My 24-year-old son who has never been married is in a relationship with a 28-year-old recently divorced woman who has three daughters. This is only the second relationship he has had in his life. He did not attend college and is working a full-time job just making ends meet. How can I advise him that this relationship has all kinds of red flags? Look, I understand the whole thing about "he's an adult; let him live his life and make his own mistakes and learn from them." The point is, I'm still his mother. I would like to see him avoid a potentially bad situation.
My daughter married two men I didn't like. She is now divorced twice.
I simply stated to her both times I did not like her choices but I wanted her to be happy. She was for a while, then miserable. I never said 'I told you so" I just told her I love you and I am so sorry.
All you can do is love him and be there for him.
You are his mom. He's an adult. He's not going to listen...he's going to make his own choices. If you try to advise him you are gong to make him feel judged. You will just drive him away if you are critical of his relationship.
has he asked you?
if not, zip your lip.
he will be taking on a lot of challenges with this relationship but that's doesn't mean he shouldn't do it.
if he were with another 24 year old working a full time job to make ends meet (which is most people in their mid-20s including my sons who did go to college) and didn't have any kids it could still be a potentially bad situation. there are wonderful young divorcees with children and super psycho single gals. you just don't know.
you've done your job. at 24 he shouldn't have to put up with dating advice from his mom.
unless he asks.
bet he hasn't.
khairete
S.
I wouldn't talk about this relationship at all. I would focus on him and his idea of how he sees his life moving forward. What are his goals? Dream? You can't protect him from potential relationship issues and if you say anything the girlfriend could use it to turn this into a 'she doesn't want us to be happy' situation drama and drive a wedge between you and your son.
Now I'll share a story with you. The son of one of my friends married a wonderful woman who turned out to have mental health issues. The marriage fell apart after 4 yrs and he set down rules for future dating. Nobody with children was the first rule. He dated several women and none of them worked out. He started dating a woman who had 2 children ages 5 and 3. His mother was all like 'just watch out that she's not looking for financial support for those kids' and was very negative about it.
Turned out she wasn't looking for a daddy for the kids. They already had a father who she shared custody with. She was looking for a life partner which she found with this man. They ended up getting married and having a child together and have lived happily ever after. My friend opened her eyes and heart to this woman and her children and found that she was so wrong in her first view.
As parents we love our children with all our heart and only want the best for them. Sometimes that clouds our vision. If it turns out that this woman isn't a goo fit for your son then your job is to focus on him. For now keep your mouth shut about your concerns.
J.
This is the same son who can't handle it on his own and is living for less then normal rent in a condo that you own?
you need to let your son fail. You need to kick him out of the condo. He needs to learn how to support and take care of himself. He's 24 years old.
He should, by now, be able to earn a respectable living, even without a college degree. He can be some type of laborer.
He needs to know how to pay his own bills and live within his means. Stop "mothering" him. He's an adult. He's ALREADY **IN** a bad situation because you are NOT forcing him to grow up and man up.
IF this chick is dating your son? WHY? what does he offer her? Seriously? WHAT? It's not like he has some great job and will be a great provider to her and her kids. She's getting her ya-ya's out.
Your son won't know how to live his life because you are living it for him. He doesn't have to pay REAL rent. He doesn't HAVE to provide for himself. YOU bail him out EVERY TIME...he doesn't KNOW HOW TO MAKE SOUND decisions because YOU make his decisions for him.
Tell him he MUST get an education - whether it be at a college or trade school and he MUST be responsible for his actions. Tough love. It's about time
He is an adult. Unless he asks for your advice, you keep your mouth shut.
If you butt in and try to drive a wedge between them, it will backfire and only make him closer to her and more distant from you.
As much as we hate some things as moms, we have to let go and allow our children to be adults and accept the responsibility and consequences that come along with making their own decisions.
Yeah sometimes you can see the train wreck coming from a long way off but you can't say anything about it because no one will listen.
My sister has been in many train wreck relationships.
Like a moth to a flame it's like she's drawn to them.
Our Mom has tried to warn her to no avail.
Sis just gets mad at Mom instead of at her own choices.
But then Sis is the kind of person where everything that goes wrong is always someone else s fault.
Say nothing unless asked.
When it all goes wrong - resist the urge to say 'I told you so'.
It's got to be one of the toughest parts of parenting but you have to realize some things are out of your control and it's best not to try to be.
Unless, he's desperate and has low self esteem, I'm sure he'll see the red flags too.
My BIL lived at home, didn't go to college, and didn't have relationships until he was middle aged.
He ended up getting involved in a toxic relationship.
When it went bad, he called my husband who gave him advice (because he was asked). It didn't matter. My BIL didn't take it.
What I'm trying to say is - If your son has his head screwed on right and has common sense, good self esteem and self worth, he'll make the right choices.
Just be there for him if he wants advice. Hopefully you have a good relationship. Keep the lines of communication open and be respectful.
Whatever you do - don't treat him like a child and don't offer advice if he doesn't ask.
If he marries this woman do you still want him to be in your life? To bring his wife and daughters (who would be your granddaughters) to see you? If so, tread lightly. What you say is 100% spot on, he is an adult and he will not take kindly to you meddling in his relationship.
You haven't mentioned exactly what any of the red flags are, unless you are holding it against his girlfriend that she is divorced with 3 children. If that's not a red flag for your son, it shouldn't be for you. What are you worried about? ANY relationship one enters into is a risk and can end up being a "potentially bad situation" He could be dating a young lady you see has perfect in every way and still, bad situations can happen. My girls are both dating nice boys, but I'm always going to worry about them if/when things sour. Of course we would like to see our children avoid potentially bad situations, but you can't. Let it go because it is out of your control.
Is your son asking you for advice? Unless he directly asked your opinion about this relationship or his girlfriend, don't give it! But there is something you can do. Be there for him and listen. Ask questions about his feelings, especially when you see him down or struggling. Ask him questions and prompt him to share with you. He is going to be reflecting, and that's a good thing. Empathize, and let HIM do the talking. It may take awhile, but if this relationship is really not right for him, he's going to figure it out eventually himself. and probably sooner than if you try to talk him out of it. Also, be kind to his girlfriend (even if you secretly really dislike her). He's going to see the contrast. Mom's always being thoughtful and nice while girlfriend may be cranky and negative. Be there for him, and have patience.
A little over a year ago, you posted about your son mooching off you, living in your condo on your dime, and dating a financially irresponsible woman with mental health issues. You, and everyone else, warned him that the relationship was toxic and you hoped he wouldn't stay with her, giving her money, and perhaps getting her pregnant. You worried that kicking him out of your condo would make him desperate.
Now, 14 months later, he barely getting by (you don't say where he lives - still in your condo?), and he's in another bad relationship with a woman a little older and with the baggage of 3 kids. I don't know whether you kicked him out of the condo and he hooked up with a woman who has a house, or whether he overreacted to everyone talking about his immature girlfriend and raced to one who seemed more stable, with a family. Maybe she is needy and strokes his ego because she can't make it without a man (you said she's recently divorced and now has brought a younger man into the lives of her 3 children - which isn't so smart), and if perhaps it feeds his ego to finally have someone who says he's capable and competent. Just raising points for you to contemplate.
I don't know everything that happened in between, but I'm going to guess that your son has shown signs of immaturity and poor judgment for many years, including during the time he lived under your roof as a minor. Maybe he didn't. But here's the bottom line: your son is immature, somehow got into his mid-20s without any sort of relationship (was he sheltered? just not interested? constrained/restricted?), and he cannot manage his finances. Maybe he's just enamored with sex and freedom. Maybe he is insecure and can't be alone. In any case, he is extremely limited in real-life skills related to work, social and sexual relationships. He doesn't have a long-range plan, he doesn't have any sense of budgeting, and I'm not sure he knows what's involved financially in supporting 3 children (not to mention the potential long-range repercussions if he has a child with this woman).
If you don't want to let him fall & fail, then the absolute only thing I can think of is a full-scale intervention with family and good friends with (and this is vital) a highly trained professional facilitator. But don't do it halfway or think for one second that you can do this yourself. Even without knowing what role you and his father have played up to this point, I can say for sure that this situation is well beyond having well-meaning amateurs manage it. I also think you should get some counseling to sort out your feelings and make some sort of plan about how you're going to handle him and what you're doing now that maybe should be changed.
What kinds of red flags?
You say to him: "Look, I understand the whole thing about "he's an adult; let him live his life and make his own mistakes and learn from them." The point is, I'm still your mother. I would like to see you avoid a potentially bad situation. This relationship has all kinds of red flags." And then you shut up, let him be a man, and never bring it up again.
My friend had 9 kids and married a man with no kids. They were very happy until his death.
At 24, it's up to him to figure out whether this relationship is a bad situation or not. As a mom of young adults, when I say that my kids are adults and will make their own mistakes and learn from them, I actually mean it, it's not something I say until I see my sons doing something that I think might be a mistake and then forget about that and start giving opinions/advice that were not asked for. I think this is what makes them comfortable sharing things about their lives with me. Good luck!
I take it you want your son for yourself and no girl will ever be good enough?
You have done everything in your power to ensure your son is unable to care for himself since you do it all for him.
He's an adult. However, he's still living under your roof, granted, it's your rental unit, but you are losing money on this condo so you can "help" him. You're not helping him. You are hindering him.
Cut the apron strings, mama. Let your son be a man.
I would probably steer him away from taking on 3 kids with a recent divorcee. I've seen a number of my husband's coworkers adopt their new wive's kids, then get divorced and they never recover from the payments. Some of these guys seem so anxious to have a woman by their side that they don't make good decisions. It doesn't sound like he can take this on. If his long term goal is to get married, he probably needs to think through what type of partner he can handle and then put himself in a position to meet those people. I have to admit...I got married a little older and one criteria I had before I would even go out with someone is that they did not have a prior family. I realize there are many reasons for divorce, but when kids get in the picture....it can be difficult to make it work. Since he is so inexperienced, perhaps you can talk with him about all the possible consequences if he should go on to get married.
