What Would You Do--if You Were the Mom of the "Bad" Kid?

Children misbehave because they have trouble managing the emotions that drive them to misbehavior. If they learn to effectively manage the emotions that drive them to misbehavior, they will behave.
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I would be thankful that someone told me about something I'm not seeing. I would also be embarrassed as well as upset that I didn't see it.

I would have my child apologize and show him/her that lying, cheating and stealing are wrong. If he/she has stolen from them - ask exactly what they are missing and have my child give it back or replace it with his/her allowance money.

Another vote for investigate on her side & then if found to be true, apologize to the mother & move on.

I by order of genetics am predisposed to having the bad kid. ADHD kids are just a handful, ya know?

My older two were freaking angels, god knows how that happened. I think it was a matter of luck that I saw the misdeeds coming and headed them off at the pass. :)

One benefit to being an adult with ADD raising kids with ADD, you have been there, done that. I know why I strayed off the path so I watch for it in my kids.

S'anyway....

Here is the thing I have noticed with my younger two. It is not so much that they do things wrong it is that when they do there is no communication between mom and the victim of the wrong. In other words say one of my kids lie. If I go with oh bad junior they are going to lose a friend. If I go hey Judy, did I just notice junior was lying? What happened, oh so I think he was trying for whatever, what an epic fail. I think I am going to try blah blah blah and see if that corrects it, please tell me if you see this behavior in junior in the future.

Now junior still has a friend and I have a mom on my side making sure my kids stay on the straight and narrow.

Make sense?

The goal in raising kids is that they become viable members of society. There is no reason to get upset when someone gives you information to achieve that goal. :)

If the other mom was telling the truth, then she doesn't need to apologize for that. The "bad" kid's mom didn't take the hint when the other mom wouldn't return her requests for a playdate. The other mom didn't call her up out of the blue to tell her this. If I was the "bad" kid's mom, I'd ask the other mom for specific examples of the behavior so I'd have a better picture of what is going on, and I'd want to know if the other mom actually witnessed my child's behavior or if she is just going on the word of her own little darling who of course would never be involved in such behavior.

Maybe it's just me, but I would exepct another parent to be honest with me and not avoid me. Regardless of how my child is behaving I wouldn't assume the "bad kid" thing. I would ask the other mom to give me examples and ask that she be honest in the future and if this is something we can work on. If my child was showing this behavior, how am I supposed to correct it if I don't know what it is and if nobody will be around her to build healthy relationships? Just a couple things to think about!!

I'm in a sort of similar situation right now -- my 7 year old is warm and loving and enjoys his friends, but as emotionally demonstrative as he is in positive ways, he is equally so in negative ways. He likes to be really silly to make his friends laugh and pokes or pretends to punch, gets them mad, and then gets upset that they're mad and tells them they can't tell on him or they aren't a good friend. Those are the reasons behind his behavior, but all someone can see from the outside is a disruptive kid, and at the end of the school year (we ended two weeks ago), one particular mom and son came up to us with this kind of information every day after school. It was getting extremely frustrating and I was glad for the school year to end to get away from them and have a break! However, I was grateful for the information (even though it was humiliating and upsetting). I am not convinced my son was 100% at fault -- I know at one party I told my son if he did one more thing we were leaving and within minutes his friend came to me to tattle. I had to follow through and leave, but I also think the friend might have embellished or tried to get my son in trouble.

If I was your friend, I would want details of what had happened (not simply labels like liar, manipulator, etc.) so that I could help my son improve his behavior. And if an apology was in order, I would absolutely offer it. And then I would stay away from that friend. With my son, there are some boys that just make it harder for him to behave well (since they are equally silly or are themselves aggressive).

I would want specifics and then I would then say, I will look into it and get back to you. I would investigate the accusations. I would talk to my kid and get his side then evaluate the situation. Just because the mom said those things does not mean she is 100 percent accurate. Maby the other kid was involed and your kid is the one getting blamed for whatever occured.

If I found that what she said is true - I would correct my childs behavior.

i would hope the other mom would be coming to me from a kind place. if so, i'd talk to her more about WHAT exactly has been happening. is it a misunderstanding? is it hearsay? what's the deal? get to the bottom of what actually happened before getting upset and taking it personally - which is hard, because it IS personal. i mean, they're 6. it's not like they are 15 running around wreaking havoc...find out what's going on.

kids are fickle. they accuse other kids of doing things and it comes out completely different than what actually happened. they will be worst enemies one moment and bff's the next. the other mom has to realize this. and so does your friend. you can't really take a 6 year old's word 100% without question. you have to translate a bit.

but also, accept that you might have "that kid". apologize. and focus your energy, not on bitterness or bad feelings towards the other mom or kid, but on your child. fix it. work to make it better. if she has done her job up to now, the child knows right from wrong - just maybe made a few bad judgment calls? in that case, i would talk to my child about how making bad decisions can lead to people not trusting us, not wanting to play with us. have an open conversation about what was done. if it is a case of bad judgment raising bad judgment, well...i don't know. it is all in what kind of mother she is and how she chooses to deal with it. but that's what i'd do.

thats a lot to accuse a 6 year old of from only a few playdates. Most 6 year olds do lie and try and manipulate to get their way. She didnt need to describe him as an evil manipulative kid and her kid as the good kid getting talked into stuff. I'd be irked, annoyed at the mom of the perfect kid, but then I would look at my own childs behaviour and evaluate if I do need to address things. I would be proactive with the needed advice but wouldn't be thankful since her response sounds too harsh for a 6 year old.
I think the incidents need to be described for proper advice though.
If she decribed a kid that was a bully or mean or hitting the other kid my answer would be diferent but from what she accused him of he could have J. stolen a cookie with the info we recieved

Ha ha, isn't it funny how some moms on here come for advice on how to break up play dates with other children. I guess there is no easy way to break the news but geeze that mom was blunt.

I don't think any mom wants to believe those things about there child whether true or not. I mean I think most people on here would not claim their child to be an angel yet wouldn't think of their child in that way.

I think I would take the hit a little hard. I probably would look a little deeper into my child and maybe investigate a little into it. Wonder if my child is different when I'm not around. Gather opinions from others who have came across my child. But move on from that parent & their child. I think you'd have to let it go. But I also think with that strong of accusations you'd have to investigate on whether there is truth even a little truth there. The only apology I would say to the mother would be "I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm sorry you didn't voice your concerns earlier"

In this case, mom was missing the signs. If someone doesn't text or call you back, that is a hint that they're not interested. Under those circumstances, sure she can choose whether or not to call and call until she gets a chance to ask what is up, but she should be prepared for news she may not want to hear. Ignored calls and texts mean something is wrong and most definitely the friendship is probably over, but for some reason the person doesn't want to tell you why and is avoiding you. It's definitely a cop out and rude on the side of the ignorer, but it's their right and is at least, non-confrontational.

Secondly, since she insisted on pursuing the woman until she got a response, and didn't see the signs, and had to be told point blank that her child is a bully, she should have apologized immediately upon hearing tne news, and moved on. The situation was "over" from go and sadly she just didn't get it and had to get confronted. Instead of stewing, she should work on it with her kid and be careful about planning playdates with others until she has a handle on her child's behavior.

If you are planning on offering this friend advice about this, tell her she needs to read people better. I suspect there were signs all along that there was trouble between the boys and that is why the (non-confrontational) mom finally lost patience. Perhaps she was expecting your friend to notice and do something about it, and when she didn't, decided she didn't want to continue a relationship.

Doesn't your friend hang out at the house during playdates to monitor the child's behavior? He's still pretty young to be left on is own if the playdate friends are not really familiar/close to your friend and her son. Just remember, If someone doesn't call or text back, they're not interested and don't want a confrontation. Take a hint and move on from there.

If one parent didn't realize there was a problem, then she knows now and she can cross these people off as play date contacts.
She can say "I didn't know and I'm sorry you feel that way".
Acknowledge her feelings and not calling again is apology enough.
Then the parent has to decide how true or not the allegations are.
If it happens once or twice, you can write it off as the other parent being mistaken.
But if it's happening a lot, you have to consider your child might be having a problem.
There are many parents who could watch a video of their child robbing a store and then go on to claim their child was innocent.
Denial happens.
What a GOOD parent does is look at the behavior and if there is room for improvement then try to work with the child to improve it.
Getting all huffy and defending a total brat is not in the best interest of the child.
He'll have a hard time making friends and keeping them if he really lies and manipulates.

Well, I have no problem going and talking to other parents (face-to-face) when my kid says there is an issue. I say something to the effect of "my kid said your kid did this. Can you please chat with her and let me know that side of the story so we can straighten this out?"

I believe my kids, but they are kids and sometimes the stories come out how they WANT them to be. It's important to TALK to the other parents if you have an issue and not just accuse their child. I have my opinions of some kids and their behavior, and if I see my kids wanting a better relationship with them I avoid putting off the conversation with the parents.

My kids are angels. Okay, maybe not angels, but they are my angels. They are normal people and they do things that aren't acceptable sometimes.

So does your friends son do the things the other mom is saying? Possibly. But at 6, if she hasn't taught her son the diference between right and wrong and the "if Johnny jumps off the bridge don't you jump off the bridge" theory yet, then that mom has some issues.

My kids know that wherever we go and whatever we do, they are to follow MY (my and my husbad's) rules. I don't care what the other rules are, becaus I can guarantee you my rules are more strict. So if they follow MINE, then they are in line with whatever else they need to be doing.

I think the other mom was wrong for ignoring your friend and then calling out all of the behaviors she didn't like. She should have told her when there was an issue in the first place.

First and foremost, your friend has to remember that this game called life is all about relationships and sometimes we have a match and sometimes we don't. So this woman that told her this could be totally correct in her opinion of her son or she just might not be a match and thinks her kids are too perfect. Who knows, what we do know is we don't have a match here so move on.

If this had happened to me, I first would be horrified! I would be horrified that I didn't know, and horrified that someone said that about my baby. After my initial shock, I would immediately apologize for my child's behavior and ask for specific detail so I know what to look for in the future. Can't correct what you don't see right? When I say specific, I would want her to give me an exact example, e.g., Johnny went up to my son and told him "you should steal that toy" and what the outcome was of the encounter. After getting a few examples, I would thank her for her time and leave her be, she is never going to be a good play date person, her opinion will never change so why bother. From that moment, I would do everything in my power to see first hand the accusations she had put on my child so I could begin to correct it. If I never see it, and in new play groups I have no issues then obviously the problem is not in the child.

I would venture to say, if your friend's child is a problem, she already knows and needs to figure out her next steps to correct it with him. If she had no idea (and you had no idea being her friend) then I would bet money, the problem was with the woman who told her about it and stay VERY far away from her.

Good luck!

I would say I was sorry and I was going to look into it. I would also ask for specifics so I could speak with my child and get the info.. Then I would work with my child and let her know what was being said, and I would work on her behaviors. I would be hurt, mad and devastated, but I would be relieved to know what was going on and why people were avoiding us.

I do not think children want to be bad. or make the wrong choices. I think they are testing and if not caught, continue these behaviors until someone catches them.

We had some friends with twins.. They are literally known as the "Evil Twins".. They are completely beautiful, smart, talented.. and mean as hell.. Always have been.. Their mother seems like the sweetest person in the world, but she would not believe her girls were so hateful, conniving and mean.

We had a whole group of friends over one Thanksgiving. The twins drew a picture of my husband. He is a bit over weight. They took my daughter over to the picture and asked her, "How can you love your dad, he is so fat?" Our daughter was devastated. They had drawn this and put my husbands name next o it with an arrow.

Another time we were at my inlaws home and all of these same friends were there. Another mom walked into a bedroom and found her own child on the bed with a bat, about to hit the light fixture. The Twins were chanting , "hit it, hit it.. " The little girl burst into tears and said the twins told her they would only be her friend if she hit the light fixture. She was also 3 years younger.

Trying to speak with the mom was impossible. The girls are beautiful.. They make perfect grades and they hide their real personalities very well.
And so we broke off all communication with them.

I actually spoke with our mutual friend.. the twins moms best friend and asked if the girls acted the same way with her children.. She said, "Oh yes, it is an ongoing problem." Apparently she had conversations with this mom, but the mom would just smile and not respond.. These women were best friends! And so the other mom just kept and eye on the girls when they were around and would correct them and speak with them directly to let them know these behaviors were not acceptable.. She also instructed her own children on how to respond to these girls and to continue to let their own mom know when the twins were being mean..

The kicker is, here we are in Texas.. Our daughter decided on a college up east.. The evil twins? 8 miles away at another college! What are the odds? None of them had any idea.. When we looked at the HS graduation program, we were amazed that they had applied to a lot of the same colleges our daughter had!!! Thank goodness they actually attended a different one.

well, i wouldnt be happy with the approach but i would also have to really open my eyes and see if i can see what she does.

I think it was George Lopez who said something along these lines "at what point did we as parents stop asking our kids "And what did you do?" Becasue we allknow our kids can do some pretty bad stuff and we are like "no not our little johnny..." and look at society today...."

Because I am sensitive and have watched one of my children struggle socially, I would be incredibly hurt by her bluntness. In that moment of conversation, I would have told her that she caught me off guard, and could she please elaborate on what happened so I can address it with my child. I would tell her that of course I don't condone lying or stealing, and apologize if my child was involved with such behavior. And ask if she would mind sharing her observations so I can help guide my child. Then I would leave her alone. And I would address any issues with my child, made sure amends were made if necessary, and explain to my child that X's Mom doesn't want to schedule any playdates because of the behaviors she observed, and that if he behaves very negatively, it will not be easy for him to hold onto friendships. And in any future playdates, watch very, very carefully to ensure he/she is learning not to repeat mistakes.

To be truthful, the other mom sounds like O. of those "my kid is perfect so it HAS to be the other kid that is bad" type of people. And if her child WAS so perfect, then the kid would know right from wrong and not be easily influenced by another kid's behavior.

There really aren't "bad" kids. There are undisciplined kids, misguided kids...

At 6, a lot of parents still believe you can keep them "in the bubble" but you can't. School, bus, sports, activities, etc. means that every kid has GOT to be able to determine right from wrong ON THEIR OWN, without mom working the puppet strings.

Most of the parents I know have a "we're in this together" attitude. Work through the kid issues of less-than-stellar behavior, disagreements, poor choices, etc. We will let each other know what's going on, what we see, etc. IF it is significant enough to mention. No O. wants to hear bad reports about their kids, but moms need thick skin!

My friends know that they can correct my kid as they see fit while in their care, and I theirs. It's my house/my rules. I expect their kids to follow my rules and I expect my kid to follow theirs. (I have O. friend who considers 'butt' a 'bad word'--eye roll--but THAT is their rule--and it's THEIR house!)

I'll bet you fewer and fewer 'friends' of this other kid continue to cut the mom's mustard. Her friend pool will dwindle down...because--just like there aren't many truly "bad" kids, there also are no "perfect" kids.

So, to answer your specific question, your friend missed the opportunity to apologize if she didn't do it when the other mom called it out. It might seem stalker-ish to contact her YET again to apologize. I'd let it drop, be aware to watch for my kid's behavior (I'd be glad to have the info) and move along.....

Well first is this happening at school where you can't see why things are happen or is your friend sure this is wht is really happening. If you are sure then that this is his behavior I'd set out to help him recognize the right way to treat others. Honestly I always want to know the reason up front wether its good or bad. Nothing worse than someone just walking away and not saying why

I'm not sure that she owes this other mom an apology for accusations leveled after she chose to ignore communications to her. If this were truly an issue, the other mother should have said that following a previous playdate or when one was trying to initiate a playdate. Besides that, the way for her to have handled it when initiated would have been something along the lines of, "I'd prefer for the kids to not play together, as I am concerned about their influences on each other."

The other mother says that your friend's child encourages her child to steal. Is that true? Or is that the excuse she's using because her child steals? Maybe the accusations of lying, manipulating and encouraging one to steal are true, in which your friend needs to address them with her child. However, they may be the accusations of a mother who is trying to say that her own child's poor behaviors are caused by someone other than her own child. Either way, if I were your friend, I wouldn't want my kid to play with the other child anymore. And, I'd observe myself to see if there were any validity to the accusations leveled.

This is a good tie-in to a few recent questions: the toddler discipline one and the "it takes a village" one.

As a teacher, I can tell you that some parents get extremely defensive at the suggestion that their kids would ever do anything wrong - almost as though I want to see a kid in trouble or see the worst in them. Seriously? Good behavior and manners are learned, children are not born with them. They need to be reinforced all the time, in every setting. A big part of the reason why so many kids behave so poorly is because parents refuse to 1. correct the issue themselves before it becomes an issue w/others and 2. defend the poor behavior out of personal pride/defensiveness. In a recent post re: toddler behavior, almost all of the moms who responded confirmed that consistency is key. Why does this not apply to correction / concerns from others in other social settings? Can people not tell the difference between addressing a child's behavior and personal attacks/critiques of their parenting? Apparently many cannot. =/ The next thing is that kids see their parents defending/excusing their behavior and become prize brats with no respect for the authority figures in their life INCLUDING their parents. It's a scary cycle and makes me fear for those same parents when their children are old enough to do real damage to themselves or others.

If the mom addressed my child's behavior w/those words, I would have been offended only bc I would feel that there's a more tactful way to mention it. I would most certainly apologize (because her perception is her reality) and ask for specifics so I could address the troublesome behavior. I think those things she said are pretty serious and I would not want to hear them from anyone else, so I'd appreciate the chance to confront my child about them.

I believe in the "village" thing for the sake of consistency in a child's life with regard to behavior expectations. Yes, we can have different values, but very few people could dispute what constitutes polite, respectful behavior - even the parents who get defensive. I don't think there is a drastically different view of what's appropriate, I think the difference is that their pride is in the way and/or they don't want to be bothered to "fight those battles".

That said, I don't go around jumping in other people's family business and correcting their children, only when the behavior becomes a disruption in class (which is disrespectful to all of the other kids) or my own family.

We have a spy in the camp out our girls school and our girls are engaging in bad behavior( we did not plan it that way but GOD is good so that is how it is). I am SOOOOOO THANKFUL TO KNOW THIS INFO!!!!!!!

I can not be sensitive when it comes to this. As I just told our child once you lie, you steal, you steal and than you cheat. I have to fight the good fight to give our daughters the tools to succeed in this world and if I am to sensitive to hear the bad and the ugly about what our girls are doing than I will fail them by not pushing them to be the best them that they can be.

I would ask her for more details and specific examples of when she has witnessed this behavior. Then I would probably say something along the lines of "I'm sorry if there's been a problem, thanks for letting me know, we'll certainly look into it and have a talk with him/her." But I am also the type of mom who doesn't assume that her child is perfect and would never engage in any bad behavior, and I would be on the look-out if anyone brought anything to my attention.

I would certainly not apologize if someone spoke that way about my child at that age. Six is a little young to be accusing a child of being a lying, manipulative thief, don't you think? If I were your friend, I would have asked for specifics of what made the mother say this, then I would have talked to my child to get his side of the story. My guess is that this is not one-sided and that the other mom is shifting 100% of the blame to this child to get her own "angel" off the hook. After getting my child's side of the story, if there was anything worthy of communicating back to the other mom I would do so as an FYI and then would encourage my child to seek out other friendships until this blows over.

But no, I would not apologize to a mother who labeled my child. If there was behavior that was bad from my child, I would have *him* apologize to the other child.

Be thankful but embarrassed, and correct my child's behavior, then apologize to the other mom and her child. Face to face.