Are You the Adulterer and Now Want a Divorce?

I totally understand......we typically think men associate sex with love. But there is a closeness and tenderness that you might only find with a soul-mate. And unfortunately there is a big difference between "roommate" and soul mate......
~married to my roommate.

Yup. A lot of people getting hurt over you getting your rocks off.

I'm sure the sex will be even hotter with the new guy as soon as you move in full time, share household responsibilities, pay bills together and introduce your children to him so you can all spend a lot of time bonding as a blended family.
Good Luck!

i don't understand, you've cheated repeatedly, seem to think it's okay, and now you are asking our opinion whether it's "ok" for you to want a divorce?

99% of people i know (including me) who have been cheated on would rather have been left. he wants to work on it only because he doesn't feel he deserves better. he does. leave him. you've been plenty enough selfish to start worrying about it now.

I will not judge you, my only opinion is...
"Don’t do what you don’t want others do to you"

I may be seriously wrong here, so by all means disregard my opinion if that's the case, but to me you sound really narcissistic. I don't mean it in a judgemental way, I mean REALLY nacissistic as in Naricissistic Personality Disorder...you don't seem to show any compassion at all for your husband or child, you seem to be ready to make a life altering (for all involved) decision based on something really variable such as physical attraction (something that gives you a high)...if I were in you, before ruining your life (and your child's) I would see a specialist and ask for an evaluation: you never know, it may actually help you find out things you didn't know about yourself. Just an idea.

Yes, you are selfish. I don't think you want a divorce for mostly sexual reasons..you had sex with other people in the past and didn't want a divorce then. The difference this time is your emotional involvement. The other ladies pretty much summed up everything I would say to you, so I won't repeat. But this same thing happened to my family, except it was my dad that cheated. One giant messy, colorful divorce later, family of 5 split up and dispersed over the entire country, and 10 years later to heal what was left; NO one has respect left for my dad. Not even the few family members that still talk to him. He married his last fling, and they are miserable and lonely.

Situations like these are always bigger than you think, and they have far more profound implications than you can possibly predict at this point in time. Especially for your daughter.

I have not read the other responses.. short on time..

My sister was the one that had the affair and then wanted the divorce.
She kept asking me what she should do..

I told her to sit down and make a list of reasons to stay with her husband and the children as a family.

And then to make a list of reasons to leave her husband and divorce him and share the kids.

Once she started to make up her mind, I had her write a plan for both lists so she would know exactly what it was going to take to make either choice work.

Then once she worked on that, I asked her.. Are you better with your husband or without?

Her husband begged her to stay, FINALLY agreed to go to marriage counseling (she had begged for years). PROMISED he would be more involved with the kids (he was for a few weeks). Promised he would quit siding with his parents on EVERY thing they told him to do.. Also TOLD his mother to back out of their business. (did not last long at all).

But by this time, my sister was done with the marriage. She did not love him. Did not respect him and said honestly, she could not stand to look at him.

She said she had "no strength or desire to put any more effort into this marriage."

They got a divorce and a few months later, her husband became very serious about a young woman and they got married. My sister had a FIT!
Oh My it was awful. She went crazy on them caused all sorts of chaos and ended up looking crazy.

I finally asked her.. "Isn't this what you wanted?" You wanted a divorce and you wanted your ex to quit pursuing you.. and now you are upset because he has found someone? Isn't it better for hi to be in a relationship and leave you alone?

This was one of the last times she and I ever had a real conversation..

Apparently if she did not want him,. she also did not want anyone else to have him.. FYI.. 6 months after she left her husband her boyfriend broke up with her. She dated a few more guys and it has now been 4 years and is dating a man who told her from the very beginning. I am NEVER getting married.. Guess what sister is always frustrated and angry about?

Yep, wants to at least live with him, but because she made such a big darn deal about her ex, having his girlfriend live in the house (the one he married) with the kids.. She now cannot live with this guy, without having to admit, she was being a crazy person from the beginning.

And so.. As I always say.. Follow your heart and brain. Be prepared for what may come and keep your children in mind. Make sure they know that you love them and this s a grown up thing.. TRY to keep their lives stable. They are your top priority, either way.. They deserve happy parents. They are always watching.. And I promise they know what is going on..

Hmmmm....I am not one to mince words.
You are a selfish selfish person. You are cheating on your spouse! He doesn't deserve that. You are PROUD of your bad behavior and you will not change your ways. YOu says this isn't the first time you have done it, like it's some kind of GOOD thing! I don't understand people like you. You don't want to try and make your marriage work, fine. But, don't drag your husband and family through your sordid bad decision making. Leave them and let them heal. So often we jump all over the man when he is cheating on his wife. We say, he will never change! Well, you don't even WANT to change.
I am curious WHY you think your husband can not sexually satisfy you. Just what are you doing with your lover that's so great that you can't do it with your husband?
You should have left him before you started up this affair. You will not be happy with this person if all he can do is sexually satisfy you. That is not enough to keep a relationship together.
It takes work and commitment...two things you obviously don't want to do.
L.

I just went through this exact situation, except that I was in your husband's position. Brand new house, 5 year old son, cheating husband 'in love" with his girlfriend.

Yes, you are selfish. Marriage is about a lot more than sex. You made a commitment to your husband and your family. I understand wanting out of a bad marriage, but that discussion should not come before, not after, you start a relationship with someone else. And, in my opinion, falling in love with someone outside your marriage isn't something that "unfortunately" just happens. It's a decision that you make to break your vow and abandon your family. Because, regardless of what the experts say, cheating and divorce isn't just between a husband and wife, it affects everyone in a family.

I do think that you should get divorced though, regardless of the reason. It's pretty obvious that you are no longer invested in your marriage/family and it will be better for them if they can just move on.

You know.... this can just be a continual "habit" of yours.
Leaving relationships because you are not sexually satisfied etc. And then getting involved with other men.
And after the initial excitement and "honeymoon" feelings are gone... and reality sets in... then what?
Do you just go and find another man?
Or work through your issues?

Because, it is either your issues. Or your partner's. Or both.

As you said, this is not the 1st time you cheated on him.
So, you already have... a vicious cycle of habitually cheating on a partner.
So.... you are responsible. For the cheating.
YOU, are responsible.

Don't blame it only on your Spouse.

Or if you have a sexual addiction, then you need to work that out, within yourself.

If you cannot be monogamous... then don't commit yourself to anyone.

Yes, this is selfish.
Self-serving more like.

And, I certainly HOPE you are REGULARLY getting checked out by a Doctor... for STD's. Of which, you can spread it to your Husband and all the partners you have had sex with.

You want a divorce, not because of the sex, but because, THIS time, you became EMOTIONALLY involved with the man you have an affair with.
That... is the risk you take as well, when you cheat. Even if it is just for sex reasons.

I don't see why on earth, your Husband would still want you.
You are making him suffer.
And greatly so.
And you don't seem to care.

And you have a 5 year old child.
She will lose a family.
And a Mom.

Your Husband would be better off, finding someone who really cares and loves him. A real life and partner.

Yes I would say you are selfish and I mean that in the most polite way as possible. However you husband CAN give you the things that you desire sexually you just have to TEACH him. Maybe try new things, There are classes, books, DVD'S toys. You have to want to fix it bad enough.

I agree with another poster. Make a list of all the things you love about your husband. All the things you fell in love with him for. Then make a list of the things you aren't so fond of. Which of those things can you two work on together and make a beautiful wonderful strong relationship together.

Almost everything can be worked through. Cheating on him thats a tough one. However I still say you can fix it if you truly desire it in your heart.

Being a woman, sometimes we get emotional and think we love someone or something but often our emotions aren't stable and can steer us wrong.
Clearly he loves you and wants it to work. WHY NOT TRY?

I belive that you are falling into lust with something and someone knew and might be bored in your marriage. Try to spice things up!

Know in your heart that you tried everything to make it work.... Make it work for you, for him and for your sweet daughters sake. TRY EVERYTHING.
Then in the end, if it doesn't work then you know you gave it your best.

As for the new guy, Kick him to the curb, change your phone number and email address and work on building your family.

I think you are trying to fill a void in your life. And you might need to do some deeper soul searching.

IF HE ISN'T MEETING YOUR NEEDS.. THEM HELP HIM... TEACH HIM.. GUIDE HIM... THATS WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT ; )

I once heard a psychologist on tv say that in order for someone to cheat on their spouse, they have to have a degree of narcisism because they don't care how their actions are hurting others. Don't make the mistake of underestimating the lasting hurt you are causing your family.
I would urge you to re-think the divorce and at least try councelling.
I truly wish you and your family the best.

Yes of course you are selfish. But it sounds like your husband deserves a chance to find the right woman and cheating is no example to make for your daughter. So of course you should get divorced. For the sake of your husband and child. You should seek counseling for yourself. Life isn't measured by degrees of sexual pleasure.

There are ALOT of very interesting, conversation-provoking, first-time posters around here lately.

How do you KNOW he can't give you what you "want?" Does he have a medical condition? Is there an emotional reason? Have you sought counseling for this? Have you been open with him? Have you given him a chance to get help? What is it that you want, that he can't give you. Is it even HIM, or YOU?

Are you selfish? If you've done nothing to improve you situation, and have instead run to other men...Yes. Yes, you are. (Even if you have worked on it, there is more then sex in life, so it does seem very selfish.) Not to mention the example you are setting for your child. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you asked.

As far as the other man. I'd be shocked if he loved you. This is how affairs work. Good men, aren't cheaters, or don't cheat with married women. And, they rarely stick around when the marriage is over. When they do, the relationships almost never last. Remember, what the relationship was based on. Sex. He has the best. A sex buddy, but no commitment to her. You are married. He owes you nothing. This is easy for him. If you get divorced, don't expect for this guy to be the man of your dreams. Remember, he is willing to break up a family and ruin lives.

Get some counseling and think of your child. She is more important then sex. Your sex life should come after your daughter. Is it? Probably not, if you're willing to uproot her entire life. THAT is what's most selfish of all. When you are old and sitting in your rocker, looking back at your life...what will you regret? Will you say. "Gee, I sure am glad I had that sex." Or will you say, "What the hell was I thinking?"

ETA: I hope you aren't leaving a couple days a week, so you can go have sex. That my dear, would be the epitome of selfish. (I hope it's for work, or something.)

Let's see. You are a married woman with a child running to other men for sex. You want to break up your family for some guy that you've been sneaking around with and will probably break up with once life together becomes mundane and you realize that HE isn't giving you what you "want" in the sack. All the while, not giving one thought to how all this will affect the one person who matters most, your daughter. Yeah, that's pretty selfish.

Yep! And Karma sucks! I wish you well!

No, you're selfish for having multiple affairs.

That said...be careful what you wish for. Everything is great in affair land, right? You have a chemistry with this guy, everything clicks, it all feels so right, like you are meant to be together...no one has ever made you feel like this...if you were married to him then everything would be sunshine and roses because you're so attracted to each other that you'd be intimate all the time and that would help you stay connected...he appreciates you, he values you, blah blah blah. It's all cliche. Everyone in an affair feels and says the exact same things. It's as predictable as teenage love.

Here's the thing - you divorce your husband, move in with Mr. Wonderful, your daughter splits her time between both parents and goes through all that upheaval...then your hormones calm down, you and Mr. Wonderful get to know the real versions of each other and you know what? He'll be just as boring and annoying as your husband, and you'll cheat on him, and you'll break up, and your daughter will get used to mommy's boyfriend of the month. Is that what you want? You can say that you're different, that what you have is "special," but you're not. You're like every other delusional cheating spouse out there.

Do you need to stick out your marriage? Sounds like your husband deserves better and would be better off without you, so that's probably going to happen. I would strongly caution you, though, about moving ahead in a "relationship" with your affair partner for a long, long time. Get legally divorced (6 months to a year in most states) THEN wait at least another year before considering moving in together or marrying him. Your relationship probably won't last that long, but at least your daughter won't have to worry about waking up to some strange guy in the house when she's with you.

I really hope that you straighten yourself out before you continue on this cycle of heartache and immaturity. As a mother, you have to choose better.

I am going to try and reign myself in and hope there is more to this story than you say.

But, yeah, sounds like you are only thinking of yourself. Honestly, I am surprised he even wants to bother working on your marriage. You carelessly tossed out that you had cheated on him before, and nothing that you have said makes it seem like you are sorry in the least.

So, in conclusion, maybe divorce is better here. He deserves better.

No.

You'd be selfish to string him along while still having affairs with other people. The least selfish/cowardly thing would have been to divorce him BEFORE having the affairs, but that ship has sailed.

Stop hurting him, and leave him, so he can find better instead of wasting his time with someone who is going to cheat on him.

The only one who suffers here is your daughter. She will never know what it is like to have an intact family life. :-( Very sad. Since your husband is willing, there is so much you can do with therapy. Can you try for your daughter?
We live in a self serving selfish world. It's hard to go against the grain.

I was the adulterer, back in the 1980s. I did want and did get a divorce. He did still love me and wanted to work on it. I did not. Luckily, we had no children. The divorce was inexpensive and quick, but still emotionally hard.

It is not for me or anyone here to judge your level of selfishness. It is up to you to decide what you want in your life and also how to take the best care of your daughter now and into the future. I personally believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship and of life and I would not be happy in a relationship that wasn't sexually fulfilling.

I did marry the man who I'd had the affair with. I raised his two children and then we had our own daughter. We were married for 17 years, together for 22 total, and now are divorced and cooperatively parenting our 10 year-old. Not all relationships that start as affairs go bad, not at all. Good luck to you!

BTW - Both my stepchildren (now adults) know that he and I had a long affair before we each divorced and moved in together. We love each other and I am "Grandma S." to their children. They have a closer relationship, and less traumatic one, with me than with their biological mother. Life is not black/white. We just do the best we can for those we care about.

It's sad that you even have to ask that question. It's an obvious one. YES! Of course you are selfish for it. But I am not even sure "selfish" quite covers it. And the fact that you dont appear to be sorry is really frightening. If you cared for your husband one TINY bit, then you wouldn't be asking this question, wouldn't have cheated several times, and continue to do what you want. You think what you have is love with this other guy, but what it really is, is sex. How sad that sex is all you need. Have you forgotten you have a child? Have you thought about how she might take all this? How she might feel about it?

Stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about how your actions are impacting ones in your life.

I'm confused on why you thought it was an OK thing to do in the first place. If you wanted out of the marriage, you should have ended that before you got involved with someone else. I have a feeling you will cheat again in your life so you need to stop and think about yourself and the examply you are teaching your own daughter. You are extremely selfish to your family, you've got a young daughter that isn't stupid and I'm sure knows what is up. You've got a big mess and years of therapy in my opinion. You've entered into an unhealthy relationship, plain and simple.

Cheating on one's spouse is, inherently, selfish.

Leaving your marriage - for whatever reason - might be the kindest thing you can do. At least then you won't be able to cheat on the same man a third time.

I do hope you'll consider how difficult this will be for your child, and how much she'll need the 100% participation/love/support/cooperation of both her parents to get her through it without emotional scars.

Yes, of course you're selfish. I had something much longer written out but you already realize everything I was going to say.

Do your husband a favor and at least attempt counseling and therapy both for your marriage and individually. Break up with your sleazy lover. Do this for your daughter's sake and your husband's sake. Do something selfless. If you leave your husband and break up your family then do it for the right reasons.

You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. The responsible thing to do would have been to talk with your husband and let him know you are unhappy in the marriage BEFORE you cheated. Then together you could have come to some decisions on equal footing.
I agree with another poster: if you do decide to leave, go live on your own for a while and figure out what you want from life. Unless going from one guy to the next for sex is really what you want from life. You'd be better off buying a really good dildo.

By what you described you are selfish.

"selfish |ˈselfi sh |
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. "

I don't mean that in a rude way, just in a matter-of-fact way.
I am wondering though... How do you KNOW your husband can't give you what you want sexually? I mean, is he physically incapable? Is it emotional? Did you try any form of therapy before you decided to have an affair? How long did you feel this way? Did you ever try to resolve the issue with you husband before cheating on him? So many questions... It doesn't really matter what we think though. You seem to have already made up your mind. I hope your husband and child make through this okay.

If you do get a divorce, I hope you will be kind enough to put your daughter first and let the father take care of her. She sure deserves better than this situation.

Yes - seek counseling.

Based on the information you've provided, I would answer "yes".
I hope you can someday explain to your adult daughter why you left her father...
Personally, I think you should kiss his feet for even wanting to work things out. Do you know how many men would have had your bags packed that day?
So, IF this is a real question, yes, it appears that you're being selfish.

Do you love your husband? If you do, then you owe it your marriage to try to make it work. If he doesn't satisfy you in bed, show him how to satisfy you. I had to work with my husband to show him how to satisfy me...just like he had to show me how to satisfy him. (I mean really, who goes into a new relationship and knows exactly what his/her partner wants right off the bat. Sure, we know the basics, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty and idiosyncrasies no one knows what the other wants immediately.)

If you've already checked out of the marriage, and you think that if you go to marriage counseling you'll sit there the whole time and think about this other guy you decided to pick up on the side, then get out now. But for the love of all that is holy, don't drag that little girl (your 5 year old) from one relationship directly into another. Don't even introduce him until you know for sure whether or not it's going to work and it's not just that this other guy enjoys the idea of screwing you then sending you off.

BTW, to answer your question "Am I selfish for wanting a divorce for mostly sexual reasons?" Yes.

I am sorry to say but.....YES!!!!! You are extremely selfish. What about your five year old? How are you going to explain your selfish desires to her and tell her that you broke the family up because of some guy who pleases you sexually? I have a very hard time with being neutral on this one. You owe it to your husband and your child to give 100% and try to make your marriage work and to get past the sexual stuff and do what it takes. But on the other hand, if your this type of woman...I (from your husband's perspective) wouldn't want you within a 10 foot pole of my daughter to influence her in any way. So, maybe its for the best if you leave and let him raise her properly.

Corey:

Welcome to mamapedia!! This is a big question!! I think I have more questions than answers.

1. Why can't your husband give you what you want sexually? i guess the question - CAN he or he won't?
2. You have cheated ONLY for sex or for other reasons?
3. What do YOU want from the marriage?
4. What do you want your daughter to get from this? this is not meant to guilt you - this is meant for you to realize this isn't just about YOU or your husband or the new man...this will affect your daughter. How do you want to be viewed in HER EYES? Do you think what you are doing is right or wrong in her eyes? Has she said anything about this? Especially if you leave for days at a time....

If your husband is willing to work on the marriage, does this other man know your husband wants to work it out?

I hope you realize that right now - the grass is greener with this other guy. Keep in mind that when the newness wears off? It might just be the same thing you are experiencing with your marriage.

Then you will have to deal with the doubts that will most likely linger in BOTH of your minds...
* his: you cheated with him...what will stop you from cheating ON him?
* yours: he slept with a married W. - what's to stop him from doing it again?

What does this guy have that your husband doesn't have?
Do you know enough about this guy to really give it all up?
Is he worth it to give it all up?

If you want a divorce for sexual reasons ONLY - I think it's a tad selfish. However, if your husband CANNOT provide what you seek sexually, but WANTS to...then I would talk about other options.

If he WILL NOT provide what you want sexually...then not so much selfish - but didn't you know this before you married him? If you were a virgin when you married - okay you didn't realize what you wanted.

This is tough for me. Really. I guess I have more questions than answers. Sorry if that's not helping you.

Yes, I think that the grass always looks greener until you get there. Think about the custody battle you will have to go through, not seeing your daughter all the time, not being able to tuck her in at bedtime everynight, kiss her goodnight or see her every morning. I have been through a divorce and my son was almost 5. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever gone though in my life. I am now married and have a step daughter and a son by my new husband. It turned out okay for me but not always the case. However no realtionship is perfect, and you will find faults in every relationship your in no matter what, but are you willing to get a divorce and put your kid through that pain all for sexual reasons???? I think its great your husband is wanting to work through this to keep your family together. The decision is yours alone, however I would think hard about splitting your family up just for sexual reasons.

It is difficult to comment with such a small amount of information. Is your husband a good father/husband in all other ways? If so then you leaving him because he cannot perform sexually is absurd. You should let your husband go, so he can find someone else.
You can't just run around willy nilly shagging all sorts of men while you are married. Not in the real world anyway. Thats how people end up murdered, or AIDS ridden.
This surely can't be a real question, from a real person. Can it?

Totally! You will regreat it very soon if you do it.

Unpopular answer coming - why don't you see if you can save your marriage AND have your boyfriend?

A lot of couples have thirds or are monogamish (Dan Savage word) which means they are married but agree to let one or the other have a side interest.

Is your hubby a bad guy otherwise? Is the sex with your new guy going to be amazing enough to weather time - or will it fade too? If it does (which it will) then where are you?

I personally would NEVER share my spouse (Sorry - those goods are for me only) but if your husband is open to it then who knows. PErhaps he is aware that he doesn't meet your needs sexually either and would be happy with this arrangement - good luck

Why can he sexually not give you what you want? This is an important question, that you need to think about honestly and truthfully.
As of right now, I feel bad for your husband because if he never sexually fulfilled you then why in the world did you marry him? I'm not going to go into the whole schmeal either that what you are doing is awful, Im sure you know.
Now putting your sexual wants aside, you need to think straight and think of how this is going to affect your child as well. She will find out one day what you did and might resent you for it. Your daughter will be affected by this GREATLY and you need to make sure that this is the best decision not only for you but her as well.
Does this guy you are cheating with , feel the same as you do? ? Is this a real love or the sex is so amazing that you lust him?
When it comes down to everything, sex although important is not the basis for a relationship at all!!!! Its important because it maintains that intimacy but what creates the best intimacy is true love. Knowing your partner will love you for better or worse, that when you are sick or dying that your partner will be by your side.

if you spent as much time working on your marriage and talking to your husband about your sexual desires as you do on cheating you wouldn't even be asking this question...much less hurting your child the way she will be hurt losing her family.

Yes. You are walking away from a husband and a child because you are not sexually satisfied. Seek out a marriage counselor or a sex therapist (yes, there are such people) and see if you can find out what is really driving your need to leave.

with J. those details I'd say yes, but you did't give very many details ad only you have walked in your shoes. I don't like judging people but you asked... If you had said you fell out of love and cheated and felt bad but still wanted to divorce my answer would be quite diferent, but only saying you want to divorce for physical gratification and turn your daughters life upside down does seem selfish. I also love that aspect of the relationship but that fades with age and also can be worked on.

I just love the way people are telling you that you can teach your husband how to satisfy you. If you've been together long enough to have a 5-year-old daughter, I'm guessing that you've tried that. Please know that divorce is hard on a child, even a child who is unhappy (my own 5-year-old daughter told me that she hated it when her dad came home). Since we've been divorced, my ex-husband lavishes her with all the attention he couldn't be bothered to give her when he and I were still married, and now she cries when she has to come home after their weekends and dinners out. I am a lot happier these days without his constant nitpicking and criticism and meanness, so I would never, ever go back to him, but it does hurt me to see my child so unhappy and missing her dad.

It seems like you know what you want and it's not him. As shitty as cheating is you did what most don't and that's fess up and ask for a divorce. How many men/women cheat and hide it? A ton. How many tell the other person they'll get divorced but don't have the guts (or just don't want to)? A lot more. You won't be doing your 5 year old any favors by keeping a home with someone you clearly don't want to be keeping a home with. You'll set much better of an example by giving her 2 homes with happy parents versus one home filled with resentment and no love. I do have to say that a lot of times we get the "grass is greener" feeling so just make sure that you realize what your life will be like without your husband, as a single mom and with a bunch of people knowing you cheated on your husband. If you are confident that he can't give you what you need sexually and that's really really important to you then I don't think you really have a choice... I'm answering based on the info you provided. You decided to marry him at one point so there was something about him that made you want to spend your life with him.. think about what happened, what fell off or wasn't quite what you imagined and if then you are still confident you want a divorce then you'll need one. Good luck.

Also, think about if this other man left you right now, would you still want a divorce? If the answer is yes then you're probably ready, if you are just leaving one man for another then you'll regret it. If you really want a divorce stop seeing the other guy, wrap up your divorce, get settled on your own independently THEN if the other guy is still waiting for you, you can deal with that then. That would be the responsible thing to do. Both for you and your daughter.

Apart from whether it's selfish or not.. consider this... if your main reason for divorcing someone and hooking up with another is primarily because your sexual needs aren't and are being met.. I don't know think it's a strong enough reason to divorce and moreover simply be with another person.... romance in a relationship comes and goes... you are having fun now, but at some point, you may grow bored with this new found love. What will you do then, leave him. Of course, you shouldn't stay in a marriage where you are not happy... but be honest with yourself... are you leaving your husband because of HIM or really, it's more to do with you.... blame only goes so far.. there must be other reasons to call it quits... consider ALL those reasons... and then make a decision... also, while I don't advocate people staying in a relationship where they are not happy.. I do always like to suggest that a person consider their children FIRST... you have a little one.... consider how your actions will affect her..

** PEOPLE PLEASE, MOM HERE IS ASKING FOR ADVICE, NOT JUDGMENT, DON'T HAVE ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY DON'T ANYTHING AT ALL!!!** Whether we agree or not with one what does or say we are here to help each other.

C.N.
I have read some responses, unfortunately I found most judgmental. I don't think it makes you selfish, it just makes you human. You have your physical needs, that you are right in pursuing first, however, that doesn't mean you should pursue them outside your marriage. Living with yourself is hard enough, and when there's two, there's a lot more work involved. It's not about having sex with other people, its about what's best for YOU!.
You are much more than just the sex you have, you are a wife, and a mom, and yourself, and although a pretty pleasurable part the sex is not dominant in your life at all.
Other posters have suggested you make a list of the things that you like about your partner. I say you make a list of the things that you like about your current life, and which are you willing to compromise for the sake of this new relationship you're in. Other posters have said this right, once you're out in the open, it won't be the same, and that is somehting very real, and you would be back into a routine, are you willing to fall into that routine with your new guy?
Think about it! I was cheated on, and it left a lot of hurt, and I tried to work it out, and he did too, but once we were back into our pattern again, he'd cheat again. One day he finally decided he was leaving me for the woman who is now his wife, they live together happily and I met and married my husband too. He may or may not be the one you are meant to be with, but you have to be real sure.
I do think you were selfish not letting your husband know you were involved with someone else before you got involved, and that is my last point, it will be very selfish of you if you do not think of those who will be affected by your decision, you don't need to sacrifice anything that you don't want to, but you do need to be very upfront and not play with them, because that will make you selfish.

Sorry for such a long post, I hope you find this helpful.

You will get all kinds of opinions because we are outside looking in. All I can say is have you put all that you can into your marriage?
I am sure it is worth a fight for your family.

Added: I would ask myself will sex last me a life time and is it that important to build on. It maybe, Im just sayin!

yes you are... sorry it's not what you want to hear, but it is the truth and you asked.

If you ever loved your husband, I would say that you should make an honest effort in both regular counseling & in sex counseling, because there might be ways to deal with what is missing in your needs/wants that he can learn to fulfill. But in the end, if that doesn't work, it's better to be honest and fair and call an end to it rather than keep hurting him.

Well, I'm sure there are a host of issues at work here, and none of us can really know most of them because we're strangers in cyber-space. However, did your husband ever satisfy you sexually? Weren't you attracted and satisfied enough sexually to marry him? Can you pinpoint when that ended or what caused it or what went wrong? I'm not one who thinks people should stay in marriages that are unhappy and fraught with problems, but I do believe in really giving it a true and decent try, especially if a child or children are involved. Why don't you think he can ever satisfy you sexually at this point? Do you require something he's not willing to do?

I know I have more questions than answers, but really sit down and think about several things -have you and your husband been to counseling -really been for awhile and tried to work it out? Discussed the sex with a counselor and worked on it? If you divorce him, does the person you say you're in love with want to be with you all the time? Is he (or she -if you've realized you're a lesbian, then this is a different issue) in love with you and wanting what you want? Often the "other person" is enjoying the relatively unfettered status of being someone's affair. If you've tried everything and cannot be happy with your husband, then divorce him, but if you haven't tried to make it work -at least give it a go before walking out.

Hate to say it, but that is pretty selfish. Sex is something you can work on. It was wrong to cheat on him more than once and continue an affair without trying to work your problems out first. Now your husband and child will suffer. Not cool. I am not perfect by any means, I have cheated on my husband a couple times, but I told him about it and we worked it out. Now our sex life is great, as is our relationship. You married him for a reason, please don't just walk away! It is not fair to him or your daughter.

Is the boyfriend married? It sounds like you already left your husband. If you have someone that cares enough about you to try to work it our I personally would stay.

Yes! Believe me you don't want to do this to your child. You made a commitment to God, your spouse, and then your child to live a life together. My husband had an affair and walked away...his new relationship didn't last (they rarely do) because they hurt so many people. My children 4 and 6 hurt so very much ...still 2 years later. They blame themselves. They cry at night wanting a family. They say they miss me when they are with dad and miss dad when they are with me. It's awfuL!!!! As a parent and a wife you have responsibilities and I believe God blesses you when you honor those promises. DON"T DO IT! I am praying for you. I know it's awful to be in a marriage that isn't satisfying but it is worse on the other side. Selfishness hurts everyone around you.

Lady, you don't appreciate NOTHING.

Well, sex is a critical component of any marriage. And if that component is not making you happy, then you clearly have a big problem.
Because a marriage without sex is just being roomates. (barring special circumstances...)

Are you selfish? Yes. But that's one of the things that you're SUPPOSED to be selfish about, IMO.

And like what someone else posted, just be prepared to explain to your daughter why you left when she's an adult. She's learning from you heavily at this time. So be careful how you handle it.