One of my husband's friends is having marital problems, and is asking him for advice. Their situation is way complicated, and obviously our best bet is just to stay out of their issues as much as possible.
Most of the story is what I have heard second hand from my husband. This couple has been together for at least 8 years, has 3 kids, and is not originally from the US. The husband travels frequently for work, and the wife is unhappy and bored. She seems nice, but we don't have much in common, including our primary languages. The husband is upset that she has been spending as much as $5000 per month, much of which is gifts for her family in another country. Sometimes deceptively by returning items she bought for the kids and buying other things to ship. The specific thing the friend asked my husband was if he would manage the wife's money if something were ever to happen to him. My husband didn't exactly agree, but let him know that there would probably be some legal issues with that. We wonder whether we could really help them when the guy can't control his own spending let alone his wife's.
ETA- Apparently when she is angry, she asks for a divorce with him taking the kids, he says OK, but then she backs down.
Thanks for all the advice. Yes, we will definitely try to stay out of it and suggest counseling(whenever we see one of them next). I think this friend often talks to my husband as a sort of "reality check", because my husband isn't afraid to tell him the pros and cons of whatever wild plan he's thought up.
Did he suggest that they both go see a financial adviser? A neutral, third party could help put them both on a budget, to meet their joint goals - so it does not become one partner policing (and the other rebelling and rejecting) the other.
Hmmm. It doesn't sound like there is much you can do except be a kind, listening ear. No one can control another person's behavior.
The best thing your husband can do, is recommend they go to marriage and financial counseling, then to butt out.
This couple is way overdue for marriage counseling. They do not have an over spending problem. They have a big marital problem and money is her weapon against him.
Your husband needs to tell them to seek counseling and then needs to take about 6 HUGE steps backwards away from this one.
Many people spend to buy when they feel sad, bad, or depressed.
He and the wife need to get together and confront the reasons for their spending. If it is a power struggle between them and the weapon of choice is a credit card, there is no solution until they overcome that problem.
I did some credit counseling for my church. The "you can't tell ME what to do" when it comes to spending creates lots of problems financially and socially for many couples.
They have to find the source of the problem and then work to solve it.
Good luck to you and yours. . . and to them.
Your husband definitely must not get involved in this couple's business affairs. Managing the wife's money at any point is out of the question. He could end up tangled in a terrible legal morass.
I agree with those who post that the most he can do is strongly recommend that they find a good, experienced professional counselor and get serious marital counseling ASAP. Her threats to divorce him and dump their children -- her own kids, dumped like furniture she doesn't want?! -- would by itself be cause for intensive counseling, to me.
One other thought: Besides being bored and liking to shop and mail stuff, she also may need to be evaluated for depression and/or bipolar disorder ("manic depression"). People who are in a manic period of bipolar disorder sometimes shop wildly and spend vast amounts they don't have. A friend of mine got into huge debt and lost a job (due to using a company credit card for personal purchases) during manic episodes, before she finally got diagnosed as bipolar and got help. And even some depressed people spend in their low states too -- another friend's husband had clinical depression and before he got treatment, would spend irrationally on things they didn't need, and the doctors said that kind of behavior can be part of depression as well as manic states.
Not that your husband should suggest all this to his friend, necessarily. I would leave that interaction limited to "Please get the name of an experienced couples counselor and go -- today. And I have to let you know so it's really clear: I won't get involved with your family finances or managing money even if something happens to you. You and your wife need professional help to work all this out."
This is really none of your business. I understand the friend is asking for help, but really its the WIFE that needs help and she needs to do it on her own. What is that saying? The first step for getting help is acknowledging you have a problem. How is having your husband in charge of the money helping the wife? And would YOU really want your husband to "manage" another mans wife? I would not only walk away from this, but I would grab my husbands hand and RUN!!!! Good luck!
Tell him sorry. You are not taking on anything like that. It is called boundaries.
Whaaaat? Would your husband handle the wife's money if he dies? Does your husband do this for a living? If not, heck no!
Sounds like she's lonely and misses her family. They need advice that you and your husband are probably not equipped to give.
The real question is, WHY would your husband want to insert himself in their financial affairs? Not only that, he would be inserting himself into the collateral damage of a messy, failed marriage. Just because someone is gone, does not mean the damage of their marriage doesn't still exist. I don't believe he can legally do it anyway, unless she was proclaimed incompetent by the system.
So, no I don't believe he can. I also 100% believe he SHOULDN'T, even if he could. Bad, BAD idea. In any case, he should say NO. Encourage his friend to find a neutral financial adviser. Friends and money don't and should NOT mix.
My advice? Get a good divorce lawyer...
I would be so hurt if my husband broadcasted our marital issues to our friends . . . that is something best left to neutral parties like counselors or a pastor. My husband feels the same way I do. I don't even like it when people do it here but at least it's fairly anonymous so I can understand it.
When you hear about marital issues you're generally hearing it from one side. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Push counseling and stay out of it otherwise.
Let's see, this man has a wife who is unhappy, bored and is spending large sums of money to send "gifts" to her family in another country. They are already having marital problems and he is gone alot for work. I don't think this man's wife is planning to stick around much longer. Rather than ask your husband for help, it's probably time for this man to talk to his lawyer.
The wife's arguing style reminds me of my DH. Early on he would try to "end" any argument by saying something like "well if you're so unhappy let's just get a divorce". After about 3 months I told him the next time he said that, we would get a divorce for sure since that was his way of avoiding any issues. There is legal help for spouses of those out of control that would not involve someone else "taking over" her accounts.
I don't see how it would be legal for your husband to manage his friend's wife's spending if something happened to the friend. Unless she is found incompetent by a court of law, and assigned a guardian of her estate, OR unless she willingly signed over a specific power of attorney, no one can control another person's finances for them.
Of course, that's all just hypothetical, and unlikely to happen anyway.
So no, you really can't help them.
I think they need marital counseling and to sit down with an financial planner and find a way to stem the tide of her spending so much on gifts home (which may be a cultural thing). If he travels a lot for work and she's far from home with little kids on her own...that's a lot to take on. If she's talking divorce and he take the kids, either it's a bad cry for help or it's an emotional ploy. And he needs to decide what HE will do even if she decides not to bother. I suspect a lot of it boils down to THEM as a couple and he needs to put forth the effort or find a lawyer.
BUT, I think your DH needs to tell him that DH is just a layman, they need professionals.
T., why on earth would your husband want to have to take over the wife's finances if something happens to her husband? Why on earth would this man try to put your husband in that position?
This woman has a problem. It's kind of like a shopoholic, buying and buying for her family to this extent. You know, my husband loves me very much, but if I put him $5000 per month in the soup to give to other people (family or not), I think that he would HAVE to divorce me.
He needs to give her an ultimatum - go out and get a job and spend only THAT money, or leave her and let her go get a job to feed herself. What she is doing is extremely destructive to the health of her nuclear family and their marriage.
Tell your husband I said this, and tell him to say no to his friend.
Dawn
