Unhappy Child

Updated on July 11, 2012
J.B. asks from Aurora, OH
10 answers

does anyone have any advice on what to do for a child who is always unhappy? I have a 7 year old that seems to be unhappy every day and does not know why. She is either crying, whining, pouting or just unhappy. She piuts when she does not get her way and complains that no one likes her. She has an older sister who is 10 and she is very outgoing and bubbly and everyone adores her. Her older sister is very smary and is involved in a lot of sports. we try not to compare the two of them but sometimes we do. We tell the younger one that she does not need to be like her sister but i think maybe this has something to do with it. She does not understand that she is younger and sometimes cannot do the same things as the older one and then throws a fit. I cannot reason with her anymore and I have tried everything! Also concerned that maybe she has some ADD symptoms that I havediscussed with the doctor. Please help!

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Dear J.,

Plenty of young children suffer from clinical depression. Do you think that could be a possibility here? You might also take a careful look at her diet, as some common ingredients can be triggers for depressive symptoms -- dairy and gluten (found in wheat) are two of the biggest culprits. It's also possible that she could be being bullied at school or camp, or otherwise mistreated, and be afraid to tell you -- that's very common.

These are just some general thoughts, but you might look for a child psychologist/psychiatrist for her.

Best wishes,

Mira

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

She needs activities all her own-- not ones that are copies of what her older sister does. She should get to choose those activities (but you need to direct her toward things that aren't just like sister's). Is she in Girl Scouts? She would get to be her own person there (but be sure it's not the same troop her sister was in a few years back!). Does she have any interest or budding talent in art, music, dance, a sport?

Please, never expect her sister to include her in play dates at home, and never expect little sister to include big sister when one of little sister's friends is over. It seems fair but it isn't. Do you ensure that she has her own solo play dates with her own friends her age, and is not ever an "add-on" to her sister's play dates? She may say she wants to be in on her sister's play dates, but if older sister has someone over, try hard to invite one of younger sister's own friends for the same time, and have separate activities lined up -- your younger child is still young enough that you might want to have some specific craft set up for her and her friend to do, to distract them away from the older girls. Or have kids over when your husband can oversee older sister's play date and you and younger child go out alone together. How much of your alone time does she get, or do you do everything with both of them together? Think about that. She may need more of your time.

Is she expected always or often to be at her sister's sports practices and/or games? If your older daughter is very involved iin sports -- well, I have seen families where the older kid's sports schedule gradually begins to dominate the whole family's schedule (and it gets worse as they get older). Before the family knows it, everything gets dropped if there is a game. Even if you and your husband have to split up the duties, ensure that little sister is not expected to attend every game, just the truly most significant ones, and during all other games and practices, ensure little sister is somewhere else doing HER activity.

Stop trying to reason with her. You can't. It's pure emotion she's operating on here, and reasoning will only make her defensive and more angry and unhappy. It sounds like, as another poster noted, she has learned she gets some attention if she is negative and unhappy, so she needs to unlearn that -- not by your scolding her, but by your ignoring it. (Scolding or punishing her for being unhappy only gives her "negative attention," and to a kid, that is still attention and still desirable, although adults don't get that.)

It really does sound like she's overshadowed and has found a role for herself in the family where she can get attention focused on her. Discourage that role with positive attention when her behavior is positive. Get her out from under her sister's shadow and take away the attention given for the negative behaviors. By the way, be sure that your own innermost feelings about her are not being damaged by this -- it would be easy even for a parent to prefer the bubbly, outgoing, smart sports star to the high-maintenance, hard-work, unhappy child. Parents don't mean or want to do this but it's human nature. And kids pick up on it.

One additional issue for this fall: If your children are in the same school, be SURE your younger one does not get the same teachers your older one had. Ask the school before the fall to ensure that this does not happen. Despite training to the contrary, teachers WILL compare one sibling to another and even mention it to the "problem child's" face. I've heard it and it's a real crusher for the younger, less bubbly sibling.

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J.W.

answers from Lexington on

I can relate. My older daughter was like sunshine, but the younger one was gloomy and complaining. She was not bored. She couldn't say why she felt so sad and gloomy. I thought it was just her nature and worried she would grow up to be a miserable adult. And she actually got so much WORSE as she got older! She fell into deep depression, and worse!

BUT... it turned out she actually had some physical issues going on!!! She is now a happy adult getting a master's degree in dietetics, because although ALL her issues were not intestinal, a lot of it was. (I have the blog http://www.ItsNotMental.com ... for many years the doctors had said all her emotional problems were "mental" - i.e. "emotional" but the physical issues were affecting her emotions... and anyway, who is bright and sunshiney when they feel miserable?)

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T.M.

answers from Redding on

It sounds like being sad got her some attention during a formative time in her development so she has continued to pattern it and it's become a part of her personality.
Is Eyor one of her favorite cartoon characters? She might gleen a new perspective if she watches Eyor whine and be sad every day, if you watch with her and interject lessons along the way.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi J.,
WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

Is she bored?

Does she have any activities or sports that she enjoys?

Is there O. or 2 kids that she gets along with well? You can foster those friendships by inviting the kid(s) over to play O.-on-O..

Can you role play with her so she knows in advance how to handle some social situations?

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Stop trying to reason with her, ignore the negative, reward the positive. Ignore her whiny, pouty moods, reward her happy moods.

Make sure you are spending enough time with her. She may be one of those people who need more attention.

People are born with certain personalities, and you will only be able to change her so much. If she tends to be a glass half-empty kind of person, that will be her cross to bear. You can only gently encourage her to be more positive. I doubt it's ADD - just her personality.

Try to not be annoyed by it,, so she doesn't feel inferior to her sister, and don't talk to her much about it, either. Best to not give her negative behavior much attention at all.

I have seen dozens of kids grow up by this point, and I can assure you that certain base personalities don't change. Each of us is lucky if/when we are given sunny, easy children. Try to focus on the things you do like about her.

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J.K.

answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like she needs some natural mood lifters like endorphins. Try to get her in some sports or community center activities. If you work out maybe she can do that with you. Also try for the summer some other classes at a rec center or community center- is she a writer? craft? looks like she needs to hone in on something SHE is good at.

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Some things that can help -- it might be useful to work on the whining from a language standpoint. "Instead of saying what is wrong, we try to think of what it is that might help and ask for it," is a phrase I think I use every day with my 5-year-old! She'll say "I don't want to drink water," in a whiny voice, and I try to remind her that it's more polite to ask, "May I have milk please?" Instead of "I'm bored," it's polite to ask, "Can you please get a game down for me?" I try not to get frustrated with my daughter taking a really long time to catch on with this concept. :)

I definitely think that diet could have a lot to do with it... for one thing, I find that Omega-3's are important for mood regulation. If she doesn't eat fish much, try putting some ground flax seed in her breakfast cereal for a while. I've also read that even just 3 or so chocolate chips every day can make us feel special and help regulate mood. Well, whatever you do, it's a good idea to ask a pediatrician for advice as far as diet. And exercise is really important -- she might feel really special if you take time to go for a 10-minute walk (or run!) after dinner with her, or put on music and dance together. I find personally that a run every week is critical for my own mental well-being, plus I need to spend some time dancing and singing too.

Other things that I have seen in research about mood -- getting enough sleep, singing every day, laughing (it's great how kids will laugh at cheasy kid jokes from the Internet), and writing about positive things about our lives are all important. So, maybe jot down a few jokes of the day and when the kids are home from school, tell them the jokes and then spend some time writing notes to your kids -- little tiny love notes but from your perspective, "I am having a great day because when I needed hugs I got great hugs from my girls!" Help your girls write positive notes and send them to you or to each other! "I am glad I will always have a sister to go to when I need help." Or you can help them find jokes to write to each other if positive notes are too corny. Make singing a part of your daily routine, for example, sing them a good morning song to wake them up, or listen to music at meal times and occasionally pause the eating to sing during the good parts.

As a child I was always cranky and I think a good part of that was due to indoor allergies -- is her health pretty good?

If her health is good and there is nothing more you can do for her diet, I would try just pouring your energies in trying to give her positive attention not based on successes (like grades, sports, etc. that would be too high-pressure), but as much as you can about the hugs and kindnesses she displays. Also try to shift your attention to your older daughter away from the successes and toward hugs and kindnesses. Envy can be devastating to the younger daughter -- try everything you can not to set her up for it! Let your daughters put your dinner on your plate for you sometimes if they want, or brush your hair, etc. -- if you need kindnesses to thank them for. Just be as careful as you can to let them share evenly in your attentions! Even watch the language -- instead of emphasizing the word "different" when describing your kids, just try to say that they each have special qualities and you love them the "same." And try if you can to encourage them to give hugs good-bye and good-night to each other, send notes to each other, etc.

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K.S.

answers from Wausau on

OMG!!! I have the same thing going on with my 7 y/o son!! He has ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) Last night was awful!! My daugher who is 15 saw how stressed I was and went into his room and had a talk with him and gave him journal to write or draw in. She said she will try to go in every night and talk about the day with him. Sometimes when she talks to him, he tends to see things a bit differently. I don't know how it will work, but a journal is a good idea, a safe place to put their feelings. I hope it's not going to be part of his permanent personality! School can't start soon enough! LOL! Good luck, mama!

D.S.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi, J.:

You know the problem because you stated it in your post.
The problem is, you don't know how to solve the problem of
comparing her to her sister.

You can not reason with children. You set boundaries.

When you daughter exhibits the behavior that is inappropriate,
call a family circle together and ask her these questions:

1.What just happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Once you get this information, you ask those sitting in the
circle answer these questions and you also will answer them as well.

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident/behavior had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

This dialogue will help you to understand what is going on and help you determine what is needed to stop this behavior.
Good luck.
D.
Resource: www.iirp.edu

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