UPDATED: My Mom's Boyfriend

Big, massive, humungous red flag...flying right in her face. I would be looking the dude up. With social media the way it is, it's pretty damn hard to hide anymore. Go get 'em girl.

It sounds like he is still married. Can you do a background check on him? There are websites that only cost about 35 dollars.

Having truck drivers in my family I can understand not being able to get home for some holidays but not ALL holidays. He might have other girlfriends around the country as well. This story sounds like some I have heard on the TV when men are married to many different women.

I would politely voice your concerns to your mom. Sometimes people see more when they are looking at a relationship from outside of it.

red flags right and left. i'd be pretty upset if i were you.
but your mom is an adult. she gets to pick her risks. so long as he's not abusing her or spending her money, it's really none of your business, i'm afraid.
khairete
S.

Sounds like he's married.

Still Married and has kids I bet.

Background check.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's still married.

The fact that he's gone for every single holiday makes he suspect he is still married and has a family.
As long as all she's doing is feeding and housing him I wouldn't say anything. Your mom must have her suspicions, but like you said, she is smitten so she is turning her head the other way.
I would only say something if she starts GIVING him money, or cosigning on loans, things like that. Even then, she may be so desperate for his company and attention she might not heed your advice.
Sigh. I hate to see conniving men taking advantage of lonely older women, but sadly it happens ALL the time. I really, really hope this is not the case with your mom, and if it is I hope she kicks him to the curb sooner rather than later :(

No, you are not being crazy. Don't hint. Say it straight with no hints at all. Love puts on rose colored glasses and there for they don't see the red flags. You have to point them out ! ! ! !

No man that loves a woman would not want them to meet the family.

My brother and uncle were truckdrivers. You can get stuck. They did. But they also lied about being stuck if they didn't want to do something at home. Look at the map of the cell phone company puts out. There are very few places a cell phone won't have enough reception to work. AND since he's a truck driver, he is always on the move and will pass through a good clear spot to have reception to his cell phone at least once per day.

YES, you should be PROACTIVE. If you really want to be sneaky, install a GPS app on his cell phone and pay for it yourself. Then you will know exactly where he's at.

Good luck to you and yours.

Sounds like he's still married!

Smells like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers and a bill, usually a duck. Hire a private investigator. Or do the investigating yourself. Follow him to where he goes. I'd go over and "meet" his family and see. I mean what can they do? Tell you he's married and to get out of the house??

When my mother was 18 and married (think 60's) my grandmother found out her husband was cheating on her with a distant relative (of my mom's not of his). So my grandmother found out where he was one night, found out that he told my mother he was out with a friend, and asked my mother to go over to that relatives house to pick something up. When she got here, his car was in the drive way and well...you can guess what happened...

Sometimes, you can't see the forrest for the trees and you have to SEE things to believe them. (my mother is still naive about things to this day)

Make her SEE what he is. And yeah, take care of it before he steals everything she owns.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Red flags are up all over my radar on this one. I have many truck drivers in my family spanning multiple generations. While some have had to miss an occasional holiday NONE have ever missed ALL of them. He's either still married or has several relationships going at once. Either way he's a con man.

He may not be asking her for money yet, but I'd bet my last dollar it won't be long. She may soon be hearing the sob story of how he hates to be away from her for sooooo long but he has to work all those hours to pay down those 3 credit cards he "got stuck with." Oh if only there was a way to combine them all into one loan with a much lower payment....then I could cut back my hours and live a normal life here with you...blah...blah...blah. Sadly this happens all the time.

I would absolutely have him investigated without telling my Mom. After the findings come in I would approach her when he's been gone a day or two knowing full well he won't be calling for a few days so that she will have time to process everything and have her thoughts in order prior to speaking with him. He may come back clean in which case I would still address my concerns with my Mom about her financial security and ask her to not give or lend him any money at all.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B.

Please let us know what you find out. And may I say kudos to you for looking out for your Mom. You are a good daughter ;D

I know this is freaking you out.

But she is an adult.

You have said what your concerns are.

She will have to go through this and figure this out on her own.
He could be married. He could just have a lot of ladies in lots of different places, but as long as he is not physically abusing her, not stealing and your mother is fine with him, you will need to step back and let her live this life.

I personally would look into his story.

My mom is married to a man I have never cared for. He is crass, undereducated, used the "N" word.. He is a picky eater. He is boring and thinks he is hilarious..He does not understand personal space. I told my mom EXACTLY how I felt. I told her my concerns.

She had been divorced for almost 20 years, had dated,,, But she told me she was worried about ending up alone and she felt like he was tolerable.

She said as we get older our needs change. And she knew exactly what she was in for..

They have now been married for over 20 years. He is still obnoxious, insecure, immature.. Drives us all crazy, but he is my mothers husband.. So I have to just suck it up. :

If I were you, I'd get his info somehow and investigate him. I'll bet he's really married and not divorced.

If your mom is willing for him to mooch off of her and sleep in her bed, there's nothing you can do. But she should know if he is really divorced or not.

This thing of him having an excuse for every holiday needs to quit. He needs to say that he's spending the holidays with his family if he is. No one dries out their cell phone when it falls in a glass of water - they won't work anymore! I'm sorry your mom is so gullible.

I sure hope that he isn't stealing her money...

Dawn

Hmmm... He could be still married, or at least is in multiple relationships.

Here's what I would do, because I'm a snoop, and I've done this with guys I've dated. If you know his first and last name, you can find marriage and divorce records online quite easily. They are public. You'd just need to know the state or county where the marriage/divorce happened.

Just go to google and look for "divorce records TX". For MN records, it took me about a minute to get to a search page that led me to specific court records by name.

Of course, your mother may ignore clear evidence, or he could make up an excuse for this, too.

He sounds married. In my state, divorce records are public. Stop by your local probate and family court and see what you find. I bet he's not divorced.

Yup. It sounds like he has a second wife/family out there somewhere. Good luck in sleuthing for your mom.

It does sound shady to me too. But really there isn't much you can do. Your mom is of sound mind - she can make her own decisions. I just hope this doesn't backfire on you and cause a riff between you and your mom. Sometimes we just have to stick around to help pick up the pieces.

I'm wondering what city his other family lives in...

Oh Lordy - the man is a long haul trucker with a FAMILY living with your Mom and saving money by not having to sleep in hotels.

Have you tried a simple Google search on him? Amazing things pop up when you google people's names now days.

I hope, for your Moms sack, that he is just a flake. But, if not, be sure you have rock hard evidence for her. She may still resist because when we are smitten we all sometimes don't want to face the truth.

Sending you and your Mom massive hugs.

Playing, nah playing is using for sex, he is after her bed only. Because of your mom he doesn't have to keep a house for his down time. He doesn't sound committed at all.

The problem is if she needs this relationship she isn't going to listen to you it will just cause a fight.

I would just smile and whistle a happy tune. Keep an eye out for serious things like when he tries to get her to lend/give him large sums of money. Then that you didn't lecture her will come in handy since she may still listen to you, ya know?

I will tell you my dad's new wife isn't bad but he *needed* that relationship. I could have told him she was sacrificing puppies to the devil and it was all over you tube and he still would have married her. When people *need* relationships they will ignore anything that makes it sound like a bad idea and after a while they attack you instead.

Your mother is a grown woman and others here have suggested he isn't harming her in any way. Really? First of all, it would be worth the money to do some investigating on my part personally so that I know my momma is safe. IF he is still married or has multiple relationships your mother IS at risk especially if they are having sex and having it unprotected. Your mother IS at risk because if this man is being deceptive to her and she finds out later -it will be very emotional for her. They seem to be red flags but with truck drivers too sometimes those red flags are not what they seemed. One other poster actually suggested coming straight out asking your mom if he is still married-heck I would even ask him myself too-lol.....she might already know that information before you go off digging. She might just not present it to you that way because she is embarrassed or afraid of what you might think about her. So my suggestion-ask your mom point blank if he is still married. Then drop it and follow up with some investigating so you have the proof but just know she may get upset at you for prowling but I would tell her it's because you love her and care about her getting hurt and that she would hopefully do the same for you.

My first thought was he's still married. It sure sounds like it. Can you do a records check to see if there is a marriage license and a divorce decree? The county usually has that information online.

I agree- very strange.

I'd be careful to share your concerns with mom, but in a way that isn't judgmental. Make sure she doesn't have him on any joint accounts, and that if she does want one with him, to move the majority of her money into private accounts.

I have a girlfriend who went through a similar situation with her mom (actually, more than once-- mom is WAY too desperate and trusting).My friend and her sister hired a private detective because they were so worried and mom was in denial. Turns out, they had plenty of reason to be worried-- the mom practically had to pay him to go away.

Ask your mother to use extreme caution financially, and if she makes any loans with him, to have him sign an agreement. (and then make sure to get that agreement in a safe place.)

Sounds like he is married to someone else and is keeping your mom on the side. My mom has a boyfriend too, first one in a LONG time. No one in our family likes him at all. He is crass, smokes cigars, is rude and blunt, my mom pays for stuff for him, etc. Nothing really "major" but not positive, regardless. My mom is taking the ENTIRE month of august off as NON PAID at her company AND they are not saying that her job is safe and she will get it back in Sept. But she is taking the time off anyway so she can travel with him to OR for his class reunion. They are taking his RV. I don't anything about this guy. So I get it. However, my mom is 65 and is old enough to live her life as she wishes, and deal with the consequences of such decisions. As far as your mom goes, she is making her own decisions also. When red flags come up, maybe just say, "that is weird mom, why do you think he does that?" or whatever. She will of course make excuses and justify it, but she will then *know* that YOU think something is going on or don't like what is happening. I just don't thyink there is much you can do. Good luck!

Red flags up.

Even if he isn't marrried, something not quite right IS going on. Since your mom is paying for everything as far as living expenses are concerned, it may just be that he finds it cheaper to 'have a lady friend' in all of his overnight stop locations to save the money of a hotel room and companionship.

As long as she isn't spending tons of money on him or gifts for him, or left him millions of dollars in a will ;), I'm not sure what you can do or should do except wait and be there when the full truth does come out, and it always comes out sooner or later.

In this day and age, we should all be doing a background check on who we choose to date whether they seem suspicious or not.

This sounds eerily similar to a situation that my friend "Lisa" got involved in except Lisa was young enough to get pregnant (and did). It took her five years to catch him in the lie that he not only wasn't divorced, he wasn't even separated but was going to counseling and living with his wife and trying to have a baby.

My first thought was that your mom is the other woman and doesn't know it. Then I looked at the answers and see that a lot of other folks think the same. I'm dying to know if you find out that he's married.

As other's have said, it sounds like he is still married. I see tha tyou did do a background check - did this include a financial report? Does this confirm the maxed out credit cards he says he is paying on, or did he lie about that?

Honestly, even if he is of good character, I would be worried about your mom from a financial standpoint. Does she have enough money to support herself for the next 20 years? Does she have enough money to support herself through a serious illness? If she does not, then she really doesn't also need to be supporting him.

Good luck,
L.

If you can do some PRIVATE investigation, without letting your mom know, you may come up with some information that might open her eyes (or yours)....He sounds like a married man out for something on the side that won't complain because they are desperate. If you find out he is indeed married....NARC him out to his wife and family....HOWEVER, have you asked your mom IF he IS married? If not, ask her, if she says YES, she knows....let it alone and just be there when she needs you.

what does your mom say when you ask her or him about his children?

is that what you mean by not having met his family yet?

fishy butnot sure what you can do besides a back ground check.

He's probably still married.

Or, he's attempting to avoid even the smallest commitment. Committed men have to be there on holidays, single men don't. Single men don't meet families. Single men don't have to be anywhere when someone else wants them to. He's getting the milk for free, so to speak. Why would he leave that behind, when the woman lets it happen. Sounds like your mom just can't be alone. That typically doesn't attract good men wanting to build a life. That attracts men looking for sex, because they know they can get away with it.

If getting a PI makes you feel better, then by all means. Just don't expect your mom to do anything about the information. She wants a man, and this is the man who is there. Just continue to keep your eyes open. You don't want your mom losing all her money to the dude.

I agree that something smelss rotten.
BUT I wouldn't take it upon yourself to investigate him.
Unless your mom is REALLY naive, she may suspect something herself.
She's an adult.
Have you expressed your concerns to your mom? In a gentle way?
I would make sure I didn't hurt my mom in any way because in 20 years shell still be your mom even if this jerk is long gone!
Good luck!

I wouldn't be so quick slough off a theft charge-stealing is a crime-and people who steal are less than stellar with respect to their character.. Your mom really should think more of herself than to let some floor-flusher take advantage of her-he might even have another woman somewhere else which explains his absence during holidays. Yes-you should be more proactive about her financial safety-not sure how you should go about that. Why not try a case search to see what trouble he's been in-like what did he steal? Checks, credit cards, bread? It would be good to know. Be careful and good luck!

He sounds like a complete douche, whether he's playing her or not. I would talk to her about it and tell her how worried you are and that she deserves better. He's a loser obviously!

Wow, of course you're not crazy. This guy is completely playing your mom. He either has another family, or he is just one of those guys who gets women to give him money.

Maybe you can show your mom all these posts which will probably all agree with you. So I think you should definitely say something, but if she refuses to listen to you, then ultimately she is an adult and there is nothing you can do.

Reading your What Happened: Background check, good idea ladies! (Duh.)

.

How often is he at your mom's? He could have multiple women in various cities along his route so he never has to stay in hotels! If so, in addition to the possible financial problems there could also be health issues to be concerned about.

I would be digging. Google him for a start, find him on facebook - create a new account in a different name, and "friend" him, say you knew him from school. Find out where he is from and go there and ask around and look. A background check will only tell you if he has done time, not if he is married or a liar!