UPDATE* I Am Going to Stop Today and Get Some bMy 5 Yr Old Son Is Out of Control

There is a site called www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com that has tons of well, free behavior charts you can print. :) They are extremely helpful to my kids. You can make one for morning routine, bedtime routine, etc. Also in the left side bar are tons of helpful articles on parenting, including a section on Behavior Management. Scroll down for awhile until you see Articles of Interest. I thought some of this may be useful to you.

As a pediatric specialist and mother of 5 I say, Talk Less, Act more and act immediately. Immediate and brief. Your son has the behavior problems but you also have the parenting challenges and if you don't change your responses to him, his behaviors won't change and will get worst. SO, that being said, you can go to my blog at www.NSPT4kids.com website and check out the behavior articles there but concentrate on ABC, antecedent, behavior, consequence. HIs behavior is either attention seeking or avoidance seeking or sensory seeking. FIgure out what happened before, what happened, and what you did about it, and extinguish the bad behaviors and replace them with good ones. ALSO, DO YOU HAVE ANY BEHAVIOR, ADHD, OR MOOD DISOREDERS in your family history? Be realistic, and get him help if he needs it. Good luck!

Hi F.,

Your parenting for your two other children sounds like it is working. However, each child is different and it sounds like your 5 yr. old son needs a different parenting style. You know... what works for one doesn't necessarily mean it works for another. When times are tough with him, bite your tongue.... and don't say... "Why can't you just listen to me like your sister and brother do?" Not saying you do, but if you do, this will make him respond worse and eventually learn to resent his siblings.

He sounds like he needs things broken down into STEPS for him to succeed. It sounds overwhelming in his eyes and he probably doesn't even know where to begin. It could be ADD or it could be that as he is getting older, and more is being required of him to do things independently and he is in need of sorting through things. I was an elementary teacher before having my own kids, and I'll tell you that making a LIST for some of the kids help them succeed TREMENDOUSLY.

I think he needs a MORNING CHECK OFF LIST to remind him to stay focused. My kids don't have ADD and it still helped them when I did this for them in kindergarten through second grade. They outgrew their need for their own list and now as 4th graders, they just do what they know they need to do before school. You can have your son check off or put a happy face after he does the task..... ie...

_____ 7:30-7:45 Eat Breakfast

_____ 7:45- 8:00 Bathroom Time (specifcally state what needs to be done)
(Use toliet, wash hands, brush hair, and brush teeth)

______ 8:00 Get school clothes on

______ Now I can relax and READ until Mom is ready to leave. (Have special fun type magazines that can only be used during this time such as Ranger Rick.)

Make sure to have him agree on the clothing choice THE NIGHT BEFORE. Have all papers signed, homework done, etc... by the time homework is done that very same evening. Backback, jacket, projects, gym shoes, etc... that he needs should be all ready to go the night before. A section for all of these belongings would be nice. Google organized mudrooms or such.... on this to see what I am talking about.( each child has his own coat hook, shelf, etc..)

DO NOT show a lot of angry emotions when he doesn't do what you've asked him to do and don't respond out of anger. (Not saying you do...) SHOW a LOT of praise when he follows through with tasks and monitor him throughtout the morning. Yes... it will be work on your part, but it will be well worth it and it will be pay off! ie... "Oh... Jake, I see you already have two smiley faces drawn by your morning to do list. THAT is so AWESOME. Okay... I am going back to making lunches now. I can't wait to see some more smiley faces on your list.

I used a site called dltk.com years ago to make my free printable list that you can customize. (Of course there are several websites as well as just making your own with paper and crayons.) Reward him by some time alone with him... mommy and son time to ride a bike, walk to an ice cream store and chat just the two of you, etc.... Of course your other kids will need their own time too with you.

From my experience as a teacher, so much of what results in the outcome of a child, is how the adult reacts to the response. If you ask him Why questions a lot when he misbehaves, try to do less of this. Why questions are often abstract to young kids. ie... Why aren't you ready, yet?, Why are you just playing with your toys. It's so late. Why do you still have on your pajamas?

Instead try.... "Jake, let's see how quickly you can go change into your clothes. I bet you can do it in less than 2 minutes." He comes down in 2 minutes all dressed, say... "Wow, you can be so responsible. I am proud of you for doing what needs to be done. You'll be able to make it to school on time today. Great job at listening, honey!"

Try not crying over spilt milk while driving to work.When I was a teacher, I used to use my commuting time to be a reflective learner....Okay, so my approach didn't not work with Katie, what can I DO DIFFERENTLY to try to get her to respond better next time?

I am all "ears" if you need anymore help, just pm me.

All my best,
J.

Breathe. This is not the worst thing that could be happening. Your kids are happy and healthy. Count your blessings.

Here are a few things that have worked for me:

Have everything ready the night before. Help him pick out the clothes he wants to wear and get his morning snack ready so he can just get up and do it.

Bust out a stopwatch and make it a game. Time him. You can do that and get yourself ready at the same time if he has all of his stuff set out the night before. Tell him if he can beat 20 minutes every day for a week, he'll get to pick dinner on Family Night (or whatever your family does together on the weekend).

If he has a hard time remembering what to do next, go to Hobby Lobby and get a posterboard...make a list and put it on his wall. We had one...it said 1. Get up and get dressed in CLEAN CLOTHES; 2. Take your vitamins; 3. Brush your hair; 4. Brush your teeth; 5. Coats on, bags in hand, LET'S GO!

Be creative. Kids LOVE creative parents and will want to cooperate. Sit down and ask him how YOU can help HIM to do better. If it means that you get up 20 minutes earlier to just spend some quality time with him and the rest of the kiddoes, do it. You can't get this time back...so try not to rush through everything. He's FIVE years old...still just a little guy. Be patient.

Best of luck!

ETA: Also, you need to make a house rule. NO yelling. Yelling is not necessary and does not help. It should be for emergencies only (like when someone is about to run into the street). If you are frustrated because your kids don't hear you when you yell and don't take you seriously...it's probably because you are yelling too much. They're tuning you out.

If you really want their ear, speak firmly but quietly. When I'm upset with my boys, they really know it...because I get even quieter. It silences their arguments because they have to be quiet to listen to me.

ETA2: After reading several responses after me, I urge the moms who are mentioning AD/HD to consider some NON-medical methods FIRST, and to work on your own responses before jumping right to "It's gotta be AD/HD!"

In the medical community there's a saying: "If you hear hoofbeats, think HORSES, not zebras." F. has already admitted to being at the end of her rope...and her reactions are reflecting that. Don't y'all think her son's behavior might be affected and even worsened by her increasing anxiety and frustration? Children and pets are the best guages of adult behavior...

Best of luck to you, F.!

You mentioned it's been the last 9 months or so...My five year old REALLY started struggling with behavior when he started Kindergarten. Not at home...just at school...we're working with school counselors, his teacher, and his pediatrician to see if there are some anxiety issues that need addressed...or what else it could be. I also have 2 other kids in school that love school and never have had any behavior issues. Could there be something that has changed in the last month that is causing him anxiety and he doesn't know how to handle it? I think when a young child really starts feeling anxiety and fear...it can be a scary and frustrating thing for their little brains/emotions to process.

Another thought to ponder...when my son can tell he's stressing me out or frustrating me...it makes it WAY worse. I think the thought of me not being able to hold it together scares him (?). I will not yell. I know it's hard...but if you keep at it, it really does not take too long for the habit to change. It's not hard anymore for me to not yell. I get down to his level and firmly, but in control, say, "We have a family rule about that...this is the consequence"...etc. I say it only once and then enforce it. Once I have said it once, I do not say another word...it doesn't need explaining...I don't need to convince that what he did was wrong. I try to point out when he's done something I like ("I really appreciate you helping ____ when he fell off his scooter outside")...but I don't go overboard on that either...kids can tell when you're going overboard on the positive. It may not be your parenting so much as the fact that he is just a different child...and may require tactics that you have not had to use.

One last thought. One thing that has really helped me...is to have a plan. What frustrates me the most is when my child disobeys, it catches me off guard, and I don't know how to handle it. Come up with family rules (It can be as simple as just three - BE KIND, SHOW RESPECT, and LISTEN AND OBEY THE FIRST TIME). Know ahead of time what you will do for each rule that is broken. In our family, you hit - you sit (time out), If there is arguing, both parties have to sit down until they can tell me what they themselves did wrong, if you don't listen and obey the first time w/ regard to putting something away...it goes in the ransom box (http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/the-ransom-rubbage-box-ta..., if it's regarding something else... privileges are lost. Generally, I find when my children are disrespectful - they want something of me - and they simply don't get it..and I ignore them. When we don't have a plan...it's easier to fall back on habits (i.e. yelling).

Best of luck to you...It has been a rough year for us too...know you're not alone!

Ok, one last thought...lol...When my little guy was 3-4 he started struggling with yelling. I did not know what to do...because I didn't want to yell back. I finally...very calmly told him that that was the perfect kind of voice to use if he is on fire. When I hear him yell and scream like that I will assume he is on fire, and treat him as such. I just kept a little spray bottle around and gave him a couple squirts. I don't know if that would work for everybody...but it sure kicked the yelling problem with our kids..

If you give him the snack and he doesn't want it don't make a big deal. Tell him if he doesn't eat it, he will probably get hungry later, but leave it at that. Maybe he's just not hungry.

If my daughter is dawdling, the best way for us to get her moving is without her. Get the other kids in the car, tell your son calmly that it's time to get coats on and get in the car and does he want help. If he doesn't cooperate tell him you are getting in the car now. Go to the car, start it up and pull out of the garage or down the drive a bit. Then wait for him. You may find he becomes quite motivated when he thinks he may be left behind. May sound mean, but it sounds like he may be getting a lot of attention from the misbehavior.

It may taken an embarrising day at the sitters in his pajamas to get him to understand that he needs to get ready like everyone else. He is 5, let him make some of the decisions in the morning and let him experience the consequences.

I hope you listen to me.

Stop being so punitive with him. He is ONLY 5, just a baby kindergartener. Some kids are slow. Some kids want more time with mommy, and your son is probably craving that.

Please stop all the punishments. If he won't do it, just forget about the snack, pick up his coat, and put him in the car. Don't worry if he isn't all "ready." Life will go on. He can go to school without his coat, just bring it with you.

Some kids are slow, and some of them are slow because they are fighting against the fact that they don't get much time with mom.

Lighten up, and you will find that your life goes much easier. He's just a baby, and like I always say, you will realize that when your kids are grown and you look back at pictures of him now. Love him and cuddle him and stop punishing him. And DON'T tell him he "hurts your feelings." This isn't about YOU. Hello, who is the adult, with the fully-formed brain?

Adults shouldn't be telling babies that they are hurting their feelings because they aren't complying.

Talk to his pediatrician as a starting point. That's what we did when our son's behavior was getting so extreme nothing we tried worked. That got the ball rolling in meeting with specialists and therapists who helped us try to manage his behavior. Our son was ultimately diagnosed with ADHD, which really connected the dots as to why we couldn't control him, despite our consistent, best efforts.

The medical professionals can, at the very least, point you to resources to help. Take advantage of their expertise. It's not normal to cry everyday. I've been there, so I speak from experience. You don't want this to continue as your everyday reality. It doesn't have to be this hard.

ETA: I wasn't pushing ADHD (just relaying my personal experience); just suggesting it's helpful to see a doctor for advice if you're overwhelmed. Didn't expect to get slammed for being supportive.

This sounds like something that should be discussed with your doctor and as a team you should look into the options. I am not saying medication is needed - my son has ADHD, he was diagnosed at 4 but has been showing signs since 2 and around 2.5 we were able to begin making changes in how we raise him. He still struggles with his Adhd but we have ways of handling him and disciplining him that are effective. They do not work for everyone, some do need medication, but from what you have posted here it seems you need a diagnosis (make sure you KNOW what you are working with) some assistance from teachers at school (special ed department can and will help him) and a new approach. If what you are doing works for the other two, great do not change that simply find out what will work best for your son - for now, I would give him a little more of a helping hand and help keep his focus.

Wow. I've gotta say...my heart breaks for your 5 year old.
Some kids are pokier than others.
Maybe try a picture chart, or a checklist.
Sounds like you're breaking this child's spirit.
Have you tried INCREASING love, hugs, cuddles and explanations?

It scares me that you actually wrote: "Im scared that Im going to snap O. of these days and actually hurt him."

It sounds like you need some parenting skills for him more than some bristol board. I'm sorry. Please get some help and find another way. Kids are ALL different. You are scaring him and trying to make him fear you. Is that what you want?

I have an 8 year old and you are expecting WAY too much from this young child.

Does the screaming make you feel better or worse? What are the surrounding factors? Did something significant trigger this initially? How you respond BTW is key. Lay out the expectations before he goes to bed-set out his clothes ect. Wake him up and give him verbal task commands, you have five minutes to put on your clothes, ect look at his sleep pattern as well, he may need more sleep then the other too. I haven’t dealt with this extreme before with my kids but know that when my children don’t get enough sleep they are super cranky refusing to do our morning routine

Sounds like ADD, not that I feel like medication is the choice here but my 5 year old daughter was the same, and can to some degree still be, we removed ALL the red and yellow dyes from her diet BAM! new kid! Took about 5 days for the BAM! and we don't allow for it at all. The health food store have things that don't have red dye in them so she isn't left out at school with popcicles, lolly pops and things of that nature, we don't buy tons of things there
Also when I feel like she is just being bad I get to her eye level and I explain to her very simpley how a good girl acts and I never tell her that she is a bad kid just that she is acting like one, wierd but choice of words means something. and then I ask her to tell me what she should be doing to behaive like a good kid. Then I give her a hug and tell her very simpley what I expect. Like "mommy knows you are a good kid and you can get ready in time so we are not late to school" Another hug is given and she sets off. We do this about 3 to 4 times a week. It also worked on my 3 year old but she only needs it once a week even less sometimes.

I was going through something similiary with my 4 year old son... completely out of hand this kid was! Much embarrassment and trouble with my new relationship. My mother was ill for over a year, and I focused so much on her deathbed that I neglected my son. I recently decided to spend one and a half weeks, full-time with him and my 8 month old baby girl and just FOCUS on HIM - worked like a charm :) Thank God, I prayed for help and guidance, because trust me, I was at the end of my rope too!! I really suggest taking a weekend to just be with your son one on one, and do what you can to keep that alone time going. He's just crying for attention, you may have to show him whose boss one good time! I tell my son he has two choices, listen and respect or deal with the consequences. It's always up to him, and I do stand by my word on that. Remember that every child is just as different and unique as they're pregnancies.. although your other kids may deal with sharing mommy's attention with the others well, your son may have more trouble with it. My best suggestions is to do one on one time with him a LOT, pretend that he's somebody else's kid and connect with him as a friend, talk to him and teach him the concept of respect and trust.. you'll see how great he really is again :) best of luck, you can do it girl!! :)

You could shave off some of the morning routine by having him sleep in his clothes. 2 of my grandsons used to do that and my boss says his 2 girls do it.

Also, don't fight with him over the snack. If he doesn't want it, leave it at home. A day or two of watching everyone else eat a snack in front of him may have an impact. If not, no harm done - just don't send a snack.

Now that the snack thing is out of the way and he's already dressed, all he needs to do before he can get in the car is have breakfast and brush his teeth. Again, if he doesn't want to eat, fine. If he does, tell him he has ten minutes and when that time is up, take the food away and send him to brush teeth. Once that's done, he can get in the car. Hair can be brushed and shoes put on in the car.

A little better planning at night goes a long way. Also, not fighting with them but letting them have what they think they want (no snack) sometimes works to your advantage!

Good luck!

.

F.....I have two boys 6 and 9. My 9 year-old is my challenging one for sure. One thing you could try is talking to him at night before he goes to bed about trying harder to do the right thing in the morning. He may listen more when it is calm and he has your full attention. Maybe try to give him some one-on-one time in the evening. Also, maybe you could reward him for the mornings when he does the right thing by making a reward chart. Decide what the reward will be with him. A school social worker gave me the best advice ever...give him opportunities to make choices....simple ones like what should the family have for dinner..etc. They sometimes need to feel like they have some control in their life. I have been there done that where you feel horrible after they leave for school because you were angry. Try to make a point to hug him and tell him you love him every morning when you drop him off. Even if you are angry. It will make you feel better.
Everyone is always so quick to say ADD ADHD which is so over diagnosed....boys are boys sometimes and that is all it is. They are born with their temperment. They are not going to be perfect and well-behaved all the time....he is still learning and trying to have some control....it is hard to compare children...is it just you that he is giving a hard time? Does he it do it at school? I say...don't worry too much.....he is only 5.