sign your son up for a Big Brother. A male influence might be helpful to him right now, and it would certainly be helpful to you to have another adult in his life in a positive way. A third idea is to encourage him to get a job. There are a few jobs available to kids his age (paper boy, bag boy at grocers, babysitting or afternoon aid in preschool, etc.). Only you know whether a job is a good idea right now for your son, but my troubled child got a real self-esteem boost when she took her first job. She learned some discipline (that she didn't want to learn from me), accomplished things, got praise and pay for it, and began feeling a lot better about herself.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck and let us know how things go.

Your sons counselor/social worker should be able to provide you with a free counseling service. There are people that can help you and him. Good luck.

I think a place called Provident Counseling in St. Louis offers sliding scale therapy. If they don't, ask them who does. Catholic Charities has counseling for individuals and families cheaper too, I think. Research on the internet. Also, ask at your son's school for referrals. I wish you luck. It's no fun seeing your child suffer.

There is lots of great advice here, time and effort is the key. Your school may be able to help and/or put you in touch with people in the community that can help at little or no cost.

your story is all too familiar to me. my cousin's son lost his father around the same age and started acting violently. my cousin felt the same way you did about how to discipline. well long story short, that boy is now serving his second sentence in a juvenile facility. i do not remember what his first stint there was for - but when he got out he came home and trashed their house, beat his mother and sisters up and stole the car - hence this second stay in the juvenile detention facility. i think you should get your son help sooner rather than later. there are professionals that deal with this on many levels. losing a loved one as an adult is hard enough, i cannot imagine what your poor son is goin through. the school counsellor should be able to refer you to affordable counselling - if not, i see you have received many recommendations on here. i wish you best of luck.

I have a 12 year old who argues, yells, etc. I'm not sure how bad your son is, but I think a lot of it is the age. Have you tried rewarding him for good behavior? Considering that he has had a rough 3 years and lots of punishments, I would sit down with him and tell him how much you love him and that you too are tired of the way things are. Tell him you want to start fresh and devise a plan where he gets his privileges back for not getting in trouble. Start w/ baby steps and some easy things so that he doesn't feel like he's never going to get his privileges back.

Most states have places that will provide free therapy to children who are experiencing grief & loss or some or on a sliding fee. You may also see if he has a social worker or counselor at school that can provide brief sessions to him at school. Not sure where you live, but in Kansas City Area it is called Solace House.

Yes your son needs help. Yes you can do counseling. Cathloic Family Services can and will help. No you do not have to be Catholic. They have a sliding scale for you cost. There are offices all over St Louis and St Louis. Call the main office at ###-###-####. No they will not try to convert you or most of the time even talk about God.
Good luck

instead of punishing, we switched to "positive rewards". This was at the recommendation of the school counselor. It's a very hard concept to implement, but I found it helped put me in a more positive mindframe. I found myself looking for the good & rewarding it...with a hug/a thank you/etc...& either overlooking the bad or joking about it (in a loving manner..as in "are you kidding me?" "are you really going to throw a fit?").
Another aspect which my husband & I had trouble agreeing with...was how to respond to outbursts of anger & our son's need to lash out physically. This was the hardest to overlook, but I kept reminding my husband that our son was actually feeding off of our anger. By not giving in to anger/frustration & not responding in kind, it was easier to avert the huge blowups.
See what the school counselor has to say, check with your church group, & good luck!

You are both at a delicate stage of life, compounded by your loss. He is entering the most stressful teen years with hormonal and social pressures. You are still mourning and probably peri-menopausal.
The time to deal with stress and anger is when neither of you are feeling the pressure. Sit down and talk, quietly, about your concersn. Tell him of the fears and social pressures that you had at his age. Of course, he is angry, both his Dad and his childhood left him at the same time.
I am not saying that your talks should duplicate the ones you would have had with your husband. Your son does not need that, but he does need to know that you respect and share his fears. Hitting him would be of no use, talking quietly together may be the answer. He may resist at first, but given time, he will see your need for peace, too.

I have recommended this to others but firmly believe it WORKS!! Go to Loveandlogic.com or real-families.org. Love & Logic has all kinds of resources available and real-families.org is a local organization that teaches it. We have attended the classes and I have also checked out a lot of the Love & Logic CD's from the library. The one I'm listening to now is about chores and how it helps in all areas of behavior. Check it out it sure won't hurt! Good luck!!

Hi R.. I am a juvenile corrections officer and have worked with troubled youth for the past 10 years. Parents call me up all the time wanting a 'scared straight' tour for their kids but I always try to get at the root of the problem first and I think you are right that it is a combination of his age and not having his father. Does he have any positive male role models in his life right now? If he has uncles or older cousins that you are comfortable having mentor him, set up times for them to go play basketball, or just hang out playing video games. He needs someone to talk to that he feels will not judge him. If there is no one, contact your local Big Brothers and Sisters program and set up a mentor for him. Do it soon before his behavior escalates and he does end up in the system-my community also have therapy available based on your income level so you may want to check into that as well in your community if you haven't already. Good luck to you and your son and God bless!

Dear R..

Your son needs some help, someone to talk to. May I suggest you talk with the counselors at his school, or talk to a pastor or youth leader at a church. They do not charge for counseling. Grief hits all of us differently, and he needs someone to help him through this. Some churches have group sessions with grief counseling which is so helpful. There are also books which may help you.

He must really be hurting, as all of you must be. Perhaps you and the rest of the family could sit down and really open up with each other about your feelings. A family session with a grief counselor might be helpful.

R.

I am also a widow with a son. Where I live we have groups to go to. I have one and my son another. He is probley angey. Look into the churches or ask your doctor about a support group. Ours is called Good Grief.

Hi R.,

Im sorry about your husband, your son is stuck in one of the grieveing stages "anger" sometimes his anger really isnt about you or things in his life its about loosing his dad. If you can get hime when he's in a good mood and just talk unconditionally about what he's feeling when all that anger comes dwelling up. Also, church would be good, there are some good ones in ST. Charles with great youth programs. Maybe learn alittle more about him from his friends, what they do that he seems really happy or what he may say to them. Maybe open the doors that his friends come over for dinner and let him hang out with them, just watch what he's like with them. If you have another male in your family that he could go do guy things with or one of his friends dad that he seems to connect with, you could even just talk with the dad about how your son is when he's at their house. Sports is a good way to get him to release some of his hurt, and anger.
There is also another group called Parents Without Partners, they have chapters all over the country and maybe you doing something for yourself and they include the family as well can help reconnect him with you.
Catholic Charities has a sliding scale counseling program, or talk to his school counselor about some resources or ideas.

Well good luck,and god's blessing on you and your family.
I attend Grace Church in Maryland Heights and they have alot of groups and a wonderful youth ministry might want to check them out.

Therapy would probably help, but is also quite expensive. There is an organization called CAPA that offers free therapy. The counselors are residents finishing up their schooling and were very helpful to my little girl. You may even be able to talk to the school and see if they have any recomendations or where you can go for help. Good Luck to you and God Bless