14 Yr Old Daughter "In Love" Help!

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, just try to keep an open mind and the communication positive. And give her the "protection talk", just in case. You can't prevent everything, but you can help her prevent some things. :}

I would just continue to talk to her about it. You're right, 14 year olds always have these type of "love" feelings and even talk about getting married! But as long as it's just talk and they aren't getting into any trouble, her school work still seems like it's staying up, she's still hanging out with her girl friends, etc. I wouldn't be concerned.

I would just keep doing what you are doing. Remember to trust her and keep talking to her. Let her know that she can come to you with any problem and she will stay open about the relationship with you. You are doing great so far so keep up the good work.

For my 14th birthday my mom and dad took me out to eat at a really fancy restaurant. We where all dressed up and I thought that was so cool. At the end of the meal my dad handed me a ring box. In it was a stearling sliver ring with a heart shaped black onyx in the middle of it, it was really neat looking. My parents explained that this was a covenant ring. They wanted to make a covenant between us and God that I wouldn't participate in pre-marital sex. I was a little embarressed, but also felt really loved at that moment that my parents where that interested in my social life. It may sound cheesy but let me tell you that ring stayed on my ring finger on my right hand until the day I got married, yep, all through high school, and college, and a few boyfriends,it served as a constant reminder of my vow to my mom and dad and to God, and on my wedding night I gave that ring to my husband as a symbol of what I had saved for just for him. On a really great note, he also had a covenant ring that he gave me. We now have both of them set aside for our son and daughter that we'll pass on when they are a little older. It's not as cheesy as it sounds. In fact the Jonas Brothers (Disney Band) all sport covenant rings as well as a symbol of saving themselves for marriage. (If your daughter listens to them, I bet she already knows that: ) Just a suggestion about a way to approach the subject of sex and boys and your standards and expectations in her relationship now and the ones that are to come.

Let God be your guide.

Dear K. this too will pass when the next one comes along! Breathe! I am 32 and just about every boyfriend I had from 13 on loved me and we were going to get married. It is very real to her but there will be more.It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter for her to be telling you how her and her boyfriend feel about eachother. I could not tell my parents anything because I knew they would blow up. She's only 14 she will have many other boyfriends even though she thinks he's it forever. As far as the sex fear keep an eye on her don't let her date too early or go somewhere where she is going to be alone with him. There are alot of things kids their age can do with mom taging along. Let them go to the movies and wait in the lobby and have a snack with one of your friends, let them go bowling or skating or whatever in your town that is fun where there are people. Hope this helps.

GOOD LUCK, K.!

All you can do is hope and pray you have instilled enough values, self-respect, morals and spiritualism within her. These should aid her in making the correct decisions when the time comes. Then again, we never know! AT this age they tend become "know-it-alls" who think their parents have never lived through what they are living through at that moment. Parents become stupid in the eyes of the teen. They begin to self-express and believe they alone know what is best for them. Hormones are raging, confusion sets in bringing an array of other emotions some of which are not positive.
YOu can only pray, pray and pray some more for GOD to remain close to your baby girl. Mostly you must pray for the teen to ALLOW the Lord's Guidance to enter into her mind and heart. Pray that she will not block out all she's been taught.

And last but not least, keep the door of communication WIDE OPENED for her to feel able to come to you with whatever she wants or needs to discuss. Remain as calm as possible when answering her questions, should she admit to having any. Answer clearly, precisely what is asked and give nothing more. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY until you can pray no more...

God Bless You, K.. I've already been in your shoes 3 times with two sons and a daughter. Nothing is more frightening than when it is your baby girl! Mine turned out well by the Grace of GOD! AMEN to that nightmare being over.

i hope this helped in some small way.

denise maria

I also have a teenage daughter (16) and my best advice is that you need to have constant contact with your daughter and do not assume that she won't do something just because she says she won't do it. You do not know what is going through her mind. If you are the least bit suspicious of a certain behavior you should follow through and find out what is going on. We are very active in our church and youth group and so is our 16 year old daughter, we even went through True Love Waits with her. Last summer she boldly allowed a boy to climb into her bedroom window and had sex with him right under our noses. I was so shocked and disbelieving that I thought it was a joke. It wasn't. My husband and I never in a million years would have believed that she was capable of such a thing. Just don't assume anything. At fourteen, they have no clue what love is between a man and a woman. Bottom line is, the chances of them having a sexual relationship is good and you shouldn't leave them alone at all.
Keep yourself involved with all her friends and never let your guard down, at least until she is 18. Teenage girls are so unpredictable they don't even know what they feel, so they can't explain their feelings to their mom. James Dobson has a few books out about teenagers that are helpful. Raising a daughter is a very tough job. Enjoy the great moments but follow your instincts.

I understand that religion is an important part of your family but I think you should really try to find out if they are having sex; at that young age there is likely more than just emotional attachment for them to be that serious(speaking from experience)Sounds like she has a "promise ring" but that doesnt mean it will end up as marriage necessarily. The more you protest it the more exciting it will be for them; maybe she is just "testing the limits" with you. If you allow them to date at this age make them do it at church functions or as a group so they will tempted to engage in activities they shouldnt! GOOD LUCK!!

I have a 21 year old who started dating her boyfriend 2 months before she turned 15. First of all, they called it dating, however, they were not allowed to actually go anywhere alone until she turned 16. We had already established this rule before she met him. Since there was a whole year before they could actually go on a date alone, he spent alot of time at our house and she spent some time at his (when his parents were home). We took advantage of this time to talk to them often about sex and college and that individuals should wait until after marriage to have sex (that this is part of God's plan) and that we also believed that individuals should wait until after college to get married. While I think the "talks" embarrassed them, I think they listened. We also kept close tabs on them and talked often about not placing themselves in a position where the opportunity to have sex was even an option. He graduated from college in May, she will graduate in December and they are getting married in April.

I just tell you this story to encourage you that all can work out fine. I would just encourage you to stay VERY involved with their relationship. At 14, they really don't even know what it means to be in love, however, they think they do. I think they respect you being honest with them. We let them know our fears and the consequences of those fears if they allowed them to come true. I know it is sometimes uncomfortable to talk to kids about these things, however, I think it really helped that we talked to him too (not just her).

Good luck!

Hello K., I'm sorry I don't have any advise, but please forward me any you get... I have a 10 yr old.
Good Luck & God bless! C. C

I would be doing a lot of talking with her right now, about her future, and what she sees for herself. Don't harass her, but get into conversations. Try to guide her, to see the wisest way to do things. Point out where she is setting herself up to be hurt. I would not let her and her boyfriend go places alone together. They can see each other with other people around. Let her talk to people who ended up with someone other than their first love, in the hopes that she will take a hard look at this boy without rose colored glasses on, and realize that she has lots of time to look around. Even if she seems to reject what you have to say, some of it will penetrate. I have met many girls through a crisis pregnancy center who could have used a word of caution, or some intervention before they were plunged into a world of suffering. 14 year olds are not mature or wise. They need protection and lots of guidance.

My daughter is only six but she actually said to me a few months ago, "I just HAVE GOT to decide which boy I'm going to marry!" I can only imagine what lies ahead for me....
Anyway, about you - try not to worry K.. It sounds as though you've made your beliefs clear and I'm sure your daughter has picked more than enough from church. If you don't make a big deal out of it, she won't feel compelled by those teenage hormones to go against you. As a former rebel myself I can tell you that forbid the relationship will only make it seem more attractive. You have my prayers!

K.,
I went through the same thing with my daughter at 16. Seems as though the more you say against the situation the more it pushes them to that person. My advice would be to monitor the situation CLOSELY and ride it out. It won't last.

D. S.

Dear K. G,
I have a fifteen year old daughter that we have homeschooled since birth and recently a 16 year old boy whooooed her into a relationship. We had taught her not to date but, to wait for the right one. He was suppose to ask for her hand. Hopefully not at fifteen!!!! But, somewhere down the line. Well, her being taught this, she told him he would have to ask her dad and he did. We provided adult supervision where ever they were and had him over on occasion. He proved to be unfaithful so she saw the problems with dating right away. It hurts to find out they like someone else and usually boys that age don't know what they want. Some people do find each other young and never faulter from it. Some advice for you, is keep an open communication with your daughter, pray always and tell her that you trust her and know that she has been taught and she knows how to conduct herself and you believe in her. She already likes him and if you try to pull that away from her she could rebel. We do have our standards and if she breaks the rules she needs to know. Mostly pray because this is Gods work in her life, we're just the vessels He uses. Shalom, L.

You could have her youth pastor at your church talk to her or just have a talk to all of the youth about waiting. Sometimes coming from someone they look up to other than Mom and Dad, who know nothing (ha) is easier for them to listen to. I have two children, oldest 20 and youngest 13 going on 30, so I understand what you are going through.

Hey K., I would say that you should teach her what scripture says, what God says. Show her in God's word what He says are the blessing/curses for the obedience/sin. I really feel that we share with them our thoughts and why we dont want to seem them preg and stuff, but we need to share with them God's Truth. That is totally different then hearing all the things that mom doesn't want you to do ya know. Her purity is something special! That is God's gift to her for the mate He has for her. Is the boy a christian? I would ask her if she wants to be with someone who does not believe like she does. That should be important. I am just rambling, but those are just my unimportant thoughts!

T.

Hey K., I think that you are going about this in the right way. Unfortunatly we can't control everything our kids do but I would keep reminding her of all of the consequences that comes with having sex. You might seem like a broken record to her but when she is a mother herself she will know what you were doing. I would also tell her that its ok to feel this way but when your her age and in that time of life things change very fast. Most importantly is to not to let her feel like she can't talk to you. As long as she has that trust that she can come to you without feeling pressure I think she will be hearing your advice when its most important. Good Luck!

Wow! I thought you were talking about my daughter there for a minute. My daughter also is "in love" and has been given a ring by this 14 yr old boy. My husband is furious about the situation and tries to control everything that she does, even not letting her go to her girlfriends' houses just in case they let this boy come over. I am trying to be more open minded and give her a little space. I think that by keeping her from all contact with this boy will make her become sneaky and close down communications. That would be a mistake. I have allowed the boy to come over to our house a few times and watch movies or "hang out". They will sometimes jump on the trampoline, play video games, or just sit in the kitchen and talk. The fact that they are at my house makes me feel more comfortable because I am there to supervise them. I will not let her go out with him unsupervised. She did that once without me knowing, told me she was meeting some "friends" for a movie, and then we found out he was there. That is what made her Dad so furious. But she has told me that she feels like Dad is punishing her still, even though she has not tried that little stunt again. I have had several talks with her about why we are concerned, she is really smart and does well in school. She says she doesn't want to do anything to mess up her dream of becoming a writer. Anyway, my point is, that you keep the lines of communication open and try to let them see each other once in a while, but do it in a way that allows you to be in control of the situation. We watched the movie "Juno", which opened up lots of discussion about having sex at a young age and she says she doesn't want to be put in a situation like that. Keep talking to your daughter and I hope we both will make it through this, because I am sure "this will pass". I there for you, sister. Good luck to us both. D.

I know it will sound odd to get advice from me since my oldest is only 3, but I am a youth sponsor and a high school math teacher. It sounds like you have done everything right so far. You have raised her to know that abstinance is the way and the best thing you can do now is to trust her.

Trust me, I know that is hard to do, I do it every day with members of my youth group. It's much harder when you know that some of them are sexually involved and you cannot do anything because you are not the parent.

Now, as far as the relationship, I had a friend in HS who got a promice ring when she was a junior and he was a senior (I think those were the ages). There parents were all very supportive and the relationship broke up before she graduated. Place your faith in God and your trust in your daughter that you raised her right and that she will do what God has called her to do. I will be praying for you.

HI K., I to have a daughter that is turning 14 next week, and I know this age can be tough...My oldest daughter is 22 and my son 19, and I can clearly see a difference in this generation of girls compared to my older kids.....I love them all the same but THINGS HAVE CHANGED over the years....

Anyway, I can clearly understand your concern for your daughter,I would be having the same feelings you are at this point. I think the best thing to do is keep a close eye on things, and keep the lines of communication open (as much as you can with this age). I agree if you restrict her all together that could make the matter worse. I feel when and if you see the situation escalating more, then that is when you may need to intervene and tell her she needs to slow things way down....and then if that does not work, then you may have to put a stop to things, and work it through the best way you can. I would try and give her the benefit on her own, and make her feel that she is responsible, BUT that you are setting the tone for certain rules (like you said) and that if those are not followed then you will need to get more involved....I feel that she still needs to know that you and your husband are the parents and you set the rules that need to be respected. I am not saying she is not being respectful, but I know at this age if we give them an inch they take a mile. Also, is she involved in other interests?? I find that does help to distract my daughter, from some of the BOY"S interest....She is on the pom squad and in choir, and I am glad because it is better when they have other interests,,,,,You and your husband might want to think about getting her involved with some other things.....

I know this is a tough situatuon, but as long as she is aware of the rulesand what as parents you expect from her,itwill straighten itself out on its own.....

Good luck, and please let me know what happens....My personal email address is ____@____.com If you would like to email me directly that would be great....maybe we can be of support to one another since we have girls the same age...Hope to hear from you soon....J.

My 13 yr old daughter was " in love" with her long time friend. They met at the age of 4. Eventually they became very close. They became boyfriend and girlfriend. They dated for almost a year. On New Years Eve '07 we received a tragic call. He had died from viral meningitis. It was very hard to tell my daughter her best friend was gone. She went through 5 months of counceling. It was a very hard time for all of us. She talked about suicide, she was picked on at school, " What you gonna do, your friend ain't here to protect you anymore?", She thought she was gay, she questioned her faith, she got into a fight at school, she missed an enormous amount of school. It was a big strain on all of us.
She was never alone with her boyfriend. We would bring them wherever they went. There was always a chaperone. The most they ever did was kiss. He was her first true love. I believe she has become a much stronger person, having gone through this. As a family we are definately closer. God brought us through a very horrible time in our lives.
We are a family of faith and are very close. I would just be sure your daughter is chaperoned. Have faith in her but stay close by.

Hello K. I have a 16yr old and a 12yr old. Both have had people they liked. That you can't control. Neither have been allowed to date. The 16 year old is just now being able to date. The choices they make right now can affect so much. Hopefully you are lucky and sex is out of the question. My children have been raised up in church and been taught sex is not until marriage. Their walk with Jesus is important so saving their self till marriage is also important. Marriage is serious as you know so ask her if she is ready for a full time job responsibility of a home and all that comes with it. I would not give the time to be alone because every child says I want have sex. Then time alone guess what has happened. She is so young and really needs to take the time to figure out who she is,because she hasn't had the time to even know who she is or what she wants. At that age a month can change everything. Get her envolved in other things. My church offers alot of things for our youth class that keeps them really busy. See what your church offers. If it doesn't offer anything find something else to get her envolved in that doesn't envolve this guy. My prayers are with you. Remember to always be willing to listen and not just say no I don't want to hear it. Stand your ground and stick w/your belief. Just watch how you come across because if your not carefull you could push her in directions you don't want to go in. that is at a age that is good at rebelling if you are not carefull.

K. I'm 21 and at 14 I think most girls think they are in love but it is usually just a crush. I would continue to talk to her about sex and the consequences that can come because of it. Otherwise I don't see much problem with her having a crush. Just make your rules and points known. I have a 1 wk old and can't imagine what I will do when she hits that stage other than to make rules clear. I wish you luck.

K.,
I am going through the same thing only it is my 14 yr. old son. He is "in love". It has caused some serious battles with him and me and my husband. One thing that has helped is we befriended her mom. So, we kind of tag-teamed with each other. My husband has had the "straight-up" sex talk with him already and he knows the consequences. We are very strong in our faith and have tried to instill that into all of our children. Now, we just have to trust that what we have done is enough for him to make the right choices... and lots of PRAYER.

I try to remember myself as a teenager and I too fell hard for actually my husband now, but I was older. It seems my son is doing everything so much earlier. Times are different now, I guess. Oh, about the ring...he wants to give her one, but we said he has to wait until he is 16. That's when his dad gave me one. That seemed to help for the moment.

I hope all goes well.

I am glad you remember how felt towards a boy when you were that age yourself. We do our best when it comes to nurturing and teaching our kids to distinguish right from wrong.
A teenager is trying to figure out who they are and what role they play in this crazy world. Hormones, feelings and thought don't really make it any easier.
The first thing you have to realize is that if you have decided to allow them so see each other there needs to be supervision. You are not her watch dog but you are making sure they don't get into any kind of trouble. Go to the library and/or bookstore and look for books on dating, relationships, love, and sex written for teens and pre-teens.
She has to realize that every action has a consecuence.
She also has to learn that in our lifetime we will meet a LOT of people and we will fall in and out of love more than once and we will have our heart broken more than once.I went as far as planning and designing my wedding at 14 but I don't really remember his name...
Regarding the ring... Well they are young...Where did he get the $$$. Are his parents involved and sharing your worries?

As a parent who has raised 2 children, 36 and 29 now and also am a certified trainer for parenting workshops and have conducted many many sessions for parents, I would just say that the main thing is to keep the lines of communication open between you. Let her talk about what is going on and LISTEN. I would also have a family meeting with you, her and her father. Have this subject as an agenda item and discuss the parameters,expectations, consequences, etc. know what she is doing by being an active part of her life at home. If you would like, you can go to my website and download a free copy of the "Family Meeting Notebook" that Phyl and and put together several years ago. Hope this is of some help.
D.

Give her a copy of 10 stupid things women do, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. May seem silly, but it's right on the money about women making good decisions for themselves and not losing themselves to make someone happy. Read it first if you like. She is at a really important time in her life where she could be faced with some life changing decisions. It would be good for her to look at things in an adult way even though she is a teenager. She could be faced with some adult decisions. It would help for her focus to change to "her" instead of him. She needs to know (and may already) what is good for her future and that young women change what they want a lot between her age and 25. I am guessing like most 14 year olds, she thinks she knows now, what she wants for her future. I would also suggest you get her a project or something to keep her busy. A 14 yr. old in love with too much time on her hands is not a good mix. I am sure she is a bright and sweet girl and a good girl, but still a 14 yr. old girl. I would caution her from cutting herself off from girlfriends to spend too much time with him. Not good for her. She needs (and may have)a life outside of him. If the focus is more on her than him, you might have better luck redirecting her. Maybe you and she can do something together or she could volunteer somewhere. I would make sure she is closely supervised without smothering her. Let him know he is welcome, but has to adhere to your rules-supervision and group activities only. Too young to go on dates. Good luck. Probably will fizzle out in the next few months. How many people do you know that married their boyfriend that they were with at 14?

This is as normal as it can be and I would try not to overreact. You are rearing her the correct way and are sharing your values. Most kids of this age "Go Out" but don't really go anywhere.
Try to relax and see this as a normal part of her development.

I don't have the 14 yr old daughter, I was the 14 yr old daughter. I would suggest speaking with the boys parents as well to make sure you are on the same page. I would also sit the kids down together and address the situation.

They may not be in love the way you see love, but I am certain they have very strong emotional ties to each other.

I would talk to them both about what you expect from them as far as sex is concerned. Let them know all the different ways diseases can be transmitted and the risks of premarital sex. I also think it is unfair to expect kids to wait until they are married. I agree it would be the best thing, but you also have to see how rare that is anymore. Let them know that if sex ever does become an interest they need to speak with you first, so if above all else you can help keep them protected as best as possible.

I made it to 15, and I truly did love the boy. I wish I had waited, but that is only because now I am in a relationship that shows me it would have been worth it.

Don't forbid her relationship and don't tell her she is not in love. There is nothing worse than having someone tell you that how is feel isn't real. They feel what they feel, whether parents like it or not.

K.

How could she get that involved with a boy at 14? Does she already date? What kind of ring are you talking about?

I have a daughter going on 13. She can like whoever she wants at school, but that is as far as it goes. She is allowed to go to school dances, I take, I pick her up. She does not e-mail or talk on the phone with boys. She just knows and respects the rules. Why was she allowed to accept a ring at her age? She should barely be into High School. She is not old enough to date, much less , get married. As parents we set the ground rules, not our children. This is why so many kids get into trouble at young ages. Too much freedom at too young an age.

If it were me, she would give the ring back, and go from there. She has not even begun to live her life yet. She will have her heart broken many times, before she is ready for marriage. That is part of growing up.

Good Luck
S.

You need to remember that the more you push her to seperate from him, the more sneaky she will become with her relationship. I personally think that being open and honest with her and teaching her what is right and what it wrong is the only way to deal with this. If you have a great relationship with her and have taught her morals, then that is the way to go. If you force her away from this young man, then they will find ways to be together with out you knowing. As long as you have taught her, then that is all you can do. You can't be there 24/7 while she makes her decisions. Just my .02. Speaking from my past!

I fell in love at 14 and we dated all the way up until i was 19 and eventually broke it off, but we still had those fellings for each other until about 20 or so. I would not make her stop seeing him all together because you have to remember that is the rebellious age, what momma says not to do i'm going to do anyway (that's the mindset). Just make sure you are firm with your rules but not overbearing and seem like you are trying to control her every move. Make her prove to you that she can be trusted by setting curfews and when she abides by them she gets to do a little more. But as far as my relationship went he could only come to my house ( his mom let him do whatever) and i could only go on dates with him after i was a junior in high school and still had a curfew of 11pm. So remain firm but not too tough! Good luck!

K., it sounds like you have instilled in her the proper values. Keep talking, as she's getting older talk to her about the emotion that goes into having sex. Remind her that it is not what the Lord would want for her. We have 2 sons, both raised the same with the same values. One became sexually active in high school (i found out much later of course) and the other is 21 and still isn't sexually active. There will come a time when they have to make those decisions for themselves. I know that's a bummer but it's fact. Just continue to keep her in the church, hopefully with a good youth group that teaches abstenance and keep talking. Ask her accountability questions and keep the rules in place. But at some point she will make her own calls. Good luck. R.