In Desperate Need of Advice Regarding Separation/divorce

You are entitled to alimony, dont forget that. and look online for attorney's who do probono wk. (free counseling.) or that dont get paid till you do. and i am almost positive you get child support! guys make it seem like there is no way out. girly you got the power!! you will get half of everything 50/50 thats the way it is. these numbers are free legal advise ###-###-####, 1866-###-###-####, 866-435-3859. and if none of these work google more. the judge will see that you were a stay at home mom and that you lived a certain type of lifestyle while married to him. therefore you will be granted the same way of life w/out him and thats where alimony comes in. dont you see all these celebrities get hell of money b/c they were use to the fancy lifestyle when married and thats all they know. if they got spa treatments once a month while married you better believe that money for the spa's is added into alimony. call the numbers i gave you. (:

I was in a similar situation 17 years ago & I'm so glad I left. He would never even consider counseling - didn't think anything was wrong.
What I did was ask for more money than I needed & put it away. It took me about a year to save up enough to leave.
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Good luck!

Sweetheart, please check out an organization called Fathers for Equal Rights. It's not just for men. It's run by attorneys who have all been through this horrible situation, and they will explain all legal matters to you, help you fill out paperwork and file it yourself, give you so much advice you won't believe it. The membership fee is less than $100, and worth every penny. I bet they would even let you pay out your membership dues, but I can't promise that. They will save you LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. My husband used them for his divorce from his first wife, and it was a Godsend.

Good luck, and you have my prayers with you.

I am sure you have tried talking to your husband, from your words it sounds like he doesn't think there is a problem so "you shouldn't have a problem". I think you know what is best for you and your children. If there is tension the kids know it, they feel it and it is not healthy for anyone involved. I didn't see you mention family or friends, but you should see what options you have for help from them until you get on your feet. If you have a degree you can find a job, and even if you have split custody you will receive child support. Plus it sounds like you don't doubt he would support his kids.
I guess the first thing to do would be to figure out a plan (that does not include his money), then tell him and see his reaction. If he tries then maybe there is hope, or if he doesn't or you just can't handle it anymore, follow your plan. Divorce and custody will work out. If he is out till 5 in the morning you know he won't want or will he get full custody.
Try and be as calm as you can even if he is not. You want to keep it cival, after all no matter what you will have to deal with this man for the rest of your children's lives.

I am the child of divorced parents. It is so unbelievably hard on the kids. Be sure to figure in counseling for your children in the upcoming expenses. That being said, I don't believe everyone should stay married just because they have kids. I just hope you will try everything possible to work things out. Divorce isn't always the answer to happiness.

I know that you are entitled to half of the marital assets, whether your name is on the account or not. I'm not sure if you will be responsible for half of the debt if your name is not on the account though. I respect the financial advisor Dave Ramsey a lot. I would look on his website, www.daveramsey.com for advice on the debt question. He has a place to contact local providers or you can send an email to him. He is on am KLIF 570 weekdays, 1-4 if you want to tune him in. People often call and ask questions about debt incurred by an ex-spouse.

Custody may be joint, but one parent will have conservatorship and that parent ususally recieves the child support.

I wish you luck.

First of all C. you need a plan. You need to get a job before you even think about leaving. Then maybe counseling before you see a lawyer to try to work on your marriage. You are worried about the wrong things. Your looks and age. It is so hard to be a single Mom and getting a divorce is like moving across the street because you don't like yard work.
If you have not worked in a long time this is not the year to just pack up. You need skills. Child care runs about $125 on the low end per child per week. I would make this thing work until I had my life together. Work on yourself all on his nickle. Child support does not support children like you would believe. If he doesn't pay it is a long road to collect it.
Work on getting your life together to leave. Get a job,get a bank account,be independent. You really have no choices the way things are now.
Good Luck
N. Cox

C., oh Sweety. You sound so sad. I had post partum depression for up to three years past my first pregnancy so it does make things seem even worse and leaving never looked so good. It is called self-preservation.

I have to be honest - your options look a bit bleak for independence right now. Better to hold off and work on the below first. Then if you are still unhappy, you have better options as a single mother and you will leave knowing you did everything you could to make your marriage and family better.

Most men think by going to work and paying all the bills that they are loving their families but that is not how women see it. We need the attention.
Just because he is in the house, he may think it is family time. It is not.
My hubby has to listen to me all the time about how it is so important to have this time together - get up and turn the tv off. He hates it but then enjoys our time together and is happy about it after wards. Work will not keep you when you are old - family will.
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The staying out until 5am (unless it is for work) is for the birds. You must make it clear that is not acceptable. So just tell him firmly and seriously.

Being divorced does not make it better. As for child support. The state of Texas does not really help you unless you are on state aide. Don't count on it - doesn't matter what the decree says. Think you are lonely now? Way more then and no one loves your babies like there own parent's do. Poor. Really Poor. Hard to get used to that.

If I could recommend these things, I hope you do not mind.

1. Insist on counseling. Workshop recommended by the other mom is great too. Getting him to go-that will be the trick.

2. Explain to him that you love him, you don't want to leave him, but you are so unhappy with your marriage - with him, with yourself. You need his help to feel happy again. Ask "Help me".

3. Put your kids first. Hard to raise good kids when you are miserable. Go see the doctor and/or counselor to get back on track. If it is depression, medicine will help. If it is emotional - the counselor will get you back on track.
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Make couple plans - a trip or outing once a month or every couple of months - away from responsibilities and it gets you out of the house too. (My hubby and I take a drive-it is surprisingly refreshing).

4. Get interested in what he is doing. Go and see him at work. Take him lunch. Hug and kiss him when you see him and be excited - even if you don't feel like it - when he walks in the door.

5. Start taking classes (you can do this online) and get your associates degree.
a. Join a women's prayer group (they have child care provided - usually once a week - twice a month).
b. Organize a play group with other at home mom's.
c. Start an online business.
d. Start putting a little cash away in an account with only your name on it and never - ever - take the money out. A woman should always have a little stash then you don't feel so dependent.
e. Get your hair done. Buy a new outfit. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.

7. When you start taking care of you and start feeling good about yourself, you are not so dependent on him for your happiness.
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If he is faithful and hard working, he just needs a nudge in the direction of being a "loving" spouse.

:state regulations on child custody - every other weekend and Wednesdays. No debate. Joint custody. If he comes.
:Child support based on his salary - $200 per week $54 per week, $500 per week $102 per week. If he pays.
:Medical-who ever has the insurance policy-50/50 fees - if he pays.
:Divorce is like visiting Hell - be sure you want to go there first. He is no longer your friend and will be unkind.

Please wait. Just a little longer. Maybe just a little healing is needed first. Try everything first then reconsider your options. C.

Oh honey, seems he's just trying to scare you into staying so he doesnt HAVE to pay a cent. We're in Texas and you are their primary care-giver so unless he can prove you're unfit then you will get primary custody more than likely with a joint managing conservatorship and standard visitation (every other weekend/holiday/30 days in summer). That's just standard stuff even if you don't have a lawyer. That said, you can file for divorce, fill out an affadavit of inability to pay, and if you prove he's been responsible for all bills thusfar and show the bills you have to pay (if you leave him) you can get temporary spousal support in addition to child support which is also a standard amount - not him doing a favor to you and nothing the lawyer can do about it. I believe it's 20% of his income with one child and 22% if two. My ex did the same thing. I navigated through the system myself and he got a lawyer when I went after temp spousal support... even without a lawyer I'd brought the correct documentation (which I can send to you) and got the support. If you're not unfit, you don't have one single thing to worry about. Financially or otherwise. Send me a message back if you want any more info. I'm sorry you're going through this. I just finalized last month.

Another thing, (if you're in texas) the judge will more than likely order you to stay in the county or contiguous counties for the good of your kids, but will not order you to the same city.

As far as if you should stay in your marriage, only you know that. Think of your babies and what's best for them as well. If the only way they'll have happy healthy parents is to seperate, then I don't fault you at all. I hope you can work through it, but I know from experience that there are just some cases where it's impossible no matter how hard you try, how many couselors you see, how many times you pray. Praying for you.

Ok first of all, before you even blow the divorce whistle-GET A JOB! Even if you have to work overnight at walmart to accomodate your schedule with the kids, GET A JOB! I am in the same boat as you. I'm 28 and refuse to stay just because i have a nice home, i want to be in love! Start saving right away! You should ask him when the time is right to consider an uncontested divorce-it's done outside of the courts. Take full custody of the children with visitation for your husband then you will get child support and both you and your husband can have access to the kids. Save up just in case money then see a lawyer, most will do a free consultation and when you are ready and PREPARED go for it! Your life is YOURS, don't wait longer than you have to. I'm still preparing-always am....Good luck to you all

Why is it "suck it up" or leave? My advice is to work on your marriage. Seek counseling. Talk to one another. People give up way too easily. Try to get back to what it was that brought you two together in the first place. Every marriage goes through its ups and downs, and I for one am so glad that I never gave up during the downs... because my marriage is now better than it ever has been. Turning 30 is hard for all of us... make each other happy. At least try... bring the spark back, and see what happens. It sounds like a lot of frustration and stubborness on both sides, leading to lack of real communication. I'd love to see a posting that you've worked it out and are happy. Peace to you...

I didn't really hear your reason for divorce. I see there are definately issues that need some working, but I hope you will consider trying to work those out first. I don't really have any crafty ideas, but counseling is a good start. If he wont go with you, go for yourself and work that angle. Never quit until you know you have tried everything! I know you mentioned you did not want to have a court battle and would be amicable, but you don't know that he won't want a fight. I'll keep you guys in my prayers and hope it all works out for the best.

Beverly B, with all due respect, you need to beam back down to the real world. She didn't ask for brainwashing help, she asked for divorce help! I'm not saying that God won't help, but this is just simply not the issue, nor do you need to be a missionary on here!

I haven't read all the other responses in detail, but given what you say, I think you should seek a divorce. Just be careful because if you are the one that leaves, that gives you less leverage in terms of keeping the house. But, even so, leaving may be your best option. It may be possible that you get primary custody, but it sounds like he's a huge control freak and no matter what you will have lots of problems in the future. So, you either need to make the best of a bad situation - i.e., seek counseling on your own (you need it to understand how you got into this situation), go back to school, etc.

As I understand the laws in Texas, everything is split 50/50 despite him being a control freak - and he sounds very narcissitic, with regards to his behaviors at home and the fact that he believes he does everything for his family - his actions show that he is entirely self centered and only wants the world to view him as a benevolent caretaker/head of the family.

Based on my own experiences, you will NEVER have any peace in your life by staying in this situation - it takes two people working very hard to make a marriage work in most cases. And, unfortunately many women stick it out for the sake of the kids, but with two daughters all you're doing in that case is modeling behavior that shows it's okay to be treated that way by a man/your husband. It's not and any competetent psychologist/family counselor will tell you it's note.

Honestly, I think you owe it to your kids to fight for custody, since it doesn't sound like he has much interest in being a parent. And, given the age of your kids, it doesn't sound like he has any emotional interest. But, again, the control freak in him won't see it that way, but the court will do a home study (as I understand it), so his true colors may show through then (if you get somebody good). You need a very good lawyer either way. If you don't get one, you will be figuratively screwed.

As far as you're leaving the city, he is partly right, as you will need court permission to take the kids out of state (as I understand it). Again, the first thing you need to do is to get a good lawyer.

Sorry, i sent this to the wrong person- i have deleted.

Prayer, is the key to overcome obstacles.

I'm sorry you're going through this, C.. If staying together is absolutely not an option, then you need to have a free consultation. Most attorneys in Ellis Co. will consult free of charge. I'm not sure in which county you live, but it would be wise to use an attorney from your own county. In Ellis Co., I highly recommend Connie McGuire. She will treat you kindly and fairly, and she's as mean as a snake. You need someone to fight for you and not be intimidated by the other side. She's your man and very respected by the judge and other attorneys. She also might be able to work out payment options with you.
I hope that helps.
Leanne

I have never been through a divorce but I have been through a custody battle. And when I say battle I mean it. My ex-boyfriend and I really fought hard for about a year trying to work out a custody agreement. In the end we wound up settle through mediation. Let me just say it was so much better than going through the courts and much cheaper. I would recommend trying to do mediation before going to court, we did it the other way around and now (three years later) we both feel we wasted a lot of time "fighting" in court. When you use mediation you sit down with the mediator and your lawyer and so will your husband and the mediator will go back and forth between the two of you until something gets worked out. It took us a full day but after that we were done. It all took place at my lawyer's office. Our mediator was one of the best in the state and it cost approx. 2,000 plus my lawyer fees. My ex paid the other half of the mediator (that how it works you HAVE to split it so your husband won't have a choice) I know that sounds like a lot of money but it's WAY less than what we spent in court (upwards of 20,000).
Now I know that you feel like your husband makes all of the money and that he is there for in control of it but the reality is that you are entitled to half or everything! That money is yours just as much as it is his and any lawyer, judge, mediator or whatever will see that too, even if your husband doesn't. Most lawyers will meet with you for free for the first time and you can explain your situation. They will talk with you about what your rights are, including how you can pay for the lawyers. I really do suggest having a lawyer. I know that it's expensive but you really need someone on your side that will help you understand what your rights are so that you don't get bullied by his lawyers into doing something you don't feel comfortable with. Now as far as custody don't even worry about it. My ex and I have joint custody, and he has standard visitation. This mean s he get our daughter the 1st,3rd, and 5th weekend of the month, and wed-fri on the 2nd and 4th week of the month. The last part is actually extended visitation. Normally it would just be wed-Thrusday I believe. Basically he has her 2 nights a week. The key is that you need to get primary custody. Which you will, because he has to work more than you do he will really have no choice but to have this. Most mothers get primary so it really shouldn't be a problem. As primary conservator the only differences you both have is that the children will go to school in the district you live in and you will be entitled to child support. Child support will be determined as a percentage of his income. It is managed by the state and payments are made to and monitored by the state. They can even take it directly out of his paycheck and direct deposit into your bank account each month. I'm not sure about the divorce part but you might be entitled to alimony as well. I know I've made this all sound easy and don't get me wrong I know how hard this will be. The custody battle I went through with my ex was the worst thing I've ever been through in my life, and I'd never want to do it again. However looking back on it, I'm glad it happened. It has made my life better in a lot of ways. Although we still struggle to get along, and he does try to skip out on child support, in the end there really isn't much to fight about. We always have out court order to fall back on. I feel confident about what my rights are and I don't have to fight about them they are in writing. I know that leaving might sound really hard, and it will be, but it could be the best thing you ever do. I believe everyone deserves to be happy. If this relationship isn't making you happy then you should find something that does. You are your role model for your children they deserve to see you happy. If your daughter/son was in your situation what would you want HER to do? Remember that your children are learning about relationships now by watching you and your husband, what is it you want them to learn?
Good luck and God Bless

Marriage goes through phases. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's really tough. REALLY tough. You've gotten several responses suggesting counseling and I'm going to suggest it too. Is your husband open to it? Even if he's not you can go by yourself and you would be surprised at what you can learn about yourself and your marriage. Once you get through your first really rough patch your marriage is stronger. Your commitment is strengthened. That doesn't mean it won't happen again, but at least you will know it doesn't have to be the end. Before you walk away from a marriage you should make sure you have done EVERYTHING in your power to make it work. You owe that to yourself and your children. Good Luck!

I am so sorry you are in such a tough situation. Reading the other posts, though, I think they have it right. And I know your first thought is probably that counseling is so expensive and how are you going to pull it off - but trust me, it is a LOT cheaper than divorce or separation. Use those credit cards to pay for it if you have to, and go alone if you must but do try it before you try to leave. Getting an outside perspective could make a lot of difference and if you do decide that leaving is the right thing afterward, you'll have some outside support. Whatever happens, good luck.

Honestly in your situation, I would go see a counselor or a pastor for counseling, find out what's missing in your life and start making steps that way. Being lonely in a marriage can be very frustrating, but it doesn't get ANY better when you are single with 2 toddlers, either. I think the previous poster had a great idea: go to school, while you still have support right now from your husband. You could feel better just by empowering yourself! If you know something you'd like to do, you could take the classes just for that vocation, or you could start at TCC and just start moving towards a degree. That will give you some time away and you'll feel better about bettering yourself. Later, you'll be in a better position to get a job that pays more. My marriage is a very good one, but we still have our days just like everyone else, and I've noticed that when I'm doing right by myself (quiet time where I read, listen to quiet music, pray, do a home pedicure, and do things that empower me like taking my classes--I do TCC online classes right now, slowly moving towards a degree, and when I go to work on Sunday after church---those things make a big difference in how I feel when I'm home).

You only have one life here and you and your children deserve happiness. I have a happy marriage and I know that there are many happy marriages out there....but you must face the possibility that you might not find another husband that fits your criteria for many many years...then you should ask yourself would you be happier with him or alone without him? Personally I would be happier alone than with a husband that didn't treat me right.

Try counseling -- even if he won't go to find out what is best for you. Then start squirreling away money anyway (whether you stay or not) and get into school. If you have to leave sooner than later, then find a dependable roommate who might work different hours than you but you can take care of each others kids while the other is working.

If you work at a daycare, most provide free daycare and you still get to see your children all day, plus a salary. It is not much but it is free daycare.

C.,

As you read from most of the posts, we have all dealt with these types of feelings and issues on some level. Men don't think taking care of children is as hard as it is. Before you had children, did you think it would be this hard? I suggest that you plan some time to go out with your friends for a day and leave the children with him (They will be fine. Not as well taken care of as you would do it but fine nonetheless). I have always found that my husband appreciates me more when I do this. Yes, the house will probably be destroyed but your husband and children will get some much needed alone time together.

I have several friends who are divorced and I think this is something every woman should think about before getting a divorce: if you get joint custody (and most parents do), your husband will have them every other weekend. You will have no input as to what they do, where they go, who they see, etc... You will only see them part of the day on Christmas, part of the day on their birthdays, etc... If your husband remarries, your children will have a stepmother. She may love your children, she may not. Once you have children, it is not about you anymore. You really need to consider how this will impact their lives.

It sounds like your husband is not involved. I think this is an issue that can easily be fixed with counseling.

It is not up to your husband to make you happy. If you continually look to other people for your happiness, you will never be happy. I strongly suggest that your whole family get involved in church. You can find a support group of older, wiser women there to help you with these struggles that we all go through. Your husband can learn what it means to be a good husband and father.

I wish you all the best.

From your note it does not seem like he is controlling, but Lazy! I am 29 and have been married for almost 10 years and we have gone through the same ups and downs. We also have two children and being parents is hard work. I'm sure you have spoke to him, but he needs to know how you truly feel. Does he know you are that close to leaving? Maybe you have some family that could keep the kids for the night so you can reconnect? That helps us alot. Maybe you could go back to school at night and have him keep the kids? It would be much easier before you were divorced. I have always asked myself, what makes me think anyone else would be any better? Do something to make you happy and you may see a change in him. I agree the going out is unacceptable and have also had to deal with that several years ago (never all night though). It makes you feel horrible. After I showed that I quit caring about it he quit doing it. No married man should be at a bar/club all night! Please consider other options before divorce. Do you really want some other man being a Dad to his kids and having to share them with another "Mom"? Good luck to you.

Visit a very good lawyer and get a plan. Don't do anything before you have a plan.
Start recording in a daily dairy the time he actually spends with the children i.e 10 mins when he comes home.. as well as what it is like in the house.. is he drunk.. how many hours of asleep... This information changed my friend's custody of her child.
See if you can photocopy any of his account & property information... actually copy anything you can get your hands on now before things get worse.
Start putting $10, $20 away... you can get a bank deposit box and put it in there...
And lastly, find away to stop going forward in fear and get ready for a battle.. because that's what it's going to be and if you let it get to you, 30 or younger, you will get grey hair and winkles from what is ahead. Start to enjoy the investigations..

Figure out what you want to do in life and start taking classes through an online college. Stop talking divorce and let him pay for it. Once you have a degree and can get a job then maybe you'll find that you don't want a divorce.

No man will ever make you happy or be enough. Find a common goal to work towards and figure out how to make it work. If he is already threatening to force you to stay in the city, and telling you that you won't get any money then he already knows how to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Take away his advantage by getting a degree and finding a job that pays well.

C.,
To echo what some others have said, I am not sure I can find the reason you are considering a divorce. I can see that you wish your husband worked around the house more or helped with the kids, but from his perspective he has worked all day and the home and kids are your job. I am not defending his behavior.....just trying to show you what he might be thinking. Maybe you could try telling him that you are both "on the clock" while he is gone but when he is there you need him to split the responsibility with him. Do you wish you had more input or control of finances? Do you feel that you need more for yourself in terms of self-satisfaction? Why don't you get a part-time or full-time job and see if getting out of the house is better suited to you. Maybe you are not cut out to be a stay at home mom. You sound a little depressed to me and that can really be painting this situation as much worse than it is. You are only 30, but your children are only kids and they should be your first priority. That means giving them a healthy and happy mother. You play the biggest part in your own happiness and you are responsible for seeking some help if you feel that you might need some counseling or medication for anxiety or depression. I wouldn't give up on this just yet. Your children will be affected for the rest of their lives and so will their children if you divorce. You will have a harder time finding someone with two children and your financial situation could be dire. If you were being abused or your children were being abused then by all means leave, but just because at this moment you don't feel great in your marriage does not mean you have the "right" to leave and be happy. It's a journey and not every mile of it is great. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Good luck to you! Just don't make any rash decisions.

Looks like you have received some good advice. First, can your marriage be saved? Are you still in love with him? Were you ever in love with him? How is he towards the kids with respect to you? If your children are not in an evil environment you are going to want to plan this out. Go get classes for a profession that doesn't take too long and for what there is a lot of job opportunities, start saving money a little here and there every week. Apply for your own credit cards. You need to empower yourself for what is to come if your marriage cannot be saved. And regardless of what he says, you will have to have an aggressive lawyer that is not going to let you down and will fight for you. You will have to pay the lawyer. Ask your family to give you $5000 because that's probably what you are going to need. If you have a great aggressive, excellent negotiator lawyer, you will not be sabotaged, or lose your kids because you have no money to fight with. You have to prepare for a battle. I have been in your shoes minus the lack of education or access to money, but after 2 years and over 100K I too needed help from my family to get through it. A consultation fee is $250, you can probably skim that in a month or so, go see a lawyer. My husband is excellent in situations like yours, that's his consultation fee. I'm not sure where you live, but his office is in Lewisville. I'm not making a plug for him, I'm telling you because he can help you. He has been on both sides of the fence both professionally and personally. His website is www. haugenlawfirm.com, his name is John. He will talk you through all the options from reconciliation to a divorce so you can make the right decision for you and your family. Best wishes and God bless. M.

C., I am adding my voice to the others who have suggested you get counseling. Mark Felber is the most knowledgeable, caring, well-trained and effective counselor in the business and can help you. He can be contacted at www.marriagecpr.com or give him a call at ###-###-####. He will guide you through the process of working through your problems (whatever they are) so you can enjoy your life. Everyone I know who has seen Mark has only the highest praise for him and the results they achieved. Please give him a call!!!

C.,

All these issues come from a deeper unlining problem. Selfishness.

Be careful as to the advice that the WORLD gives you. The world would say leave him... but that is just not an opition.

There is a movie that is called Fireproof starting Kirk Camren from the show Growing Pains. It's about how to Fireproof your marriage that's on the brink of divorice.

First step.. see if this movie is at the $1 theather in your area. If not buy it when it comes to DVD at the end of Jan. 2009.

Until then... go buy 2 small books called The Love Dare. The movie is based of of these books that the writer of the movie wrote as well.

It's a 40 challenge for both you and your husband. So buy two books. No matter what he does or does not do over the 40 days you do your part 100%. Give and do unselfishly exactly what the books saids.

The books is based off truth...so your getting the best free advise ever.

Also go to this site to see what other couples are saying about this movie. Many were where you are now.

It's a challenge...so it's not going to be easy but.... it's so worth the fight. But the same engery you have now on planning how to make it without your husband.. put that same energy into this 40 day dare.

Then when the movie comes to DVD both you and your husband set down and watch it.

Here's the link http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/main.php

L. B.
Texas

The first thing you need to do is to research the divorce laws. I did this to find out what my rights were. Google Texas divorce laws and you'll find lots of information. Most of the time it doesn't cost anything to talk to a lawyer. You'll feel so much better and less helpless just talking to a lawyer about how to and what your rights are and some lawyers offer a payment plan. That first step is scary. Start with the research on the internet. You'll get answers to a lot of your questions and there are even referral web sites where you can be matched to a lawyer for your needs. After all the research I did and talking to a couple different lawyers I don't feel as helpless. Money is a big issue in my situation and I haven't filed for divorce because of it. But you will be amazed at all of the information you'll find and how wrong he is about the things he's telling you. Texas is a no fault state and everything is split right down the middle. There are exceptions to that rule, but in most cases the court sides with the mother because she is the one who spends the most time with the kids. You are entitled to child suport and there is even an "alimony", called maintenance, he may have to pay until you get a job. That is on top of the child support. If everything is in his name you will not gain half of his debt, you can leave the city, not the state. As far as custody goes, there are different forms of custody. Full custody, equal custody, etc. But he will have to pay child support. He sounds very controlling and he controls you with the money. Doesn't sound like a good environment for the kids and you are headed in the right direction to change that. I'm a married "single mom" too and it is very frustrating. You might want to try some counseling to understand the controlling relationship. But the best thing I found was to research everything, knowledge is power. Good luck to you. Let us know what you decide.

Sweet Heart!!! Be strong. You can get assistance from the county & other sources....Be happy! Life is short!

first, I'll brief you on my situation--I'm 46, married for 20 years and divorced 4 1/2 years ago. Kids are now 14 and 16--I didn't even have kids until after 30. Was a stay at home mom and economically TERRIFIED. You ARE too young to be miserable. My advice--start building your credit. Start making a plan. Start taking classes in SOMETHING so that you can support yourself. You CAN do this--take it one step at a time. I work a lot now, am tired a lot but happy to be making my own life. I stayed in an unhappy, controlling marriage for about 5 extra years because I didn't want to be a single mom but finally had to ask myself which was the lesser evil. Move beyond the fear and you will see how much you really are capable of. Here's another story--my sister married at 19, had 4 kids, was living overseas with her fairly crazy husband. He ditched her and she had to move back to the States alone and start over with a high school education. That was almost 6 years ago and she is 50 years old. She graduates in May with a degree in education and 3 of her kids are now out of the house. She hadn't worked in years. There are many stories like this--look for them. Good luck and let me know how you are doing.

I am sorry to hear about the trouble in your marriage. It all depends on the state you live in. Some states have alomony and child support. You could check out legal aide and see if you qualify for help. They do not charge, but you do need to meet certain criteria. You could also check out your local library. All of the legal books to help you fill out, file and defend yourself in a court room are there. Your husband probably makes it sound so negative because he doesn't want to give up 1/2 of what he has, but it is also rightfully yours as well. It doesn't matter that he is the one working out of the home, you are working in the home and some people will say that is harder to do. In most states your husband has to keep you in the style you are accostumed to. Call some lawyers, they may wait for payment until you have settled your divorce or you can ask for your husband to pay for your legal fees as part of the settlement. Don't get discourged and don't let him bully you. Good luck and God Bless!!

A.

You know, I think that you should try counseling first. This sounds pretty normal with most relationships. Most husbands really don't know what to do with their kids other than maybe play with them for a little bit. He probably feels like he is doing his share by earning the money and working outside the home. Probably feels that you work inside the home and he works outside the home. After two years since having our first child I have finally learned that my expectations for my husband as a father were truly not fair. I guess I had these thoughts that he would run to change the diaper when the baby cried or know just what to do when she woke up in the middle of the night. However, he has told me that it just does not come natural like it does for me. I have learned to truly get a break from your kids is to go away - out to dinner with friends, etc. Leave the kids with your husband for a few hours. Your husband will always default to you when you are around when it comes to the kids. It is just natural. You need to sit down with him (if you have not already) and communicate your feelings. If you feel as though this has not worked, you need a counselor. Just remember that any marriage is true work; and with kids it is even tougher. I have gone through times with my husband after having kids wondering if I am happy. Kids take so much out of your marriage - however, you have to really want it to work (both of you). As far as him going out drinking, he is probably trying to escape the nagging. My husband never goes out drinking or anything like that, luckily. However, my friend's husband escapes by getting on the computer. Good luck with your decision.

Before you do anything, even counseling, if there is a chance to save it, both of you attend a three day training call SOS, Zac's Ridge. It's the one and only thing that saved my marriage. BUT, you both have to go. However, go separately, it's offered each month!! I promise, it will help. If you are done, it will help you move forward with the correct decision...you will get your life back, your strength back, you back! Feel free to email with questions. Check out www.sosinc.org. Just hit register and go to B1...January 23-25 is the next one. Good luck, hang in there. It will help him to go too...we were dealing with a lot of the same issues.

C., let me assure you that if you think getting a divorce is going to make you happier, you are sadly misguided. Your life is going to get a LOT harder, and on top of it all, you are going to have to deal with your children's sorrow at having to leave their daddy. You're not going to have time to use your attractive body to get another man, because you are going to be working, then coming home and doing all the things you already do now. It will be a little harder to find a man who wants to take on a woman with two children. Then who knows if he will make you as happy as you want to be. I'm sure you thought the husband you have now was going to do that.
You cannot depend on another person to make you happy. You need to get busy and get your mind off your problems, which really, are minor. You have married, and have two children, it's not all about you and your happiness anymore. Find something to fulfill yourself, myself, I love to write, I do foster care, I have church friends and activities.
Have mercy on your children, do not subject them to a broken home, simply because you are trying to find happiness. My grandmother used to tell me that we have to make ourselves happy. That was the best advice I ever got. That did not mean tearing my family apart, but rather that I needed to find it within myself to be happy, not to lay that burden on someone else, including my husband.

Alot of us are single moms but married. Though mine is a very happy relationship, unlike yours. That's just the way it is for many of us, especially for those of us who's husband travels. Mine is home on the weekends. If it weren't for email and cell phones we'd have problems staying in touch with each other at all.

I suggest you do two things.... 1. you don't say why you want to get divorced other than not being happy, so go see a counselor and figure that out so you'll know where and what you are doing. 2. you have to go see a lawyer. They can tell you about what money is yours etc. Just because you don't have access doesn't mean it's not yours too.

I recommend the firm my friend works at in Denton Loveless & Loveless. Vicki Schmidt is very nice and on the phone she can tell you if they can help (you need to file in the right county) and the costs and questions about how to get the money.

FYI, I believe the rule is you can't leave the state, but you could leave the city ... other moms on here can tell you better.

But really, I'd go for counselling now. You need to figure out what makes you happy and unhappy, before you get a divorce. What you've talked about so far sounds like a typical period of life in many marriages, and not cause for divorce. And I would get a part time job doing ANYTHING. There are jobs you can do from home. Answering phones for different businesses or making appointments for sales people. Anything would be good for you to do, just to help you feel more secure with yourself.

I feel for you and my first piece of advice is probably not what you want to hear. First, you made a committment and should try to work things out. Attend counseling, etc. I'm sure you've heard that before. That being said, I hate to see someone stay in a relationship that is horrible just because they are afraid they can't make it on their own. I am not a lawyer, but I am pretty sure that if you have 50/50 custody, you don't get child support, but you would be entitled to spousal support. Meaning you'll get living money to help you out. I know you said money is a problem, but you really need legal advice. Have you checked into Legal Aid? I don't know what it's exactly called, but there should be some place where you can get free legal advice through the city/county.

Good luck and pray about what is best for you and your kids. Pray for your husband to become more understanding. I've already said a prayer for you.

Hello C.-

I have been through separation and divorce. Yes, you do deserve happiness. He sounds like a very controlling individual. I would suggest you look in the yellowpages or even depending on what county you live in there are free legal services available, esp. if it is an abusive situation the state will look at that as being a more dire situation. It might seem impossible right now, but, there is help available. Dont let someone control you like that esp. the fact that you have children. You children dont need to grow up in an environment like that and think "that is the way it is..." I would check out the free legal services dept in whatever, county you live in. If you need any other help or direction, let me know, I would be happy to help.

Take care-
S.

Don't spend money on a consultation before you can find a free one! I'm sure there are free consultations for divorce. At the consultation, tell the attorney you don't have the money for a divorce and most can specify in the papers that the husband pay all attorney fees and court costs. If you file first, you can set all the stipulations and he will have to hire an attorney if he doesn't agree. That's just double costs for him but if you can keep track of his behavior and time spent at home and out getting drunk, it may help with the custody. File for full custody and he gets visitation rights. Get as much child support as you can (you'll need it later in life when they are teenagers!), get 1/2 of all properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, etc. You can get a job somewhere, but even child support won't make up the difference unless you live within or under your means (unless you get alot). But if he files for divorce first, and you can't afford a lawyer, you'll just have to agree to his demands. There are free legal services for those who cannot afford it. Google it or look in the yellow pages. Go to school to learn a trade while you are still married to prepare yourself. There's courses at community colleges that you can take to learn computer skills, medical office, transcriptionist, etc. If he won't let you go, then he is deliberately trying to hold you back from becoming independent from him. I wish you luck.

dump the guy and request support from your family. support meaning babysitting. go to the local junior college to inquire of financial aid; stay away from loans. whatever your interest is perhaps they will have a two year degree for you. nursing? radiology? or maybe the four year route teaching?... never know till you try. so stop allowing him to make you feel miserable and get out... you will not be the first nor the last gal that dumped a controlling guy and made it on their own. good luck.