Told Mother in Law How I Feel About Her :O

To be honest, you kinda sound like you are always trying to catch him screwing up and that you love to point out his faults, whenever you get the opportunity to do so. You sound like it's, your way or the highway and a little on the bossy and controlling side. Perhaps if you start with yourself and change, then you'll see him change too.

Wow, as a woman of God you sure are judgmental - I thought that was His job! I'm not sure what advice you're asking for here. It's hard to be sympathetic as you spent 10 years with this man and knew exactly what you were getting with him, his parents, his lifestyle. You either accept people for how they are or you spend your entire life trying to fit them into a mold that you see as suitable, and that person winds up resentful and annoyed, and that's no way to live a life.

You don't go out and find a mate and try to 'change' them into what you want. You search for that someone who already shares the same ideals you have.

I think the right thing to do is realize that while your husband is not a bad man, he is not the right man for you because, despite what you think you cannot force him to change to suit your needs.

hello
umm, you knew much of this going into the marriage, didn't you??? even if you didn't know some of it, you knew most of it, did you not? God as you keep referring to does give people FREE WILL...not just for your husband but for you..
YOU can choose to make different choices here as well. A little tough love if you will, ask yourself... why are YOU after ten years of this on again off again , turbulent relationship still in it??? I tend to think people who stay in relationship where they consider the other person abusive are often times HUGE enablers.... yes.... you see, having come from a family of addicts and enablers, I know that IF you were as healthy as you imply to be, then you would not still be in this relationship. my point is, it's easy to keep complaining about a person who doesn't do as you wish, but at some point you need to turn the questions to you. I also believe that unless a person has done a great deal of self-help they do find mates later on in life who mirror the relationship they had with their caregivers (good and bad) what do I mean by this.. ok, you say his mom let him smoke pot .... and fast forward, he found someone in you whom even after knowing his behaviors is still willing to put up with it.... you have for ten years..... While I don't agree with how your husband deals or does not deal with matters, I truly believe it takes two to Tango.. Point is, you can't change his behavior (you may now realize that after ten years) but perhaps you can begin to change yours... sticking things out is one thing, but sticking it out and blaming each other is not working things out, it's simply putting the inevitable off.... is there not some sort of church group for which you can attend? often, churches will offer marriage counseling.. What about considering that as an option?
Also and I say this even for myself when I too have had difficulties in my own relationship, I go to individual therapy and or groups...Marriage counseling is good for the marriage, but you also need to get to the bottom of why you are with someone whom in my opinion may have a different perspective on life in general and whom at this point, may not be willing to change it..
best of luck in whatever you decide..

so how are you going to react when one of your daughters-in-law calls you with the news of what a stupid, ineffective, rotten parent you were?
you'll welcome it and just look at it as construction helpful advice?
how did you think doing that was going to help the situation?
i'm delighted for you that you are unapologetic, self-righteous and totally ensconced in being right. i'm sure that will keep you warm at night.
khairete
S.

Well, I feel like you've been with him for 10 years (is he the father of all of your children?) you should have known some, if not all, of his issues before you got married.

That being said, we're Catholic and we allow for annulments when it is discovered that one partner did not go into the marriage with the same intentions. Like, you went into it intending to live a godly life with your husband and he obviously did not go into it for the same reasons. My husband divorced his former wife with the state and annulled the marriage with the church.

I'm sorry you're going through this but honestly, I feel like you went into this life with your eyes open. You've known him long enough to know him, his ways and his family. I really can't believe you expected "instant perfection" because O. day he said he wanted to change. If you are a Christian you know there is a growth process...there are new Christians and more seasoned Christians.
And, sorry to say that your response to him and his family seems very judgmental from this end. Is that the way a Christan person thinks?
Is he the father of your kids? If so, you owe it to them to work something out with this man.
Good luck!

It sounds like you had a lot to work out before the wedding that wasn't. So now what? You either talk to your husband, both go to counseling immediately, and see his transformation or you immediately break ties and divorce.

Yes he is immature and he is modeling the behavior he has learned throughout his life but he is now an adult. He can choose to step-up and be a man or he can continue as he is. As his mother, it is only natural that your MIL allowed him to move into his camper. Yes, she should have said something like "stay there tonight but then go to your wife and work things out" but realistically it was his decision and as his mom did you expect her to make him stay on the street rather than her camper?

Since you meant what you said but still feel bad, you can apologize for hurting her feelings. You can say "Although I meant what I said, I did say it in anger and hurt and am very sorry that I hurt your feelings".

Why would you subject your children to a person like this? He didnt change overnight...you knew he was like this when YOU chose to marry him. I think this one is a no-brainer.

BTW, A "Godly" person does not necessarily a good person make. You either are a genuinely decent human being or your not....God or not. I'm just sayin'......

Dear A.,
I'm really sorry you're going through this but, I think your answer is in the our issue is he mistreats my children and myself, you know he hasn't changed, you know he is immature, and unless you want to go back and forth with that, I think the best thing is to walk out of this marriage. I'm sorry. But you can have your children around someone that doesn't make them feel good.
Just think about it, you will have a husband, that altough you love very much, will be leaving you at the sign of trouble, and that his family will be fostering his irresponsible behavior, that is not the path to a healthy relationship, and that's what you need for you and your children. You are worried, and feel for him because he didn't receive good parenting example, and hon, if he is like this, your kids won't have a good parenting/family example for him. I think you know this isn't the best relationship for you, and you and your children deserve the best! My advice is walk away now.

.

It sounds like you are trying to excuse his behavior because of the way he was raised. And you have been "trying" to "fix him" for the last 10 years.
You are now tired of beating a dead horse and want to know what you should ultimately do.
My first marriage was very much like yours. I took the kids to church, dad stayed home. I never had a problem with him not accepting my faith but I also knew that I could only be a role model presenting a kind, caring and forgiving spirit and leaving the rest to God to sort out the way he does.
After spending more years taking care of him than I wished, I eventually packed up and left. This was done after much soul searching and meditation. He loved his kids and was a great dad. They loved him too despite the issues. The wages of sin is death and he ultimately died due to his indulgences (rip). I left him 3 years before he passed away. I was the one keeping him fed and keeping him alive and as healthy as I could.... and do you know what they call that? Co-Dependent.
I think maybe a heartfelt apology inside of a card to your MIL is in order. It is really NOT her fault that her son has chosen to do what he does. No matter what we were raised with we are all very much capable and have been informed through school and life experience enough to know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, etc.
You don't have children with this man, he appears to be causing you nothing but turmoil and unnecessary stress.
If your own daughter was in your predicament what advice would you offer her?
Prayers to you to hear God and the strength to do his will in the matter.

Read 1 Peter 3:1-6, it tells you about how wives are to lead their unbelieving husbands to God, what kind of example we can be. I think it would be good to talk to your pastor and get guidance there. God choose your marriage to your husband for a reason. I feel terrible for your children, I would first make sure they are safe and that you are setting a good example for your children on how to handle life when it gets hard, you are living a testimony for your kids to see right this moment, be on your hands and knees praying, asking God for wisdom and guidance and be obedient to Him. God Bless you, I will say a prayer for you, your children, and your marriage.

what are the two of you doing together? you couldn't seem more different from each other by the way you describe it...and yet it seemed to you a good idea to marry him? There must be more to it,something that you only know. Anyways, tough I don't regard myself as the holder of Thruth just because I believe in God (not sure whay you do it, mentioning Him so often), i definitely agree on the fact that the upbringing of a person plays a key-role in how somebody feels/act about relationships and commitment in particular. Personally, I don't believe people can change their past and what it did to them, so it's on us to protect ourselves and our children (if we have any) by choosing carefully the partner for life.If you got it wrong once it doesn't mean you have to insist...so if I were in you I 'd make my mind up about this man and would go forward trying to have a better life with somebody that at least share my values. If it means taking some time by yourself, so be it, sometimes it's best to clear ideas and see deeper in ourselves. Good luck whatever you decide. PS: way to go for talking to MIL!! At least you got something out of your chest..

Hi A.,
I read through your post several times, I DO want to put my two cents in but I don't want to sound judgemental, since I don't FEEL that way, I can actually FEEL the tension coming out of your words....

I think that faith is a journey, an evolutional process that changes dramatically throughout or lives with every different challenge and phase, especially for moms.

Ultimately, well tested faith brings us peace, but peace is a choice we make.

You seem to be frantically scurrying around trying to control all the non-controllables in your life, while neglecting the ONE thing you CAN control, which is your OWN role in this story.

I know you know these things but just a gentle reminder, prayer and love of God does not work like a short order deli. We still have to leave our minds and hearts wide open for answers to come from unexpected sources. We still need to be seeking out beauty, humor all around us every minute of every day in order for the prayers to work.

Sorry, now I'm sounding preachy, yuck.

I think if you take a step back, stop TRYING so very hard to FIX everything and everyone around you, the answer will come. Your faith will be the vehicle which brings peace to your chaotic heart. But it IS a choice, peace is.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this very difficult time, I know this is not really 'advice', but I hope it helps to look at it from a different angle!

I have not read the responses so I apologize if I am repeating anything. First of all, good for you for standing up for yourself! I also find that t he way people are brought up is a huge part of who they are as adults, but not something they can blame.We all make choices. You say on and off for ten years? He should know what you expect from him and should step up to the plate and be that man or he should have stayed away. He does have a great example to learn from....you. I thinnk God is a MUST in your life, no matter which way you chose to believe in him. I am Luteran, as are my three children, who are my husband's. He is Baptist. We both go to our own churches every week, but I am more "into" my faith and so the kids come with me. I am like you and would not marry someone who had not found God in their lives. I do think that EVERY marriage is worth the fight to save. But if he contines to be child-like, how will you ever be able to live a normal life? I don't know that I would do the back and forth with him for so long, but as a fellow mom, I support whatever choice you make. I hope it all works out for you!

sounds like the only thing that might give either one of you any kind of chance are 12 step programs. It sounds like you both need them and they are the only thing I have ever seen that really make changes in people...for the better of course. Everything else sounds like old scripts being played over and over on all sides and of course an extraordinary amount of fear.

This guy sounds like he has lots of potential, but honestly, if you really want to invest in someone with lots of potential, invest in your kids, or invest in yourself. You seem to love this guy for what he could be, not who he is. He's an adult, age 30 or older. It's not really your role to change him, and while it's possible that he could adapt, 10 years have already passed and he doesn't seem to have made much 'progress' in the areas that are important to you. While you may have hoped that, by committing to marriage, his resolve would be strengthened, it does not appear to have been the case. Raising three kids will provide enough drama in your life. My view might be different if you had been married for the last 10 years, and he was father to your kids, but this relationship is all about YOU. It seems to have no benefits for your children. Rather than spending time trying to raise him up to your standards, focus on your kids and yourself. Be the kind of mom you think children should have. Improve your own situation. Get a better job, or go back to school. Teach them what to do to be successful, God-loving people. I just don't see him being a positive part of this story. Good luck.

A., many of us have our past and a lot of that is not because we chose it. We cannot continue into adulthood using that crutch. We must grow from it and let it go. Of course it sometimes creeps up and temporarily disables us, but we have to get back up again. Personally, I would tell him to find help or move on.

If you have allowed him to live this lifestyle for 10 years, well then that is what he is going to continue to do. I think you are going to have to tell him to get his own life together first, then he can be a husband and father. I have always found the old saying to be true, "You must love yourself first before you an love other".

Best wishes.

I just have to say - I understand that YOU married in the eyes of God.
Your husband did not - he lied. He lied about believing in God and believing in the Word. Therefore, you are not obligated by God, or man, to continue in this marriage. If he entered the union under false pretenses you could have the marriage annulled.

God does not want you to be unhappy. God does not want your children and you to be in danger. You can end the marriage and continue to pray for his salvation. We pray for salvation of others all the time.

Also, know that there comes a time in everyone's life that we can no longer blame the problems of today on the past. He may have had a horrible childhood, but the actions and path he takes as an adult are his choice. Using his childhood as an excuse is simply a crutch for him to continue to behave badly.

A., he lied to you about your faith, I think that should clarify his feelings.

Good Luck and God Bless.

to me it sounds like it would be hard to work this out long term.He is already set up to fail since your expectations are so high, and most revolve around him changing rather than being himself. He may have a great desire to change or follow your lead, however most people in this world struggle with change and becoming the person they always want to be. Everyone can dream but reality is much different.It is hard to get into a marriage trying to "help" the other person rather than being equals. I think you have to love him for who he is and how God made him without judgment. Seems like a lot of judgment in your writing. If that is not possible then it seems you should move on. You are allowed to make mistakes to and if this was a mistake God gives you the ability to learn and move on.

Regarding the mother in law, sounds like you were out of line and should apologize, even if your relationship doesn't work out. She is trying to be the best mom she is able to me, that may not be much at all but if that is all she can be then thats that.

I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck with your decisions.

Sounds like your realling having a hard time. You can't go back now all you can do is go foward. Since you have gotten married and taken vows infront of God, you can't just divorce him. God hates divorce and he has instructed that if you are to marry a non-beliver you are to continue to pray for his salvation. On the other hand, you can't make him do what you want him to do. I know he probably had a messed up childhood that can badly effect his adult hood. You need to have a sitdown talk with him and find out for sure what it is that he wants. If he wants to change and wants to be with you than tell him, as respectibly as you can, that you will help him and set up some boundries to NOT cross. Like not threating with divorce. And that he had better mean what he says or not say it at all. Try to distance your self and him from his parents. Not in a psyco way, but he needs to be around better infuances until he developes a good foundation. Get involved with your church and make friends with great families of God in the church. NGJ.org. I ready a child training book and it helped me out and showed me that I need to respect my husband and not tear him down, especially infront of my children. Good luck to you, and you have done what most people want to do, tell off your in-laws!!