Exhausting Play Dates and Kid Stealing Toys

I find it easier to have other kids over than it is to not have other kids over. When my kids friends come over they all just disappear "out of my hair" and I do not have to see them or talk to them until they come and tell me they are hungry. I have had the odd kid over who seems to need me to entertain them, but I just don't invite those kids over next time. I do allow my kids to play video games when their friends come over, but if I feel they have been playing long enough I just kick them outside.

Yea, in today's world where lots of kids feel free to be demanding and disruptive and complain about food and beg and leave messes behind without parents to keep them in line....playdates can be a bit much. And there used to be no such thing as playdates so I wouldn't sweat skipping them. My kids get enough social playtime in their lives without me hosting friends. My daughter just had a birthday party here and with the girls yelling, trashing the place, begging for stuff and saying they didn't like stuff.... it exhausted me. My kids can see their friends in classes and activities and play in the yard with neighborhood kids without coming in the house.

We had neighbor boys who stole my kids money. That was lovely...

Play dates are for teaching children to get along. They really are work! Some kids are easy going. Some kids aren't. I had an acquaintance who thought that play dates were a break for her to play mah-jongg. Yeah, right...

If I were you, I'd be very discriminating in regards to who you have play dates with. I'd also do one-on-one rather than groups.

Honestly, when I was a kid, "play dates" didn't exist. Yep-I went to friends houses, yep, they came to mine, but parental involvement was minimal, save for making lunch! Maybe they were on to something?

I remember when my son was 3, 4 being the "organizer" more... but not at 7.
Some kids "click" and can happily entertain themselves for hours. Others? It's not so much the play date, but the personalities. Minimize those. At 7, surely he has buddies that aren't so difficult?
No..I've never had a kid steal a toy!

I hate to be the one to tell you but you never had a playdate. You invited friends over, they invited you over, these were not playdates. Playdates are these awful things you young moms came up with because apparently raising kids isn't involved enough. Now you must micromanage their friendships as well.

So remember when you had a friend over. You kind of in your mind thought I have this new game, we will start playing that.... Then when you got bored with that you and your friend picked something else? You know why you did this, because you planned it. Kids don't plan playdates, their mommy does so mommy gets to plan everything.

I would imagine that is exhausting. So no, I never had those issues because none of my kids have ever had playdates.

After reading your SWH, I wanted to suggest you control playdates a little less than you currently do and be less involved in their chosen activity.

My kids have different types of friends. Some kids want to play outside the whole time. Others like to play with Legos or Magic the Gathering card game. And there are a couple that just want play Mario Kart or Minecraft. When we have kids over, I assume they are there for their preferred activity. I have little to no involvement in it. I throw food at them on occasion and otherwise do my own thing.

What I'm saying is, relax your screen time rule when you invite a gamer kid over to play. You're exhausted because you're too invested in it.

Now that said, if your kid would really rather go outside and simply does not want to play Minecraft, that might mean a bad fit for the pair. The next time your son wants to invite that particular kid, remind him that Billy isn't really into riding bikes and will probably just want to play Minecraft. Tell him to consider that if he wanted to play outside today, he should probably invite Tom instead.

When it comes to kids that misbehave or steal, that does require your personal attention. No helping that. We've never had a kid take something, but for general-misbehavior make sure your rule is clear, and that the consequence for not following it will be to go home immediately (no second warnings) and they may not be invited back.

Play dates were almost always easy around here. Sure there was the occasional brat and sometimes some "girl" drama but mostly they played pretty well together, and if not, well then the kid/s got sent home.
If they started whining or disagreeing I'd just say you guys need to work it or else so and so is leaving now.
It didn't take too long for my kids to figure out who they (and I) wanted and enjoyed having over. It's not much different than adults: good friends = no drama/no hassles.

1. Not sure why you are so involved in their play dates? Are they saying they're bored and need your help? Are you hovering over them to make sure they don't trash your house? When my kids have friends over, I might invite them to do a craft with me, but they find things to do on their own and clean up at the end. (Eta regarding the term "play date" - to me, it's simply getting friends together, not orchestrating activity).

2. You're surprised a 7 year old would take a toy? I'd say lack of impulse control of that sort is pretty typical at that age. I've never known my kids to take things that aren't theirs, but I don't think it would surprise me. Seven is an age where some kids have developed the necessary impulse control but some haven't. It doesn't mean that child is bad or destined for a life of crime.

I think maybe you need to have play dates with friends where you can have coffee with another mom while the kids play. You sound overinvolved and like you need something to keep YOU occupied.

My (just turned) 8 year old heads outside with a friend or they go to his room and play lego or build or play something else. Occasionally I have to give them food. As a child, we didn't have play dates. We had friends come over (they walked if close enough or got dropped off if it was too far) and we played. My mom was only involved as transportation - that's it. They weren't even called play dates then.

When DS was younger (5 or under I think) play dates were more work because they weren't drop off. So there was either hanging out at someone else's house for 2 hours or entertaining another parent for the same time. Fine when we were actually friends. Less than ideal when all we had in common was children the same age.

No child has tried to steal at my home, but that is not at all uncommon. You can google for more info, but it does NOT mean there is anything wrong with the child or that they are doomed to a life of crime. I remember my sister took something little from a store when we were about that age. My parents made her take it back and apologize. She has grown up to be a fine upstanding person.

'playdates' seem to be a modern invention, with the parents being much more involved than the old days when kids just hung out together. so i think it's more than just semantics.
some of them are more work than others, of course. it tends to be easiest if it's just one or two friends. but i never jumped in the middle of them at all. if there were yells of fury, i might do a light-handed referee stint, and i firmly shut down mayhem in the house. kids who constantly created drama (or stole- didn't have that problem that i know of but i can totally see how it could happen) would just not get invited back.
it was never my job to entertain them, but that was true whether or not there were friends over.
khairete
S.

Hm. Interesting. Playdates for me make it so much easier. Both my kids (9 and 4) are off playing with their buddy and stay out of my hair. They stay busy and are totally occupied. Sometimes the 4 year old hits a point where she needs some direction, but not much. She's usually super busy pretending away with her friend. I'm not involved at all. I use the time to do things I want to do. I might bring them a snack mid playdate if I think they are getting hungry. If they want to do different things, I tell them they have to take turns. I will let the 9 year old play a video game with his friend for a little bit, then I kick them off the computer. No toy stealing yet. I feel lucky after reading your post!

I have three kids ages 7 1/2 yrs, 10 yrs and 14 yrs. I would say generallly since they were about 3 yrs. They had playdates. I am happy to have kids over here.
First of all in most cases 3 hrs for me would be too long. However there are expections. When the kids have a half a day. Or maybe a summer playdate. My oldest attends and host many sleep overs ...but no more then 2 addtional kids when it is at our house.
This sounds like a kid that I would not want in my house. Most of our playdates are easy. The kids all get along great. I think a good amount for the average playdate especially if it is after school..1 1/2hrs. if its on friday night or the wknd then it could be longer. there is a child that is very sweet but is very demanding....thank god is not my childs favorite friend to have over. this particular child has excellent manners. is much more work when this child is in my house.
i only have returning playdates ....if they kids were polite, got along, my kids want that child over, close by, not alot of problems. good luck.

I don't know why some people are saying play dates are different from a friend coming over. It's the same thing with another name.

I think 7 is an age where it's really beginning to get easier, but there will always be some kids who make it tougher.

One girl that comes over to our house quite a bit is starting to get much easier, but there's still the constant requests for food or drink or help in settling a disagreement.

But I do think it starts to get easier.

Choose different venues or different kids. There are kids I won't have over together. There are kids I will only hang out with (with DD) in a park. There are kids I will only hang out with at home. My neighbor friend and I realized that her daughter plays better at my house, so I host more play dates for peace. If a kid consistently begs, whines, weasles, etc. then they don't get invited over much. I don't have time to spend 3 hours telling Mr. I Get Everything At Home that this is not his home and we have rules.

SS had a friend steal from him and ultimately DH had to confront the mother. SD had a friend show her how to get to a chat room when they were both too young to know what that was and we had to get involved there (and NO more computer time around that kid). So sometimes the play time doesn't go well. But if you find that you are overly involved and are constantly breaking up fights or whatever, you might need to either reconsider how you set up a play date (are you upfront with rules and expectations? do you enforce them?) or who you invite to play. Tell them what they can/can't do and tell them to "work it out" and get involved only if they really can't.

If Mr. Minecraft can't take "No, we are not playing Minecraft today" for an answer, perhaps he should be more of a school vs home friend.We once told a friend of SS's that a particular game had to go sit on the bench by the door. It was not to be played, at all, period. We didn't allow M games. Kid didn't come hang out with SS much, but that was because we had rules. If the kid didn't like our rules, better that he not be our headache.

I also don't like sending DD to a particular friend's house when I know her parents will just let them watch TV. DD wants imaginative play and her friend will zone out if the TV is on. I'd rather host here where we can send them outside to check out bugs. To be honest, just this weekend I picked a friend and her sons to hang out with because I knew that DD would enjoy an active kid at the park. Sometimes you just need to know everyone's limits.

I find them relatively easy with my daughter. But not so with my 7 year old son. I do not get involved in the planning. These are mostly neighborhood kids that he brings over at the spur of the moment or a classroom friend that he invites. But... some of the kids require constant supervision or they get into lots of trouble and there are arguments that need a referee. I don't know if it is just these particular kids but it has been like this with the 3 kids he has over. I would much prefer he go to their house but they all seem to end up over here.

I find some play dates are very easy and some hard. With really good friends they're easy. Those are the ones I host the most. Then my kids are off playing and I totally get a break except the occasional snack. This was the case when my kids were 7 too. Is it like this with all your play dates? Some kids are difficult. They're demanding or they just don't click as well with my kids so I tend not to host them. Does your 7 year old have a BFF? If so can they play well for an hour or even then you have to intervene? I know boys are more into video games but if your son can never play for a while without you having to get involved, maybe he's difficult? Not trying to be insulting at all. Just seems like he should be able to play with a close friend for a while without it being work for you.

Playdates can be easy or a nightmare from hell. I think it really depends on the child.

My youngest used to have the most quiet, lovely playdates. Girl would come over, they'd go to the playroom, I'd hear quiet conversation, they'd come eat a snack and return to their lovely games. She somehow always chose friends who were like this - to this day, at 11, when she has friends over, they're quiet, polite, just a pleasure.

My middle child, also a girl, has always attracted loud, boisterous friends. Their playdates were always full of running around, playing for 5 minutes then "they're huuuungry…can we pleeeease have a snaaack?…we're boooored, mommy, can we paint? bake something? play with water? glitter? make crafts? can you help us?" ALWAYS high maintenance and always loud. The girls are also very nice, just very exhausting. And now, at 13, it's the same. Her friends are loud (you cannot imagine how loud 13yr olds can squeal when they're delighted about something), outgoing, constantly moving, etc. Nice girls, but OMG, are you serious?! Calm down already!

As for the stealing, I don't think it's uncommon for a 7yr old to "borrow" something. Not saying it's right, just that it's not unheard of still at that age. I'd continue to keep an eye out when that kid comes over or perhaps just cut back on playdates with him.

Just a word of caution for the future -- Eventually the whole "kids can go play with neighbor kids" does fade away as the kids get older. So don't depend on that as the sole outlet for your child to get to know and play with other kids. As kids advance in school and start to have more activities of their own (sports, arts, dance lessons, school clubs, whatever), they are going to develop friendships in those activities and with school friends who do not live in your neighborhood. So keep in the back of your mind the thought that you will want to do play dates with friends from activities and from school, none of whom also are neighborhood kids.

Kids just eventually start to base friendships on shared interests and personalities that click rather than on mere physical proximity. That's natural and it's how adults develop real friendships--based on what they have in common, not just on who lives on the same block. So don't drop the idea of playdates.

But DO drop playdates with the one exhausting, toy-nabbing kid. And with all kids, neighbors or not, I'd just do one blanket policy: Play dates are never for TV or computer or any other screen, period. That eliminates the whining to do Minecraft or anything else. Set the expectation when the child arrives: "OK boys, you get to decide if you play outside or inside--we have (outdoor toys X, Y and Z) and (indoor games A, B and C). We don't do any computer games on play dates so go figure out what you want to do." If they can't figure it out -- briskly offer two alternatives, no more, and tell them that if they can't decide the play date can end.

Be sure to talk to you own son, too, and let him know that he is the host and should work with his friends on what to play but that you are taking computer games off the table so that he won't have to stress out over that. When the kids are older they can of course do some gaming since they will understand better when it's time to end it (and if they don't -- they lose the privilege.)

By age 7, you should be able to be pretty hands off during a play date. My son, age 6 and in first grade, usually just goes upstairs with his friends and they play up there. They come down for snacks or to ask for things sometimes, which I help with, but for the most part they are on their own.

Obviously, if a child is trying to steal from you, that needs to be dealt with and that child probably shouldn't be asked over again.

We generally don't allow video games at all on play dates and, if we do, it is for a limited time (30 minutes max). Usually I do it if my son has a new game or if I need the boys quieter while my daughter naps. There are some times that the boys can't agree on something to do. At that point, I usually offer a snack and by the time they're done eating, they are able to agree on something.

If play dates are a lot of work for you, you either need to invite different children over, or you need to force yourself to be more hands off. Establish a few ground rules and then let the kids play.

We have always had our group play dates in a neutral location, the gym at church, McDonald's playground, local park during school day hours so there are not any other kids there, and once or twice had them at one or the other's house but we stayed out in the backyard unless one of the kids needed the bathroom.

All mom's stayed. We sat around visiting and managing the kids while they played...play dates are for the kids to play. There is no need to do more. If you are finding it's hard to keep the kids from fighting or getting fractious then the play date is too long. Ours were 2 hours twice per week from 9am-11am. No lunch, not nap time, lots of fun and no stress.

I don't organize playdates-but they do tend to fall in my lap. ours have run the gamut. I can not say that I have caught anyone stealing. But I did smell smoke in the front yard to run around to the back where our children's "friend" told me he found a lighter and handed it to me (there is a public park behind our home). I then found several piles of leaves that said child was attempting to ignite. While mine watched enthralled.
I do step in when needed as our youngest is 5 and sometimes needs a little guidance as far as manners and sharing. But mostly it's shoo shoo-ok clean up time!
I have also had kids invited over for sleepovers without knowing the parents. This brought me a great deal of anxiety-as I would never send mine to a house I wasn't familiar with myself.
This is difficult for me as I used to be a working mom-and now I'm a stay at home mom. Seems the stay at home moms get volunteered for a lot!! It's been a tough transition and I'm still learning where I need to put my foot down.

Friends coming over to play SHOULD be easy. My daughter had one friend in 2nd grade who was horrible and she has never been invited back. I told my daughter why as well, she knows her friends behavior was out of line and won't be allowed in our home.

My youngest son has a friend (neighbor) who he butts heads with, but the insist on playing together. They do MUCH better outside when they can ride bikes, play baseball or football, run around....inside normally turns into a battle of some sort. Last week the boy was over and he broke two toys of ours. He also broguht his iPad mini over to watch movies and asked me to charge it. I charged it for him, but sent him home when he asked to watch movies...sorry, you can do that at home. We don't have him over too often.

My 8 year old son has one friend that they swap houses for playing. Both great boys and I barely hear a peep from them.

So it really depends on the kids...but I don't get involved unless I hear a lot of fussing or crying.

When my kids were young, there were times that I thought playdates were more stress than was worth it. I can remember telling one of my kids that playdates were supposed to mean that I got time to myself, and if they couldn't get along with their guest and needed me to step in, then it wasn't worth it to me.

While we did not have video games, I can remember the kids asking to watch tv, and making a rule with my kids that they were not allowed to ask for tv during playdates, unless the kid was at my house the entire day. There were squabbles over what to play, and I know my kids felt it was unfair when I told them to let the guest choose what to play, because when they'd play at the same friend's house, the friend would tell them, "It's my house and I get to choose what we play."

Yes, once I caught my daughter's friend trying to steal a toy from our house. This was a sneaky kid, lasted through her HS years, and she tried to tell me that my son (who was 2 at the time), had told her that she could "borrow" the toy, after she had already asked me and I'd told her "no," and she had the toy hidden under her coat.

When I was a kid and had a friend over to our apartment to play, we did NOT make my mother crazy. We played with my toys in my room, we did not watch television, we ate snack when my mother gave it to us. I don't think my mother was ever involved when I had friends over. I think we (the kids) had better manners and social skills and problem solving skills, because our parents didn't constantly jump in to solve our problems for us (I'm speaking as someone who is 46)

I had neighbor girls who came over practically every day. One girl was in my dd's class, but the two sisters always came too. uggghh. I got to the point where I let them all play alone in the basement for about an hour max. It was a disaster zone when they left. Since it was in the basement, I wouldn't clean up except for one time per week because I knew it would get messed up again and it was out of sight, out of mind.

It gets easier when they're older. Now my 10 year old and her friends make gymnastics or singing videos on their ipods or phones. Much easier and less clean up. They're totally independent too.