What Do I Do? Is He Being Selfish?

Becoming a mother does not mean you stop being a wife. You are putting him in the awful position of being in competition with his own child for a little bit of love from the woman he married. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", you will understand in the first chapter why you are wrong in this. He is not selfish to want to be thought of and loved, who doesn't want that. None of us want to feel like we come in last with those we love the most. Forget that you are also a wife, and it may not be long until you are no longer one.

Okay, so you point out a true fact that he does not address you in his letter of spilling "HIS" guts to you. But I think he is reaching out to you in his own way. I didn't see anything wrong with what he has stated and feel he is only trying to get you to make an attempt with him at spending more fun times together...what is wrong with that.

Having kids does not mean you can no longer sleep with your love. What would you do if he left you? Spend time and figure it out with someone else?

I will add that he states he doesn't like to spill his guts to other people and you posted it on a network. Sorry, but not nice.

I agree... take his letter off of here at your soonest opportunity.

Here are the main points as I read them:

- Doesn't like you sleeping in your 3yo son's room rather than with him
- Wonders if he's being selfish to want to spend more time with you
- Misses talking about your days while you watched TV together
- Admits his change in shedule (work) is creating stress on your relationship, but caveats it's for his family's financial well being (This is the one bit of selfishness/ego I'm reading in the letter)
- Enjoys time with you more than anything, but doesn't feel like your schedules can bend work wise to make more time
- Sex issue : 2-3 x/week >>> 1-3 x/month and feels like he enjoys and thinks about it more than you
- Stresses he is not blaming you, but says he never sees "us" sitting down and talking about your issues
- Feels you both need to quit relying on others for alone time & wants to start spending time together when your son is asleep
- Hates therapists... you can see one, but he is unwilling to
- Feels that the 2 of you can settle your problems between the 2 of you if the 2 of you can just start sitting down and talking/spending time with each other.

No.... I don't hear him at all saying anything about how you may feel... BUT I hear a lot of him WANTING to hear how you may feel from you yourself. I hear a lot of *I* statements, but they are one sided. As in he's telling you how he feels about these issues and wants to know how YOU feel about these issues and is reaching out for you / your help... As opposed to I want I want I want I want, I do this, this, this, this, this.... I'm reading I feel and think about this... I want to know what YOU feel and think about this.

The whole letter really boils down to a VERY long request to talk, and a highlight of the issues he wants to talk about with you... which gives you time to think about them/ frame your thoughts. I thought the letter was rather gentle & kind, actually... but I come from a rather abusive relationship... so I may be biased. Letters from my H include a LOT of "You, You, You, You, You," as he tells me my thoughts and feelings (mostly wrong... and "I, I, I, I, I," highlighting all the stuff he does and wants. Like "I work to make money & I get stressed out by ______and You need to do x, y, & z for me because I ________." LOTS of I always, and You never, kind of statements.

That is a truly wonderful letter from him. I wish my husband could communicate as well! Please take him seriously, he misses you. It sounds to me like you have become a mother first and a wife/girlfriend second. You NEED to be wife/girlfriend first, and mother 2nd. (not saying to ignore your son, but that is where he is on the priority list)

Get the book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and implement at least some of the principles in there and I guarantee YOU will be happy and HE will be happy and your son will be just fine (and yes, he's a big boy, he can learn to fall asleep by himself! When are you gonna stop- when he's heading to school??? My bro/sis in law have this problem too and I think it is silly that their boy can dictate to the parents what they do at bedtime.)

He is not presuming to know your feelings or tell you how you feel, he is telling you his side honestly, now it is your turn to tell you yours. Don't be defensive, think about it, put yourself in his shoes, and help him to see the view from your shoes (without blaming or resentment) and then work out how you two can both make it better. If it means the dog kennels gets cleaned at morning instead of night, if it means you two have to endure a week of cry-it-out (trust me, it really does get better after the 3rd or 4th night and then after maybe 5 days or so, you will wonder why you didn't do this before! You *have* to *not* give in though! It is tough that first 1-2 night!) to get Jake to go to sleep by himself (why not give him a special cuddy bear that has your & dad's love and hugs inside for him?)

You have a gem, take care of him! Polish that gem and take care of him so he can take care of you. Be the queen that you are, but you have to make him the king before you can be queen. (Otherwise you are just being the servant to a prince.)

He is not selfish at all.
Quite the contrary, it's hard for a man to expose his feelings and he does it with courage and honesty. He sees things need to be fixed in your relationships and wants to talk about them with you. Emailing them is a way to expose all his "side" without being interrupted and to have it stated clearly.
You have to find time to sit and talk to him, so that, face to face, each says what they feel, dream, wish, want... and find beginnings of solutions.
You're a lucky wife to have such a loving husband, able to write how much he misses you and how much he wants to connect again with you and talk to you.
He doesn't write about your feelings because he wants YOU to tell him about them, not to make them up.
Missing you or feeling he is second to your son doesn't mean that he doesn't love your son as much as you do.
I agree with other posts that being a mother comes second after being a wife, especially when the child is already 3.
And, you need to find time to date your husband again, a dinner out a month can help a lot in a relationship!
All the best to the 3 of you!

No, not selfish. Heartfelt.

You guys have some very seriously normal issues. You need to communicate better, find more adult time in your day, and reconnect. You should be glad that he is able to get his feelings across to you. You're lucky!

BUT, you really need to remove this post. If he ever found out you put this online he would be really hurt.

I don't see it as being selfish. I think you may FEEL that way because it's an email and you can't respond to it as your reading it. You need to sit down and talk together, and tell him how you feel. He even stated you two need to sit down and talk about the future, which will give you a chance to voice your feelings and emotions. Honestly, most men I know wouldn't take the time to write a letter like that, and I think it's great. The main sentence that stood out to me was "Realize I am not putting any blame solely on you and take responsibility for my own pitfalls..." that shows you right there he admits fault. He probably typed that knowing you would get emotional and wants to make it clear he's not blamming you. He wants to be with you, he wants to talk (which personally I think is the key to a good relationship). Good Luck.

I don't think he's being selfish. I think he's being honest. If more men could express this very common feeling of being "2nd fiddle" there would be less affairs, less divorce, less pain in married America!

He misses you. Plain and simple. Turn up the wife and turn down the mom. I know it's hard to shift gears like that but you can do it.

•Go on a date every week or at least every other week.
•Solve the sleep issue by teaching your son to fall asleep on his own.
•Give your S/O some undivided attention every day--even if it's 10 minutes.

It's a start! Enjoy your talk.

By the way, I bet he'd be REALLY pi**ed off if he knew you copied & pasted his inner feelings on an advice site!

Your SO used the term "we" for the vast majority of the email, which at least shows that he's committed to your marriage and making it work. His tone is one of genuine interest and love for you.

So I do think it's on you to do the work and meet him half way. If that means you need to stay up an hour later, or have a late dinner once a week...whatever. You need to make an effort as well, and it doesn't sound like you want to. It sounds like you feel overextended and that he doesn't realize how hard you work. It sounds to me like you're in your own head and don't want to see another point of view.

You need to remember that he is a man and he needs your attention as well. It doesn't have to be all about sex, but he's clearly stated that that is an issue for him. It's time to address it before things go south. He's reaching out to you. Don't leave him hanging. Marriage takes work, and this is one of those times where you have to put in the effort. You reap what you sew. Remember that.

I haven't read the other response and am probably repeating but here goes. This e-mail is not at all selfish! I almost wrote that in caps. I've dated plenty of selfish men, say 20 or so. My first marriage happened when I was in my early 40's. I can frequently recognize a selfish man from 10 feet the first time I see him when he thinks he's not being observed. lol Later, I discover I was correct.

I am still waiting for a man who can express his feelings as well as your husband expressed his. He is telling you, in a manner that leaves him open to pain, how he feels. He is saying he wants to know how you feel when he asks you "to work with him on this." He is asking for change but he is NOT telling you what to do except to work with him.

Now, it's your turn to be empathic to how he feels and share with him how you feel. Again, share how you feel without being defensive about what you are doing or ask him to do something specific. Just talk about feelings, his and yours. While you're talking accept his feelings and your own. Accept them as feelings only and not as a judgment of what either one of you have done. Then decide together, over time, how the two of you can make gradual changes that will benefit both of you.

The tone of this post makes me think that both of you are feeling unloved and perhaps abandoned by the other. Joy has gone out of your relationship. There are good books that describe how to have a satisfying and joyful marriage. I hope other moms will give you titles.

Later: T., I hope that you are feeling better about your husband's message after these responses. I am reminded that we didn't actually address the issue of him always using the word I. If you're not familiar with the non-judgmental way of discussing a subject by saying I feel this about this, I urge you to read up on it. When we describe how we feel and what we want we are owning our own feelings and not assuming or accusing the other of how they feel and think. This style of conversation is very freeing once we become comfortable using it. When we start telling the other person how they feel and/or what they should do we are putting them in a defensive position. They want to correct your assumptions.

Start out talking about how you feel. Give him a chance to respond with how he feels. They work together to find a way to change the situation so that you both feel better about that situation. Work on one situation at a time. Actively avoid the "kitchen sink."

There is a web site and a book about Non-violent Communication that may help you. I was turned off at first about the word non-violent. I'm not violent when I talk! It's not about violence as we think of it. Give it a look.

About removing this post. You can remove your question but you can't remove the answers. I'm glad you posted his words exactly as he said them because otherwise we wouldn't know what you are concerned about. You could have tried to summarize what he'd said but we'd have lost the flavor of who he is and a sense of what he was trying to tell you.

I think that you can remove his words and substitute a more brief summary. HOWEVER, that is continuing to do something that hinders trust. It is much, much better to be honest. Not to tell you you've written this but, if he does find it, to tell him why you wrote this and apologize for what you've done if he feels that you've betrayed his trust.

A point that we all missed is that he does say that you can share your feelings with a therapist. If this subject comes up, share with him the purpose of this site and how this is often the way people begin to understand and are able to decide whether or not a therapist could be helpful.

Also, we do not know him or you for that matter. This communication is private. Please to all of us. Treat all communication on this site in a sensitive way.

T.,

You got some excellent responses and I agree with them. Now you need to remove this posting and make sure your SO never finds out that you posted his heartfelt and personal message to you. I understand why you did it and it has really helped with the responses but... it is a real breach of his privacy and could really destroy the trust and confidence he has in you.

Good luck in your relationship, it will all work out well with a little bit of effort and compromise on both sides.

I think you may be feeling quite a few strong feelings about your relationship as well, so when reading his email you could only think about your plight and hardship.
Looking at it from my point of view though, and with only the info you gave me, I'd have to say his email was amazingly honest, open and full of hope. He WANTS to work things out with you and WANTS to love you and your son. Writing an email is sometimes so much easier for men because they can get out all they want to say without feeling stressed.
Try to understand that the two of you are communicating on different levels, and that he isn't saying you aren't going through anything- he's just plainly stating HIS emotions and feelings so that you can understand him and then the two of you can go from there.
He is not being selfish, he's opening his door to you. You can either take it and work with him, or watch your relationship crumble away further.
Good luck dear lady. Relationships aren't easy- but if you can keep trying and put a little more patience into it I think this union has a great chance to blossom and thrive. :)

From my own experience and talking to friends it is pretty common to have less time for one another and for a sex life once a baby is on the scene. I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old and sex is not a top priority most of the time for us either...but when we make time it helps us get along better, feel more connected and have a more positive attitude. I do think you two need to sit down and talk about what changes you can make (reflect on how you feel first and tell him). By 3 your son is probably a bit less demanding than as a baby. See what creative ideas you can find for some couple time. Get a babysitter a few times a month if you can afford it.

I wish every man could put his feelings out there like this all the time!!! He sent you this email telling you about how HE feels. Why and email?? Because he could put his feelings out on the table without you reacting to everything he says. You know what I mean too, how us women are. Play out his email in your head like it was a face to face conversation between the two of you.

No, he isn't being selfish, but in a way you are. I've learned a lot in my relationship with my daughter's father (8yrs long) and now my marriage to my husband (6yrs Nov). A relationship is a two way street. You have to give to get and sometimes you have to lower your expectations along the way. Your husband wants to spend more time with you and he says his change in work hours has taken some of that time away. And you falling asleep with your son has taken away even more time from him. Yes, it's just sleeping but have you ever been laying in bed and your husband roll over and snuggle up against you and you can feel him breath you in?? That is a little slice of heaven to a man to do that someone he loves!! Men are physical and visual creatures. They need touch, smell and the feel of us. Sex is just another way they get all of that from us too. Hubby and I used to be like rabbits too till after my 2nd child was born. Now he maybe gets it 1-2 times a week. Am I in the mood all the time? No. Do I still try sometimes? Yeah, and sometimes I get in the mood and enjoy it and sometimes I don't. Think of sex to him like air and food. They need it to survive!

If the house chores and working are too much for you, maybe you two need to sit down and reexamine the household for what needs to done, when and by whom. Call it a chore chart between the two of you if you will. Get your son involved too, it is his house and 3 is a great age to 'help' in his own way. Do house work together cause you'll be spending time with each other doing it. Maybe he doesn't dust the way you like but who cares! It got done and it was one less thing you had to tackle.
There are plenty of websites that offer tips on how to manage house work like flylady.com. Kraftfoods.com has a lot of 30 min easy meals to make or find some Crockpot meals you can prep at night, toss together in the AM and have dinner ready when you get home.

And validate his feelings he put out in his letter. Go to him and tell him what he said in your own words so you can make sure you understand what he is saying and feeling. No one is point fingers at the other and keep it that way. Marriage is a team effort and there is no 'I' in team.

Good luck and I hope to read a happy ending to your story :)

S.

No, he's not being selfish at all!!! You have made him feel second to your son. I think it's awesome he is expressing his honest feelings and concerns to you. I get the feeling he is having to compete for your attention. Instead of falling asleep with your son start falling as sleep with your S/O.

I didn't read what anyone else said. i may be way off base.
I applaud your husband.
WOW, i wish my husband would come to me with things that are bothering him. Instead he sits, and stews, and fights with me while I try and PRY it out of him.
Your husband is telling you what things are bothering him. He is letting you know that he misses his wife. Yes, he wants more sex, but he also wants YOU. In bed, talking, cuddling...his wife.
I say, this was really something great that he did, and that you should take advantage of the fact that he wants to talk about these things.
L.

Do you want Jake raised by both parents together? If so, the marriage comes first. I love my children more than life itself, but the most important thing to me is OUR FAMILY, which includes my relationship with my husband so we can maintain a close bond. Jake needs to be sleeping by himself and you need to go to bed with your husband. He is pouring his heart out to you and you have a whole book of excuses. We're all tired. Sex 3 times a week for 30-45 min each is NOT too much for him to ask. Marriage is work. If it was easy than half the people wouldn't be getting a divorce. You also have to relize that men don't think like women. He is explaining how HE feels, you can't expect him to "say how you may be feeling or how you imagine things." That's how you think, how women think, not how men think. He wants his wife back. And I'm afraid if you don't return to him, then he will leave (eventually).

Wow I don't think my husband would ever be able to write a letter like that, I love him to death but communication like this I only see in movies lol.
I don't think your husband is selfish, I think he is being honest and explaining his side of the issues. maybe that's why it might come across to you as selfish because is exposing only his side and at the same time he is not pointing fingers at you or saying you are the problem.
I think your husband misses you and yes as much as it hurts not to fall asleep with your baby boy, maybe you could cut it down to special treat of once a week?
regarding the other issues "As hard as it may seem I feel we need to quit relying on others to take care of him so that we an have some alone time and we need to sit down and find a time when he is asleep where we can be awake together and battle through all this"

I think he wants to have one parent at home? but that's a more complicated arrangement that you both should work out. I hope everythings turns out good, you are lucky to have such an eloquent man in your life,
Blessings,

I think you need time together.
Put the boy to bed in his bed. Do not lay with him. He is a big boy who can absolutely get to sleep on his own. It might take a few days to do it, but... its worth it.
You have had no time as a couple. You need to make time.
Get a babysitter and go out. OR leave Jake with a friend or family member for an afternoon.
Your S/O is feeling left out. I'm sure he doesn't know what to do to make it better. Is he involved with Jake? Have him do bath and bed time and you do laundry or dishes or whatever.
You need to divide and conquer so you can have an hour or two each evening.
YMMV
LBC

No, he doesn't sound selfish at all. You're lucky you have a man who is in touch with how he feels and realizes he shares responsibility in your marriage about to fall apart. It seems like you've both put your marriage on hold while you "parent'" your child. It's easy to do that, especially with your first child, who becomes your whole world for a while...trust me, we've all been there. But it's time to realize that while you'd give everything for your son, you shouldn't sacrifice your relationship with your husband. Your son will, one day, grow up and leave home to start his own adult life. Your husband, the one YOU chose to grow old with, will hopefully still be around. I can't tell you specifically what to do here because your schedules do sound pretty crazy. But I CAN tell you that the effort you and your husband put into holding together your family will be paid back tenfold. You said that, in your view, YOU'RE the one who's been trying to hold things together the last couple of years. Is it possible that your husband thinks it's been HIM holding things together the whole time and that YOU'RE pushing HIM away? It sounds like the two of you still want to be together, so you're already in a much stronger position than a lot of other couples. Sit with him, talk to him, try to figure out a way to spend time together without your son, and when you do, talk about things OTHER than your son. It'll take lots of effort at first, but it's obvious his feelings for you are deep and he truly wants you back as the woman he fell in love with and not just the mother of his child. Try emailing him back with your own heartfelt message, telling him how YOU feel, without blaming him. Sometimes it's easier to write things down than talking face to face. Good luck, I hope everything works out!

I think this email shows how much he loves you. He really opened himself up to you and he wants to make your relationship work and have a happy family.
I don't blame him one bit for wanting you to share a bed with all the time. You need to have a separate relationship with him that your son is not a part of, that is not selfish of him. You need to make it work as a couple for the family to work well and have a happy home environment. Maybe he is feeling second to your son, and that is a valid feeling, it does not mean he doesn't love him (he said " the one....we both cherish more than anything")
I would say write him back with how you are feeling, I think this is what he is looking for.
He is definitely trying to make it work with this letter to you.
I fully understand that at the end of the day many times the last thing on your mind is sex but men are "tuned" differently to us. Maybe he just does not understand what your day consists of and why you are so tired at the end and not very interested in the intimate side of things.
He opened up to you, try opening up to him.

I wish my other half could open up and be as honest and open about his feelings. He really sounds like he misses you and he's trying hard to express that. Not everyone is as eloquent with words or can always see the big picture. I think women are far better at that than men but the fact that he tried is awesome. Also, those are his feelings, coming from his point of view - just as you would express yourself if you could. Yes he did use the terms "I" and "me" but wouldn't you if you were expressing your own feelings? Please be as patient and understanding as you would be with your child. Just because he's a grown man doesn't mean he's any better at expressing feelings, but at least he's trying.

Just generalizing but some men in his position would have been far more selfish and looked outside the relationship for ways of meeting his needs. Again, you are lucky that he loves you so much to work it out - just my opinion though. I obviously do not know all the details and such. Good Luck!

no, he is not being selfish. i think this is a major problem in MANY relationships. you MUST nurture the relationships with your son's father, that is the BEST and most valuable gift you can give your son. your place to sleep is with your son's father, not with your son. start there, and other things may begin to fall in place.

HOW AWESOME!! Your S/O took time out of his day...A MAN NO LESS...and said look, I still want you, need you, love you and I feel like I'm losing you and don't know if I want to live like this and PLEASE HELP US make this better. How lucky you are.

Allot men these days see their missus tired and sleeping away and say well...it's easier to just have a little "sumthin" on the side and be done with it. Your's went through an explanation of how HE feels. And it really shows how important you and the relationship is to him.

Your son is 3 now. There's no reason why you can't start transitioning him to his OWN BED with you sleeping in yours. And it takes TWO to make a marriage go and he's saying he's willing to do his part to make an effort. That speaks volumes to me.

Firstly, I know you're tired. I have a full time job and a 3 yr old as well. Who, I might add is going through allot of sleep issues right now. It can be exhausting to be all things to all people, but you and your S/O have to work TOGETHER to make this work.

He isn't being selfish. He's being honest about what his needs are.

So write him back. Sometimes writing is a way to be TOTALLY honest without having to see the reaction which may hurt or cause a separate issue. Tell him what your needs are. Why you're so tired (sometimes men are in fact clueless) and see what happens from there.

Then one day...even tho you're beat down and dog tired...meet him at the door wearing a smile and little else (or what ever makes you comfortable) and let him know he's important...that the connection is important...that you're relationship is important. TRUST ME...it will do great things for your relationship.

Been there done this hun. I wish you nothing but good things.

Honestly, I think it sounds like a pretty reasonable email. He is being HONEST with you and talking about how he feels. Think how hard it must have been for him to articulate all of that? I think he tried very hard to not hurt your feelings.

If your son is 3, then yes, he needs to be sleeping in his OWN bed while you and daddy sleep in yours. It is not selfish for your husband to want to have a relationship with you that is SEPARATE from your relationship as parents. They are two sides of the same coin- but equally important to a happy marriage and a happy household for your children to grow up in.

He did say in his email that he was not blaming you. It is not his job to try and say how YOU may be feeling. YOU have to say that- communicate it to him. He is asking you to be a grown up and acknowledge that there are issues going on that you BOTH need to work on. You need to step up and do the same, work or no.

My husband and I both work full time- I know how hard it is to get home at 6 pm and try and get dinner made and my son off to scouts and walk the dogs and do the laundry, etc. But- all those chores will ALWAYS be there. You need to come up with a system to make it work- and not use that as an excuse for a lack of intimacy with your husband.

Talk with him about it! set up a 'date night' every other week. Put your son down to bed a half hour earlier and spend that time doing something with your spouse if he is home and if not, use the time to do something else and be ready to spend some time with him when he DOES get home.

He wants to have you with him in bed- that is a good, healthy thing! Your child will grow up patterning his relationships and concepts of family on what he sees in your home. Think about how this is for him. Do mommy and daddy share a 'grown-up' bed where he sometimes comes to them for snuggles and tickle fights? Or does mommy sleep with him while daddy sleeps alone? Which image do you really honestly, with no blame on either side, believe is the healthier one?

You guys can work this out! Just be as honest with your partner as he was with you and get your relationship back! You'll be happier, I promise! Good luck!

My opinion.....you should be counting your blessing that you have a man who is willing to put his feelings into words and tell you about it. I know men who have just up and found someone new or up and left without first addressing how they are feeling long before it got to the point to cheat or leave.

Also, his email is about him, not you. He does not need to comment on your feelings and how you imagine things. I would assume that you are quite capable of doing that on your own. Would you rather he write you an email about what YOU are and are not doing in the relationship and blame YOU for the problems and/or where the relationship had ended up? Please listen to him. He is calling out to you, he is asking for help with your relationship. I think it takes a lot for a man to admit his feelings and claim at least partial responsibility.

Although old, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus is a great book that maybe both of you could read together. There are also some other good books out there!

i don't see it as selfish. He is letting you know his side of things. I think it's great that he doesn't mention your feelings, as he doesn't know what they are. He is telling you his side of things, and asking to try and work everything out, and he wants to hear YOUR feelings, and what you want.

I think it's great that he is telling you how he feels, since most men won't. You could either write him back and tell him how you feel and what you think about it, or just pick a time and talk.

I can understand, as we went from having sex to about once a month if lucky lately. Having kids around makes things change, but you have to find that middle ground and know where the kids end and you and him stand. My husband and I used to have date night every sunday night. Even if it was just chinese takeout, and a movie at home. We haven't been doing that for a few months, and it has changed our relationship. We decided we need to start doing that more, and having his parents watch the kids on sundays. I bet it would help you guys out as well, to have one night a week if you could od it, but at least one night every other week, just you and him.

That is a thoughful, HONEST letter from your husband that you have there. You don't hear anything about you because this is a letter about him and how he's feeling. He wants to sit down and talk to you about how you're feeling so you'll get to voice your opinions and thoughts then. I really think that you're coming at this letter from a defensive point of view and missing the whole point! Your husband is lonely! Men need sex to feel loved. They're different from us in that way. And believe it or not, you need it too to feel connected to him as time wears on. If you go at it as a chore then of course you won't glean much from it but you need to remember why you married this man and what he needs from you. Marriage takes work and unfortunately when we have kids, taking care of our children is the more obvious need so we tend to ignore our spouses and spend all of our tiem and energy on the kids. But I promise you that will come back to bite you in the butt. You sound like you have a great guy. You need to take some time to keep him around because he's pouring his heart out to you and your only response is "how selfish is he?". That's not right. Take some time to think about him as a person and think about what he needs. Just because you become a father doesn't mean you stop being a man with your own needs.

Wow! What a fantastic letter from a man that seems to love you very very much! I only WISH my husband could be that articulate about how he feels.

I don't think he's being selfish at all! He genuinely wants to take time and talk with you (not to you..with you) about the issues in your marriage. It seems to me that he misses you and wants to be with you again. Honestly, I think it's rare that you're going to find a man that would be this open with you. It sounds to me like he is voicing some hard truths that maybe you don't really want to see.

I get that you're tired from working. I get that he's tired as well. But, honestly..it sounds like he's willing to give up a little sleep to spend time with you. I think you should do the same. It's difficult since you work opposite shifts, but you NEED to find the time to talk to each other. He's been very honest and very heartfelt. There's a lot of I and me because he's telling you how HE feels. He wants to know how YOU feel and I think if you were to write a response, you'd see how much of your letter is I and ME. Make the time. Talk to him. Spend some time. It will do your marriage a world of good. If the talk doesn't fix anything, perhaps it's time for both of you to think about seeing a counselor. It's not exactly spilling your innermost secrets. It's more about addressing the issues in your marriage.

Dear T.,
I think that he sounds reasonable and kind. You called him your S/O. Are you married? It sounds like you are living like you are with a child, but your terminology is odd for a married couple. If not, then it's hard to give advice to you, because my advice would be to a wife. For a wife, I would say that your husband has to be your top relationship responsibility above everyone and everything else. He is communicating to you in a way that he is able to do, in writing. He hasn't faulted you or called you names. He is telling you how he feels. It sounds like he has bruised your feelings a bit, but maybe that is only because you see your side so clearly. Listen to what he is telling you. Gently communicate back with him how you are feeling. Together you can come up with a solution that works for you both. It isn't just about him. He is trying to find a way to be closer to YOU. He feels distant and alone. He is telling you he feels single. I imagine he is struggling with this, or he wouldn't have told you. He has real needs. He is hoping you will help fulfill them. That is partly why people get married: to minister and serve the other. I so understand being tired. My youngest of 6 is 3. I understand tired. But, the children grow and move on to other things. Your spouse is there for the long term. Treat him like he matters.

He sounds like a typical guy who feels left out. Some might think it is selfish and in a way it is, but if it was you he was doing that to, you would feel how he feels. You need to let your child fall asleep on his own, he is old enough and capable at his age. You need to make time everynight yous are together to talk/have sex/whatever IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK!! Good luck!

For me and my husband - our relationship comes first. There is no family without he and I. I applaud your S/O for this letter and think that you are missing the point. He is not selfish - he misses you.

Well I agree with other responses that this great that he communicated to you, BUT I also could feel your anxiety as well. My son is 9 but had the same issue as you. I did eventually stop lying down with my son. I did this for me more than anyone. Taking care of a child, work, home is exhausting. To have my husband turn to me and want sex...forget it!!
This does cause tension in a relationship. When I got tired of the pleasing everyone else, I sat down with my husband and said, if you want me less tired then you, start doing 1/2 the chores! I work full time, I am the one worrying about school, athletics, meetings,fundraisers,bills so let's all pitch in and I will be less tired and irritated.
It works out great!!! I hate whiney men and men are whiners.....state the facts and hold them accountable. Sometimes my husband is to tired at the end of the day and doesn't want sex now......feel my pain!