Husband Told Me That He Doesn't Know If He Wants to Be with Me Anymore

I'm so sorry for you, this is a very tough place. I agree that if he's saying he is feeling depressed, maybe he truly is. It also sounds as if he's willing to try and talk to doctors, etc. to make it work?? I would send him to his doctor first to see if he is depressed and possibly needs meds. Then I would set up some time with a marriage counselor. My kids are very close in age too and it can be really hard when they're both so little. Possibly it could be that he's so wrapped up in the kids and the "kid life" that it's hard for him to see you as his wife right now. Hang in there. The good news sounds like maybe he's willing to work at it and talk to someone. I hope you can make it work.

I also think that counciling should be the first step for the both of you, or even him alone. If he IS depressed, the therapist can recommend a doctor who can diagnose and prescribe medication.
Having little (little) kids is tough. It's exhausting, confusing and frustrating at times. It can make anyone have an identity crises. This is NOT abnormal. Lots of couples go through it when they begin to have a family.
Good luck to you.

You have some great responses here! I would advise you to share these posts with your husband. If he truly is confused and it isn't another woman, it may help him to see the support you are getting and both of you are getting to fight for your marriage. Just a thought...

Most every couple goes through this especially when the kids are very young. Right now your main focus is on the kids, which is normal, you need to try to shift some of that attention to each other. I've been married for over 15 years and there have certainly been times we were just friends, but it is cyclical like everything else in life. If he is expecting butterflies and excitement all of the time, he will be sorely disappointed with every relationship he has whether it is with you or another woman.

A piece of advice my Granni gave me was a harsh reality but it holds true - You should always put your marriage first, yes even before the kids. You and your husband were here before the kids and you and your husband will be there after the kids leave the house. That doesn't mean your kids are second class citizens but it is a way to role model marriage and relationships for your children. This will teach them the importance of marriage and the commitment two people make when they take their vows. I thought it was rude at first, I wasn't married at the time and I was a selfish college student when she told me this, but now that I am married I totally get it!

Good luck, I am sending positive thoughts your way!

I am moved to respond because I see some anti-male sentiment. Your husband's feelings are just as important as yours - but men and women ARE different. When your husband says, "I feel like we are more like friends than husband and wife" that means: "I don't feel loved without adequate intimacy." To be blunt, he needs more sex. He is not depressed, he is just sad about the current situation which is perfectly normal. Since a barrier has been built between you, may I make a specific suggestion on how to break it? In an effort to bolster marriage, one pastor last year had a 7-D. sex challenge. Can you invite your husband to take the challenge with you? It will take a little effort to get going but I can almost promise you he won't feel like "just friends" at the end of the week. Good luck!
p.s. Here's a brief clip of the challenge. (Not my church but I have heard similar messages from pastors before concerned about divorce in congregation).http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCPjVcXrH34

And remember to only take marital advice from wives with happy husbands!

First of all allow me to applaud your husband by letting you know how he truly feels. That's a very brave, brave step that he took. Although your world spinned around in those 5 minutes over a million times. Stop, think and think rational. Let me share to you my story and maybe it will help you. When we had our first son, I completely ignored my husband and his needs. At 16 months my husband asked me for a divorce. For the same reasons. This doesn't feel like love and he was very honest with me. I asked him if we can separate first and try counceling. We dropped off my son on a Friday night at my moms (who until 6 months ago had no idea what was going on) and we stayed home alone. We talked all weekend long. I cried, he cried. We decided to seek counseling however we went to a priest instead of a Marriage Counselor. We were there for 6 weeks three times a night. I found out things I didn't know my husband did or was feeling. He found out things that he didn't know I did or my feelings. I had a dark childhood growing up. My mom was never there for me. I made sure I put my kids first. It was the reason we went sour. We had homework to do. We had to visit a sex store, he had to cook for me, he had to become a mom and i had to become a dad. He got to see our life in my eyes and I got to see our life in his eyes. What we first had when we got married was all taken away because of selfishness. It took a lot of hard work for him and I to fall in love again. That was 5 years ago and two kids later :) - you can't give up the moment you feel you're going to fall. You have to work very hard at it and so does he. But you might need to give up more than what you think you already have to ease his mind that you do love him and that you are in love with him. Don't stop trying! I never told my mom what we went through until probably 6 months ago. I didn't want any one to know. I didn't want to be by myself either but I knew the more the people know the more negative reaction and advice you're going to receive. The best advice and the best thing I'd ever done for our marriage is kept it quiet and work at it hard and we are stronger than ever. We have our moments we fought three times this weekend. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and hormonaly and very bitchy but I don't go to sleep without explaining myself or without him explaining himself. You have a lot of woman on this site to vent to to cry to and to give your opinions or tell us how you feel. My advice use us because the moment you get friends and family involved you might end up doing something you will regret. Good luck and I hope all works out well. Message me any time.

We have been married 22 years and there have been stretches of time when we are more like lovers and others when we are more like friends. When our kids were as small as yours there were certainly long periods when we lived as friends until one of us felt something was missing and brought it up. Tell him that all couples go through up and down phases and that the time when you are sleep deprived (and perhaps depressed) is probably NOT the best time to make life changing decisions. You need to talk with him and perhaps the aid of a counselor or clergy to guide your discussions to keep them on track. What always worked for me and my husband is to make a pro/con list. Sometimes the best way is to each make a pros and cons list and use that as a starting point for discussion. One of the pros of staying together would certainly be for the kids, even if you live like friends for a while. It will also give you both time to step back from the pain you are feeling right now and see if you can add some fun. What did you used to do before kids that made you connect? Maybe get a babysitter and do that again. I wish you all the best,

How old is he?
Perhaps he's having a tad of an identity crises?
Thankfully though... he has told you how he feels...and is in a way reaching out to you... and yes, he may be depressed.
He can go and see his Doctor...

**Adding This: at one time, my Husband told me something similar... he was going through a sort of 'age crises' and identity thing... man type issues, ie: who am I, where is my life going, how do I stack up against other successful men, am I doing what I REALLY love, is my life exciting, etc. etc. etc.
My Husband said his life was boring, that I was boring etc. and we're like room-mates. Similar to your Husband.
But well, I knew him better than he knew himself... and I knew his was an age/identity crises. Which it was and he goes through now and then. But so he realizes that now... and in the meantime, he knows... that I am his 'rock' and he said so... that 'love' is not all like a honeymoon... nor like a constant. It ebbs and flows in DIFFERENT ways.... per age, per maturity, per life's problems and changes etc. But if a person cannot change and flex with it... then they stagnate... which is a great fear in many men, or women. And thus, they flee, or think it.
Anyway... who knows about your Husband.. but keep communication open... and I think, he does need you... but he is troubled right now...

This had to be hard to hear and very upsetting, but I think you should be glad that he told you how he feels. Men have a hard time doing that sometimes.
You have a 6 month old and a 3 year old, you know yourself that you get tired and the hub-bub of daily life tends to take over.
I think you and your husband just need to reconnect. Make it a little more about the two of you first. I know couples who have split up because (and I'm sorry to say) the wives were so in love with their kids or so protective that they wouldn't leave the kids with a babysitter even for a few hours let alone get away for a night or weekend just them and their husband.
I know one couple...the wife would not have sex at all with the kids in the house, which was 24/7, and in fact, slept in the kids room. The husband confided in me. He said, "I didn't get married so I could be celibate for at least 18 years".
I think couples have to remember that without them taking care of the marriage and each other and putting themselves first, the entire family can suffer.
I think you and your husband should find a good counselor so you can both talk your feelings out. He told you how he feels and now you have feelings about it. You have to be able to communicate! Sometimes it takes a while to learn that skill along with listening without freaking out.

I think your marriage can definitely be saved, you just need to put it first right now. Get back on solid ground. Rediscover your love for each other.

Best wishes!

Something tells me there is more to this and I believe there is someone else. I hate to say that but I have seen this so many times, if he says he doesn't know what's broken therefore he doesn't know how to fix it. Then how does he know something is not right?? If nothing is broke there is nothing to fix?? He probably is depressed and sad because managing 2 women is alot of work, and alot of work can tire a person out till there depressed. My heart goes out to you and your children I wish you strength, grace, and courage to find the truth and make the right decision.

Hi J.,

While reading this, my first questions to you was going to be is your husband depressed? Depression shows it's self in so many ways, and one is unsure about your life path.

I would talk to your husband about going to see his doctor or a Psychiatrist to get properly evaluated for depressions, (the psychiatrist is more qualified). I would also talk to him about the changes in the family has made it difficult to focus on the two of you as you use to, and that you think it's important for you both to try to reconnect.

I agree couples therapy and date nights are a must. When couples have kids they stop being husband & wife and turn into Mom & Dad. It's hard to remember that you must nurture your relationship as much as you nurture your children.

But definitely have him see a doctor about his possible depression.

R. Magby

OK, IF this is not a smokescreen for an affair (not saying it is, but very few men have made a definitive choice without a "reason") then you need to THANK HIM for his rare honesty and candor.

So many men wouldn't say anything. Tell him the truth, this has caught you completely off guard, and you had no idea. You agree things have gotten "friendly" but thought you had BOTH fallen into the comfortable rut-since this is a two way street. Ask him if you can have a date where he just tells you everything he feels is wrong, holding nothing back, and you just LISTEN. Try not to respond then other than understanding, and then take time to yourself to regroup afterwords. Digest the reasons he gives. See if you think it's something you can handle, and try.

Ask him to let you try to work it out with him for X amount of time. Remind him your youngest is 6 months old, which is fair reason for you not to be a Hollywood dominatrix glamor puss good time party girl vixen. I am just now getting back to my old self with our youngest being 1 year old-and I still need work mentally and physically! But don't be combative, really let him have his say and encourage honesty.

With the kids to consider, he owes you at least 6 months to a year to show you can both be happy with some major changes-or not. Unless he has something else cooked up, he's got no reason to deny you that. Best wishes to you in this-I have an unconventional book that could really help you if you want it, and I agree with Denise P, get Fireproof, it's really good. There may be a lot of work to do here, but all is not lost yet.

If he's depressed and feeling lost about this, you may need some help. You could go to a bookstore or library to start with if he doesn't feel counseling is an option right now. A new baby often leaves Dad feeling left out and unappreciated. At least he's talking about his feelings, which is a good sign, even though he's saying things you don't like. Remind him that relationships are built on friendship, not that giddy feeling we have in the beginning. You made vows for better or worse, and this is a time of transition, so it's hard for everyone.You're tired, your firstborn is being pushed to be a big sibling, and hubby is feeling the pressure of another responsibility, not to mention less of your personal time. All things you can work on. Don't give up, and don't let things slide. The emphasis has to be on your marriage as a partnership first, and parents second. Then you can be parents together. I think we get so focused on our kids and what they need, that we forget that our needs are important, too. We have to take care of our relationship with our spouse so we can be good parents by providing a loving and secure home. (Remind him that the most romantic thing he can do is help around the house and with the kids! That gives you more time to focus on him!)

Act now! Your marriage can be saved.
1. Find a good couples/marriage counselor preferably a man to help your husband feel more open (this is what i did).
2.Be open and understanding during the sessions.
3.Get a sitter and have a date night.
4. Never let the spark go out. Upon his arrival at home a kiss and hug helps.
5. Spice it up in the bedroom ( i know your tired, but once a week is a step).
6. Remember what you love and like about each other.
etc.

You two can do it. Have faith, be strong, loving and supportive. It worked for us, we renewed our vows and have been going strong for years. You can do it.

I think it is a very positive step that he opened up and told you. I would try marriage counseling. Be very open and honest and express that a good, strong marriage always starts out as friends. It is easy to get into "the comfort zone," A date night is a wonderful step and you can go and act carefree again. Have sex in the car like teenagers do. Have fun together. Spend time together. Laugh! Use lots of creativity in the bedroom. Enjoy each other. If things don't work out don't beat yourself up because it does take two but give it your best shot first.

Give him more loving and sex. Have someone babysit the kids if you can for a day, hour, or so. Go watch a movie together. Don't complain about the kids and/or finances. You seem to have a wonderful husband and do NOT let anything come in your thoughts about divorce before it is warranted- sometimes we just have to work out a relationship - Men have right to their feelings too and it's nice he felt the need to talk to you about it. While you are working on it, see if there are any hidden signs of why he would be depressed. Let's hope it's a legitimate feeling and not a "sorry" feeling leading up to something else he wants to do or have done.

Date nights are huge! There are many times when relationships go up and down. It's hard when you have two little ones. You get in to a routine and it is the same thing, the same way, day in and day out. Every week you should have one night that you go out. If it's just to the show, just to dinner anything so long as it's just the two of you. It's also fun to add in a night now and then to spend with other couples. Going to a concert or just going out to a bar and hanging out like you did when you were dating. You wouldn't believe the difference just a date will make. When you have small kids sometimes you feel stuck (not that you don't love your kids) being just mom and dad. I'm sure you are a young couple and you need to keep some of that young attitude (without going overboard). Not sure if you are sport active people but maybe joining a co-ed volleyball, baseball or bowling league might be something for you guys to do together. Bottom line..get out of the house, without the kids, and go have some fun together! Without really knowing whats going on, no one on this site can give you the answer for everything...counceling is probably a very important step for both of you. If he is not sure that he wants to go to counceling..you two need to talk, and I mean really talk about what is going on. Make a list..what you love about your relationship and what you don't love. I would bet you need more alone time. Good Luck!

You need to have a date night. Remember you were lovers before you were parents. You need to keep that alive or else something like this will happen. I'm truly sorry this is happening!

Rent and watch the movie Fireproof on your first date night!
Of course, this can be fixed. Too many people think that they're not in love anymore when the "butterflies" die down and the realities of the life of grind with kids begins......sorry you're going through this.

It is hard when you have small children. I remember just a couple of years ago we felt the same way, but now the girls are a little older (4 and 5) and we are taking time for us again. It is great. I wish we had done so sooner. Date nights, pay for a sitter if you have to, but take the time. I have not read all the responses but pray that you will pursue counseling with or without him......

Just remember that this time will pass and life won't be all about diapers, nap schedules and seeing each other worn out all the time. A wife has a lot of influence, so I would be cautious with my words, and pray continuously. Prayer changes things!!!

Watch Fireproof, take the love dare. Love him! Read the book the 5 love languages, perhaps you are not speaking his. There are, after all, 5...
Acts of Service (other person doing a chore, bringing b-fast in bed, cooking dinner, changing diaper, etc)
Words of Affermation (You look so great! This meal is wonderful! I love this or that about you... etc, but it has to be really felt)
Physicall touch (ok, yes martial relations, but also a pat on the shoulder, a quick kiss, hand holding etc.) Quality time (NOT including sitting blankly watching a movie, but giving one another 100% of attention, talking, rollerblading, eating, walks, etc.)
Gifts (writing little love letters, buying random MEANINGFUL surprises, picking flowers to give, etc. not a bribarty thing, but an "I thought of you" thing)
The book goes way more into detail.
I'll pray for you!

OH this could be jealousy from him about the kids, definatly carve time out together! Even if it is a few hours after kids go to bed.

Hang in there it sounds like you know what to do. Counseling sure cant hurt, sounds like you should give that a try first then go from there.good luck and happy birthday to your little one.

Try watching the movie Fireproof together and doing The Love Dare...

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you have heard the addage that love is an act, not a feeling. You decide to love. Loving someone is putting them before yourself. It is a decision that you make. I want to highly, highly recommend that the two of you get the Love and Respect Conference DVDs and watch them together. http://loveandrespect.com/store/ They are expensive ($145), but they are so worth it. Not only will he learn what it means to love you, you will learn what it means to respect him. Both are equally important in a marriage. Do you show and tell your husband how much you respect him? In our society, it's all about the love. But, just as we think it is important and critical that our husbands love us, it is just as much so that we tell them and demonstrate to them that we respect them. We are a feminized culture, so we just never learn this. If he were to say to you, I respect you, but I don't love you, that would be so hurtful. If you said to him, I love you, but don't respect you, that is just as damaging to him! It's the same thing to him as the love is to us. I pray that the two of you will work out your marriage together. Your children need you together. You need you together. Are you in a church? If so, please go talk to your pastor or an elder that you trust. They can pray for you and counsel you. Again, I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you really do need date nights. Most of our date nights are in. They are a lot of fun. You can cook a late dinner after the kids are in bed. Have a glass of wine together and make it fun. Sometimes my husband and i take a bath together, play cards, sit on the porch... anything that is just us. When we are really in desperate need we go somewhere for one night. Bed and breakfasts are so romantic :) Just one night (without kids) can really rekindle the flame. I am sorry for you. I do think you can get this back. It sounds like you both still love each other very much. It is so easy to fall into the comfortable, boring routine. As long as you still have fun together it should be okay.

It sound like you're in a very tough spot that many of us can relate too. I think what your husband is feeling is a lack of attention and he is probably missing some of the things he had free access to, before kids.

Kids, esp very young ones, change everything, and become the primary focus of attention from both parties. Before you could focus on each other, your hobbies, interests, etc. Kids really take all that away. Not trying to bash kids, yes they are wonderful, but its tough to come home after a long day of work to needy kids, and then if you have a free moment, to tend to general stuff thet needs to get done like bills, housework, the lawn, etc. Its so easy to become emotionally distant. Plus, once you have kids, many times, friends disapear: Going out with the boys or girls usually becomes infrequent if still happens at all, so that emotinal support goes away as well.

The problem then becomes trying to be strong enough to keep your own emotions in check. It's really tough to do, we all need some one to pick us up sometimes. It really becomes a problem when emotional needs drive us to do regretfull things like becoming more selfish, resenting the other, cheating, etc.

I think you relly need to talk more to find out what the other needs and wants. Counsiling may have to happen, and soon. Date nights can help, but you may want to find if you need other types of support. Nights out with friends, time to be able to do a hobby or something fun. Communication is a must, don't give up, keep talking, you can figure this out if you both truly want to. Best of luck!

This is common. Especially when kids are young and you focus on them. Him telling you is BIG. Find a good christian councilor. Try to make time to spend with just him. And let me tell you me saying that is like the pot calling the kettle black. I need to do the same thing. Try to have a date night. Even if its at home after the kids are in bed. Make him a special desert and watch a movie if nothing else. And I am not talking about just for sex either. You need that but that's not all you need. Good luck and God Bless!!

I have 3 small children and my husband has told me on several occassions through out our marriage that he feels we are roomates and not a couple. Those words hurt and scare me. I love my husband. I also acknowledge that being a full time SAHM of three small children (3yr, 2yr, 5m) can consume my daily life. I often feel like I'm juggling all the characters and responsibilites that I am in this life, and I'm not doing it the way I'd like to be. The time my hubby and I end up sharing is at the end of our day. My husband is tired from work and I'm tired from my full day. I try and be considerate of him and what he goes through each day and he does the same. Sex is usually a planned event, and to be honest, I rarely feel like the sexy intimate wife I'd like to be. I have to make an effort to think about intimacy and find opportunities to express my love physically for him when I'm around him; give him hugs and kisses, hold his hand, tell him i'm thinking of him/ love him. I spend most of my days on a "mission", task minded from one thing to the next. Fortunate for me, my husband is willing to communicate and is understanding that thing don't change instantly, they take effort and team work. We both work daily at staying connected as a couple and we don't always succeed. Sometimes an arguement, or a big huge, or an emotional out-pour will bring us back together. We seldom get time to ourselves away from the kids when we are fresh, not even once a month. Our situation doesn't include affordable options for child-care and we have few loved ones who can handle the kids. We have to spread them out to be watched and our kids are very well behaved. My advice to you based on what is working with us is;
Pray and seek Scripture that concerns marriage, love, self-control, and child rearing. God knows what we want and what's best for you and everyone involved. I often pray that he'll help me make the right choices to bring everyone in our life happiness. Honestly, reading a chapter in Proverbs every day (my hubby and I both do this) is awsome. There are 31 proverbs so a chapter for each day of the month+. Doing it together helps connect us in the most powerful way- through God.
Don't keep things that upset you about eachother to yourselves. Often times our talks go better than I hope and even if we end up fighting we eventually work it out and are connected agian. Keep in mind that you are a team and that you need to focus on attacking the problem and NOT eachother.
Make sacrifices. Often times, I find myself listening when i don't want to or doing things that I'd rather not be doing; him telling me about a computer program he's working on or me laying down and cuddling with him when there are household thing pressing on my mind. I have to way what is more important, changing the laundry or making my husband feel loved...my husband wins. After I decide that then my heart and mind soften and I can invest and enjoy the moment for what it is. Making my husband feel loved and important is top priority next to God. Often times he recipricates and I like thinking it's because I'm being a good example, no explanations needed. Giving happiness is recieving happiness.
Work on finding time to focus only on eachother (this is challanging) and don't count out morning time before the kids are awake. This means going to bed earlier, which we struggle with, but I'd rather spend time with my husband or by myself when i'm fresh as opposed to after I'm worn out from a day.
A resource that I have yet to use is a book called the Love Dare. It's from a Christian source and related to a Christian movie called Fireproof. I recommend watching the movie it's good and it's encouraging and may help you! There's also a website; www.fireproofthemovie.com.
When in doubt Google, seek advice, but don't use your own judgment, rely on God's understanding- what would He want you to do based on scripture. Feelings are deciving and often selfish, God is neither of those things.
We are not you, but I hope some of this will help you to feel less isolated as a wife and mother and possibly inspire positive thought that will help. If you need to talk please email me. I know I find myself needing to vent and seeking to connect with other women in my position. Thoughts and prayers, may God bless you.~Chell

We went through this exact thing when my oldest was 3. We had totally put our marriage on a back burner because we were so into being parents. Counseling helps. If he doesn't want to go ask him to go for you. I've known men who say they will go to help their wives through it, but they didn't expect to change their minds. Thank God my husband did. We didn't use a christian counselor, but if we ever go back I would like to. Either way, you both owe it to your marriage and your kids to try everything. Your marriage will be stronger if you make it past this obstacle. The fact that he is talking to you about it is a good sign. Good luck!

Pray baby pray! God is the answer!

Hi J.,
It is sad but still you can do something about it, and it's a very good sign that he tells you the way he feels. In first place by saying this to you, it shows that he doesn't want to feel that way. There are many reasons why he feels that way: biological, psychological or just a phase which happens in different ways to all couples with little kids at some point in their marriage.
Being a parent takes a lot of your time, efforts, money, yourself ..everything and the time flies. There is a possibility that he needs more from you now. He misses you like a woman and probably he doesn't know that himself. He misses his time with you, either like lovers or just hanging out or cuddling a little bit more; he may need your attention and your company not just like the mom of his kids but as his wife. He probably misses those times where it was just the two of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his kids, not at all, I am sure he adores them.However, there are times in marriage where the man and the woman need to be alone and enjoy their time together. It would be very nice of you for now listen to him and hug him. Tell him you will be there for him to help him to overcome this difficult situation. Try not to be mad or angry or too sad. Show him that there IS a solution. If you have relatives or grandparents who may want to help you and stay with the kids for at least one night, it would be very good chance for both of you to go out, and spend some time together (either a romantic hotel or a dinner in a nice place or just a walk somewhere,etc)
It is very difficult to put aside parenting from marriage itself, but always it is very important to do it. I mean, mom is mom and wife. It helps to keep balance in the whole family, we need each other in the family, it's a love chain, as I call it, where we have to dedicate our being to each of the members in our family.It is hard, but not impossible, and the results are marvelous! I learned that after being SO dedicated to my children , after being a great mom (as my friends and relatives would say), but I broke the balance: I forget to nurture and feed (I don't mean food or cooking stuff!)my husband; I didn't give him attention, many hugs and kisses, a romantic and passionate night, or just a warm touch. he was starving these things and he told me, several things happened and I opened my eyes and it was a great moment to realize about it. Just in time! I woke up!
Now, even without babysitter (I cannot find anyone!) we make all efforts to have time alone, to hold our hands and watch a movie, to share HIS things as well, to talk, to seduce each other, to say nice things each other, to help each other, to stop in the middle of the day and call each other just to say, I love you or thanks. There are so many things to show appreciation and love, find the best way or whatever you know he likes and ask him to be receptive and give both of you another chance to feel (especially himself) in love, or whatever feeling he needs to feel for you. I am sure he is in love with you and he loves you. Just try harder, and if everything fails, then just then..look for another answers like depression, low testosterone, fatigue, problems at work, etc. I am sure you will find yourselves close again.
I hope this helps a little. Don't give up!

He has to have some sort of depression as he recognizes he feels different towards you yet doesn't want to try to make things work. Why wouldn't he? You have young children and you both should exhaust every avenue before giving up. Just not wanting to attempt to make it work sounds like other stuff is bothering hubs. Since he doesn't know what is broke, he should be willing for your sake to at least ,see a doctor t get an opinion if he is in fact depressed. I'm sorry you are going through this, but stay strong, tell him you want to make things work and keep positive, at least as much as you can. Best of luck and keep us posted.

This is sad. How often do u two go out alone?? With kids its so hard, but you still have to have ur time together!!! Get a sitter quick and do something fun, romantic or both!!! Also try something new in bed :) Gotta bring the fire back.

J.:
I read this question earlier today and could not stop thinking about you so I just had to respond. First of all I am so sorry that the two of you are going through this- it is not easy especially with two little ones relying on the two of you. You two can make this work- I think that many marriages go through this especially when the little ones show up. It is something you can work through.
Please tell your husband that this is fixable- to go see a counselor together and work, work, work.. He needs to relearn how to love you again and you need to learn the same. It is something you can do. He brought it up so rise to the challenge of finding a solution. My husband and I went through this when our daughter was two. He felt like he was put on the backburner and felt that we were just friends. Date him, love him, acknowledge him. It can work.
The one thing that made both of us fight through this is that we see the effects of divorce on a child. I have a step-daughter and watching her having to move from house to house and then missing her mom when she's with us then missing her dad when she is with them is hard to see. I could not imagine that for our daughter. NO ONE will love your child the way the two of you love them so you two need to fight to keep it together. Your children are worth it but most importantly the two of you are worth it. You two married each other because you loved each other. Find that passion again- you deserve it.
You two have 2 children together - you are bonded for life. You will be in each others lives forever so you might as well go through it together rather than seperate. Go to counseling ASAP. Get involved in Church again if you are not and pray. Good luck I will keep you two in my prayers.

Sorry to hear!! I know this is difficult. Sometimes after kids, it's easy to stop being a couple with all the business of a new child and balancing work etc.... if you can get him to counseling I would suggest find a therapist that you can both go to one to one and together, but a therapist that understands you and him needs different strategy of therapy... you may need more talking about feelings etc... where your husband needs help figuring out what the problem is then being told how to fix it. Men are women are wired differently and most therapist don't take this into account.

I believe that in spite of what your husband told you (which I know must have very much to hear) your marriage is worth trying to save. You both have too much invested not to make it work.
It sounds like, through your husband's statement, that he is reaching out in some way to change the situation. Maybe he does love you and want the marriage to work but this was the only way he felt he could get your attention. First of all, you just don't spring this on a person out of the blue and tell them that you are walking out. He must have said something before? If he did not say anything, I just think this is his way of getting his feelings across to you that some things need to change.
I don't think that even when a person that a relationship is not working that it's easy to just give up and walk away. Especially with two young children involved.
I think that he at least owes you and the children the option of marriage counseling and the ability to try to work things out before he makes this decision on his own that this marriage is not what he wants. Because this is not just about him and HIS needs.

If he still loved you that way and wanted to be married to you, he'd know it. If he can't make up his mind, I'd suggest making it up for him and moving on. You can certainly try counselling but if he doesn't even know whether you should or whether he wants to try to save your marriage, I honestly would not be too optimistic on his staying in this marriage in the long run.

First thing you should do is really make sure there's nobody on the back burner, from what I've learned over the years with most men is, they don't say these things unless there's someone else there that's giving them the attention they are lacking in their marriage. Not saying he's having an affair, but there could be someone that he's been talking too. Just really make sure you have no competition first so you can nip this in the bud!!

I agree with Betsy- watch Fireproof together and do The Love Dare (explained in the movie). It will transform your marriage!

He needs to be seen by a physician to find out if he is clinically depressed. He should be on meds if he needs them. When the kiddos are little like yours, the demands on mom are huge. It's so easy to forget about your husband because he can feed himself and put himself to bed :-). But if you neglect the marriage this is what happens and it only gets worse. He will look for sex outside the marriage cuz that's what men need.
If he is communicating, you are at an advantage. Counciling is a MUST!
The best thing for the family is to stay married. Those kiddos didn't ask for disfunction. Children need mom & dad!! Time to regroup and try some other strategies. Keep yourself in good physical shape (for health, endurance, and beauty), give him some attention (earned or not), get some counciling asap.

I have felt the same way about my marriage too but it's b/c I was a battling depression/anxiety relapse. I was given the advice of reading the book called "The Five Love Lanuages" by Gary Chapman...haven't read it yet, but plan to and hopefully share it with my husband. It explains that men and women each show love and crave love in different ways.
I agree with the other comments below too. In addition, try to see if he can get evaulated for depression- but I don't know how you can suggest that without scaring or offending him (there's such a stigma in society about depression).
Also, seek counseling for your marriage.
I wish you lots of luck and prayers.

Wow...I feel like I am reading something I wrote! I am so sorry for you because I have a very good idea of what you are going through and I think you are lucky he came to you. I am going through the same thing and my husband didn't come to me until it was "too late to fix" (according to him). I am willing to fight for my marriage and he says he can't! So be grateful you have an opportunity to fight and if you really love him fight hard! Here is some wonderful advice I have received (but never got to use) *make him feel special and error on the side of kindness *be positive even if you are having a terrible day *help him to feel loved and adored make him feel special -I have been told that marriage is selfLESS so right now you need to concentrated on his needs and when he is taken care of he should be able to focus on yours****MOST IMPORTANT find a counselor that is PRO marriage! I made that mistake and I really regret it! I should be getting my divorce papers this week and I am devastated and wish more than anything that I was given the chance to fight...so please fight hard. I wish you the best of luck and hope you guys work it out!

Call my friend Chris Hunt. You can find his number on his web site at huntcounseling.com

Counseling for him and for you as a couple is something you both should consider. I'm, also, a big believer in prayer. You may not always get what you want, but you'll always receive the strength to make it through. Good luck!

I can relate. My husband and I have a little girl who just turned two last week and a boy due in two months. He recently told me that he needs more than what I am giving him; that he feels as though we are co-existing rather than a married couple. While the sex has lagged a bit the last few months (this has been a bad pregnancy) I realized I had withdrawn myself from the simple things as well, kissing, holding hands, etc.
I am not saying this is the case with your marriage but from what you have said it seems as though your husband is willing to work on it; at least he didn't pack his bags a leave, he is coming to you with his feelings, that speaks volumes. A) You two definitely need to get in touch with a marriage counselor and B) it would not hurt for him to see one himself or while you are seeing the marriage counselor she may reccomend it for him as well. But then again his issues may just stem from the marraige and what he is lacking from it.
I have only been married five years but I have learned that it is the hardest job I have; between work, school, and being a mother; a wife is the hardest. You have to work on it everyday and when you throw in any other apsect in the mix (kids for instance) it makes it even tougher to work on but find the time. It sounds like both of you are willing to work on it and as long as you have that openness you two can get past this.

Have you heard of The Love Dare? It was mentioned in the movie Fireproof, but it's a book and it has saved many marriages. My friend did the dare and she's been married over 25 years and has 10 children and she said she learned more about her, her husband and their marriage than she thought possible. http://thelovedarebook.com/ Here's some information about it. Basically you and your husband agree to do the challenge, I think it's 40 days, each day no matter how silly it may seem or pointless. Many, many people have testified that it has made them fall in love all over again and their marriages are better than ever.

Ask him to consider doing the challenge for the sake of your children and for your marriage.

My prayers are with you.

BTW, I've not done the challenge yet. My husband almost left me 5 years ago. Found out he was dealing with chemical depression and after a month on anti-depressants he was shocked at how he far he was from us and from himself. We also sought counseling. The counselor is also the one that suggested he was depressed, the doctor confirmed it. Your husband admitting he is depressed and is crying, sounds like it could be depression. Have him seek help, it is worth it.

the fact that he told you menas he wants to try. and he was honest and said he doesn't know how to fix your relationship since he doesn't know what is broken. so try the date night thingm the counseling or what ever else you guys can come up with. if he didn't want to fix it he would not have said anything at all, he could easily started cheating or moving out on the sly. so i really hope you guys can fix your marriage. and i sorry that you are hurting right now. your in my prayers and i wish you the best of luck.