Dear J., I know this is very long, but please give it a read and open mind. Thanks! (my daughter's name is J. too)
He obviously needs a release. What is going on in his home? That's the question. Most 3year olds are happy little people, it's when they're 4 that they start to struggle with themselves. His he really acting this way because he doesn't get All the attention or are you reading it that way? Try to observe from an objective view. Ask the parents if how long he's been pinching others and himself and see what they say. Maybe that will open up some dialoge for this. They may help or may not care. Don't expect the child to know Why he does it, he doesn't know, that much you can count on. How much media is he exposed to? TV watching is like the plague to children and causes all kinds of misbehavior and all sorts of things. He's only three. I'd tell him he May not pinch, and then say something like, you may play with your hands. And constantly reinforce what He May Do. Say a little verse to him all the time about it, something like, " hands are for work, hands are for play, in the night and in the day." or something else you make up or find that fits. Another method is (although some people may find this very strange, but a lot of times it works) to sit with him on a rocking chair or some other comfortable chair and hold him and wrap a piece of silk around his hands while softly singing to him or telling him a little verse like the one above. This only takes a couple minutes. I know you have others to care for and this may not always be feasible, but you can try. I've done this and almost never had problems again. But it also sounds like this child has some real troubles to me and so I'm not sure this would work. But it doesn't hurt to try. The biggest thing is to be patient and contsantly sending a clear, positive message to him, starting your sentences with, you may do... Many problems can be worked out with story, a story geared for particular behaviours. It's best to memorize and tell a story and to repeat it as many times as it takes. Besides children need stories and storytellers and ryhmes and they love them said again and again and again. Like in his case the story of the Cranky Crab would fit. It's about turtle and others trying to teach the crab to stop hurting them. And while he was learning they made him mittens to cover his pinching claws and by the time they were worn out he had learned to use his claws only for hunting and eating. This story is in, Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour by Susan Perrow Hawthorn Press, Early Years Series - and it's a great book. If you're into learning about wholesome methods, pediology, I'd recommend this book hands down. Out of all the storytelling books I have, this is the best one. If you like, I'll write it out for you, just let me know. I've use several stories in this book and what a difference. Think about how a story works silently down into you, it's the same for a child. It's magical. They're pretty easy to memorize. There are special techniques that help you memorize stories and also storytime should be done with a certian preparation for the children so they'll listen. Which I can also tell you about. Just let me know if you're interested. If you use this story, you can have him wear some mittens or gloves and this will make a huge difference. If you put mitts on him make it a good thing, a kind of fun thing and pick a pretty color. And I hope the parents will start to get real about what's happening, this doesn't have to become a beginning of bigger issues. Well, sending the very best to you and hang in there.
"It is easy to forget how mysterious and mighty stories are. They do their work in silence, invisibly. They work with all the internal materials of the mind and self. They become part of you while changing you." --Ben Okri
