Help with Relationship with My Mother

Are we sisters? My mom is the same! She rarely calls, maybe once a month if at all. It's usually me calling her and then I get to hear all the negative things she has to say and how wonderful my sister's kids are.

I'm the one who moved 500 miles away from my family, she still has my sister and brother nearby so she focuses on them. Perhaps she thinks I'm too busy to chat. We see each other a few times a year and I'm OK with that. When my dad was alive he would answer the phone and hand it over to mom. Just how they are.

You've received great answers. I offer hope. Hang in there. After decades of calls and visits, Mom and I were able to share 3 beautiful, last years. You see, that's when she finally was receiving the correct medical care for her pain, etc. You are a lovely daughter. Give what you can. Know you are beautiful.

Count your blessings, you have a great relationship with your mom in law, and that's awesome. People come into our lives for reasons.

My mother hasn't called me in years. If I don't call, we don't talk.

She also focuses most of her attention on my 30 something sister who has lived at my parents for 6+ years - with her 4 kids.

sigh.

I've always like the idea of the "friends" holiday gathering - so I propose a "friends" phone call system. I'll call you once a month and ask about your kids, your career, marriage, etc. I'll tell you how proud I am, and how great you're doing.

And you call me once a month and I'll tell you all about the kids, the career, etc. :)

My mom's a bit like that, I flat out told her that if she's negative or degrading, I'll hang up on her (or more precisely, 'my phone automatically hangs up on people who spout negativity').

She's a grown up. You're a grown up. She needs to start acting like one, as do you, in the sense that you need to set boundaries with her, just like you would with anyone else.

If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all, MOM!!

Also, you need to realize that you'll probably never have a great relationship with your mom. I know, that sounds awful, but think about it... if you're 30 years old and it's been like this so far, it's going to take another 30 years to undo what's become a bad habit. Be the bigger person, and if she refuses to change, cut her loose and don't feel bad about it. You're enabling her by LETTING her be negative.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like your mom (and maybe dad) are unhappy, but the reason doesn't matter. As others have said, they are not likely to change, and you will ultimately be disappointed and bitter if you spend time trying.

What I would suggest is that you let go of the mom you hoped you would have at this stage of your life. Maybe even write a little letter that you won't send, but maybe burn instead. It is something like mourning. You need to let go of the hopes and expectations you had- they are holding you back and keeping you stuck.

Once you've done that, list out what she is able to provide you. Do you call her with a question about a recipe or how to sew or family tree questions? Something? Learn to be grateful for what it is she IS able to give you. Maybe just the fact that you have a mother to call to tell something to, when many people have lost their mothers. Basically, lower the bar and lower your expectations. If you need next to nothing from her, than what you do get will seem brighter.

I've had to do this with my sisters and brother. We all get along ok, but two of them live thousands of miles away and the other has basically picked their spouse's family to connect with and not us. So I had to lose the idea that our kids would all grow up so close, this is just not to be. It has been a lot of work on my part, and it doesn't always go smoothly, but it is progress and it is helping me appreciate what I have and not focus on what I don't.

Hope this has helped.

It's hard, I'm sure, but that's why your MIL came into your life. Accept your mother for who she is and isn't. Don't expect any more from her. She is beign the best mother that she can see to be based on the tools that she has. Unfortunately, you need more. Forgive her for not being the person who can give you that.

You may never know exactly why your mother doesn't call to talk and see how you and your son are, but based on her negativity I would say she is unhappy in her life and more than likely was raised to think her behavior is acceptable, maybe that's how she was treated. The reason she is the way she is isn't important, she is depriving herself of a relationship with you, and that is sad.

Stop wondering and move forward, accept that this is the way she and your father are, and make a call periodically, send pictures of your son, but don't expect anything in return. If it sounds as if I think it will be easy, I truly don't. I went through a tortuous time with my Dad when he began showing symptoms of Alzheimer's around 6 years ago, he hated me, the father I grew up with was no more. I had to accept him and love him for what he was now, not compare him to what I wanted, and that helped tremendously when he was dying and I helped to provide in-home hospice care for him.

Be blessed that you have a wonderful MIL and grandmother for your son, embrace what she has to offer. That is much more than a lot of people have.

{{HUGS}}

I'm sorry that your parents are the parents you have and not the ones you need. However, I'm grateful that when God introduced you to your husband, he also gave you a bonus Mom.

I'd say to take your relationship with your mom at face value. She's not willing to do more than she is right now and it's sad. She's missing out on being involved and learning about her grandson's day to day activities. So make a call to your mom just to check in ever month or so and enjoy your wonder warm relationship with your MIL.

My heart goes out to you, I so understand the feeling. My mom is extremely negative, she does call me every single day BUT 100% of the time she is complaining about how she is tired, she has a headache, how much my sister's children are yelling (she lives with my sister). Keep in mind my mom is only 52 years YOUNG, how in the hell do you become such a bitter, negative person at 52.

anyways, back to you. I would just tell her how hurt you are and that you really want the relationship to work. tell her you love her and miss her but you wish she was more positive and loving to you and your child. Tell her you will try too to make changes of whatever bothers her (if it's something reasonable) and go from there.

Also be glad your MIL is wonderful because I've read a lot of horror stories here, and I've shared a few of my own too.

There are so many terrible things that tear families apart. Families that have molestation skeletons in the closet, family members stealing money from each other or borrowing money they never repay, family members fighting over possessions when someone dies... the list can go on and on.

To be honest, your situation isn't that uncommon. Lots of older folks don't pick up the phone. My own mom never calls either. I call her. She's just used to this. I've never argued about it with her, though I've gently teased her. And we live 12 hours away from each other too.

I'm lucky that she is a happy person. We have a caring, close relationship. I'm sorry that you don't feel that same connection with your mom. But it is far different from having the kind of parent who sticks their nose in all of your business, tries to tell you what to do all the time, badmouths you to everyone in the family or social circle, like many women on this site write about far too often.

I hope you will try to just forgive in your heart her shortcomings and pick up the phone and just talk. Quite frankly, your folks sound depressed. You asked for help with your relationship with your mother - not whether or not to dump her from your life. The thought of dumping your parents because they are acting like teens who disappear into their room after school and don't want to talk is beyond sad. Please don't take that advice. Alcoholic parents who siphon money off from you so that you have nothing left for your family? Yes. A dad who threw you away years ago when he left your mom for some gal 2 years older than you? Yes. Parents who beat you senseless for years? Yes. But not because your parents don't pick up the phone and don't play the 20 question game about your life. Being a bit critical is par for the course for some older people - I wonder what we will be like when we are their age (ask our kids years from now if we have escaped that description!)

Where to go from here is just to pick up the phone and start carving out the relationship a little at a time. I can't imagine how bad you will feel if you get a call one day that one of your parents has passed away or is in the hospital in a coma. The guilt feelings will eat you up. It isn't worth going through that over your mom's uninterested, unhappy personality.

If you can just look past her gloomy personality and your dad's lackluster view of life, I think you would be happier and know that you have done right by them, long after they are gone. You will certainly want your own kids to give you a break when you are old, and things are "different" (in their eyes) between you.

All my best,
Dawn

I am in a very similar situation, and with some therapy and time, I have gotten 99% ok with my mother not being really a "mom". My (much) older sister and my MIL are my "real" mothers now. Sometimes you just have to let go of toxic people, even if they are your parents. It's ok :) HUGS!

I agree 100% with Rachel D.

Also, I would thank my lucky stars for such a wonderful MIL. Is it possible to do more things with her?

Your mother's problems are not due to any deficiency on your part. She just sounds limited. Some people are. It's her loss. I'm so sorry.

Good luck and I hope you can make a great life for yourself in spite of this missing piece.

My mom is like that too....it's really annoying. I just call her once a week and I don't wait to see when she will call. It might never happen. She also does not seem too interested and does not ask me about my life. She does go on and on about her life though. I have to jump in and just give her a burst of info...otherwise she will dominate the conversation. I just came to the realization a long time ago that she is flawed and will never change. I had to mourn the mom I will never have and just accept her as she is. This means I don't feel extremely close to her but we are friendly. My dad and step mom are similar as well...they never call me. When they do it's a quick superficial conversation and my step mom is always very negative. Like you I am very lucky to get GREAT in-laws. I know I have no good advice for you, but I thought I'd tell you I know how you feel. I used to get really bothered by it, but now I just accept it.

maybe start writing her. send a picture of you and your son. send a letter every other week or something. also you can express the want to be closure and for her to have a relationship with your son.