Forgive me, this is going to be a somewhat long post with lots of information! But I want another's take on it...
When me and my fiance first got pregnant we were living with my MIL & FIL, up until my daughter was a little over a year old until we bought a house right down the street from them. So, you can imagine, my daughter got very attached to both of them and they are great grandparents. With that said, my MIL & FIL have been together over 18 years, and they just recently split up. There was no warning, no fighting, just one day she caught him talking to another woman who lives in Canada (we live in fl) that he has known for 35 years and they got back in touch. Turns out he was in love with this woman when they were like 16, and havent talked to each other since then up until 6 months ago. Long story short, he ended up moving out and renting a room from a friend. He would still come over and see my daughter and visit with her (and i just had another baby 3 1/2 months ago) a couple times a week. But now, for the last two months, he has only seen her two times. Yesterday we found out that the lady he was talking to moved down here and they got a place together. Now, i am upset for my MIL, cuz i know she is completely broken-hearted, but i am more upset for my daughter... because now that he has this woman living with him, he has completely forgotten about my daughter. The last time he came over it was for 15 minutes and when he left my DD completely broke down (she is 2). It was the saddest thing ever.. totally broke my heart, cuz i know how much she misses him. She has been so used to seeing him a lot and for long periods, but visits are rare and short now. It has also been about 3 weeks since he has come over, and i am getting to the point that if he doesnt show his face in the next couple weeks, i want to call him and just tell him dont even bother. And thats not to spite him, i just dont think that if he isn't going to come around for a month or two at a time,its not fair to my DD. She doesn't understand why she went from seeing him all the time to never, and he only comes around when he feels like it. It would be one thing if he came to see her once a month and actually spent a good amount of time with her, but it's usually no longer than an hour or so. Not to mention, i cant count on him to keep that up, and then it leaves me to deal with HER little broken heart when she talks about him. She thinks he still lives across the street and just doesnt come to see her, and I have to explain that he doesnt. What would u do? Would u keep your mouth shut and leave it alone or tell him to either come visit or not at all? Just pisses me off knowing the only reason he doesn't is cause of a woman. Never ever in a million years did i think he would do this to his granddaughter.
Honestly, I feel worse for your MIL than for your daughter. I would just let your daughter spend lots of time with your MIL. If your FIL comes around, fine. If not, you can't force him. I would have NOTHING to do with the new gal!
Take the high road. Simply tell her grandpa moved away and has new friends but he will come to see her as much as he can. Thankfully she is still too young to remember the close times (both fortunate and unfortunate).
Also don't judge too harshly. Their marriage had to be having it's problems for years for him to re-connect with this woman and then to move out to be with her. I recommend being loving to both of them. Believe me there had to be something going on for this to happen.
In 1999 my Mom filed for a divorce she was 84 and they had been married for 58 yrs. My dad had always been an emotional and verbal abuser and a drinker. But when my brother was killed in a car accident, in 1995, he got so much worse. Long story but he attacked my son, then me then my Mom, we filed a police report and he was arrested. My family still blames me for this. I never got a call that said 'are you okay' -- I got calls saying 'how dare you'. Even the aunts, uncles and some cousins on my mom's side believed it was all my fault. My Mom passed in December 2011 and my Mom's sister would not go to her funeral because I was going to be there.
When you lay blame and judge without hearing both sides of the story hurt feelings happen and may never heal. Get FIL's side of the story. But also be loving to MIL. Let them both know they are family and are welcome to visit and be a part of your lives.
You live very close to your MIL. I imagine it's not your daughter he is avoiding, it's her. He probably feels some guilt and shame. He probably senses you are upset with him (and sounds like rightfully so). I would talk to him about your daughter's feelings. Maybe offer to meet him somewhere. Let him know that although everyone is upset and out of sorts, his granddaughter misses him and loves him.
I'd stay out of it. She WILL start to forget him and get over it, if he isn't coming around as much.
Part of her big reaction is just her age. Toddlers just get way emotional when familiar things aren't around. She'll be fine. And she's probably not as upset as you may think. In time, she'll start to set her attentions on someone else or other things and soon he'll not be so important to her.
It's his loss...not hers.
As for the divorce. Very sad. But you can't do anything about that either. Life must go on, and it isn't prudent to let other people's personal problems affect your home life. They are her grandparents, yes. Let them continue their relationships with her, unless their behavior or lifestyle is too toxic or dangerous for your daughter's wellbeing. You're the mom. You know what's best.
I think you are reading way too much into your daughter's reactions. She's two, she could be inconsolable if her favorite stuffed animal turned up missing. My inlaws lived several states away but visited frequently and talked to my son on the phone frequently the first two years of his life. MIL left FIL when my son was 19 mos old and we didn't see her for 6 months and then sporadically for the next 1 1/2 years. Ds adored MIL. We talked to him about her, showed him lots of pictures, and when he saw her again he was fine. He cried when she left, but he cried when anyone he loved left even if it was just to go to the store, that's what 2 year olds do. Just keep explaining that he doesn't live nearby anymore but he loves her very much and will visit when he can. If you cut him off you will regret it, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
My in-laws live in another state but we visit about every 3 months or so and my 3 y/o talks like we ALWAYS see them and is very attached so I call often. Even if you don’t agree with what is going on just shield her as much as possible. Be upbeat when he does make an effort, even if for 15 min, this way your feelings don’t rub off on your little ones. Be positive when she ask about him Good Luck
The same thing happened to me. You need to tell your fil how you guys are feeling, or have your hubby talk to him. Otherwise he is going to choose a woman over his grandchildren. It happened to my son with his bio dads father. good luck
Things change and children adapt. The biggest thing that will hurt her is you not being honest with her. You need to tell her things have changed and this is the new normal, she will adapt. When you keep up this idea that things can change back if keeps her from adapting because she doesn't realize she needs to.
My inlaws live 10 minutes away, are still married and are so caught up in their own little world of INactivity, that they can easily go a month without seeing our son.
It's been that way since he was an infant.
At least your FIL has "something" (a reason, excuse, activity, interest).
Here's the thing. I don't think it's right for you to "ban" him.
What I would do and have done myself? Invite him. Mention that your child misses him. The, yes, you DO need to deal with her broken little heart. Tell her simply that Pap's busy, Pap has lots to do, Hopefully we'll see Pap again soon, Pap loves you.
Basically, this is the scenario you'll use for LOTS of other "situations" along life's way.
Are you sure he doesn't feel sheepish about going to your MILs house to see her? Does he come to your house? Is his new girlfriend welcome at your house as well? Have you & your husband discussed the ENTIRE situation with him?
You have to make sure it's not a case of "he wants to, but thinks you're all mad at him" because then it's an apples-to-oranges situation and your daughter is the collateral damage of lack of communication.
Good luck!
Well, if I was you I would call him and talk to him about this. He may not want to come too often trying to avoid seeing his ex-wife. He may also feel bad about having someone else right now that he knows you guys are probably not going to approve of.
So, sit down with your baby and let her know that grandpa moved out and lives a little far away and it is not that easy to come see her as he used to, but make sure that she can call him and talk to him when she misses him.
It is not your daughter's fault that they broke up, and she souldn't suffer because of it; but remember that there is your MIL in the middle and she may not want to see him either.
Adult's problems are not the child's problem and eventhough they are no longer together, they need to keep in touch with the rest of the family.
If you don't call him and tell him how your daughter is feeling and how much she misses him, he may not even take notice to it. He is a man after all and they think and act much differently than us.
Don't make their problem yours, just call him and invite him over so you can talk with him and your daughter can get to spend some time with him as well.
Blessings
I would just explain to your daughter that her grandpa doesn't live across the street anymore, and that it's harder for him to come see her now. I would also talk to your FIL and let him know that your daughter misses him. Maybe make plans for the two of them to meet somewhere that is NOT across the street from your MIL.
There are lots of people involved in this scenario, and it sucks that your daughter has to suffer because of it. However, given that your FIL has made his decision, I think you have to either let him go completely, or work with him to let him be able to see your daughter more. I'm sure he feels some guilt/judgement, and you have to sort out how you feel about it (and what you want your daughter to know).
Also, maybe this is just a "phase" for your FIL? Would you regret cutting him out of your daughter's life completely if it was...or even if it wasn't?
You need to relax and stop adopting your MIL's feelings of betrayal. Things in life change, your daughter will adapt and understand as she gets older.
To me it sounds like you are in punishment mode because of the situation of how this came about... imagine he would have moved a state away for work and only came around once a month... it would be all the same to your DD, she'd still be heartbroken everytime he leaves but you would simply explain to her that he had to move away and will be back to see her another time, right!?
You can talk to him about coming for a longer visit and I think it is reasonable to expect that he keeps his commitment when he says that he will come - but otherwise I would suggest you do what you can to keep this nasty situation apart from his grandfather/granddaughter relationship and also from your relationship with your FIL.
Good luck.
What I would do is not penalize your FIL for being human and finding love. You never know how or where you find it, but it's uncontrollable. With that said, I believe what's most important is to remind your daughter how much her grandfather does love her, and to try to explain that he has moved. The worst thing that any person can do to a child is to turn her against anyone in the family. Always be positive and supportive and she will always respect you for it, especially when she is older and can make her own decisions on who she wants to continue her relationships with....I don't think that's for you to determine, he will always be her grandfather and I think it's unfair for you to be the one to sever the ties when it is essentially their relationship. Let it be what it is. I'm sure he loves your daughter no less, but like I mentioned earlier, when new or re-newed love is involved, you can't fault someone for where or with whom they find happiness. These situations can be hard to deal with, but with proper communication, and a different perspective on the situation, i feel that you can successfully work it with love and understanding. Just change your perspective. Your FIL may feel that he's getting up in age, and may want to make the very best of his years to come. Everyone has their own lives to live. Respect his choice to live his the way he wants too....all the while keep in mind that he has not lost love for you or your daughter, so don't lose yours for him. He's the same person... just wants happiness like we all do.
Best of luck!
C.
