In-laws Stop by Constantly, Without Calling

I had a friend tell me this story, could be real could be weblore. A young man's mom would stop by unannounced all the time. One morning he and his wife were having breakfast and they saw her car pull into the drive. He said "I'm putting a stop to this once and for all." He stood up, stripped naked, met mom at the door and said "Now's not a good time, Mom." She always called first after that.

Not a suggestion. Just something to lighten the situation.

Hi A.,

Welcome to the Deb Barone Club, I must be its founding member. (I even lived w/ the in-laws while our home was being built, can you imagine?!)

When it was just me and my first baby girl at home, and MIL would habitually drop by, if it wasn't a good time I'd simply not answer the door (while covering sweetie's ears so the doorbell wouldn't wake her!)

Now, really like Deb Barone, it's Big Sis and the twins...I'm a little more relaxed b/c FIL is now retired and that means extra free babysitting. Yeah, they often drop by at dinnertime, get the toddlers all excited that they stop eating, then get upset when they leave after their 5min visit....!!!!! You may not be able to teach old dogs new tricks.

BUT...a warm memory from my childhood that may help: After my grandma died, my mom cooked dinner for her dad every Mon. So it became a consistent part of my life knowing Grandpa would be at the head of the table (while Dad would be watching the news!) most Mondays, as a grade schooler, in high school meeting my boyfriend, then that boyfriend became my husband, then we'd all eat dinner w/ Grandpa so he could see his great granddaughter. I am still sad that I lost my Grandma when I was only 8, but I treasure all those Mondays w/ Grandpa.

It'll take a lot of soul searching and deep breathing, but together you and hubby can work out a healthy solution that will benefit all, and bring healing.

Peace,
K.

YOU need to speak to the FIL and also MIL gradually and subtly, they still are vulnerable right now. Try to be as nice as possible and cordial as you can be. But remember do not do it in anger because I could hear from the tone of your letter when you said "MY life, MY house and MY family" that this is not just your life, your house and your family, it is our (meaning husband and children and yourself); OUR life, OUR house, and OUR family.

Lay down the law to the in-laws together. Boundaries are needed.
It doesn't mean you don't love them.
That way you can be a support to each other.

It mean you're grown with a family that have priorities and ways you like to have things done.
And thats OK!

Talk it over again with each other.
On separate sheets of paper, in separate rooms, right out what bothers you about this situation and what you would like to do about it.
Come together in an relaxing atmosphere and discuss each paper.

This will show how much you guys agree about the same thing and it will strengthen and encourage both of you.

Fli messed up. Now he's lonely. And he's stealing and monopolizing precious time and this "state" lingers well after he's left your house. Disturbing residue is left.

Both must respect you, family and home. They must call. Mil and Fil

You are not being selfish, but wise. Continual.

Husband will need to practice and learn well on changing the subject to more pleasant conversation. Perhaps, "Let's talk about other [positive] things now, Lil", would be a good start.

You and the girls stay around. It's your and the girls home as well. Don't leave.
Fil must talk about things that are suitable for the children to hear.
Remind him when he starts whining.."Oh, Fil, lets talk about something else. The girls are near."

You're never to old to learn. Especially when you have too. Well, Fil has too because he made a choice. Do his own laundry. Come to dinner at your house when invited otherwise cook or eat out. Get a best buddy to talk too.

You have more than enough to care for. And what you're caring for is your responsibility.
Fil is NOT your responsibility!

Now understand, because you and husband are "over-cooked" and "well done" with this situation, because of waiting to long to deal with it, (like we all do) when they do "call first" you probably still won't want them over.

Ideas: once a month you set up a day and time. Breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Girls birthday parties. Holiday dinners. Eat out; let them meet you there; drive themselves, etc.

Of course let them both understand you love them dearly.
And expect feelings to get a little hurt.
Time will be a friend to you I'm sure.
I wish you all the best
Kim~

Put him to work! Tell him that with you and husbands busy schedules you could sure use his help--give him jobs to do. Show him how to do laundry and then ask him to do your laundry while he is doing his, if you cook then ask your husband to wash while FIL dries--then they can talk in the kitchen and do something useful. Either it will be helpful or maybe he will get tired of it and quit coming over so often! Just thought I might throw out a different idea. i do think that most family problems would not be so difficult if people would be loving but firm with others.

Maybe you just need to approach your FIL yourself. This way you aren't making you husband do something he feels uncomfortable doing. You will also be taking away his guilt. Maybe when your FIL comes over without being invited or calling before he does it because he knows you will say no. He's probably lonely ands your husband is the only thing he has to hold onto the past. Have you tried making him a leftover plate to keep him fed the day after so maybe he won't be there the following day? Just tell him that you need to know when he's coming because you have family time planned with your kids and he needs to respect the boundaries you give? You barely get anytime alone with your kids and husband so any free time you have you want to yourself and not have to share with the IL's doing laundry for yet another person. If your husband doesn't agree with you then have him try doing his father's laundry. Stand your ground and don't back down!! Good luck with your situation and hopefully everything works out to where you can have some peaceful evenings with your family.

You need to set some boundries. If hubby won't confront them, then ask him if he minds if you do. Just simply state that you'd like some time with family and ask them to please call first. And, if they do not, don't let them in the door...just explain that it's not a good time and shut the door. Yes, they will resent it at first, but then, when they do call, do be sure you arrange a time for them to come over. If hubby brings up your father's visits, ask him to do the same..simply call before he comes.

Despite what is going on with your inlaws, you do have a right to your own family's time and space. Don't bring up any whys or anything....just keep focused on wanting to spend time with your family. Like I said, you'll probably get some resentment at first, but that could be why their marriage suffered and you'd like to keep yours intact.

I know it is so hard but you should say something to your FIL. Say it as nice as possible but say it. Its your life, your time, and your home. You need to set some boundaries now before it gets worse. Best of luck to you! J.

You AREN'T being selfish! This can DESTROY your marriage and family life if you don't set BOUNDARIES! Sit down with him and tell him your family is going to set aside a specific day or days as "NIGHT WITH GRANDPA". Make them special. Theme night, maybe play games, specific menu, etc. DONT allow the time turned into a therapy session. NOT FAIR to anyone! HE'S the one being selfish and inconsiderate!

I would ALSO suggest that your husband set aside one night a week or every other week to have dinner or lunch with him or whatever so that he can air his laundry.

Which brings me to that issue.......HOW RUDE to drop off your laundry and expect it to be done. If he wants to do laundry, he can do it himself. NOW.....you could however, suggest that if he wants his laundry done at your house, he can help DO the laundry - if that's okay with you. You COULD turn this into helping you AND possibly spending more time w/ kids playing games, etc. while he was doing laundry.

Bottom line......SET BOUNDARIES!!! He needs to respect YOUR time, space, house, family etc. Your husband should be backing you up on this. You're not trying to weed him out, just set boundaries for all of you! THAT'S healthy!

Wow, there are a lot of responses to this one already but I'm going with
1. It's not selfish and don't feel guilty, we all do enough of that.
2. I love the ideas throughout the advice of setting up days. I'm not sure exactly how to approach that without having "the talk" that I know none of us would want to have but if you could set up a day a week for each (MIL, FIL) then have your husband setup a day to go TO FIL - possibly with a meal from you to start you know like Lasagna or meatloaf or something that will last him a few days, then hopefully that will help tame him back and if it doesn't you will need to have that dreaded talk, "We've scheduled this time with you and we have other activities we have scheduled too, please call before you stop by unexpected." and the next time he does leave, even if you have dinner on the table, he'll get it.
3. I also love the setting up activities, play a game, or cards or watch a movie, whatever night with Grandpa, if that doesn't tame his conversation then leave the room, but maybe make a comment about it directed at your husband but blatant enough FIL gets the point. "I don't really want to girls to be confused anymore than they already are about your parents relationship maybe next time we can do something fun with Granpda instead."
4. I also want to back the reply that said your husband deserves kudos for standing by his parents and trying to be supportive even though he to is a little lost about how to handle their new status and how it is affecting his family. It does show you he would stand by you as well even if he didn't understand something you were doing. However if you have the talk you should be together presenting a united front, even if you do the talking and he's just there, he cannot interupt and back ils though.
5. You know when people write in to Dear Abby and then cut out the article and give it to the "offender" - you could print this and mail it to him? :-)
Good Luck.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and have a discussion with your husband and inlaws. I would suggest maybe picking one day a week where you invite your FIL to have dinner with you. This way he can still come, but you know when and are in control. You might also say to him kindly, I know you are struggling, but I find it difficult enough to do all the laundry my family generates. I would be happy to teach you how to do your own laundry, and when you come for dinner you can put in your load.

It has been my experience that although these conversations are not easy, if you have them in a loving manner (without your anger showing) that things usually turn out fine. This allows you to feel your opinions have value and you feel better because you have put your family's needs back in the forefront. Good luck!

I would not call you selfish at all! It is hard to balance a family and a job, especially with that many girls. I have four myself. I would sit down with mu husband one more time to explain my feelings, you and your children should really be his first priority. Family time is important. You should be really proud of yourself as a mom for making that time. So many people don't. Your husband needs to especially as a father to three young girls. He is their first example of what a husband and father should be and do for his family. When a man gets married he leaves behind his parents and becomes one with his wife. It is time to cut the cords! Try to compromise with your in-laws and invite them over once a month on a week-end or something. Let your FIL know that you have enough household chores of your own. Maybe offer to teach him how to do his own laundry, or suggest a good dry cleaners. Don't just give them brush off, but explain to them that you need your time and space as a family. My husband and I both come from divorced homes, and it is hard when both parties want to constantly talk about the other. It can be emotionally draining on the children. I finally had to put my foot down and tell my parents that i did not weant to hear anymore, and stop them every time they try to start a conversation like that. It took some time, but they finally got the picture. Good luck, and just remeber to do all of this with a loving attitude and it should work out for everyone.

God Bless!

Sounds like there's a couple of issues: Husband has trouble setting up boundaries with his parents, and you're not happy about it.

His parents are going through a rough time and I'm sure it's difficult on everybody but hopefully it won't last too long when they finally decide to move on with their lives. Try to be patient with the process.

It might be worthwhile to suggest to DH that instead of having them quit stopping by cold turkey, if FIL could wait until after dinner, maybe set a designated time. OR maybe DH could set up days/times to spend time with FIL - maybe DH could go over there after dinner or something.

Maybe FIL could watch the kids while you and DH go out? Might help distract him from being lonely?

Good luck!

I just wanted to say good luck to you. It does sound like your husband has to handle this since it is his parents. You don't want to be the one who comes between him and his parents. I would also speak to my parents, maybe explain the problem with the IL, and the need for everyone to call first. Might make it easier for your husband to then take his first step? Talking to and dealing with parents is never easy. We are taught not to talk back to our parents or be disrespectful. That can translate to being uncomfortable setting those needed boundaries.
R.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You can still love your parents and have boundaries. I highly recommend you read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. John Townsend. It teaches you how to set loving boundaries with your parents and other family members. I'm currently reading "boundaries with Teens" to learn how to get through those teen years in a loving way and keep my sanity. Best of luck to you.

C.

A., unfortunately no tried-and-true advice from me...just a TON of sympathy! Whoever says you are selfish is WAY off base. FIL needs to "grow up," and Husband needs to step up on that one. You should not tolerate supporting your FIL's laundry needs! That's expensive supplying him with detergent, water, softener, etc. for the last seven months plus dinner?! If your husband doesn't want to do the face-to-face, he needs to be in agreement when you say "Oh, you should have called because we're taking the girls to [the movies/mall/park/etc.] right after we grab something quick to eat. And do it EVERY time he stops. If he has a normal IQ, he should get it all by himself... good luck to you :)

I agree with Jennifer A's response. I don't think it's selfish of you -- quality time with just your immediate family is important, too! But it also seems as if your FIL is having trouble adjusting. Counseling may help. I think he just needs to see that there are other options for dealing with his grief. He could join a gym, or meet another single friend for coffee or a meal a couple times a week.

I also think your husband needs to help steer the conversation towards other things. Bring positives into the conversation. Eventually, your FIL will either start being interested in your kids & what's going on in your family, or he'll quit coming over b/c he can't complain the whole time that he's there.

Good luck. Your husband is in a tough situation, but that's what happens sometimes when you get married & start another life with other people.

Instead of venting, talk to your inlaws. Or better yet, have your husband do it. Don't "confront," discuss the problem. There may be some hurt feelings for a while, but you are all adults.

HI Maber. Well you have 2 options. 1 You need to say something to all parties (Your MIL, FIL and your own father). Say it nicely. PLease call before you come by and respect our dinner time as our family time. This may hurt your husband, but you have to decide what is best for your family.
2. You can just not answer the door during this time. That seems a little passive to me, but we did it. They were neighborhood kids that came by, but we just didn't answer the door. For us it was mostly the phone. My mom ( and family) used to call right at dinner time. So we stopped answering the phone. Now she calls at church time and I just make sure my phone is off. I know how disrespectful it is because they know what time it is and what this means to your family, but do it anyway.
As far as doing your FIL laundry...you need to stop. He is not a baby. Just because he was pampered for so long, doesn't mean you have to pick up where your MIL left off. Good Luck with all of it, but just speak up and hold your ground!

You poor thing.

You have a lot of responses, and I don't have time to read them all, but I just wanted to say a couple quick things that hopefully will be reiterated in all the responses you already got. One - you're not selfish. Your responsibility is to your family. You will make allowances and exceptions for people, choose to let them into your lives in time of need, even when it causes some struggle to you sometimes. However, you need to have healthy boundaries for your sake and for your family's. And not let others violate those. Also, to some extent, the continual violation is not REALLY helping your FIL the way that he needs help (in moving on, in dealing with the loss, the present and the future, rather than constantly going on about the past).

They need to respect your boundaries, your family, your family time. I think first step is communication in as low-key non-threatening an environment as you can establish, both with your husband and your FIL, in particular. Explain how you are feeling -- both that you want to support him but that you need some space, too. Also what topics are and are not appropriate to discuss in front of your children, how often he can stop by, at what times and under what circumstances -- like calling first. I wouldn't speak for your husband, just for yourself. Let your husband find his own words and his own avenue to express them.

I would recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I think it will help you, as it helped me in learning to deal with my own mother -- who was recently going through a divorce and moved in with us for a rather awful 6 months... I wanted to help but realized in the end, it was hurting me, my family AND my mother. I was doing far more enabling than helping, and I can see the long-standing emotional scars I bear from that 6 month experience...

I'm young still (27), know I have a lot to learn and, like I said, am bearing scars from a bad experience, but I hope my advice is sound and helpful and godly... and if it's not, please disregard! :) God bless, R.

A.!!! You are NOT selfish!
Just wanted to let you know that.
((HUGS))

Well you have a ton of responses, but I'll go ahead and put my two cents in too! I agree that you and hubby need to talk to FIL together. How you get hubby to do it is first sit down with your husband and your dad and have the same talk, even though your dad rarely stops by.
Fair is fair, and once you have the talk with your dad, perhaps the talk with your father in law will be easier. At least you'll have your husband on board with you.
Good luck.
You're not selfish at all. You should get to live in your home the way you want to live.

Wow! I can't believe someone had the balls to call you selfish! I don't think so at all. I don't care who it is, it's just plain rude to drop by without notice! That is one thing that irritates me the most. You never know what is going on the other side of the door. You are allowed your family time, or maybe you would even like to walk around naked or whatever the case may be. I would never do this to another person and I expect it not to happen to me, and if it does I will say something to whom ever it is! If your husband won't speak up maybe it's time you do. GL!

How about making it clear to your FIL that he is welcome a couple nights a week as long as he does NOT talk about MIL, and that you will NOT do his laundry.
Give him the name and phone# of a good laundry/dry cleaners.
I think that if you and hubby will NOT listen to his woes about MIL that he will soon be coming over less.
I would do the same with MIL as far as times are concerned.
You MUST insist on them phoning first.
Also, keep your doors locked and closed until they get the idea.
If they have keys, get your locks changed.
Show them that you are serious about this.
Everyone needs to move forward.
YOur family needs your privacy.

I don't think you are being selfish. You are not saying you don't want them there - you are saying you don't want to be dropped in on unannounced. My inlaws think this is okay also - and there is bad blood btwn me and them to start - and they even so much as dropped in on MY parents last week!! Your husband needs to address it w/ his father that it isn't that he doesn't want to see him, but that he needs to call first to make sure it's a good time b/c you guys may have plans or the kids might be upset and it's not a good time for company. That approach might help more than the "i don't have alone time w/ my wife at dinner" b/c his dad might be hurt by that (read - we don't want you there). If he makes it that you guys do want to see him but to call first in case it's a bad time, your husband will be more able to give your father individualized attention and you can plan to take your kids somewhere fun/etc.

Hi A.!, My inlaws do that too, but not to that extreme. I would just pretend you're not home even if they can see your vehicles. Lock the doors and don't answer. When they question it just tell them you don't know what happened, but maybe they should call first to make sure you're prepared for company or home. Maybe just being honest would be a good approach. Explain that you love them and want to be there for them, but this is stressing you out. Good Luck N. L.

I understand your need for family time and how important that is. However, in your reach out to get help, you focus a lot on MY. In reality it should be OUR. Without the concept that it is you and your husbands decision to make you really are not going to get much accomplished out of the deal.

I understand that your FIL is grieving and maybe the son needs to point things out to him, but speaking from past experience my FIL always took things coming from me better than his own son. Sometimes we have a more sensitive way of saying things.

How about you and your husband sit down and lay down some ground rules for the family time. Then sit with each MIL and FIL and explain your concerns to them. Pick one night a week for each of them to join your family for dinner with the understanding that they are there to spend the evening as a family, not bringing up old history that is obviously not going to work out between the two of them. THis would allow the children, you and your husband to have quality family time and enjoy each others company. Especially when you know which night they will be visiting ahead of time.

A truthful son and daughter-in-law may be just what they family needs. But, you have to start by being truthful to one another as OUR instead of MY.

Hope this helps in your struggle. Best of luck to you.

S.

Whoever told you you are selfish is retarded and needs to learn about boundaries as much as your in-laws. You do have a right to spend time with your family and have advanced notice when people are coming to visit. I don't know what to tell you if your husband won't say anything, but maybe you could see a family counselor who could help you figure out just what to say? I agree, it's your husband's job to say something, you shouldn't have to do it. Hopefully a simple "Thanks for stopping by, but we are busy right now, could you call before coming by from now on?" is all it will take, but if it doesn't work, acting like you were on your way out the door and can't be held up a few times might get the point across.
If you don't mind paying for his detergent and water use, teach him how to do his own laundry. But, for god's sake, don't you do it! You have enough to do with 3 girls!!! lol

To start with, don't do his laundry. Tell him it's not your job or your husbands and he needs to get a machine and do his own. If you don't want to confront him and he continues to bring his dirty clothes over, ignore them. When he leaves, send his dirty laundry back home with him. He should get the hint. The direct approach is usually better though.

As for the uninvited visits, your husband is being unfair to your family and to your marriage. He needs to put his foot down with both his parents. If he doesn't, you may have to and tell him that is exactly what is going to happen.

In response to the responder who commented that you are being selfish, I disagree. It is selfish to constantly impose on a family's privacy and serenity by dropping by unannounced on a regular basis. And to expect your daughter-in-law (who already has a husband and three young children to care for) to be a surrogate wife is brazen!

Best of luck!

A.....It is time for you to speak up...don't get your husband involved in this. Tell him that you can no longer do his laundry.....You have already too much work....He can learn to go to the laundromat. Then I would say that he is going to have to limit his dinners with you, as that is the only time you and your husband have to "catch up" on things. Thirdly, you no longer want to hear about MIL..you know he is hurting, but it also hurts you to hear it all. Then make a time schedule when he can come for dinner...once a month? Good luck.....M. B.

Ouch that's a toughie! Sounds like your FIL is lonely now that he and his wife are divorced and that coming to your house to talk to your husband and seeing you all as a family makes him feel better. As tough as it is, you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him NOT to come around but, at the same time, I understand how you feel. I am not to thrilled with my FIL and MIL at all. Sorry I am not of much help. Your FIL to me just sounds lonely. Are there other siblings of your husbands? Maybe you all can get together on maybe inviting 'Dad' to dinner at different places during the week so he doesn't always end up at your house.

A. I don't think you are being disrespectful at all. I was raised that even family should call ahead. It's courteous. You husband should be backing you up. As far as FIL is concerned show him where the nearest eatery and coin operated wash is locates. Explain to your husband just how much this extra work is. My husband use to do the same thing with me and it was his brother. His brother was on again off agaion with his wife of 15 plus years after she found someone else she kicked him out and he went cross country for 5 years and 2 weeks turned into months. My huband was told the brother would not be given free laundry service, I now worked full time and it was very disrespectful not to have asked me before springing it on me. Well I missed him and saw no harm he stated. Well brother did not look for work at all for months. I sat the Sunday paper near where he slept to come home later in the day to see it was never touched. Never even looked for an apartment. How'd I get rid of him/ I told my husband, brother had to have an appartment and be gone or I was leaving and living at work. I was totally serious. We had to go out of town for intimate time. I simply refused to do it witth him there. Also he never once said tank you for letting me say or even thank you for dinner. Never did he buy dinner or even through in $5 for a pizza. He never even invited me to the new apartment which was just fine with me. Nn he lives out of state and so does his whole family which is fine with both of us. Do you think your inlaws are trying to cause tention with you and your husband. My mil did that when she got divorced. She has been married 4 times twice to the same man and it didn't work. She did that with us and I had to point out to my husband several times it was in his vows we are a family we left our parents and he should honor me. He now understands. Good luck put your foot down or deal with it. It will only get worse if you don't.
I forgot to say my oldest son is married and we use to live 3 houses down from the in my childhood home which we just lost to foreclosure. I call my DIL all the time and never popped in without making sure it was okay. She coms once a week on her way home and cleans our new house. Husband and I have bad health and cannot do much on our own.

A. - I don't feel you are being selfish. I have two girls and work full time. I'm blessed that all of my family is home together nights; so I realize how special that is. It sounds like your FIL really isn't able to function by himself. When I first read that he came over every other night at dinner time; I immediately thought that he is lonely and doesn't know how to cook for himself. Maybe if the next time he comes over your husband tries to steer the conversation towards more kid-friendly topics. Maybe at the dinner table he asks the kids how their day(s) were in while your FIL is there (sort of hint to him that your husband doesn't want to talk about that stuff ... especially in front of the kids). And have your husband keep redirectioning the conversations with the FIL. Like someone said earlier; maybe ask the FIL to spend some time with the kids and play with them ... that is an extra bonus b/c then you and your husband get a few moments to yourselves, together. I'm not sure if my suggestions help; but I wish you the best of luck! That is a hard one to deal with ... especially since your FIL and MIL are still family to you guys! GOOD LUCK! :)

You've gotten a lot of good advice. I don't agree that this "won't go on forever". As long as he's getting his laundry done, getting conversation with his son and feels that he has a new "home", there is not a lot of incentive for him to find someone else in his life.

First of all, why are YOU doing his laundry. If his son feels he needs help this way, he could do it for him or you could show your FIL how to do it so he gets the message. That needs to stop right now.

Having your husband steer the conversation to discussions about your children and other issues other than your MIL is great advice. But, your husband also needs to either talk to your FIL or write him a thoughtful letter about him coming over during dinner time. If he doesn't, this is going to continue to eat at your marriage and hurt your relationship.

A lot of times people don't feel comfortable confronting someone verbally and aren't good at choosing the right words. Writing a letter gives them a chance to think carefully about their words and other people (yourself perhaps?) can read the letter and offer suggestions so that it is strong and to the point while still being a loving caring message. It IS possible.

One final thought. The fact that your husband is willing to be there for his parents shows that he's the type of person who will be there for you and your children also. It's important to acknowledge to your husband that you recognize that he's trying to be a good son and that you admire how he supports family.

You're not selfish for standing up for your own needs. If you're unhappy and not being respected, it will influence how everyone, especially your children, feel about you and other women and how they should be treated. Is this how you want your daughters to feel it's acceptable to be treated? Respect is just as important as love in a family.

I don't think you're being selfish at all!!! Dismiss those remarks! Some people just don't know what it's like to have family who is disrespectful and intrudes on your family time.
Your husband has to man up and just tell his dad, look, you screwed up. I don't want to hear about the drama every day, it's the same thing over and over. You made your bed, now lie in it. He needs to be blunt and to the point. Sometimes beating around the bush about these things is harder because it just draws out the inevitable. Yeah, his feelings may be hurt, but he's a big boy. He'll get over it. Sometimes it's the adult children who have to put things into perspective for our parents. It sounds like this is one of these times. Then he needs to go to his mom and tell her the same thing. Call before you come over. Period. It's rude and it interrupts your family time. Have hubby remind her of when they were a starting out family and had people just drop in on them. How did they feel? Disrespected, most likely, and upset at it.
As for you doing FIL's chores, tell him again, he's a big boy. Show him how to do it a couple of times, then tell him he's on his own. He'll find a way to get it done himself. You have a family, you don't need to be doing someone else's chores for them, especially a grown male that can do it himself. It's time for him to grow up and move on. I wish you much luck on this.
I don't know what to tell you about your husband. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings, at the risk of hurtings yours. And that's not right. You should be a unified front on this. Approach them together, if he doesn't want to do it by himself. Let him know you have his back.

My grandparents used to stop by constantly. The more they came, and the more my parents didn't say anything, the more often they came. So . . . I disagree about it being a temporary thing with your FIL. I think you're easy pickens, and it's time your FIL found a support group and other people his own age to hang around. If it were me I'd start by saying he can come over on Thursdays (or whenever - wean him off a bit) to catch up, but your children need time with their father, especially with your busy lives now that school is starting up again. It may help to do a little research and find out groups in the area that he may be interested in so you can tell him: does he like dancing (my more mature girlfriend takes ballroom and I know they always need more men and it's just for fun), would he enjoy coaching little league or football?

You wouldn't be shutting "dear old dad" out, just giving him a nudge on his way to being his own man again. Same goes for your MIL too.

I'm sure it was very therapuetic for your FIL and MIL to come over at first, but I'll bet they'll be happier in the long run (though maybe irritated initially) having some new friends their own ages/similar interests.

And you DO deserve to have time with your own family, don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise!

A., I'd like to suggest that you talk with your family and set up certain days for visits. I can imagine with 3 children and working how busy your life is. I'd also have your husband go to your FIL 's house and show him how to work his washer and dryer. The idea of not responding when someone comes for a visit makes me wonder how your children will view it and how it willl affect them.

I want to respond to your question/request: that your in-laws are stopping by frequently without calling. One thing you could start doing is really LEAVING the house...saying "Oh, I wished you called first, we are just going out." After several trips of "missing" you, they will start calling. Of course, if FIL is coming specifically at dinner this will be hard.
After reading your request several times, it seems like other issues play into the problem - like his talking about divorce/MIL (I agree, inappropriate talk for children), frequency of visits, laundry, taking DH from family time. I do feel that this is temporary, especially since it started with the separation/divorce. HOWEVER, it probably will continue until he remarries since a lot of what he is coming over for is in areas a wife/family time could alleviate :-(
I sympathize with you completely! It also seems the key is talking to FIL - I can imagine how hard it would be for your husband! I think it appropriate to write a letter to cover issues--I ENCOURAGE YOU TO WORK ON THIS WITH HUBBY :-) For me, the most important thing would be to honor the children's grandparents!!! (your children are observing all that's going on and will love/appreciate you both for what you are doing) I know you love your FIL/MIL, and are feeling worn out! Perhaps you have tried:
- taking dinner to FIL 2-3 times per week
- including family/church/senior centers (if they are older-?)
- showing him how to use your washer/dryer --- as your WHOLE family leaves for family night out
- staying with them - DON'T "filter" out of room, leaving DH alone with FIL talking - plan a family activity/game which won't allow FIL time to talk about MIL, etc.
You have endured a lot - hang in there!
Prayer and thoughts will be with you...keep everyone posted on how things are going!

I don't think your being selfish at all. It sounds like the only way this will get resolved is if you pull your FIL to the side and speak with him about this. Which would be tough to do but at some point you have to stand up what you want. Good Luck!

By far whoever made the comment that you are being selfish is way out there. I would suggest talking to your inlaws yourself whether your husband likes it or not. Just tell them a phone call would be appreciated in advance so you know and you can let them know whether or not you will be available. As far as your dad goes that isn't too big of a deal because it is only once a month and not all the time. As far as doing his laundry etc. for him tell him he needs to start fending for himself because you have your own family to take care of. Let him know that you love and appreciate him but he is a grown man. As far as the talk goes with him about the mother in law tell him you wish to not discuss that with him. Let him know how you feel. Good luck.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

Dear A. Oh do I feel lucky. I have never had this problem but reading yours I just get furious. Maybe because my inlaw's were so wonderful that I just expect all to be that way and I know they aren't. I would definitely talk to the inlaw's and tell daddy in law that he is taking your family time and you would appreciate it if he would call before coming over and if he still doesn't abide then keep your door locked and then maybe he will finally realize what he is doing. Tell him he couldn't say anything nice about MIL while they were married so don't take your precious time with your family talking about what he made a mess of,tell him he made the bed now lie in it. I do wish you all the luck in the world because I am sure it will be very hard to tell FIL. Tell your husband first before doing this and just say if you don't tell him I am.
God Bless you "YOUR" decision. K.

A.,
I think you should definitaly talk to your ils and tell them how you feel. I just finished taking a course on how
to handle stress one of the things they talk about is tell
people exactly what you expect from them, of course you have
to do it in a nice way, which for me would be very hard to do
but when you tell them what you expect. they can not come back
an say, but you didn't tell me that. I hope I'm explaining it
right, I know I have to really work on that, I think I expect
people to just know what I'm thinking or feeling. I know you
don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but look what it is doing
to you. Resentment is not a good thing to be dealing with.
Maybe your fil doesn't realize that he is being sure a bother
to everyone. Hope I helped you some, and I hope you can get
things worked out.
Keep me posted.

K.

I wish I could offer some magic words. I am sorry that you have to go through this! It is very disruptive to your family.(and I certainly wouldn't do any of his laundry anymore!) He is a big boy..........he'll figure out the wash cycles, and the color sorting!
I understand how your husband feels stuck........but I can empathize with you and your situation.
Could you maybe set a night say twice a month for the FIL to come over for a planned visit and have dinner? Same with MIL?
Maybe that would give them a hint at planning?
Good Luck!

I think you should be grateful that they stop by at all. My parents live 6 miles away and stop by once a year. My in-laws live 7 miles away and stop by once a year. Talk to them and tell them how much you love having them around but that you would like to have a phone call first because you want to spend time with your family too.

This won't last forever. Being that they're family, and going through a really rough patch in their lives, it's a time really for you and your husband to be supportive to them. They wouldn't stop by if they didn't "NEED" to spend time with you guys. It may not feel like you're being selfish, but if you step back and look at this from an outsider's standpoint, you may realize that the best thing for you guys to do is to be there for them to listen and give advice and stop looking at it like they're interfering in your family time. Can you imagine being together for a really long time and having that constant companion and then having them be gone? It would be really hard to be by yourself. So, I'd say, if you really want family time, maybe pack a picnic and go to the park or something, but otherwise, just stay in the room with them. You can still have quality time with your husband when they're around. It doesn't have to be just the two of you in order for it to be family time. Sit next to your husband and hold hands or put your head on his shoulder. Talk with his parents along with him. That's spending time together. Ask his parent if they want to play a game with you guys and the kids, that's great time to spend together. Remember, they're family too, and if you and your husband were going through something hard, I'm sure they'd be there for you too.

It seems that family is very important to you, but it also seems that you are quick to forget that your in laws ARE family. Anyone in my family is welcom in my home at anytime. That is what family is all about...being there when someone needs you. My guess is that your in laws are probably having a difficult time with the divorce. They are probably lonely and just want to be around family. I personally would never tell them that they aren't welcome. I would maybe try and discuss the topic of conversation while they are there. I would also try and push some time with my children on them to help cheer them up and feel loved.

WOW! I think you should set boundaries with your in-laws as far as "kid-friendly" conversation and let FIL know that he may come join your entire family and visit with everyone, not just take his son off by himself for every visit. However, my own parents stop by, unannounced to our house, as well as my husband's step mother. He lost his father 11 yrs ago at the age of 55. Way too young to enjoy his grandchildren. I would understand your selfishness more if you were newlyweds, but you've been married for 10 yrs and you have older children who need their entire family, which includes extended. It sounds like you have a problem with your in-laws and that is sad. For you, your husband and your children. My husband and I have both lost immediate family members at young ages. The time we have with our loved ones is limited. Once they are gone, they're gone. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about a plan to keep everyone happy and have each other's backs. Good Luck.