I've been dating someone for over 1 1/2 years. He has a daughter that lives with her mother in Louisiana. I haven't met his daughter nor anyone from his family. He travels home to Louisiana at least once a month. He doesn't call or answer his phone in the presence of his family. Just today we were having a conversation while he was waiting for his daughter to come out of school. When she was about to get in the car, he abruptly ended our coversation, in mid sentence, and said his daughter was about to get in the car. I have a son that he's been in his presence 2 times. My son is 11 and his daughter is 13. He claims that his daughter is very protective of him. Is this normal for his daughter and his twin and father don't know that I even EXIST? I'm 38 and he's 39 years old.
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I think I should end this relationship; but sometimes I think he's kinda "slow" (mentally) and that's why he's not handling a mature relationship. I've asked him to spend more time with me, my son, and for me to meet his family. His response is "I want to do more, I'm going to do better", but nothing changes. As far as his ex, now that I think about it, she still has control over him. He's fixed her car, paid her light bill, etc. but I excused that because his daughter is effected by those things. But once, he bought his daughter some clothes and was waiting til the next day to take his ex's other daughter shopping and his ex didn't know about it and she fussed at him for not buying her clothes too. The next day when he bought her clothes, he was SITTING in the house and the ex told the daughter to say thank you and apparently he was watching tv and the ex started fussing at him cause he was paying attention. He told me this story, so I figured he wasn't trying to hide anything. I've looked him up on the internet and "monitor" his facebook account. All he seems to do is play Mafia wars, yoville, and FarmVille; and he plays Madden on his days off. Oh yeah! our conversations get cut short or he doesn't answer when he's playing Madden. I know it's over, it's been over for a long time. I've just been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO END IT! I don't want to hurt his "feelings". Sad to say, I think I have some mental issues with this relationship!
Ok. I DID IT! The conversation lasted 1:38 minutes! I said that I was thinking about us and I don't think us should be anymore. There was silence, so I asked do you agree and he said yes! Then we hung up! I thought I would be sad, but I got angry 'cause he didn't ask why? But now, I actually feel that a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Now, I have to be strong! Thank you all so much, just hearing the same thing from different people in different walks of life, just gave me the confidence to do it. I think I'll go see that Tyler Perry movie, "I can do bad all my self" tonight! :)
If I were you I would get to the bottom of why you "don't exist" with his family? If you are not able to get that and make the change asap I would end it!!!! Either something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about or the ex and family still have "control" over him.
NO this is not normal,something is going on.....he may still be married,or just living together for now. This sounds fishy and you need to run the other direction.
My first thought was along the same line as others' posts. He sounds suspiciously married to me. I would flee in the opposite direction without looking back.
Hi L.R.,
No it's not normal. Do you have proof that he's divorced? My first thought was that he's still married and you're his chick for when he's over here. Not your fault since you couldn't have known that.
I think, if you're planning on ending it anyway, is to use logic to help yourself out. Does he treat you the way you want? Do you want more from a relationship? Do you like being hidden from his family and friends. Do you really want to be put in this position by ANYONE? You are not married to this man - it would be easier to get out now. Don't be afraid to be alone...be afraid to stay and be treated badly! Or ignored.
God bless you with whatever you decide. I know it's tough...real tough...the only person who can decide is you. But be true to yourself first or nothing will work out. If you leave and stay strong, he might come around to being different towards you and you might like that. If you stay and enable him to continue on this path, he will experience no pain and therefore he won't have a reason to change.
Best of luck. I hope it works out for you.
D.
Go with your gut on this....somethin' smells fishy. If you said it was a couple of months, I could understand, but 1 1/2 years!?!
I'd get while the gettin's good.
Margaret :)
Hi LR,
We can only speculate as to why he is acting like this, but it IS odd behavoir. It makes me think two things:
1. He's married
2. There is some reason he isn't supposed to be with you and his family will tell you if you meet them.
or a possible, and less scandalous third option: He's embarrassed of his family. But that couldn't possibly apply to his daughter, right?
Do you have religious/ cultural/ racial differences? Maybe his family is intolerant?
We can speculate all we want, but he's the only one who can tell you. IF you feel like it is destroying your trust, tell him that you want to meet his family or it is over. Then you'll either find out that you're not too important to him when it comes down to it, or you'll find out what this is all about.
I'd get to the bottom of this, personally. I hope it is nothing serious.
Good luck.
Dear L.R.,
I know you don't want to hurt this man, but he is far too involved with his ex. and his daughters to have a full relationship with you. My sister spent four years of her life trying to make a relationship work that was not going to work. her situation was similar to yours. The man did not introduce her to friends and family . he was hiding something though. He was continuing a relationship with an ex. girlfriend although he was claiming that it was a friendship. Wrong. He dumped Joan as soon as this woman agreed to marry him. This was the same woman he had gotten a divorce from his wife over and it should have brought up red flags for my sister, but it did not. Well, in your case, the man is honest, but he is not introducing you to family and that is fishy. So, I think you should get out before it is too late and you waste your life on a relationship that will not go anywhere. J. k.
You don't want to hurt his feelings??? What do you call what he's been doing to your feelings. You are correct, he is still under the control of his ex...maybe still secretly carring a torch for her, especially if he buys clothes for her "other" daughter. Don't spend any more time with this bum because it'll go nowhere.
Here's my take.
My ex husband and I have a very good relationship. After our divorce, he had a relationship with a women which lasted over 6 years.
I could go on and on but when his relationship ended with this woman, we decided it would be best to take our daughter to therapy b/c it was like another divorce for her to endure (my daughter was VERY attached to the woman's son and the split was a heartbreaker).
After this fiasco, my ex promised he would only bring our daughter into his relationships when a marriage was impending.
You have a relationship with this man and he has a relationship with you. There is NO need to involve the children at this point. Single people date and may date different people over several years, there is no reason to involve the kids in these relationships. Any possible breakups are hard enough for the two people involved. No need to put the children through it as well.
I am in NO WAY saying that this man doesn't take you seriously! You should really respect how he deals with relationships and his kids....Cautiously. This is a guy who thinks things through and cares about people!
I think you are a lucky gal. When the time comes, he will introduce you to his entire family.
Children of divorce have to go through a lot. I know this from experience. You don't want a child of divorce to have to go through being attached to different people and losing them. Your man sounds serious and genuine.
Best of luck to you and him!
Are you certain he's being up front about the "family" he's keeping from you? Seems like there are some major red flags... I would find his behavior alarming, especially given the longevity of your relationship. That said, men think differently than we do, so you might want to ask him directly before jumping to conclusions...
I haven't read all of the responses, but wanted to say BRAVO to you for not having your son over-involved with this NON-Man...
I don't know if he is married, seeing someone else or whatever, but what is clear is that he is not a man who is acting like a mature adult, therefore, it is time to MOVE ON.
Don't worry about his feelings - focus on what you need and your feelings. Anytime you start "monitoring" his facebook and other things then you know that you don't trust him. There are trustworthy men out there who act like grown-ups and don't play computer games all day...
Good luck to you and many blessings,
Stacy
your better than this arent you? then tell yourself so and get out this is a mess and if you read this you would think so too. Moving right along...to a better you.
The first thing that comes to mind as I read your post is: Is he really divorced? It sounds as if he is separated from a current wife. The expectations from the ex are a bit out of line for a divorced couple. If he goes to LA monthly, why is the custody not set up for his daughter to come to him the other weekend. It may be that he cuts conversations short because he is still technically married and his daughter would not approve of his behavior. I wish you the best in your relationship.
Hi LR
I think you know what you should do. This relationship is headed for a total train wreck if not already there-
It can go no place and will only lead to more disappointments and heart ache- Think of your son......what is he getting out of the nonsens relationship. I say dump him and the whole mess and look for a more stable lifestyle. You will both be happier in the long run.
good luck and blessings
Just like the book says.....he's just not that into you!!!! Sorry.
Get on with your life and find a man who is really available. He's either still married, ashamed of you, or ashamed of his family. My vote goes with the first choice. He explains his "ex" to you and I'm sure he explains you to her.
I went thru a similar relationship about 18 year ago. I had been praying to the Lord that our relationship seemed "Too Good To Be True" and asked the Lord to show me any reason why I should not marry this man. Well, at 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning (Saturday night), I was awaked by the Lord with a strong message telling me to "Call his Wife!". I looked up and said, "You mean Ex-wife, don't you?" The message came again, "CALL HIS WIFE". So, I called information and got her phone number and called it. Guess what? HE ANSWERED THE PHONE. I couldn't believe it. If they were divorced, he had no business answering her telephone at 1:00 a.m. He was supposed to be at his ranch taking care of his horses and cattle about 130 miles away from where she lived. Then I checked him out. As it turned out, they had filed for divorce but it was never final. I called the county clerk in the county he lived in and the county clerk where she lived. I found out that they had filed, but they never made it final. It was because of the kids and the fact that his "wife" was waiting for him to die so she could inherit the ranch (his separate property thru an inheritance) for their 3 boys. Anyway, as soon as I figured it out, I dumped him and kept the engagement ring. His wife finally called me when she received the VISA bill for my ring and wanted to know what I was going to do with it. I told her that I was keeping it and asked her why she wanted to stay married to a man who went out, fell in love and proposed to other women. She told me that she didn't love him, but she wasn't going to let some "Chickadee" get her hands on the ranch by marrying him. I told her that I had no idea he was married and that I am not a homewrecker so she didn't have to worry. When he called me a couple of days later trying to explain, I said "GOODBYE FRED" and hung up. That's that last I heard from him.
I am so thankful that the Lord rescued me. It really happened that way and I would have had no clue otherwise.
Lady, break it off. You deserve better. The wife has the children and the benefits. You are just a vacation for him. Also, go back to strong moral values and date for dating and don't sleep with them. A good man will respect you for that. A married man won't be interested. If you find a good man who will commit to you, you will have a future with him. The others will just find someone else to use. He just wants what he doesn't enjoy at home. It is so true, as my Mother taught me, "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" The best way to insure a dead-end relationship is to give too much and not expect a commitment in return. Bless you. I hope you do the right thing.
From an outsiders point of view, it seems like your boyfriend may be leading a double life. I understand his daughter may be a little jealous of her dad, but after a year and a half he hasn't addressed the issue. Besides, if he will allow his daughter this much control now, I can't imagine how difficult it will be when she's a little older. The fact that his dad and twin know nothing about you is the real kicker for me. You only hide something or someone you are ashamed of. My advice to you would be to listen to your intuition about this. God gave women a strong intuition as a gift.....use it. Good luck!
RUN, RUN, RUN away from this man. Open your eyes, woman! He's married! Why else would he avoid talking to you when he's away? Just because he lives away from his family for a month and then goes home, doesn't mean he's divorced. People do this kind of "double-life" thing all the time. And if you feel the need to "monitor" his Facebook account, then it's obvious you don't trust him. Confront him with your doubts and concerns. And don't back down. Don't take any of his "I'll do better" B.S. Don't worry about his "feelings". Consider yours for a change. This man is a scoundrel.
You could hire a private investigator, but I'm sure that's pretty expensive. Or call the TV show, Cheaters. They'd probably jump all over this story. I don't mean to make light of your situation, but sweetheart, you need to open your eyes.
Think about your son. Your spending time away from him to be with a guy he's only met twice. Something is wrong with this picture.
Good luck to you.
I would say that you are not the one for him. When men do not take you around their family and their friends that means that there is someone else that his family and friends regard as his woman. It would not surprise me if he were married or lived with someone. It took me five years of this game to realize that the person I was in love with had a wife. Sure he showed me wonderful times at his so called apartment but I later found out that he owned several townhomes and he was just using that location. Being a contractor it was not unusual for him to work nights so those nights that I slept over he told his wife he was working. Run, you've wasted too much time already.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he sees an issue that he can't share with you. I would talk more to him about it, though. Let him know you think it is not normal.
IS HE MARRIED? It sure sounds like he "works out of town" and goes home to LA once a month. I would find this out and QUICK! There are some very deceitful men in the world.
Some years after my husband passed away I was asked out. I liked him, but we have all heard stories. I found http://www.PublicData.com it costs $25-30 a year to look up all kinds of information. (I am not connected with them at all, just sharing an inexpensive sight that I found) I did a search on the man I was seeing. I found he had been married and divorced, what land he owned, he had a driver license, etc. It gave me great peace of mind. Later, I asked him if he would be surprised to learn that I did a background check on him, he said no and he wouldn't be angry because he didn't have anything to hide. I told him I knew that.
I think you really should move on, this relationship is obviously not meeting your needs and he definitely has some "splaining" to do. Let him see this thread and the replys. See what he has to say. It is hard to break it off, especially since you don't want to hurt his feelings, but do you really want to continue a relationship that has run its course and be unhappy yourself at the expense of his feeling? He doesn't really concern himself with your feelings. If it is over, it's over.
Girl, this is not normal!!!I would be questioning whether he is still married or if he even has a daughter. He obviously has something to hide. Maybe I watch to many Lifetime movies, but I would start demanding some answers from him or get out of the relationship.
He's definitely hiding something. It doesn't sound like you guys have a very truthful relationship. It just sounds fishy.
I hope this question doesn't shock you as I have seen this before but are you absolutely sure he's divorced? I wish you all the best!!
Are you sure he is divorced? He apparently is still hung up on his ex-wife if she is an ex and he is obviously hoping to get back with her therefore he doesn't introduce you into the mix because that would anger his ex. The guy has hang up problems for sure and if you are smart you will run fast in the other direction. Life is too short t live this way and it is not a healthy relationship for you or your child. This guy sounds weird. Run, run, run and don't worry about dumping him, be honest that you want more and he is not willing to meet you half way. The time you have spent with him is long past the time to meet his family if he was really serious about your relationship. Don't waste your life any longer because you will live with the regrets for a long time if you don't end it soon.
Dear please get out of this now if he can not face his family and daughter at this point it is never going to happen. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. I truly wish you the best. But dthis situation is bad for you and it will only get worse
L R, just from experience and being able to peek the perks in relationships before they get started, your situation is not normal. You been dating a person for 1.5 years and you have yet to meet his family and his so called protective daughter. This here should tell you this man have something to hide.
I am a single mother and when I do date, I don't bring men around my kids nor inside my house. My relationship has to be very serious and going somewhere before I even allow it. In your case, you been with this man for 1.5 years and I really think this is abnormal behavior not to have any knowledge of this man family other than himself.
Also, the situation about getting off the phone when the child comes. Hummm, could it be someone else in the picture or could he & this child mother still be together and live in the same town you live in? Your relationship is odd and for you to ask the question, you also know that this is odd behavior from this man.
If this man is someone that you care deeply for, then it's time to search the internet or court records for more information. You don't share what you are doing with him, you make the first step for your security, to understand what it is that he is hiding. he is definitely hiding something and it's you.
He is the adult in the realationship, not his daughter, not his family. You should be his top priority.
Search the net for this man life, find out who he is, what he does, do he have a mortgage and whatever else you can find. He just may have a secret and don't want to tell you.
It's normal if he is married! Be careful.
He's hiding something. It may real bad or it may not but he's definitely hiding something. It could only be that he's simply embarrassed by his family and his children would let them know there's someone in his life. It could be as big as he's a criminal or married. The one thing women have is a gut instinct. You have to trust your instinct. I remember dating my husband and he talked about his family but not a lot. I didn't "listen and hear" the negative things he would say about them. I would blow him off and say, I don't think it was that bad. Now I know better. I've had a difficult time with his family. Thankfully, my spouse puts me first and set his family straight. They don't like me but they show me respect because he demands it. So that could be something your boyfriend is hiding or it could be that he has a secret. You're gonna have to talk to him and whatever he tells you. Truly LISTEN and HEAR to what he's saying to you. TRUST your gut. Your gut doesn't lie. Trust it and go with your gut.
Lisa G may be right, but my first thought is he is married / still married, whatever. Something is definitely not right. Not introducing you to them is one thing, but not even talking to you when he is in LA is just weird. Do you even get a text to say I made it ok, will see you soon, etc??? I would dig deeper before investing any more time.
Get out of the relationship. Sounds like the guy is still married. Do you want to be with a man that can't even stand up to his own ex-wife, if that's what she is? He's weak. Then again some women like weak men so that they can tell them what to do and be in control of the relationship/marriage. Make your son a priorty and do not allow him to see you with this man again.
E.
Are you sure he is not still married?
Okay, his daughter may be protective & teenagers can be really ugly with a "new" relationship but what's his reason that the rest of the family doesn't know?
Personal opinion, but, I'd ask why he didn't think enough of your relationship to acknowledge it to his family. Don't accept excuses & if you don't like his answers, it may be time to move on to someone that doesn't want to hide behind excuses.
One and a half years? I had to re-read that to be sure what it said. Sounds like very shady behavior, Babe. You deserve better!
Short story for ya....
I have a friend that went off to college. With in the first few weeks she met a girl with the exact same name, first, middle, and last. They began to talk and found that their dads had the same name also.....then when the other girl whipped out a family picture there was her dad standing with this family. Her father had been living two lives for over 20 years ....
He claimed that work took him away from home one month at a time and he would spend a month with each family ...need I say more. Look into it girl don't just take him at his word.
Hi L R,
Definetely not normal. I think this man is living a double life and you dont want to see it. He could easily still be married. And going to his wife and family every month. And that would explain why he doesnt talk to you while he is around his family and hide you from his father & twin. I would talk to him and demand answers to all your questions and concerns. A year & 1/2 is a long time not to know anything about his family or for you to be kept in the dark if he is NOT hidding something from you.
What are you expecting from him? Where do you think your relation is heading? Are you willing to stay in a relationship where you are a secret? Ask yourself these questions and you will know what to do. But definetely talk to him. Dont wait any longer.
Good luck and hope that it has a pretty/happy outcome.
Take care!!
As for the daughter, some people don't want to introduce children until there is an engagement, or until permanence is known to be sure thing.
BUT--for his father and twin not to know about you? Hmmm.... I do know someone who didn't tell his family for 2 years and he was just extremely shy, but I think that is the exception, not the norm. It's time to have a heart-to-heart with him. Don't push about the daughter though. That's totally up to him while you are dating. Don't be on the attack when you bring it up, because that could end the relationship. Tell him how this makes you feel and see if you can politely, calmly get to the bottom of it. If he can't open up about his life to you AND to his family (father and twin at least) after 1 1/2 years, and can't give you a good reason (that seems to be true), it may be time to rethink things. Does his family expect him to get back together with his ex?
I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck.
I can understand him not wanting his daughter to meet you if he wasn't sure where the relationship was going in order to protect her because I've seen the effect it has on children seeing different men or women come in and out of their parent's life. I'm not sure of your beliefs but if you pray about it, the Lord will reveal what His will for you is and you can have peace knowing your decision was based on the plan that God has for you. Then just talk to your boyfriend face to face. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
God Bless you,
K.
this might sound odd so forgive me, but have you tried to google his name or do a background check? My first thought was that he is married.
When men choose to keep the woman that he is involved with away from his immediate family, it means that he has no plans of making the relationship any deeper than it is, basically you are not the one he is going to marry or at least no time soon. Men that intend to move a relationship to the next level and or are serious about the relationship, will in fact make sure that everyone that is important to him, knows and eventually meets the woman in his life.
Sounds very much like his "ex" is not actually his "ex." His actions sound very much like a man that has his cake and is eating it too. You're right. You need to end this -- if not for you, for your son's sake. Don't allow him to get involved in such a questionable relationship and, not to mention yourself, then end up getting hurt. This can definitely influence his perception of an adult relationship -- one that is NOT healthy.
Well you just may want to do a little detective work. Sounds like he may be married to me.
Hurting his feelings at this point , should not be any concern to you , as he does'nt seem to mind hurting yours. You and your child are worth more than this , and as long as you allow him to treat you this way , he will. If you have nothing to hide , "Hide Nothing" , that is how I feel about his secrets! It is time for you to love yourself and realize you are worth so much more , and you have someone out there for you once you end this unhealthy relationship , the longer you put it off , the longer you will find happiness. Love Yourself!Please!
I hate to say this but he is married.
Think about it.
My husband is from LA and has several friends who work over here during the week and go back to LA on the weekends.
It sounds as if he has the same work arrangement but just goes home once a month.
I would attempt to put this in my best mamasource voice, but you need something different. Your "boyfriend" is either married or in a committed relationship with someone in Louisiana. His behavior is very normal for a married man having an affair. I could explain what each of his actions really mean, but I'm sure your natural instinct has already told you this relationship isn't on the up and up. Follow your instinct and move on to more productive things in your life. Don't do a background check, hire a private investigator, or ask him any questions. Your gut tells you that he is lying. If you ask him questions he will only tell more lies. End your relationship, don't communicate with him, and move on with your life. There is someone out there who is better for you who will treat you with the love, dignity, and respect you deserve.
Your son needs you to be the best you can be. Please don't let this person who is not looking out for your best interest cause you unnecessary heartache that will affect your relationship with your son and your ability to be you.
Hi LR, I had a boyfriend like that about 10years ago. I would dump him! Do it over the phone and then abruptly hang up! If he acts like that you have no future with him. He is not caring about your feelings and for someone to love you caring about your feelings is number 1. You need a nice guy who puts you first.
I would be concerned, but not paranoid at this point. You need to have "that" conversation with him about where all this is going. He may not be convinced of anything long term as of now and therefore would be reasonable in not introducing you to his family/daughter. Don't be accusing, but do have that talk. You have a right to know having invested this much time in it. Normally, women tend to put more stock into things than men do and we normally get hurt because of that.
It sounds ODD to me too! Follow your gut instinct because something is not right about all the secrecy. He sounds like he is definitely hiding something! Have you ever seen any pictures of his daughter or family? He says he is "protecting" his daughter but what is he going to do if you two ever get married, introduce you the day of the wedding??? It just doesn't make sense!
Some people are very protective of their children which I think is a good thing. Also, some divorces specifically state that the children may not be introduced to boyfriends/girlfriends for a specific amount of time. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions here. That seems very unfair. Just talk to him about it in depth. If he won't talk about it or give you much of an explaination then it may be time to get suspicious.
I could understand possibly that his daughter would be kept in the dark. Maybe she has trust issues or it's in the divorce decree. But the rest of his family? Not so much.
When my ex and I lived in different towns, he had live-in girlfriends who knew nothing about me, just as I knew nothing about them. When one of them found out about me and my daughter from a picture, he told her we were divorced. Fortunately, this woman was smart enough to smell a rat and somehow found my information and got in contact with me. It was definitely a shock, but I am eternally grateful.
After a year and a half, you probably have some idea where your relationship with him is going. If it is getting more serious, then I would insist on him telling at least the adult members of his family, and if not, I would insist on a REALLY good reason why not. If the relationship is already on shaky ground, be assured that secrecy will not improve matters at all. In any case I would demand to know why he hasn't told anyone. The reason could be simple, or it could be something with broad and sweeping consequences for not only him, but also for you and your son.
I don't know, it just sounds fishy. The fact he doesn't have any communication with you when he is there is weird. You guys have been going out for awhile, I would say this is a red flag and I might push a little harder to get to the bottom of this. I mean, he could have a lady on the side down there with as much as he travels and that is something you need to find out. I would press him, he's not your husband at this time so if he gets angry or super defensive and still keeps you away from all contact with the family and there is no contact when he is there I would dump him. Secrecy is no friend in a committed relationship. Good luck!
