Financially Controlling Husband

YOu need a lawyer even if you don't divorce him. He cannot do this to you. People say it's "only a money issue" but it's really a CONTROL issue. This is a dangerous place for you to be. It will only get worse if you don't have some help dealing with it.

OH! And do NOT read "Created to be His Helpmeet" as one poster suggested! It will lead you into a life of bondage and teach you to be a slave. There is nothing Biblical about it.

Blessings on you! Talk to a lawyer for finacial advice as soon as possible!

What is he doing with the money and why is he secretive or shutting you out? What is going on there? I would find that out first. Also, I hate to see marriages end in divorce and espically over money that comes and goes. Get counseling and get to the bottom of the money issue. You have to do what is best for you and the girls!

I am sorry that you are thinking of divorce and that most have advised you to go forward with your thoughts. That is sad. For better or worse and in sickness and health. Did that mean anything to you? You have been married to him for 13 years. When he goes through his times as a team member you are supposed to do what you have been doing taking care of business. As far as you tax return call the IRS and find out who signed the check because you should have signed it for the deposit. It is half yours even if you never worked for any of it outside of the house. Your children need the family to stay intact it will only get worse for them if you leave--NOT BETTER. Most marriages end over money--why is that? He put the money into a money market account maybe to make your family more money. Maybe he thought you would like to spend it and no save it or grow it. I am not sure how he has systematically removed you from the bills and income--he is your husband and you should know what he is making, what it is being spent on and what is left. It might appear that you have been unhappily married due to the kids where he is not helping you or it is always him and never you. Why so unhappy? He has worked himself out of the depression and he has a job--are you a co-dependant? Do you need him to be depressed and unemployed? You have two kids and 13 years invested. Ask God to guide you and if you do not believe in God start talking to some Christian friends and church pastors to help you throught this season of your life. Maybe you are looking for reason to get out but I am telling you getting a divorce will NOT make it better for you or the children. I can promise you that! Now if there is adulty then that is one thing but you never mentioned that--its just a money issue. He may think he is protecting the family for his next bought of depression--have you asked him--in a loving way? You can make life what you want it and can see things in the bad way or the good way. It is your choice. If you live in the state of Texas what is yours is half his and vise versa--period! EVEN his his retirement money! The only thing that is not included in community property is inheratance property. DO NOT GO FOR THE SO CALLED EASY OUT--Cause IT IS NOT THE EASY OUT--Life gets worse.

If you have stayed unhappily married for the past 10 years for your kids you have not helped them.

If your husband is financially controlling, I have to ask is he mentally controlling? In today's world one would have to wonder why is has set these accounts up in his name only and does not allow you access and why is hiding money.

You need to make a list with 2 columns - are you better off with him or better off without him. Go with your gut and not your heart. Do what is better - in the long run - for you and your girls.

With regards to your 9yo, there are programs that should be able to help you with her needs and jobs that will allow you the ability to work while still taking care of your children.

Good luck.....

be careful....sounds like he is hiding something......have a credit report pulled on yourself, you cant pull one on him without his consent.....get your hands on as much of your financial stuff as possible to make sure he is paying everything....if you have a mortgage contact them to make sure its being paid & ontime.........all the accounts that are in his name solely, get that info to keep on hand in case of divorce you'll want proof........best wishes

Questions: Why has he not shared any of this with you? Is it a trust issue or is he getting ready to make a move or is he really trying to do right for his family and not burden you? How does he feel about your marriage?
Some financial conseling and marriage counseling help?
Had a husband who hid bills/finances from me. Would never let me sit down, look at it, make a plan and complained about money 24/7. When I insisted on financial consult, I was shocked at the debt. (My fault too, I should of stepped in, kept up with, insist on being informed.) He did not keep with the payoff program and life got worse. More I worked the "crazier" he got (&there were other issues). Wasn't until we separated, the debt was split, did he "turnover" all the finances for me to do, kind of as a bet you can't do better. Then it started getting better. Divorced now, I am making ends meet and it will be tough for awhile but it will get there. Also, I have 3 kids, one a special needs teen, doing very well now, and have worked fulltime plus extras. Get some financial advice whether you stay together or not.

That is the same thing that happen to me then he started going out coming home at 4 in the morning. Then he left me in depth not paying the bills for 3 months all of them. I am over 10,000 in depth home going foreclosure and he doesn't see his daughter. It is bad good luck to you hope the same thing wont happen to you. I am now divorcing but there was no other solution. Good luck again and hope yours is not a bad as mine.

Deb, I am sorry to hear about the state of your marriage.

Have you confronted your husband concerning your finances? I think this would be the best first step. If you have and he is still secretive, I would contact a good attorney and get some legal advice. Don't get just any attorney! Get one that will be agressive in working for you.

You are going through the same thing that a very good friend did also. After we talked about it I told her to do a very good search of the house and accounts,mail etc. and get proof of any of these things. Then see a lawyer. Her husband not only had seperate accounts but also has several in another state. This does not sound good to me please take care of yourself and your children.

Hi D H
Sounds like you really do have an issue here and there may not be an easy solution.
I would try to find out who the beneficiarries are on the accounts. Who is the person "payable upon death" these are usually required by banks and investment companies so if there is an incident, the funds are designated to a certain person.
Then, I would try to insist to be made a part of the financial situation in your home- as the partner in this marriage this is your legal right. If he continues to resist, then you may want to consider doing something from your home to earn "extra cash" that you can have for yourself. There are some legitimate home based businesses out there that will not take away from your daily responsibilities to your home and children. If you begin to be a little more self reliant and he sees this he may have a change of heart. If not, then you are on your way to being self sufficient and separation or divorce may be your answer. I would never recommend divorce, especially when there are children, but there are situations where there could be no other choice for your own mental health and that of your children.

If you wanted to find out about some home based businesses I can give you some information. You would have to PM me at my home e mail which is on this site.
good luck and blessings

Deb,

You have a right to be furious. I was married for 15 years to controlling husband. Controlling money was just one of his idiotic things. I am guessing your husband pays the bills. (I mean does the act of paying bills, not providing) Often, this role gives people the impression that they can just control the money without reporting. You may to be surprised to find more accounts/credit cards in his name only. My husband became very, very controlling of money when he started cheating on me. I thought we had $13,000 in savings and then when I investigated we had $6,000. He also had credit cards in his name only. Regardless, this is not a good situation. I encourage you to find employment. If your husband will not come clean on all the accounts and be willing to work with you, then divorce would be an option. You deserve better.

In Texas while married it is community property so half is yours anyway, however you might have to fight to get it since he did not put your name on the account. Even if he died tomorrow you ar the primary beneficary unless he named someone else and then you would have to get an attorney to fight for it and the attorney would eat up the money in expenses. If you have been unhappy for 10 out of 13 years, why are you still married. Please don't say for the sake of the children because children are smart and sometimes you do them more harm staying in an unhappy situation than you do them good. You teach them to just hang in there no matter how unhappy you are and you also teach them that it is OK to not be happy. You are way to young to be miserable in your life and there is so much life to live. You have to ask yourself do you want to live this way for the rest of your life. I was in a situation with my ex and I sat down one day and drew a line down a piece of paper. On one side I wrote Pros and the other Cons and then listed the Pros of my marriage and the Cons and was amazed at how many Cons there were and I just didn't realize there were that many. It opened up my eyes and made me realize there was more to life and I needed to think of me as well as my children. I filed for divorce and am so glad I did. Did my life change? Yes to some degree, had to sell the house and move in to an apartment but I was happy and so were my children. I even found out from my children that they also were unhappy because my ex and I were not happy and they didn't know what to do. Sure you will have to go back to work to support your children, but you will be independent and know you are doing what is good for you and your children. Oh as one lady said below, stay there as you would have to go to work and your life will change. Ask yourself is it worth staying just so you can be a stay at home mother. I hope the answer is no and that you think more of yourself and your children than that. Life is not easy and we don't need to be in a situation where it makes life even harder than it is. There is something wrong with a man who hides accounts and doesn't let you know where you stand financially. I had a friend who's husband had an affair and had this girlfriend for ages and was always hiding the finances from her. She just ignored it and stayed in the marriage because she didn't want to change her lifestyle. He ended up owing the IRS 7.2 million and she got stuck with half of it because she was equally responsible. Had she divorced and anything he did after the divorce she wouldn't have been in that situation. Talk about being unhappy now. She will be paying on that for the rest of her life and she had to go to work and they garnished her paycheck. All I have heard is why didn't I do something back then. If you decide you want to stay then you had better sit down and tell your husband you want an accouting of everything and go through the checking accounts and see where the money is going. Go with him to the bank to see who the beneficiary is on that other account and get to the bottom of it. You had better do it now. Once he realizes you will not tolerate this behavior he has two choices - cooperate or lose you as a wife. I have a feeling he will chose the later. Please don't let him bring you and your children down. Find the peace and happiness you deserve and for that old saying "what will I do, I will never meet anyone etc" - you certainly will. There are many fish in the sea and some good ones at that and even if you never meet your prince again at least you will be happy within yourself. Good Luck to you.

Hi debra

sounds to me that you need to make him ad you to all of his finances my husband and i have had a simalar experince where he was upset that his name wasnt on my savings or a couple of CDs and he had a safety deposit box and i had one as well,the reason for my actions were to protect myself from his controling ways as well, and the reason i was stashing and hoarding money was from an argument we had and he claimed our home was his. even thow we have been married 13 yrs and togeather 17 have always been business partners and have worked togeather i felt the need to protect myself and still do. and you should do the same protect yourself and your kids and now we are both on each others accounts but i still will protect myself, i know we will grow old togeather but will continue to make sure i'm in a good position if ever backed in a corner. a little about my self i'm 37 years young been with my husband for 17 years we have two beutiful kids.Also know where everything is make copies of yalls finances if he is unwilling to add you to these accounts. i wish you luck and remember protect yourself he can walk out tomorrow.

Hmmm...His behavior sounds very suspicious. Before you opt for divorce, get a complete listing of all the accounts under his name inclulding account numbers, amount and type of account. Ask your husband if he will go to joint counseling with you. If he won't, then that is your answer. Divorce will be very expensive. Are there any redeeming qualities that will keep your marriage together? This is difficult, because you cannot trust him. Do you attend church or a religious organization? If not, this is a good time to introduce the Lord into your family. My prayers are with you.

If you reside in Texas, I am pretty sure that he will still have to share his $$ with you regardless of whether or not he has actual "joint" accounts with you. That information comes from my financial advisor, not an attorney. If you already think divorce is your only answer, then you should go ahead and consult an attorney. At the very least he is hiding something, and in the event he is gearing up to file for divorce, it would be beneficial to get as much information as possible right now.

Sometimes men get all weird about $$. It's unfortunate, but it happens. My husband pays all of our bills and I don't usually know exactly how much we have. I do put aside resources when possible and we both have separate Roth IRAs, which would transfer to the other spouse in the event of our death, etc. But I have never once thought he was intentionally hiding something or misleading me for any reason!! We work as a team. If something doesn't feel right, then it's not right and you should listen to that feeling.

Good Luck! Dealing with a depressed spouse is hard enough. Perhaps counseling might be an option. God Bless your little family!

DH, First let me say that I'm so sorry your in this situation but now is the time to woman up. You don't deserve this. Before you make any rash decisions, snoop snoop and snoop. If you find bank stmts copy them. If you find emails, copy them. It will be easier now to locate those hidden accounts while you are still with him. Talk to an attorney. Most of them will not charge you for the 1st meeting so have your questions outlined & take lots of notes. It's also wise to take somebody with you that you trust to make sure you hear everything. I know it's upsetting but you will be ok. As far as your unhappy marriage it's not good for you or your kiddo's. I divorced after 15 yrs & it was hard but I made it thru it. I was scared to death but I had lots of support from family & friends that got me thru it. I am so happy now. Things get better every day. They will for you too. Just beleive in yourself.

Get an attourey now because before you know it he will be gone leaving you high and dry and you not only will know how money he has hidden away, you won't be able to find it.

It is true that Texas is a community property state and that any money in his accounts will be divided between the two of you if you do end up divorcing. However, my concern is what his plans are. Since the accounts are in his name only, if he decides to walk out on you one day, you could find that he has drained those accounts and the money is gone. There isn't much a lawyer will be able to do about that. If you are both on the accounts then you would both have to sign in order to get the money out. As it stands, he could take all the money and run. If you do decide to divorce, you need to give your attorney all the info you can about those accounts and perhaps the attorney will be able to freeze them so that your husband can't drain them when he finds out what you're doing. You should sit down and discuss all this with your husband, maybe even see a counselor, and if he refuses to add you to the accounts, then I would say it is time to consult a lawyer. Good luck!

Hi Debra
First you should ask a lawyer what are your rights as far as those accounts are concern. You're his spouse. After the lawyer and you find out your rights. After you've taken care of everything you're suppose to regarding your rights, than you talk to your husband. If he's been battling depression unemployment for years. These seperate accounts could be a safety net for the family. My mom always taught me to have a "secret" account. Just in case my husband decides to act a fool. I can still take care of myself and my children. But I also use it as an emergency account as well. My spouse has a problem with saving money and when something major happens, I am able to dip into that account and help out. So find out your rights first, handle your business and than just talk to your husband. Also try counseling before just giving up on your marriage, it might be worth it. I hope this helps :)

you need to sit down and calmly talk about this. in his mind he might think he is doing a terrific job. he might be mad at you, or he might not be aware of what he is doing and how it is effectin you. please dont divorce over finincial things. divorce is never the answer. ( i have divorced myself fyi...currently married)

I completely understand dealing with the depression thing. I've been there a lot. It's not easy to deal with when you have certain expectations from your man.

The financial thing is a little weird. There has to be an underlying thing going on. Maybe it's just a control thing. If that's the case, it is more common than you think (especially when you are a stay at home mom). Men can say and do things that they would never say or do or expect when you were working. But, either way - DON'T DIVORCE OVER THIS! It is workable.

At least now you are able to be home for your kids. If you leave, that will change. Money, or lack of, is not the reason to divorce someone. It's not easy and can cause lots of stress and fights, but it's not a good reason to change your whole life and actually put yourself in a worse financial situation.

I highly recommend you get the book Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl at www.nogreaterjoy.ORG. Her advice can actually transform your marriage in a way that will blow your mind. Hear what she has to say at least.

You're frustrated, angry, and probably a little depressed/discouraged yourself. The problems in your marriage didn't happen overnight and it will not change overnight. You may have to deal with your husband's depression the rest of your life, I will. But, you can make this work and even find joy and happiness. You can even fall in love with him again. It's true.