My 7 year old son stole some cards from another kid in his class, to which he admitted after talking to him. He knows that stealing is wrong but can't give me a good reason why he did it, other than he wanted it. My question to you is, what is a good consequence for such an action. Currently, he is pretty much grounded from the world, has had to write a letter of apology to both his teacher and the boy whose cards he took, and has had to give up anything he may consider fun. Are we taking it to far by taking away everything, is he really going to learn from that?
Just wanted to say thanks so much for the words of support! I was reading other articles that said I did everything wrong in the way I handled the situation, but I think I was right! The cards have since been returned, in a face to face meeting in the principals office, and he had to write a letter of apology to the boy, the boys parents, and us! We strongly believe in raising our kids with morals and I want to nip this in the bud before he gets older and the consequences are much more serious! We also took away his own personal cards and made him give those to the boy he took the other cards from. I think, and he says, he is very upset and didn't realize that his taking the cards was going to hurt so many people. I think he learned a few lessons from this mishap and hopefully will grow from them! Thanks again!
I would actually make him look the other kid in the eye and apologize. Writing a letter is too easy and impersonal.
I would also take away his favorite toy and donate it. He needs to learn what it feels like to have someone take something you like away from you. Once you experience that type of loss, you usually don't want to do that to someone else.
An in-person apology and handing back of the goods to the other child in front of the teacher or principal can be a terrific lesson.
I stole a small red stapler when I was in fourth grade. My mom asked me about it (I lied and said a friend had given it to me), then figured that it was a lie and totally busted me by having the principal call me and the other kid out to the principal's office. I had to return the stapler to the other kid and apologize. Just the humiliation of the whole ordeal was enough to convince me not to ever do it again. I should add that I was already grounded, but I don't remember other punishment (besides a spanking for lying)--other than the total and complete humiliation and being labeled a thief within that classroom. That was huge.
I'd say that if you go too far, your son will be mad at you and not at himself. There are already social implications for him between himself and the other child. I believe the letter of apology is fine, but don't let that substitute for apologizing in person. When he's at a point where he can listen, I'd also make sure he understands the worst part of stealing-- it can damage trust and relationships between people.
Punishments should rehabilitate. In other words teach them why they shouldn't and have them own it. Pretty much doesn't have to be complicated a simple apology, in front of the class. First he has to admit to his friends he did wrong but more than that his friends know he did wrong and that will always be in the back of his mind. If he ever considers stealing something he will be thinking everyone knows, if I want them to trust me I never can do this again.
Peer pressure used for good is an amazing thing.
You need to know that the fact he wanted it IS the reason he stole it. Not sure what would be considered a 'good reason' other than that. Kids just 'do', they don't always think before they 'do' - especially at such a young age. I'm a teacher and I see this a lot at this age - for the most part, they grow out of it. They are just learning boundaries. Taking everything away is not too harsh of a punishment - it's the amount of time could be too long. I like Grandma T's suggestion - a day for every year of his age.
I would have him personally return the cards at the other kids home & apologize in person.
You're not going too far to teach this valuable lesson-some people never learn this-bernie maddoff comes to mind, for example.
I'm not suggesting that what your son did was the equivalent-far from it-he can't yet conceptualize what "permanently" taking something is; and taking something just because he wanted it-it is a bit abstract- I think you did the right thing.
I think you've done what you can, and I don't think you've punished too harshly. Hopefully, he will learn. If you've given him the moral background not to steal (which I'm sure you have) this will probably be his good lesson. I remember taking a lego figure from my preschool when I was four...I had to take it back, apologize, etc, and I learned my lesson.
I also hid it in the side of my sock. Wearing shorts. Four year old logic for you!!
Okay this is something I haven't thought about for a long time. But in the 5th grade, I had forgotten to do my homework so during recess, I snuck back into my homeroom and stole my best friend's homework. I erased her name and put mine and turned it in. My friend told the teacher she had done it and since she was a straight A student, the teacher believed her and asked if she could find it in the stack of papers turned in. Of course she found it and I got sent to the principal's office. I had to sit there while my mom came from work and had to apologize to the principal, my friend, my teacher, and my mom at school. As if that wasn't bad enough, later that afternoon my mom made me walk across the street to my friend's house and apologize to her mother as well. I never did anything like that again and I was fortunate enough that after my grounding was over the girl was still my friend.
I think you acted appropriately but the "in-person" thing usually will humble a child immensely.
stealing is awful. i loathe thieves.
but many good kids from good families will try it once.
the big picture is to have an environment where stealing is so unthinkable that your kids will grow up with honesty engrained in them. that means the parents demonstrate unflappable honesty under all circumstances, including awkward ones.
in that case, when a child does experiment with stealing, the shame and humiliation of being caught, of having to return the item, admit what he did and apologize, will be huge. i think it's also okay to take away (short-term) fun things just to emphasize how serious this is. and TALK about it. discuss his feelings, your feelings, the other kid's feelings, society's feelings. really let him explore with you why this was wrong. you want him to feel shame for what he did, but not to the point that he's too ashamed to share his thought processes with you. in order for him to really learn from this, he needs to understand WHY it was wrong.
obviously a child growing up in a household where he's punished for stealing, but stealing is clearly taken lightly, will be confused.
i'm betting this is not the case with your son.
khairete
S.
nope i would do the same thing
Humiliation is the best teacher in this instance. I would have him return the cards in person with a personal apology...writing is too easy. Also, even though he is giving the cards back how about some good old restitution. He has to pay back what the cost was with some labor...such as pulling weeds, raking leaves, etc. When my girls were little I would also have them write out the commandment that applied about 25 times such as Thou shalt not steal.
You'll think of something...good luck : )
