Toddler Years

It sounds to me like jealously has reared its ugly head. If he says he "doesn't want cookies," don't give them to him and when he complains that you have not given him cookies, gently remind him that he told you that he said he didn't want them. Children do this...all the time. My 4 year old tells me he loves me, loves me, loves me but when he's mad for any reason and he doesn't even have to be mad at me, he'll tell me to go away, that he doesn't love me, etc, etc. I just leave him alone. It's the age and the lack of what is the word?? Understanding of how to express himself. Just let him be when he "acts negative" and when he contradicts himself and complains, just explain that he said this and you are respecting his wishes. He needs reassurance because he's jealous. He feels insecure. Try spending one on one time (when it's available to you) with just your toddler. Let hubby watch the baby and just you and your son do something...go to the park, a walk around the neighborhood. I hope this helps you.

He is saying those things to express feelings that he has. His feelings are very real but he does not necessarily know how to express them appropriately. You should start by acknowledging his feelings and giving him the correct words to express them. So when he is angry and frustrated but says "you don't love me" you need to say "you're angry and frustrated...mommy told you no, and that made you angry" or "you're frustrated with mommy because she has to take care of brother right now". You should also use this same language when he expresses positive emotions...like "you are excited about getting ice cream" or "you really like it when mommy plays with you" or "cuddling with mommy is nice, it makes you feel warm and cozy". Using that kind of language will help him learn to express his feeling with the right words. It will also make him feel validated and understood. I work with children on developmental issues and that is what I would do and what I would tell the parents of a client to do.

As for sharing he should have some posessions that are only his that he does not have to share and other "family toys" that everyone must share. Of course he is dealing with a new baby so there will be adjustment there. It sounds like you are doing everything right, spending time with him, etc.

Well, I have some theories on this, as my son sounds a lot like how you've described yours, and under fairly similiar conditions. 1. no, I haven't had this experience with mine. But for 2. it seemed that when our son was 2-3, I came to the conclusion that I could tell he was beginning to wrap his little head around just how strong of an emotion love is. I could tell that he was beginning to understand how love makes us vulnerable at times, and that you can love so much that it "hurts"(if you get that, we're all sensitive as hell over here), but I remember mine going through this phase and I really just came to the conclusion that he was pushing the envelope-he was testing the "limits" of love, it WAS a reassurance thing, too. It was as though he was testing the water to see if he was loved as much in return, or if somehow he could push that love to go away. Once he realized that the love in a parent-child relationship was mutual, he became much more , I don't know if confident and secure are the right words, bc he was both to begin with , but I guess i'd say he gained confidence and security on a deeper level. Most likely, this is what is witnessed in Erik Eriksson's stages of life- Trust vs. Mistrust(for this age of kids), I would say that he became able to trust on a more mature level. Also, kids and babies begin to have the ability to manipulate at around 9 months of age! How early! But, this is necessary to develop correctly socially and it is truly just an ingrained human characteristic. Not all manipulation is necessarily malevolent ("you attract more flies with honey than vinegar" comes to mind), this is really just a normal part of growth and development. Maybe when he does this, you are evn more loving? That is NOT bad, either, it is all just pretty normal. If you really want some insight on this, try visiting a local bookstore, especially if you are near a college campus and get a Human Growth and Development book. I akways like to keep one in the house bc it isn't the newest trend in parenting, it isn't even written to give parenting advice, but really gives much insight about just what processes go on in or kids little heads, bc we're too damn old now to remember what in the world any of us were thinking when we were that age!

He is only going to be 3 years old.
They do NOT know themselves yet.
At this age and even older.... their "emotions" are NOT even fully developed yet... NOR do they even understand every single nuance of an emotion nor the 'names' for it, nor even know how they feel. Not even Adults... know that sometimes.
So... keep analysis and expectations... of him/his emotions... age appropriate.

Next: for "Sharing".
I think... to me, a child does not have to carte blanche SHARE everything. For my kids.... and when I had my 2nd child... I explained to my daughter that she does not have to "worry"...that her things are her things. I Understand... they are special to her. She does NOT have to share everything w/her little brother. SHE can decide, what to share or not. Its okay. Frankly, I would not want to share my closet of things/clothes with my siblings... NOR have them at will go in my "personal" space or closet and just grab whatever they want. A Toddler... needs to know... they have Boundaries too. THEIR things. A Toddler...worries about these things... that they ALWAYS HAVE TO share their things. But they do not have to. Teach him that... and HOW to say it... to you. And show him that you understand and have respect for 'his' things too. After all... as your baby gets older... he will have to learn... that he CANNOT just take his Big Brother's things all the time either... just because he is the youngest one. It works both ways. Respect for other's things...

For my Eldest child... I always told her "YOU are my first baby... and always will be...." and it is true. But it makes her feel special. I always... talked with her... AND let her express herself/her feelings good or bad... and she felt 'safe' in doing so... because I never 'scold' or punish... for her feelings... but taught her about... her emotions... and the names for it... since she was 2 years old....

Yes, a child THIS young... does not know how the world works yet... nor their frustrations. Normal development. He KNOWS you love him... he is just at the "contrary" age phase.

The books "Your 2 Year Old", or "Your 3 Year Old" or "Your 4 Year Old" is a good series... on each of the age junctures of children. It merely describes... what each age is like. It is an easy read. Although written years ago... it is still... quite pertinent....

Your child is young... he is developing... they are not 'big kids' yet. Not even emotions or impulse-control is fully developed yet. They are a rock collecting moss....

all the best,
Susan

K.,
I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time with your son! In response to your second question, I'd say it's very normal that he feels like he's not loved as much as the "new kid on the block." There's no doubt in my mind after reading your post that you're an intelligent, nurturing and loving mama. You're doing all that you can to reassure him of your love. He was the king, the one that had all your undivided attention before. He just has to get used to the idea that he has to share. Don't worry! He'll come around if you continue what you're doing. Some kids need more time than others. I speak from experience; my children are 5 years apart.
I'd like to warn you, though, that you shouldn't go to the extreme trying to prove your love. He'll run the risk of growing into an adult that needs constant affirmation from others, whether it be friendships or intimate relationships.
You're doing a great job. Hang in there and God bless!

~N.