2 Year Old Acting Out

she could be jealous of the baby. Get her more involved with helping you, and spend some alone time with her so she feels important

Hi K.,
I just had a baby 10 months ago and my young one did the same thing. I love to watch supernanny and have read all kinds of parenting books and just tried all kinds of tricks and advice. The only one that seriously worked was making sure the older one got one on one attention. We had to schedule it in. I did a chore chart and 1 day for 1 hour I spent only that time with my son. Then another day dad did the same thing. We had to play dino's or whatever he wanted to do but that really helped with his behavior. I think they just feel sad and lonely and jealous. It will get better. ~ M.

First would be to relax she is only two and know there is a baby, who is in her eyes taking all of your time, it wouldn't matter if she had your attention 90% of the day, that's how she is going to feel. There are many things that can be tried to stop the yelling, it isn't OK no matter what.

1. Time-outs the minute they happen no matter what you are doing ( I know it's hard with a new baby).
2. Try a chart or a jar with big balls and explain that at the end of the week she gets one hour w/ just mommy and/or daddy, no baby, if she can keep most of her balls in the jar
and if she misbehaves you will take one ball out of her jar and she will get closer to losing her reward, I would start with 20 balls and let her lose 5 balls before she loses her reward and then up the amount of balls till you have the behaviour almost gone.
3. Or you can completly ignore her when she acts that way and let her know that until she talks nicely you have nothing to say.
4. If timeouts for her don't work try to put her favorite toy in a time out.

Every child is different it may take a few trial and errors to figure out what works best.

Some things you can try:
-Speak to her in whispers when she yells.
-Don't allow her to affect your behavior (as in, don't stop)
-Take her to another room and sit with her for a couple of moments each time she hollers. Maybe she's got something to say that she can't figure out how to say.
-Treat her like the little baby when you get the chance: hold her in the crook of your arm, coddle her, speak to her in baby-speak, snuggle with her, play with her toes, whatever you do with your baby. She might think you're giving the baby more attention, or that she wants the same attention as the baby gets. She should figure out that that's baby attention and that she gets big-girl attention.
-Teach her things she can do to help take care of the baby, like little responsibilities, but if she doesn't do them, don't make a big deal of it, just do it yourself.

I had a 2 year old girl who got a little brother and I tried a million things and I'm not sure which one actually worked, but it was fun for me (to an extent) and good for her to have the many different ways. If nothing else, she gets to bask in the attention.

Hi K.!
I am not in the same situation as you, but I do have a 20 month old that started his "terrible two's" about a few months ago. I have a dear friend that I confided in about how hard it is dealing with his overwhelming behavior. This friend is very religious and believes in the power of prayer. I do too, but I'm not all that religious. She suggested playing a CD for my son at bedtime... it's called Baby Blessings. His attitude has completely turned around since I've started playing the prayers for him. He is so much more loving... for instance, we were playing together one day and he set his toys down, and came up gave me a hug and a kiss. At that time, he was only 18 months old. Before this CD, he would kick and scream and have the WORST tantrums I have ever seen come out of a child.
Anyway, these CD's I am talking about are called Baby Blessings, and you can find them at www.plumblineministries.com. I highly suggest this as I was somewhat of a skeptic at first. If you have any questions about my experiences with this, please feel free to message me.
Take care!
Steph

It is so normal, for the age and the fact a new baby is taking away some of her attention. I would just start a plan of discipline. If it means time out for two minutes or taking a toy or priviledge away from her. First and foremost don't allow her to say no by doing something about it when she does. I will get on my three year olds eye level and tell him "you do not tell me no, now do what I asked please"..then if he still doesn't then it is time out for three minutes then I repeat what I asked and 9 times out of 10 he complies at that point. After a while he has figured out he better just do it without No as an answer but it happens. Consistency, patience and just keeping on the same page with your husband, she will see that she needs to listen to the both of you. Also, just carve out time for her each day with each of you and make it a big deal. She will adjust, just two things going on at once! It is normal 2 year old behavior unfortunately. Testing is normal at this age.

Dear K., this IS normal: simple jealousy. Before, You were all for her, and now you have someone else who you are carrying in your lap, feeding, hugging, timewise much more than her. You need to apply all your creativity to making her feel happy about having a little brother and still a very caring loving parents, not feeling left out FOR A SINGLE SECOND. It is not an easy shift for a 2 years old, she needs your loving help! My two sons were exactly in the same situation, 2 years apart (now they are 23 and 25), and it was MY TASK to make sure they grow up great friends, not two fighting boys. It worked: they never had even an argument, and are still best friends, but I approached the situation with full consciousness when they were little. I wrote about it here, maybe it will help you:

"...to raise children close together is much easier than apart. U know there are families where kids fight, but when they are very little you need to work hard on making them friends. I have a really good experience on it as I have 2 sons 2 years apart, and now they are 25 and 23. You know, there has never EVER been a situation for them in all their life to have problems. Not a fight, not a battle, no tears, no arguments. there were VERY few moments when I heard that the voices in the room got louder, their talking was a little ...say, not agressive, but elevated, excited more than usually... so I came in and sometimes asked, are you all happy? and they ALWAYS smiled and said YES, and once I heard this louder talk, and I asked them: Is everything OKAY? And they jumped both up from the carpet where they were playing, and hugged each other by the shoulder, (you know this boys hug, standing next to each other facing you, throwing one arm around the other's shoulders :) - and they looked at each other, and said: we're fine. They were 6 and 4 then, I remember it so well, as it was obvious they had some kind of disagreement, yet they did not allow me to interfere, they sorted it out on their own and in peace.
Now when you have a girl older, your bigger task will be to make sure for her not to become jealous in the very beginning as the little baby will require more of your time and care, and she might feel left out. To avoid it, make her proud, IMPORTANT and responsible for little things that she can already do. Carry the laundry into another room, give the baby a pacifier, hug the baby, make sure the baby has a blankie on, such little thingies, you know. I told my elder boy from the start that this is his friend growing, and i need his help to raise him a good friend. So, my elder boy got so serious about it, that when the younger one started saying his tiny babytalk words, the older was fixing all the words, not allowing the little one to say anything incorrectly, very politely explaining the situation: the younger says "tla-bla-gla" through the pacifier, and the older took the pacifier out of his mouth, and told him dead seriously:"Ivan, this is no "bla-gla-tla" you see here, this is "THE CEILING" that you see. And indeed, with such a guide, the younger one learned perfect language very soon, in about 3 years old speaking like the older one who was already 5 :). You know what I say?"

Another thing, K.: I would NOT react anyhow straightforwardly to the daughter's NO and STOP IT and crying and acting out, but instead I'd do that I do not even notice it at all, as if she gets attention for this behavior, she'll keep doing it again. The ONLY thing she needs actually is ATTENTION right now, and this is her little way of getting more attention: changing her own behavior to intolerable, she gets your attention and time, even if not positive. Please make sure she DOES NOT GET attention for these 'moves', she will figure out pretty soon that it does not work: you can even play the 'invisibility game': as soon as she does something inappropriate, ask dad, or just speak out loud: "Hmmm, I just saw mu little dear girl right here, and now she suddenly disappeared! Strange... dad, have you seen our little dear girl (say many good words ABOUT her very often), I do not know where she went.." as if whenever she acts out, she becomes invisible and you cannot find her. If you start grabbing the air AROUND her as if trying to find her, she might join the game and start laughing because it IS funny: her bad mood will vanish in a moment, and you can see the smiling girl immediately: "AH, HERE you are!!!" and hug her dearly. She will know that by smiling she will get much more pleasant attention than by acting out.
This is the situation:
1. MAKE HER IMPORTANT in raising her little brother-FRIEND! Say, you cannot even make it without her help, it is too responsible and serious a thing to make it all alone, and her help is CRUCIAL :) !!!
2. Make her PROUD: 'brag' to everyone how great a helper and sister she is, that she an absolute treasure, and the family is happy just because of HER!!!
3. Make her feel NEEDED for hugs, and love. (you can sometimes make a sour face and pretend that YOU are crying, and you need HER hug, to console you. She will feel how significant SHE is, as you give her a little moment of power, as then SHE is in charge of your mood. Say: "I need a hugso bad, otherwise I can feel like some temper tantrum starts growing in me and I can fall on the carpet and start yelling and kicking altrogether". This is bizare, but you show her also how you can consciously see how the mood and behavior can be SEEN by the one who experiences it. A little later, she will be able to relate, when you ask her: what do you feel? What do you think? She learns to trace feelings and thoughts, and be in charge of how she acts them out. Instead of yelling out NO, she might come and say to you: "I am SO angry, I feel like I want to yell NO!
This is not a week's task, this is an exercise for years, but it works longterm also, for a lifetime. If she sees that you can discuss your feelings, moods, thoughts, she learns to analyze with you WHY you suddenly behave this way or the other...
4. ALWAYS keep an eye on her, whenever you have your son around: see that she does not feel withdrawn, gloomy, unhappy, sad: you have a boy on your lap, then make some room on your knees and immediately invite her close, let her sit by the little one: you have enough space on your lap ! :), but it is EXTREMELY important right now.
She will relax a little a bit later, but you need to work on it VERY closely right now, as she already got into this pattern of jealousy. It is not hard to work it out now, but it takes a lot of your patience, care, and love to ALWAYS remember that your little girl has this pain in her heart, and this problem in her mind: you need to help her out first, and then the friendship and cooperation in raising a brother-freind will follow, and it will be a pure joy, to last for a LIFETIME - remember the longterm task: two of your kids will be here in this world even when You and their dad will be not, so be patient, caring, LOVING, don't get upset with her, PLEASE, and GO FOR IT!!! GooDay, and Happy Easter to your great family, K.!!!

The new baby is the whole reason for her acting out. She feels that she has lost her place. I suggest that you let her "help" with the new baby as much as possible. Have her get the diaper for you when he needs changing. Have her put it in the garbage. ALWAYS tell her "good job!" and how she is being such a "good sister" when she helps. Let her sit on the couch and "hold" the baby (with your help). Teach her that he is special. BUT MOSTLY let her know that SHE IS SPECIAL too--tell her that you and daddy love her so much! Tell her that this new baby loves her SO much too! When daddy comes home at night, tell daddy "she did so good today!" and make sure you tell him IN FRONT of her. There will be times that you will have to focus on the baby-give her a book to look at or a special toy and have her sit by you while you take care of him. When she does tell you no- I suggest that you give her a stern look and say-"You don't tell momma NO. That's not being nice." Teach her, "You need to say OK MOM." This stage will pass eventually. But I think if you will explain the new baby and the big sister thing to her, things will get better soon. It is important that you be patient and understanding. Good luck!

Have you tried getting her her own 'baby' that she can care for with you (while you care for your new baby) - and not one that she already has...a brand new special one. This won't eliminate her behavior, but perhaps it will help her feel special at times and lessen it some. Also, I often gave my daughter presents from the new baby (not big ones, little things: coloring books, playdough, etc) when she was nice to him (she was 2.5 when my son was born) and this helped her have postive associations with him. Also, you have to SHOWER her with extra attention. The acting out is truly a response to her perceived lack of attention (not saying you are not doting on her - she just feels like she isn't getting everything). When baby naps - give her special time...take her for walks, or on mommmy-daughter or daddy-daughter only time. I found all of these things helped lessen my daughters violent reaction to a new baby...and ours was preemie and I was STRESSED. It was hard to devote all the time, but after a pretty short while, everyone adjusted.

Hello K., Two year olds are really striving for independence and adding a new baby really adds to what is going on for your daughter. I highly recommend reading, "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. This book will give you tons of ideas to avoid power struggles and support your daughter and all her emotions and needs (and yours, too!) ~T.

When she uses those words I would recommend "replacing" saying the words you want to hear instead so that way she understands there are other ways of expressing her frustration. Maybe even get a feelings face chart, and explaining what each one means and when you sense she's feeling frustrated or sad or angry ask her to tell you which one and why? Hope that helps, let me know.
S.

It can be quite an adjustment to the first child when another comes a long. Our son was the same. he would pull her off me when I was nursing her and became a whiner and very clingy. I think it helped when I would say something to the effect of " Let me finish with the baby and then I will play blocks with you...or why don't you come sit next to me while I feed the baby and when we are done we will all play together." I think that he needed extra assurance that we still loved him.
Getting worn out and frustrated is a normal response. At least I felt the same. I found that I had to tell my son that I needed to go in time out for a while. That showed him that I was serious about time outs and it also helped me calm down.
Most of all, when they are yelling and screeming and whining, is when I think he needs a little more love. I tell my son..."come over here and let me give you a big hug.(when he comes I tell him that I can't hear what he is saying when he yells and that he needs to talk to me). It helps that I am already on his level, and because he is in my arms, he doesn't feel like I am chastising him.
Good luck. It is tough at times, but I know you will do great.
also, don't forget about friends and neighbors. Sometimes when the whining is too much, i call a friend and see if we can go outside with the kids or if she could take him for 15-20 minutes until I cool down.

All these responses were wonderful.. a couple were so sweet they even brought a tear to my eye! Anyhow, I don't feel there's much to add except one thing-- it helped with my daughters to make them feel like they were my helpers. I know she's only 2, but try to show her the importance of a big sister.. how her little brother is going to learn so many things from her and how important she is. Involve her in activities like having her hand you the baby soap and washcloths when you're giving him a bath.. if you're using bottles, have her help you hold it when you're feeding him.. just little things like that. LOTS AND LOTS of praise.. reminding her again and again what a wonderful helper she is to mommy and how lucky this little boy is to have her for a big sister. Eventually, she just might start to believe you and really start playing the part. And like I said, I know she's only 2, but she'll respond to the positive reinforcement.

Think about how many times (if any) she hears those words from others. Also, it really helped my son adjust to his new sister when we let him help take care of her. I even let him carry her-with me close by. I hope this helps. Oh and it helped with my son to calmly tell him "I can't understand you when you talk like that-can you use a voice like I'm using." Give her time--this is a HUGE event in her life. My sister-in-law who's a psychiatrist told us that it's seriously an event of catastrophic proportions. So make sure she knows you love her tons and maybe take her out alone for special dates as often as you can. Good luck!