Thank you! I told him to execute divorce. Considering the health insurance was the ONLY thing I requested, we are looking into plans that are affordable. I never took what the lawyers said I was entitled to. Health insurance doesn't cost him much of anything. The separation Agreement was put in place to work out resolutions for future household discrepancies. This morning he said he was in no hurry for changes and apparently his girlfriend is more pressing on this matter than he is. Either way, the divorce should get finalized. I'm on my own financially ...... dating someone who is on his own financially, and never pressured me about finalizing anything.! Im ready! I suggested a Legal Guardian (the one who helped us with the Agreement) to help us with ideas for coming up with healthy routines for kids. It just sucks that his GF is digging deep and fast to be involved with the house and my my kids. Just doesn't sit right in my gut. But that's not my problem. I have priority over my kids. I did take pleasure in saying that playing the religion card out of convenience was low and not necessary!
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i totally don't get a legal agreement that FORCES you not to finalize the divorce.
weird.
khairete
S.
First of all I am married and Catholic. I would not date anyone unless I was divorced.
However I feel you getting or not getting a divorce is none of the girlfriend concern. I can see why she wants you to speed things along regarding the divorce. As much as she thinks its her business it is not.
wth? Am I missign something?
You are dating a guy, have been for the last year and a half! Your husband (since you are not legally divorced) is dating a woman for the past 5 months!
You are not divorced, why?
At this point I can only imagine that you are not legally divorced because you do not want to lose your health insurance. You SHOULD be responsible for your own. You have a boyfriend of a year and a half!!!
Buck up, put on your big girl panties, get a divorce, and be in charge of your OWN insurance instead of relying on someone else to do it for you.bleh.
L.
So let me get this straight: You've BOTH moved on in your romantic lives, yet you think it's okay to sponge off your broke ex?
I find this entire situation to be deplorable. It's time to finalize the divorce and pay your own bills. That's what grown-ups do.
ETA: A separation agreement is supposed to be an interim document while waiting for the divorce to be finalized. You file an SA and for divorce at the same time, and the SA protects both parties during the proceedings. You seem to think that it's a contract that protects you against him filing....but it doesn't. He could file at any time and there's not a thing you could do to stop him.
ETA2: So, if you can pay your bills you clearly have a job. Get insurance there.
Why should he pay your insurance when you have a boyfriend? Stop using your ex and finalize the divorce! You can inject all the straw men you want in to the conversation but in the end you want to have your cake and eat it too.
Grow up and pay your own bills.
OH GIVE ME A BREAK!! His relations? You have been separated for a year and you have been dating a year and a half.
You could get half the assets offset by half the debt, sounds like that is zero so stop acting noble. It also sounds like you make the same or more than him, so again, stop acting noble. You are using him.
I feel sorry for your kids!
Oh I have her OP! Not that it matters because it was totally gutted from when she first posted it
insurance/ Divorce execution delima
Thank you! I told him to execute divorce. Considering the health insurance was the ONLY thing I requested, we are looking into plans that are affordable. I never took what the lawyers said I was entitled to. Health insurance doesn't cost him much of anything. The separation Agreement was put in place to work out resolutions for future household discrepancies. This morning he said he was in no hurry for changes and apparently his girlfriend is more pressing on this matter than he is. Either way, the divorce should get finalized. I'm on my own financially ...... dating someone who is on his own financially, and never pressured me about finalizing anything.! Im ready! I suggested a Legal Guardian (the one who helped us with the Agreement) to help us with ideas for coming up with healthy routines for kids. It just sucks that his GF is digging deep and fast to be involved with the house and my my kids. Just doesn't sit right in my gut. But that's not my problem. I have priority over my kids. I did take pleasure in saying that playing the religion card out of convenience was low and not necessary!
I have to wonder if this is a joke... You can date someone for a year and 1/2 but your "ex" can't ask when the F you are going to finalize the divorce?? Finalize the divorce and let him move on. You obviously have but still want him to pay for your insurance!! Talk about hypocritical!
First off - your husband is not your ex-husband until the divorce is final.
It sounds like you and your husband are both ready to move on except for the disentangling of your financial and living situation (shared house).
You have, in effect, an open marriage - which has got to be just dandy for your kids to figure out.
His girlfriend's rationalizations have nothing to do with anything.
She's having sex before she is married and she's having it with a married man.
I don't know of any religions that are ok with that.
It's bothering her because she can't make a claim on his resources as long as you are still in her way so she's working to remove that obstacle.
Get a good lawyer, work out any spousal and child support/visitation/custody/etc and get it all written up nice and legal in the divorce decree.
Sell or buy out the shared assets and each of you make what you can of your separate lives while raising your kids.
Sitting on the sharp pointy fence for too long gets to be a pain in the behind.
Your marriage is over so end it already.
So you won't divorce your husband because you want him to keep paying for your health insurance (even though you've been dating someone else for a year and a half) and you're questioning the morality of his new girlfriend? Wow.
Time to move on already, and start paying your own bills.
You posted last month with issues about this new girlfriend.
And you and he share a house? Are you both actually living there at the same time, or is it a situation where the kids are there full-time but you and the ex take turns coming to live with the kids, and you and he each have other places where you live, separately, when you are not with the kids at the shared house? Which is it? Neither is ideal at all, but if you and he are still together under the shared roof -- That has to end. Now. Please clarify because it's not clear to me what the "shared house" arrangement means.
As for the insurance: So you're staying separated but not filing for divorce just so you can keep having him pay your insurance? Sounds fishy to me-- on your end of that bargain. You're keeping legal strings on him to get a benefit. As long as you do that you will never stop obsessing over his girlfriends, or finding things to hate about him. If you don't want to BE with him, why continue to be with him legally? Because you can't afford insurance? Have you looked into insurance exchanges, talked with your state insurance specialists, gotten into the state program (if your state has it) that insures kids when parents can't afford insurance?
As for the religion statement: You have no idea that she actually said this. He might have made it up as a way to try to get you to file for divorce. Why doesn't HE file for divorce?
Why are you and he still legally yoked? Why don't you want to file for divorce? It's very, very telling that you actually say, "I told him my boyfriend (of 1 1/2 years) are not making wedding plans, nor are we in any hurry to wed." So you won't divorce number one until number two wants to marry you? Please reconsider. People actually do get divorces when they don't have another person lined up at the altar.
Both you and he are in other relationships while you remain married to each other. Legally separated is still legally married, frankly. You are using him for insurance and, it seems, for revenge, so he can't marry because you won't divorce him. What message does that send to your kids? A clue: The message is definitely not, "Treat others as you wish be treated."
So you're both dating, but you are in no hurry to get divorced. Are you planning to put off filing for divorce for four years in order to force your estranged husband to pay for your health insurance?
Is this for real?
You are currently sleeping with someone else, and have been involved in a relationship for 1.5 years BUT you won't divorce?
I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time finding any sympathy for you, and you certainly don't have the moral high ground on this.
People don't just stay separated because of 'what's in it for them'... separation is supposed to be time to evaluate if the relationship can be repaired so that the marriage to continue. So, basically, what it sounds like to me (and I have been through a separation/divorce) is that you are just going to string this along so you don't have to pay your insurance.
Sorry, that sounds pretty damn cheap to me. Instead of you 'suffering' with the insurance, let's rephrase it:
It's none of your darn business what he does with the new girlfriend. And, why should HE have to suffer paying out your insurance when A. you are choosing to bestow your 'favors' upon another and you have no intention of having a real marriage with the man?
Honestly, you should just get divorced. I really don't see the point in a seperation. Doesn't matter if you are not planning a wedding, you are done with the relationship with your ex, so end it.
Perhaps you should reconsider alimony and child support. If you expect for him to pay between "$450 to $706 a month" for your insurance, then negotiate for that as alimony, use it to get your own insurance, finalize a divorce and move on.
Are they having sex? Pretty sure that's the part that is frowned upon by the Church. If they aren't having sex, and she wants to marry him, I can see why it would be a legitimate request for her to push him to obtain his divorce.
It doesn't sit very well with me that you are delaying your divorce to keep your health insurance. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. You've trapped him in a state of limbo with regards to his new girlfriend. You and your BF's plans should not negatively impact their plans.
By the way--5 months is plenty long to know whether you have a lasting relationship or not. I was with my husband for 3 weeks when I got a promise ring, which was followed by an engagement ring 3 months later.
ETA: Nervy Girl--Ditto what you said--separation is about trying to MEND the relationship, not about maximizing your financial dependency.
After reading your SWH, it is pretty clear to me that even if you originally intended for the separation agreement to look like the final divorce terms, things have changed and you folks probably are going to need to renegotiate the settlement. As many folks said, it's clear that you two are not getting back together, and actually both of you are moving on to new relationships (whether marriage or not--I don't think you should marry someone for the health insurance). Therefore, the household arrangements need to change (and it's great that you are moving in that direction, from what you said). You need to get disentangled from him, and it doesn't mean that he necessarily will stop paying your health insurance for the next four years (if there is a convincing reason why he should be responsible for it). Time for you and your lawyer to sit down and figure out what you need and what the kids need so you can move forward. The sooner you finalize the split, the sooner you'll be freer to stop caring about his girl friend, past sexual misconduct, etc. Good luck with everything.
From just what you have told us here, it sounds like you are using your ex for health insurance and are pissed that that has to end. I see no reason why you and your ex haven't finalized the divorce except for the fact that you want him to pay for your health insurance.
I assume that you guys have a semi-good relationship right now for the kids... If you keep using him like this, that is going to end. He is going to become very resentful very quickly.
If her religious beliefs were that important to her, she would not have started dating him in the first place...the Catholic church isn't big on divorce either (from what I understand).
When you discuss this with him, don't mention her...just state the facts (this is what our agreement is...this agreement is about you, me, and out children only....if you want to move things along, go ahead but I am not in a rush nor on anyone else's timetable). I would suggest that you be agreeable to a finalization of the divorce (even if you are not the one to execute it). Closure may be a good thing for all involved.
Things change. I think it's time you renegotiated. That's what adults do.
If he wants the divorce than he can file and he can continue to pay the health insurance, don't cave just so he can get out of his responsibilities.
ETA
Okay, still, if he is ASKING YOU how much your insurance is going to cost and he only pays 10% through his work and YOU said $450-$706 per month...then you basically are telling him "his" insurance company is charging you $4500 - $7060 per month? That's not right so there is something not right in that sentence.
The way you wrote it implied you had insurance somewhere and that he was being required to pay for it and you gave him the total amount he needed to send to your insurance company.
If you're clarifying your previous statement it's still confusing, how could he not already know how much he's paying for your current insurance? It's probably a point that isn't a great part of your question that we ALL got hung up on.
You also talked about sharing the house so that implied you lived in the same home as he does. That again was something focused on.
Sorry you're going through this split up. Any time a family breaks up it's hard on everyone.
********************************************************
Well, all religions teach that a married person who even looks at another person in a romantic way is committing adultery.
Every religion teaches that is a sin, it's not a Catholic thing. It's a Christianity thing. It's also a moral thing.
You've been dating for years, you are a married person. He's dating and it sounds like he's ready to move on.
It's time to revisit the idea of filing for divorce and being over it all. If you're staying together for the kids, well, it's not in their best interest for mom and dad, a married couple, to be dating others and having any sort of sexual relationship with anyone outside of their marriage. That's teaching that marriage doesn't mean anything.
If you're legally married he should have you on his insurance plan at his job. Period. If you want your own insurance that costs more than his you should have to pay the difference. That's fair.
I think you guys are not doing what's good for the kids. I think you've both moved on and you need to legally do it too.
If you are both determined to live in this home together so your kids only have one home and they have the benefit of mom and dad then perhaps you both need to consider a clause that says neither of you can date anyone outside of your marriage or the other person is awarded full custody, the house, all the belongings, and every single wish they can come up with from the one that is caught cheating.
If you continue dating outside of your marriage then it's time to draw the line. What you do is none of his business and what he does is none of yours.
I wouldn't want to live like this no matter what the benefit for myself.
LOL as a Catholic I can assure you that according to strict church rules she can't date a divorced guy either nor can she marry him without being in a state of sin. Unless a marriage is annulled, in the Catholic Church you're married until someone is dead. Divorce without annulment is meaningless...the church still considers a divorced person without annulment to be married and the dating or re-marrying is adultery. In short, her religion has nothing to do with it.
That said...I would work on the terms of your separation agreement to state that he continues your coverage for the agreed-upon period regardless of whether or not your are separated or divorced. Insurance is a stupid reason to not finalize a divorce. I don't know why you would have structured your separation agreement that way (unless it's a wacky state law or something) but I know many couples where one ex-spouse has covered insurance for the other until the other person has access to reasonably priced insurance or marries, or a certain agreed-upon time period has passed.
If this is really bugging him, use it as leverage to modify the agreement and then go get divorced already!
FWIW, I wouldn't date someone who isn't legally divorced. Seems too flakey and not final for me.
ETA after your SWH - your update makes more sense. Tell him that if he wants to finalize the divorce, he can go ahead and make whatever move he wants or needs to make that would mean that you keep your health insurance. The separation agreement does seem a bit wacky...it puts you into a position of playing "chicken" to see who makes the first move and gives up or gains the insurance clause. Since divorce is the inevitable outcome that seems to be adding an unnecessary level of complication to this but it sounds like that's an issue on his end and something he put in there to delay the divorce as long as possible for his own benefit? Anyway...ignore his claims about the girlfriend and her convenient and untrue religious excuse. If he wants to finalize this, he can go ahead and execute the papers first so that you keep your insurance. If he doesn't want to make that move, he can shut up.
If he wants to renegotiate things then may be you should let him. You will then need to get your fair share of stocks and equity in the house and any other assets you had together. This will hopefully be enough to pay for your insurance for the next 4 years.
FYI...his GF feelings are totally irrelevant to you. I would refuse to discuss them with him. Sounds like he can't afford to divorce you right now since he can't afford the monthly premium if you guys are not married. So he can either wait for the divorce or renegotiate your fair share of all assets.
Good luck!!
I don't quite understand the hostility here. The agreement is for him to pay your health insurance, and because he doesn't like how much it will cost you should let him out of it? No way! He needs to stick to the agreement. For what it's worth, I don't think you are being selfish, I think he is.
However, it may be time to go forward with the divorce. And if it is written as the divorce decree will read, then hopefully you can keep that clause in there. But if you need to renegotiate, be open to that, but don't let him off the hook out of frustration. I'm sure you can compromise where he still ends up paying his fair share, even if it's not in the form of insurance.
For now, his gf is a non-factor. I'm guessing he told you what she 'said' about divorce because he didn't have the guts to ask for the divorce to go forward himself. He's trying to add pressure in a gutless way. Don't worry about that now.
From what I see, you haven't done anything wrong here. You have nothing to feel bad about. Expecting him to honor an agreement is nowhere near taking advantage of him.
But I will say take a deep breath and a step back. If it's time to move forward in a different way, that's ok. As I said, as long as he is still taking care of his responsibilities in the end, it's ok for you to be flexible.
Good luck!
So, you are staying married so he can keep you under his health insurance. because he has to pay it either way for the next 4 years? So if he wants the diviorce finalized, then he will need to pay the difference. Unless I am missing something.
I think that you need to ignore the religion of the GF. She's chosen to date a man who is not legally divorced. That's on her, and that has nothing to do with you.
I would hold him to the legal agreement. If he wants a divorce or to cease paying health coverage, then he should seek legal counsel and pursue it.
I would keep conversations about the legalities and not get into tit for tat about his gf.
ETA: I do agree that holding him in limbo for 4 yrs is also not very cool.
Your ex and his grildf irend can say anything they want. But the separation agreement governs his responsibility for your health coverage. So as it relates to your medical coverage - who cares what they say. If it makes you feel better think about it as a way to piss them both off by you continuing to stay on the insurance.
As for the new girlfriend and her religious inclinations - there are a lot of people out there who use religion when it's convenient. Saturday evening Mass is filled with people who you know are going out partying afterwards and doing who knows what when they leave the bar/party - jsut like there are a lot of prayers of repentance in Sunday morning services. My feeling is a person can use their religion all they want - ultimately they will have to answer to God. It's going to be a lot more difficult to explain stuff to Him than to us. ;o)
Sounds like what you are feeling is that you want to be a person who respects the convictions of others. However, since she is engaging in fornication, you are not compelled to respect her convictions since she is picking and choosing where to be observant. Yes, we call that hypocrisy.
Call his and her bluff and say you are willing to amend your arrangement if he is willing to pay $700 a month in alimony to cover your medical insurance. See how she likes them apples.
... I would be more concerned about child custody.
I think you should finalize the divorce. In this settlement have him pay for your insurance out of his own pocket for the remaining time upfront and in full (or something equal to what you would get). I am assuming since you are married his work covers your insurance and when you divorce it will stop.
The catholic thing would really be "Hey mister you need to work on your marriage and not divorce." Divorce is a huge no-no in the catholic church.
He just made up some excuse by saying catholic. If she was Jewish or atheist or anything else, this woman does not want her man legally connected to another woman. It is weird. I'm actually surprised the person you have been dating for a year and a half doesn't want you legally divorced.
edit:
i just read your other post regarding the girlfriend over stepping her relationship with your kids. While reading you mentioned you would try not to pry. I have a feeling you two ladies will continue to snoop in each other underwear drawers until one of you is out of the house. The fact that you know about her 'dirty mail' is just the start. I also noticed the house is being kept to be 'the kids' house. This sounds sweet, but I see major issues. The kids turning into teens and tell you to get out of their house or thinking they can kick the one of the new step parents out who maybe paying the mortgage. The new wife (i'm assuming one day he will re-marry someone) wants a place that is hers and her husband's. This will not be a mean witch, it will be healthy. I am married to the father of my kids and I wouldn't let the kids think the house we bought is theirs when it comes to real decisions. We might need to move for work or just because. No, my kids will not dictate if I can or can not. I choose places that work for my kids. I am suggesting this, so you do not feel the pain down the road.
She is not your problem or your responsibility.
He needs to follow through on what the legal papers say.
If you are getting a divorce, just get it. Do not put it off.
And stay out of their games.
Indifference is the best revenge.
I'm sorry but someone who's just dating your husband doesn't get to dictate stuff. She's out of line and overstepping in something that's none of her business. I'd send a text letting him know that you are willing to amend the separation agreement and will use the guidance of your attorney to get anything the attorney feels you are entitled to or you can leave things as is and he can pay for health insurance. Don't back down and if he pushes it then follow through with your attorney to reopen this.
12 yrs and 2 kids will leave him hurting for money in the end. And I'm sure the wonderful girlfriend of 5 months won't be around after to pick up the pieces.
I am not an expert on the legalities, but if you do formally divorce, can't the insurance issue be written into the divorce agreement? It seems if you are really divorcing, that moving forward and onward (and finalizing it might be best). I'd get a good lawyer and if he wants the divorce, then find a way to cover the insurance issue w/i the divorce agreement. Again - not an expert here, but emotionally, it seems a break and moving forward is best. Good luck!
If she was a real Catholic, she would insist on an annulment, the divorce is secondary. He can't marry in the Church without an annulment. Sort of, it's more complicated that that actually...
http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/resources/life-and-fami...
Get her out of your personal business with him, she's not even his wife! None of this is her business, you need to talk with your ex about this.
She's Catholic and it's not OK to be dating unless he's not married but it's ok to be sleeping with him? Or is that the problem? He wants to have sex and she won't until he's divorced. If they are having sex are they using birth control or is that no longer a Catholic issue?
I suggest you do what is best for yourself and your children and not feel bad about it. She has no legal or any other standing that makes this her business. If she truly believes that she should not be with him because he's still married then it's her responsibilty to stop seeing him.
Sounds to me that he wants to make her happy when it's his responsibility to do what's best for the children. I'd tell him that you've heard his request. The answer is no and you aren't talking about it any more. Be confident that the two of you made an agreement in good faith and say you are sticking with that agreement.
Um...if you divorce, then he CAN'T cover you on HIS health insurance...
Divorce and get your boyfriend to marry and take of your financial woes.
You both are now dating. Your divorce should be final, or you shouldn't be dating as you are still legally married and that is adultery.
For the insurance aspect. When the divorce is final, he will need to remove you from his work insurance within 30 days. However, now that the ACA (Obamacare) is active, you can go to the healthcare.gov website, and find a plan that works for you. Then you request that he pays the monthly premiums of THAT plan for the remaining 4 years.
She has a right to make whatever demands she wants of the man she is dating, no matter her reasons. We all do. That's called knowing what you want and sticking to your guns. I would certainly want the clear boundaries of a divorced man. I would want my man to be free and clear of his ex.
That said, its up to him to let her know what the arrangements are and will be for the foreseeable future. She can participate to the extent that she feels comfortable. This was already in place before she came along, right?
His health insurance won't cover you after you get divorced. And I don't understand why you still sticking to him. Hire an attorney for divorce and just get it over with. If you want, than I can talk to my attorney at Seigman,Starritt-Burnett & Sinkfield, PLCC about the divorce proceeding and will let you know how to go about it. .
