When Is It Time to Fess Up?

My kids are 17 and 21 and if they ask me today, I still them I believe in Santa Claus. These holidays and character are ways of remember joy, peace, giving, celebration, and childhood.

I have always wanted my kids to "believe" for as long as possible. My oldest did not question if Santa or Easter Bunny is real until about 9. When he came to me and said a friend at school said there was no such thing as Santa. He wanted to know if there really is a Santa. I told him as long as I "believe" then there really is. No way am I going to question SANTA CLAUS!! I like to watch the movie Polar Express every year. It's an excellent way of explaining what it is like to "believe". Now he tells his little brother the same things I told him and that makes me proud!

I believe that 6 or 7 is too soon to reveal. My very bright son didn't really find out until age 10, and his 8yr old sister is still a firm believer. They will learn soon enough. She has friends that have put doubt in her mind, but is still holding on to the magic. When my son finally asked me at age 10, I realized it was time to be truthful. He was a little devastated. I simply said, is it the fun of getting the gifts from Santa, or just the fun of getting gifts? Is is any less exciting knowing that they came from us? Then he agreed, and was fine with it. He loves knowing a secret that his sister doesn't.

I don't think letting your children "believe" in something that almost every single other kid in existence has at one time or another believed in is lying. That is just odd to even hear it. To say that it teaches our kids to lie is just taking it too far.

My son is 15 and I STILL wrap presents in special paper, sign with my left hand and wait until he goes to bed to put them out. As long as I "believe" in Santa, I am sure he will. I expect him to do the same for my grandkids one day. And I WON'T think he is a liar for it!

Hi. My daughter heard it at school about Santa not being real. she came home from school and asked us about it. So my husband and i took her and our older son and told them the truth. Funny thing is our older son who is 3 years older than our daughter didn't believe us! Our daughter took it well. A couple of days later, our son was fine. He had a few days to think about it and realize that what the Easter Bunny, Santa, etc. "do" couldn't get done as he believed. Anyway all is well.

I agree! Let him live the dream as long as possible. Our son is 8 1/2 and in 2nd grade. I had heard that 2nd grade was THE year for it all to come out in the open. but so far, it hasn't. If he asks, I would say, "well, what do YOU think?" If he says he believes, then leave it at that. But yes, it will probably be that one little sh!# at school that ruins it for him. Not much you can do about that.

You mean they aren't real!? =)
Our Mom never told us they weren't real. We just figured it out but never dared to say anything! The rule in our family has always been that the big holiday for gifts from family was your birthday. You get 4 gifts on Christmas; one toy and one gift each representing gold, frankiscence and myrhh....since it wasn't our birthday. Anything else came from Santa. If you don't "believe" in Santa then you don't get the other presents! Same holds true with Easter. They get a small basket with an outfit, a small toy and some candy. We don't make a big deal about the Easter Bunny or Santa but instead focus on the life and death of Christ.
I don't feel that we are lyng to our children in any way whatsoever nor did I ever feel lied to. To this day, if I were to say to my Dad that I didn't believe in Santa then I wouldn't get any Christmas presents! It's fun for us as adults too!
I wouldn't worry about it. It's just good, cean fun.

R., I would love to know the answer to that question. Please let me know what you learn. I have a 9 turning 10 still believing yet his friends state there's no such "characters" as those in front of him and his younger brother who's 4. I've been feeling the same way and questioning just as you are. Please let me know what you learn!
Good luck!

-J. M.
www.themomteam.com/mom2
HELPING Moms Stay Home!

R.,
I have 3 kids, 14, 11, and 7. My 7 year old still beleives in all of those things. Let him keep believing! When he gets older he will start asking, when he does, tell him the truth.
That is your sign he is ready. My older ones asked one thing at different times, and they were fine. To be honest, by the time they asked me they said they had already figuired it probably wasn't true and they were not broken hearted. In fact, my 14 year old enjoys taking part in slipping money under her brothers pillow. And they all still look forward to seeing what "Santa" has left (their one gift only from him) under the tree!
He wont be damaged for life I promise.
D.

R.
Let him believe as long as you can. The Easter bunny and Santa still leave gifts for my grown kids along with the little ones. With my girls around 9 or so they start questioning but with my girls they didn't want to admit they knew so they would still get surprise presents. My girls always said there must be a Santa because I could never afford all of the stuff he brings.
Just relax and enjoy them while they are little and let him be a kid. if the kids at school start saying stuff to him just tell him they probably don't get as much from Santa because they don't believe.

R.,
I waited until my kids asked me if the charaters were real and told them they weren't but wasn't it so much fun to pretend they were. They know it's me or my husband that does everthing but we still pretend that the charateers do them.

I say let him believe in it, you will know when he is ready to know.

My son never really believed in the Easter Bunny, this was something he just couldn't grasp in his mind.

Around the age of 5 1/2 , he started to question everything and I couldn't keep lying to him about something he knew wasn't real. I really think he started to question it before that but he was scared if he didn't believe, then he wouldn't get anything.

He's six and knows the truth. I've also explained to him that each kid needs to find out from their mommy/daddy when they are ready.

Since your asking~Just be honest and tell them that they are pretend. You can still have fun w/ the whole thing. Ex/ I'm sure they know that Spiderman and Batman, Hulk are all made up characters, but they still like them and "pretend" that they are real! Do the same with all of the "other" characters-let them know that they are just pretend but still play the whole "role" of the characters. Come time for the toothfairy, just pretend that "she" really came,even though they know it's you. Same for Santa/Easter bunny/etc. etc. You will not be "lying" to them and they will respect you for that. It sure does save you the hassle of coming up with what to say when they start to "ask".
We have 5 kids and tell them they are pretend but we also have told them not to tell other children out of respect,just in case they believe, because it's not their place to do so.

Let nature take its course---I am 75 years old, and still remember defending that, "Yes, there is too a Santa Claus! I have proof, he left me a note!". "Oh, that was just your dad!" "Twas not!" That was in the first and second grade, but I gradually caught on that it WAS my daddy, but I then admired my daddy for caring enough about me as a little girl, to take the time to write me a note, explaining why I didn't receive a doll that year for Christmas--"he ran out and gave me a green pencil box instead!" It was during the dust bowl days and the depression, and I do NOT recall that it warped my trust in adults. Also, the tooth fairy came a few times when I was 6 years old, but that gradually came to a close too, as I developed other forms of entertainment---playing with paper dolls, I was an only child, and the "world was my stage", litterally! We had one scrubby tree in our yard and I used to pretend that I could dance and sing, with the little tree as reprsenting my "stage"! Children can be encouraged to "dream" in many ways, and I have found that some of my favorite memories, are those that are related to fairy tales, that I also gradually came to realize, were "pretend"! Like seeing a "doll" in the head of a cabbage head in the garden, related to a story of such that I read in the second grade. I still look for that doll's head, when I pick cabbage, something "fun" to work into "work"!

So, let the kids dream and imagine, reality will come soon enough, even through others, which is what life is all about, adjusting to what others think, say and feel, become your own person, as the world will not adjust or wait for you. PR

Hi R., I am 56 yr old gram ma to 5. We never told our two son's these things were not true. They figured it out on there own. The oldest when he came and asked me about it I told him he was correct. I also told him mom had a lot of fun surprising him. So then he got into the act of helping with his younger brother. They are 33 & 31 now and enjoy watching the surprise on their own childrens face's.

WHen he does come to ask you even if he heard it at school or the park just be honet and let him know the truth and how much fun it has been. We still wrap presents from Santa, our 8 yr old grand daughter knows there isn't a Santa, or Easter bunny etc. But she knows it's a special time for the others still and won't spill the beans.

So when the time comes just be honest.

Hello! My name is J. and I have 3 children, 2 girls ages 13 and 9 and a son who is five. My 9 year old still believes in all these My 13 year old found out from friends at school and began asking me if these things were real. When she was under 10 I just told her "Of course they are, if you want presents you have to believe!" Eventually she said, "Mom, I know YOU are Santa, Tooth Fairy, and a real bunny cannot do the things the Easter bunny does!" etc..." So I told her she was right!

My son has never believed in Santa, Easter Bunny, etc. He does, however, believe that Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" is real. (Go figure.) He was pretty upset when one of his friends told him that she isn't. I'm guessing that at 6 he will be hearing it from someone at school pretty soon. You may want to ask him what he thinks and find out if he really believes or just likes the pretend of it.

HI. From a mom of kids (ages 8, 6, and 5) who do NOT believe in tooth fairy, santa, etc. I have always faced the possibility of my kids telling the others the truth. I just figure that if my kids tell them then it's no different that when we were kids... there was always someone who told us that stuff wasn't real and our parents always told us "If you believe then it is real." I think kids will believe whatever they want to no matter what the other kids at school will say.

From my perspective I want my kids to know that I will always tell them the truth, no matter what, and that is why we don't do Santa. I feel it builds trust with our family. (Yes, I know there are other ways to build strong families. I am not making any judgements on anyone here.) But maybe when the time comes for him to hear the truth from you, you could approach it like, "I know you are very grown up now and I can trust you. I know I can tell you the truth about some things."

I dunno. I hope that helps.

I say let him believe as long as he wants, plus if he finds out to early that they are make believe then he may ruin it for his little Brother. I know I did when I found out, my Grandma found the need to tell me when I was just about his age that there was no Santa Claus, I then proceeded to cry and tell my little Brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me.
M. Mother of my beautiful Daughter age 3 1/2 wife of 5 years to my wonderful husband. Was a SAHM until recently, am currently working FT would prefer to work PT.

My 10 year old still believes. Society and kids at school can be cruel but I keep the magic alive and well at home. I also have other little ones (8,7,6,4) who often wonder but we also "add" to the magic. We go outside and ring bells for Santa's sleigh, we make sure we have totally different wrapping paper at Christmas, we make sure if the tooth fairy leaves toothpaste and a toothbrush with the money, its one they had previously asked for (the $8 spinner tooth brushes with characters or that sing) that we previously said NO to buying. With the weather cold right now, I always do my own couple dozen eggs really fancy (glitter, sparkles, etc) and keept them hidden in the garage since its cold. I do these while they are gone or asleep and then of course we color eggs together. They are always amazed at where the "other" eggs came from. Imagination is awesome as a mother and keep the magic alive at home. We just always tell the kids, if you do not believe, they won't come. Those other kids may have a really sad day when they wake up....best wishes!

How weird.. I just had this conversation with my very mature just turned 9 boy. He asks me constantly if all these characters are real and I tell him I still believe. Well, tonight he was extremely pushy about the easter bunny. He was very serious and asked again if he was real. I thought he must be old enough and maybe I need to be truthful to him and I said no but you will still get an easter basket until your 18. His eyes glazed over with tears and he never cries like that and I knew immediately that I had made a mistake. So I told him that yes I do hide eggs outside (he caught me last year) but only because I wanted them to have a lot to find and that when I go outside there are always some already hidden and I didn't do it. Talk about covering up a mistake. His boy cousin 10 yrs tell him all the time they aren't real. I get mad and say don't listen to them. My neighbor girls are 11 and 12 and this is the first year they won't be involved in egg hunts. I think they just figure it out on their own or from other kids and believe it when they want. J.

WOW! I guess I have never seen this so black and white or even that you are "lying to your kids". It seems (from reading your responses) everyone has very different opinions on this issue. Personally, I feel kids will figure it out on their own, at different times. I do not feel it is a issue to have a sit down "heart to heart" about unless your child asks you some very pointed questions. They are only young once and I want my kids to really just be happy and enjoy life. I think back to childhood and have such good memories. In fact, I do not even remember learning Santa, Easter Bunny, etc. were not real. It just kind of happened. I guess my parents always stressed the joy and the "feeling of giving" at Christmas. I do not know how religious you are, but the Easter Bunny has always been a tough one in general. We do small Easter baskets, but we do not center on gifts at Easter. We really focus on Jesus and the sacrifice he made for all of us. IT is a time for family and friends to gather vs. the commercialization that we see everywhere! I found some great Easter books at Mardel, but you can try and Christen Bookstore. I hope this helps. Good luck!

I let the kids figure it out for themselves. The kids are bright and they will figure it out and MOST won't be disappointed. They usually carry on the tradition with their siblings too. They like to be the Big brother or sister when they find out and keep the littlest ones in the dark as they have a bit of one upsmanship...hope that't the right way to put it. It doesn't put a bad mark on their psyche if they find out unless they are already neurotic.LOL
Kids are resilient, Believe me!! I had 3 who have given me 9 grandkids and still wear me out with whether I am doing the right thing or not!!
Grandy! 66

I say let him believe for as long as possible! These days, children grow up WAY too quickly, so if he still believes, then let him. I see no harm in it; when other kids tell him or start making fun, then it will be time to bring him up to speed. My husband and I plan to let our kids believe until they stop on their own and let them enjoy it. Why take away something that makes him happy and stimulates his 'fantastcial' thinking process?

I found the important thing to consider is how, not when, a child learns that this was all a game. It is important to protect the trust a child has in what their parents tell them and that the child does not feel disrespected. I like to use birthdays to suggest to a child that because they are getting older, they are ready to understand the difference between real and pretend and to help play the game in a more grown-up way. This not only prevents them from feeling duped and from doubting other things we teach them to 'believe', it also allows for a transition time in which they are allowed to still pretend it is all real and continue to have fun playing with these fictional icons until they are finished with them. A child likes to feel honored and noticed for their maturity. I find that children seem to have just as much fun pretending about Santa as they do if they believe he is real. In my experience, I've found that children feel more empowered and less intimidated if they know they are imagining the character. Many young children are frightened by the stranger in the red suit at the mall and it's the parents who think it's supposed to be fun to go sit on his lap and take a picture. In our family we focussed on a child's ability to believe in themselves, in trust, in family unity, and in love. We had a lot of fun 'pretending' these characters together.

My daughter who is now 11 figured it out on her own......and it was fine. I kept it going as long as I could, and why wouldn't you......it all part of believing in magic as a kid, don't take it away too soon. These days kids are growing up so fast, so I tried to keep the mystery around for as long as I could. My daughter still believed until she was 9, questioned when she was 10 and figured it all out when she was 11. Think about when you were a child, how long did you believe? I know it's a different world now, but most 7 year olds still believe....do you want your kids being the one to tell everyone at school there really is no Santa Clause. Didn't think so, let that be someone elses kid.

There was a big fuss at my child's school a few years ago where the 3rd a 3rd grader old the 2nd graders there was not a Santa clause. My oh My.......did the 2nd grade teachers have their hands full. So many kids thought Santa died, there were never going to be any presents and there were kids in tears. and yes...it all happened two days before Christmas break. All because some 3rd grader had an older sibling who spoiled it for him and he decided to share the news with everyone else.

It's OK if they hear it from school, then when your child asks, just explain it then. It's not that big of a deal that will end the world. They will still be happy they get presents once you tell your kids Momy and Daddy Buy them.....it just might be harder to tell them to be good, SAnta's watching.

Hi R.,
My 7 yr. old daughter still believes, and she's very mature/science minded.

When the time comes, I plan on telling her that Santa and the others are only real if you actually believe in them. So they exist for some kids, not for others. My philosophy--it's not lying. It's handing down a tradition to keep the spirit alive since Kris Kringle really was a person who brought gifts for kids in his village. The tooth fairy and Easter bunny are another part of the spirit of celebrating childhood (for some cultures), so there's nothing wrong with keeping it alive for as long as your kids appreciate it.
Good luck on your decision!
Angie

Hi R.,
Both of my children, now 13 and 10 found out from their friends at school about the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, etc..
I never brought it up until they started asking questions which wasn't until a few years ago (3rd grade, 5th grade!!)
I didn't feel the need to. I think it was easier for them to hear it from their friends and they both just accepted it. There was a time prior to this that my husband tried to tell them it wasn't real and they didn't believe him! We just let it go until they heard it from friends. My youngest is 2 and the older kids like to pretend with him, so we'll how long he believes! V.

Hi R.,

I don't know if this appeals to you but my 9 year old son still believes in the tooth fairy, etc. He is getting suspicious and I don't really play anything up. He asks me if Tooth Fairy and Santa, etc. are real and I just say, "I've never seen them but what do you think?" Developmentally, though, I think 9 years old is about the age where our thinking becomes more realistic, less magical and more aware of the limits of living. But for now, he is still able to believe that anything is possible.

My kids attend a Waldorf school, (www.shiningrivers.org) in St. Louis and the philosophy supports magical thinking and imagination in childhood. Waldorf thinking is that children outgrow that imaginative and magical state quickly enough without any help from the outside. So while kids at school may tell my kids not to believe, there are just as many kids there who still do believe. And while they may question, they still get to decide for themselves.

I love that my kids are able to enjoy the thrill of the idea of the tooth fairy, etc. in this time when shocking news live on TV and bombardment of all kinds of information steals (I feel) the innocence of young children, even school aged children. Their school supports that protection of innocence so they can be children until they are mature enough to move away from it.

I think the magic we let our youngsters believe in is just one of the tough decisions parents have to make. I don't know about you, but I had no idea I'd have to decide so many things about how to raise my kids!!!

All the best to you!
L. C.

wow I am surprised there are 9 and 10 yr olds that haven't had that question yet. I figure by Kindergarten they will find out as they learn from others at school. I never taught my kids that they were real but we did put money under their pillow for missing teeth and let them watch santa movies. I remember a comment when my first was a baby from someone and it stuck with me so we just didn't make Santa, Easter bunny or the tooth fairy a big issue to begin with. The comment was we teach our kids all their lives not to lie but yet parents lie to their kids about Santa, the easter bunny, and the toothfairy. What message are we sending our kids from an early age? That is like a double standard. Well that stuck with me and we just didn't get it started.
We make up Easter baskets and they each get one every year, we still have stockings hung and they get gifts in them but was never told they were from Santa, and we put money under their pillows for their missing teeth but don't have a big story about the tooth fairy. The kids still have fun and look forward to these holidays and events in life. Kids will draw their own conclusions and my youngest will talk about these characters as if they are real but knows they really aren't but he likes to pretend and play them anyway.

Hello fellow mother,
My son is 9 yrs. old, and he still "acted" like he believed in Santa Clause. My son is also very bright, I think that, of course, there has been discussions at school about the matter, however he hasn't given us the slightest notion that he doesn't believe. I also have a 6 yr. old daughter that is whole heartedly believes in all of the above. So, whether it's the mystery of it all, not wanting to hurt our feelings, or for his sister, I think let him be and let it play out. Before, you know it they will be grown up and we will want to remember these days!

never.... until they start asking you and then ok mom fess to the truth and the whole truth, come clean with it all....believe it or not my son is really bright and only found out because of his science class when he was seven. they taught him about tear ducts and how your eyes naturally wash the dirt out over night which gives you sleepy stuff in the corners of your eyes...well he came home so mad that there wasn't a fairy putting dream dust on him....then quizzed me about all the other stuff so we confessed. it was a couple of years of ok hes playing along now hes 12 and helps us be santa and stuff for the other kids and its much more fun to see him doing things for others(even other kids@ easter) good luck and telling the truth to your child is never a bad thing..... in the long run...S.

Yes, My son is 10 and has yet to say anything or ask us any questions, he has given hints here and there that he might not believe but has not come right out and asked but if he did then I would tell him the truth,but I also have a 1.5 yr old and of course she is too young yet, and he cannot spoil it for her,and if he does find out then you can explain to him and maybe he will keep the secret w/him as long as he knows he can help you and dad with the gift giving:-) My mother still makes us easter baskets and I am 38 yrs old and you are never too old!!

I say enjoy it as long as possible. I have a 10yr old almost 11 and an 8 yr old, almost 9. My 10 yr old has believed up to last summer, completing 4th grade. My now 3rd grader (8)still believes. Talking to other moms at school, majority of 4th grade believed, I know some still do in 5th grade.

C.