Child's Behavior After Mother's Visit

I think it is a real hard spot you are in. The older boy is three right? Well to be honest, I believe that that is old enough to begin heart to hearts with him. He may not totally understand everything you say to him, but the fact that you take the time to acknowledge his feelings and validate them will make a world of a difference. When my daughter was about that age, I found a friend dead from a suicide. I had a hard time dealing with that sight and situation, and was pretty distant for a while. Basically I told her in terms that she could understand what was going on. I told her that Mommy loves her so much, but is having a hard time with a few things that are not about her, and that are not her fault. I told her Mommy will be okay, she just needs lots of love and lots of time to think. She responded so well.

If I were you I would tell the sons that you are there for them, that you understand how much they love their mommy and that it is okay to be upset that they miss her. That the reason they don't see her is not because she doesn't love them, but because she has a few things to work out that are not about them. And that they have a wonderful daddy that loves them, and that you love them, and that if they are upset it is best to talk about it rather than get mad.

Also when you notice this behavior come on, I would nip it by taking him aside ina very patient way and acknowledge his anger and frustration and ask him if we wants to tell you why he is upset. I know it sounds like a lot, but a three year old can amaze you. He may also think or distrust that you care about him because his mom left, so can you. Children internalize events and blame themselves, you need to reinforce the fact that no matter what this isn't his fault. Good luck!

Are you kidding????? The boy is traumatized from a broken home and a terrible mother. And you would punish him for that??? He's a BABY! And his mother dumped him!! Both boys are going to have issues for the rest of their lives. They need lots and lots and lots of love. THAT'S ALL.

You need to become the mother to these boys. The way to mother them is to love the hell out of them. If you do that you will rarely have to discipline them. (And you should marry the dad so it's a real relationship.)

Spanking is never a good option. It can be a coping method that people use because their parents spanked them, but it only reinforces hitting in the long run. Offering him treats because he responded the way you wanted after the spanking could have repercussions later in his life if you continue to deal with the child this way. Consulting with a behavioral parenting specialist and/or taking a parenting class will help you to learn more tools to deal with his behavior. His acting out as a reaction to something that could be expected to be troubling is not unusual and will likely be an issue in the future. Spanking reinforces an external locus of control. What you want to teach him is how to modulate his own behavior- how to soothe himself, communicate, & learn to cope with his situation. (I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker & have experience with traumatized children.) It is good you are asking this question, because people often repeat family patterns or do things the way their friends do without thinking about what might be better for the child.

My Mom left me and my brother at a very young age with my Dad and stepmom.

I can tell you that it is a very rough road to travel for these children and you all. The only way to make it easier is with patience, love, and understanding. They will act out, they will drive you crazy, they may dislike you because they think you are replacing their mom, they will blame themselves, they will ache inside and always always miss her. It will never mean that you don't deserve that love, being a stepmom is not easy. Even if their mom never deserves it, she will have their undying love.

You can win them over. Never give up, don't try to replace her, be there for them whenever you can, tell them you love them all the time. Put her picture out somewhere, encourage her to be in their lives more if you can. It will only help them. At such a young age anything can be healed and helped before it gets worse.

my heart goes out to them and you.

Does ABONDEMENT have any meaning to you? I know from first hand experience what this little one is going through. No amount of punishment is going to fix it. What this toddler needs is some serious child psycology and therapy, love and support and reassurance from his mommy, being you, and his daddy. My brothers were left with my parents, we have different moms, and the trauma it caused was unreal. One brother, now passed away turned to drugs and alcohol as a teenager the other has absolutely no respect for women in authority even his own wife. Women are considered 2nd class. Though my parents tired EVERYTHING for him, they didn't realize that what he needed was serious therapy from a professional. Not only does your child need help, but as parents you both need couseling and therapy on how to address the comings and goings that are so sparadic from his BIOLOGICAL mother, how to help your child cope afterwards. That is all this female is, she has no other ties to the child. But DO NOT punish this child for his reactions. How is he suppose express himself at this age when he's only a toddler. It's my opinion that punishment is unfair for this matter. And believe me, I'm a firm believer in applying the appropriate punishiment for the disobidient, but not here. You're asking for something this baby can't logically understand.

You wrote:
No matter how many time outs, toys taken away, talks and 2 spanking (after all else failed) seemed to work.
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Well yeah...he's a very little boy whose mom has just waltzed back into his life, then left AGAIN and completely thrown him for a loop.

Poor little thing. PLEASE....try to treat his "bad" behavior with compassion and patience. He is only acting out in reaction to what must be a horribly wrenching situation for him. To be punished for his natural reaction on top of everything else must be truly miserable.

Maybe your boyfriend can spend some one-on-one time with him afterwards if she pays a return visit?

He sounds angry & hurting. I bet he will respond better with tons of hugs & kisses. Reading lots of books with him. I bet he thinks his mother doesn't love him.

Have you tried listening to your child? Asking him if he misses his grandma, or missed you while you were away? If he is afraid when you go away? Maybe a quiet session (alone with him) of making drawings of family members would elicit this kind of conversation.
There's something your child is trying to express to you and he is too young to know how to communicate it to you. "Mis-behavior" is communication. Children want to express their feelings but don't yet have all the tools, so they try tantrums.
Time-outs, taking away toys, and giving rewards may stop the behaviors that are a problem to you, but they don't address the underlying need for your child to express himself, or to connect with you. Those techniques actually build up a level of resentment; can you imagine wanting to express yourself and no one can understand you, and then you are isolated or punished for it? It can create a cycle of more undesirable behavior.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Talk with your child about his feelings; use drawing together, reading a book about a similar situation, or tell a story from your own childhood to encourage the conversation.
2) Make up a story (like a fable) about animals which illustrate the situation to him, say a little squirrel whose grandmother came to stay and his mommy went away. Tell it to him without discussion, as you would a fairy tale. Leave it to him to take in the story inwardly, and work on his situation within his own consciousness.
3) Remember that your child is not happy when he is acting horribly. He is counting on the adults in his life to help him back to the place where he feels good again-- about himself, his situation, and life. While you must act firmly to prevent his hurting others or himself (this includes hurting with words), remembering his point of view will keep you from falling into a "he vs me" separation.
4) At the moment that he misbehaves, approach him quietly, put your arm around him gently, and describe to him what you see him doing (in a quiet but firm voice): " I saw you kick your brother. Look, he's crying." Ask the other child if he is okay. Prompt your boy to ask his brother if he is okay. Prompt him to help his brother (get him some ice, a favorite toy). As long as his brother is crying, he can not go back to playing himself. If both boys are equally engaged in the fighting, do this with both of them. When it is resolved, let them go back to playing together (or if it keeps occurring, perhaps they need some time to play alone for a while; children don't realize consciously that they may need a break from paying with others, we have to show them how to do it).
5) It is important for every child to have some uninterrupted individual attention on a regular basis, especially in a busy family where both parents work. Make a "date" with each boy to do something just with him (and your boyfriend could do this as well). It can be simple, such as an "ice cream" date, just an hour every week or every other week...so that he knows that he has some time coming up that he will have your undivided attention. This is a "date" that needs to be kept! And the benefit of this to the family is that each child has a chance to feel "heard" and "mis-behavior" de-escalates rapidly...this also helps a lot with "sibling rivalry." And don't forget to keep regular dates with your boyfriend too!
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. These boys are fortunate to have a mom who is willing to put in the time to learn to care for them, and stick with them even when they are acting up. Good luck.

Have you ever taken parenting classes? I ask because I am a step-parent and I have my own biological child. I know both sides of the fence all too well. 3 years old is a very hard age and it's going to be even harder for him knowing that there's another lady that comes in and out of his life without consistancy. He's not going to understand what's going on. He's taking out his emotional frustrations on you and the family because he feels safe to do so. I know it's a frustrating place to be in yourself but just imagine what it's like to be in his little body and little mind when his biological mom comes around. there's going to be a huge amount of emotions and he's not old enough to know what to do with them. In all honesty, it's hard enough to put adult emotions in the proper places. My step-daughter is almost 7 and she stills acts out with anger towards us when she's having a difficult time at her mom's house. It's really hard to watch but I took classes on co-parenting and I'm a frequent visitor to step parenting web sites and they can really help. We stay away from punishing when she's visibly upset because we don't want to give her negative attention during these times. Part of the reason she gets so upset is because she's needing attention and if her mom can't give it to her than we get the fall out because she feels more safe with us. She already knows that we are always there for her and she uses that safety net when her other house isn't so safe. It is hard to be on the other end when it seems like all we experience is her anger, but at the same time it's an honorable place to be because she feels safe enough to be herself and show us how she's feeling even though she still can't put words to her feelings very easy. If you can step out of your body for just a minute when your step son acts out it might be easier to see what I mean. Give him love and affection. Hold him tight and tell him you know he's in pain and upset and you're there for him. 3 year olds don't need a lot of words, they just need love. Give more praise when he's acting appropriate to you and the acting out will lose some power in his mind. If he doesn't receive attention (even when it's negative) for a particular action, no matter how inappropriate you think it is, and he already knows he'll receive attention for what you consider good behavior, the good behavior will win out over the bad no matter what has triggered him. My son is 3 and I know all too well what they are capable of. It's a hard year but with a little extra love and affection, and trust me, there have been plenty of times when that's the last thing I wanted to give him, it really paid off. I know you said both you and your boyfriend work full time, but if you can both find 15-30 min of time when you come home to really give to him without tv, no phone, etc, that will also keep some inappropriate behavior at bay. Be careful when you move into "their" house as well. I would ask your boyfriend to talk to the older boy and let him know that he's not losing his house or his dad, and that there house is going to become your house as well. 3 year olds get very possessive over everything and that last thing you need is for his to have resentment towards you. Respect his space and make your move slowly if he's acting up or showing anger. You can't get these early years back and if all the attention he gets right now is when he's in trouble you're setting yourself up for a nightmare. Little boys need more love and attention to grow up into loving men than little girls do. Adults don't shower boys with attention as much as they do girls, but in my opinion they need it even more because of that. He's still just 3, not 6, not 10, not 16, and a lot of time (myself included) we adults can slip up and expect them to not have the same emotions that girls have. But that's not true. And they are going to have an even harder time out in the real world because of that perception. that's why in my opinion it's even more important for your house to be safe for him to express his emotions becuase it might be the only truly safe place he has. Remember too, even though you're the woman in his life, he knows that his biological mom isn't around. It's hard enough to understand that one as an adult so can you imagine how confusing it is for a little 3 year old to wrap his brain around that one let alone his heart? All he's going to wonder is why do I get to see this other lady? Who is she? Why do I feel like I know her but then again I don't? If this other lady drops in and out of my life without consistency is my dad's girlfriend going to do the same thing? Who's my mom and why can't she be in my life? Don't take anything personally. He's not trying to hurt you or his dad by acting out after he see's his mom. He's completely overwhelmed by everything and just needs pure and simple love. He needs reassurance that you and his dad are still going to love him even when he's acting out. You don't need to give him the wrong attention though. I simply tell my little boy that when he can calm down I'll listen to what he needs to tell me. I will turn off the tv, the phone, stop making dinner, etc during this time and just sit with him in silence while he's working through his emotions. It gives me time to calm down myself and before I know it he's a different kid again and our family life can get back to normal. This isn't his fault he's only 3. It's his fault if he's still acting out at 30. You're almost there yourself I think you can understand. what I mean by that. Trust me, I'm 32. I've been in your exact position with my step-daughter and I deal with my 3 year old boy and his emotions everyday. All I know is consistency does work and so does staying calm and talking in a very firm yet loving voice. Taking toys away, and constant punishment for bad behaviour only breeds more bad behavior. You don't have to accept what he's doing though. You need to lay down some ground rules that are non-negotiable and make sure you stay consistent with them. Give him a warning when you notice inappropriate behaviour. If he keeps it up than simply take him by the hand, in a calm assertive way, and remove him from the situation right away. Ask him if he knows why you did that. If he does, reward him with a hug or a smile, what ever works for you so that he realizes you're praising his telling the truth and his being aware of what you don't like, but still tell him he needs to change his behaviour. If he still does it than nothing is said and you remove him from the situation only this time you keep him removed by giving him an appropriate time out. It might sound like a lot of work at first , but my little boy responds to this right away. He knows if he gets me to the point where I'm not talking to him anymore he went way to far. He wants the love and attention and when I take it away he knows exactly why. I used to get really upset wondering why I had to go through all this extra work when I myself felt so overworked. I had someone remind me that raising kids only lasts for such a short period of time and that the rewards of knowing you raised a caring, loving child far outway any lost private time I might experience. and I'm seeing that with my step daughter. she's 7, and already I can see that our relationship is changing drastically. I'm thankful everyday, that I had the energy to really make sure I gave her a safe loving home when she was younger. You won't be rewarded for your efforts right now. You have to get over that as an adult. It still tears my heart out sometimes, but then I realize how much more I appreciate my parents or other adults that were in my life the older I get and it's reassuring to know that one day my kids will be my age and think of me with the same kind of love. You're his mom right now and you really owe it to him to give him the best you can and keep learning how you can improve because after 3 comes 5 and 8 and you will be constantly challenged. You think you understand him and the next minute it feels like you have to start all over again. It happens to all of us. If you truly want to be in these kids life make sure you are willing to give them all of you and all your time. If you aren't willing to do that, it's ok, I'm not judging you, you just need to be fair to them and leave their lives as soon as possible. It's very hard being a step-parent and it's only going to get harder if you have your own child with their dad. But with the right support and keeping your mind open to advice and to growing intellectually you'll be more than ok. I hope this helped.

There was a great article in the January/February issue of Mothering called "Rock Me Gently" by Heather Neal. She talks about kids around age 3 and this sort of behavior. Research proves that if you want your children to develop a strong moral ground, teach them with kindness. This article demonstrates a different approach than punishment for "bad" behavior. She recommends the rocking chair instead of the naughty chair. It sounds like your son has lost the ability to regulate his emotions, spurred on by the visit of his mother. He needs lots of tlc to get through this. I think you can probably still locate the article on the Mothering website. If not, contact me privately and I'll make you a copy.

Hi K.,
I can tell that you really love these two little boys and I hope that you remain a loving, dependable presence in their lives. It sounds like they've both experienced profound loss at a very young age. It's hard to express what this type of primary loss does to a child but they'll spend the rest of their lives coming to terms with it. How many broken adults are there in the world who can trace their pain to childhood experiences of abandonment and loss?
How confusing it must be for their immature, developing brains to try and make sense of why mom left them, floats back into their lives, then disappears again. How do they assimilate the inherent tension of this situation between the adults? My heartfelt advice is to seek professional support and guidance. This is more than one set of parents can do effectively. Those babies need support and so do you and your boyfriend. Be courageous and get the help you need - it's so worth it.
On a side note, I can't help but say it, no matter how frustrated you become (and I've been there, believe me), spanking kids should be avoided at all costs. It only teaches violence, and boys are particularly suceptable to it.
You are a special soul to take these babies into your heart and into your life, and they are so blessed to have you.
All the best, T.

He's feeling confused and emotional after his mom's visit but can't express his feelings. So his way of letting you know that he's upset and not feeling okay is by being naughty. Just try to reassure him that you love him and help him feel safe. Obviously his mom doesn't make him feel safe or loved and so he's acting out. Hang in there!

I have guardianship of my six year old granddaughter. She recently went to spend a week with her mother and when she returned, her behavior was horrible as well. We just consistently disciplined her for the behavior and after about a week or so she snapped out of it and is once again the loving, well-behaved child we had. I don't know what the deal is, but it just seems to take them awhile to readjust after those long visits with mom. Part of it may be that they get used to being with mom and when mom leaves, it's like leaving mom all over again. Hang in there; I know it's hard!

Children at that age need their Mother to nurture and give them alot of tender loving care. These children have been abandoned by their Mother and act out in different ways. She comes in for a short time, they get their Mommy back, then she is gone again just as quickly. Thank goodness they have you. You can never fix the wrong being done to these children, but once you are there with them 24/7 and you are nurturing them, they will respond. However, be prepared that everytime Mommy waltzes back in to their lives and upon her departure, you will be object of their wrath. You will have to show them extreme patience and you and your boyfriend must let them know how important they are. The little 3 year old thinks it is his fault his Mommy isn't there..My heart goes out to both the children and I hope you are a very loving and giving woman that can help fill this void left by their Mother. It is a tall order and most of time, you are going to feel unappreciated, but if you have unconditional love in your heart and can truly understand how they must feel when she leaves them again and again....then you can help them through the pain they will have and lessen the issues they will have from it. Consistent love is what these children need that they do not have now. God bless you all and good luck.

Dear K. C.
I noticed that you wrote that After you gave a "treat" this bad behavior started.
What was treat? Any thing sweet like a candy or even fruit?
The reason I ask is my own chidren(2 now grown) had a sensitiviy to sweets and to some sweet fruits.
Their attitudes were terrible, when in elementary they would have their "color" changed on their attitude chart. And this all started usually after lunch, which would have chocolate cake, Flavored Milk, or cookies. Their pediatrician suggested their attitude problem was food related. And to talk to then and stop all sweets.
So we dropped the school lunches and gave them "sack lunches, even things like catsup is loaded with sugar. When our chidren were a bit older (8-9) we re-explained the problem and told them they have to make an effort to not eat the things that they knew would make them freak out.
Now they are in their twentys and doing fine. Each knows not to over do sweets and to check their attitudes if they have any sweets that sets them off.
Check with your childrens doctor and see what they think.
Hope this is helpful

K., your boyfriend is very fortunate that you are concerned and seem to care enough about his boys to even try to find out what's happening. They are also lucky to have you in their lives!

It sounds as if the 3-year old is just confused and maybe a little angry. Mom's not there, then Mom's there, then Mom goes away again. Although it was probably best for the adults that you stayed away during her visit, it was probably a little confusing to the 3-year old.

The littlest guy is showing his distress by needing to be held more --- he needs to be reassured that there's someone in his life that is a constant (you).

You'll need to keep the same discipline practices (time outs) and also extend just a little more understanding about why he's acting out. Reassure him that you love him and will always be there for him.

He may also be conflicted about his two "mom's", although he wouldn't be able to verbalize this yet. He no doubt loves you or has great affection for you, but also no doubt loves his biological mom and may feel conflicted about this.

Extra love, extra hugs, lots of reassurance and also keep up the discipline so he knows that acting out in rage and anger isn't acceptable.

You should listen to Dr. Laura, she is an expert on these things. The first thing she would say is "of course they are upset" wouldn't you be if you were abandoned by your mother. Kids will always love their mother. This is a bad situation and the kids are the ones who have the short end of the stick. They will grow up longing for her, not you. You should really think about the long term here...and do what is in the best interest of the children. They did not ask for their parents to split up. Moving in as a "girlfriend" is not the same as being the wife. He seems to be trying to replace her....do you think he will try to replace you too? It is far easier to replace a girl who is just willing to move in without a commitment. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is the reality. You should read 10 Stupid things Women do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura. If you hate it..so be it, but at least you have another opinion.

He's acting out because he's pissed. He can't express it so it comes out in bad behavior. I would have his dad approach it head on... "I know you don't get to see your mommy very much and it hurts very had inside when she leaves, please know that I know it hurts and it would hurt me too if I only saw my mommy (whatever the visit length is)" Let the child know you understand how he feels but even so he cannot kick/hit or be rude to other people. When my daughter gets like this I ask her if it would make her feel better if she called her dad or maybe make him a card and mail it. I really do feel that when you address the issue in the open the their is little left for the child to aggressively act out. Always end on a positive note.. Now let's go get those eggs or play ball or whatever. Hope this helps!

First of all, kudos to you for taking on these boys and for caring enough to be on this website seeking answers! You are such a rock star!!

This is a tough situation--but keep in mind that 3 year olds are very challenging, even when their living situation is ideal. I can't imagine how it must feel for a child to essentially be abandoned by their mother--unfortunately it happens ALL the time!

This little boy just needs to be marinated in love and to have structure and routine in his life. Of course, he has to have consequences for acting out, but I think for a little while, people who come over or who you interact with outside the family are going to need to understand that he is going through a tough time. Don't worry what other people think--he may say or do some outrageous things--come up with a structured method of discipline (such as time out) and explain to him ahead of time (before he gets out of control) exactly what he will be disciplined for.

For example, tell him "if you hit you will be on time out for 3 minutes." And then follow through with it. When he is done with time out, give him a hug and tell him you love him and are proud of him for taking his punishment like a big boy. Do the same routine every time he acts out....even if it is 20 times a day. Soon he will learn "if I do _____ then _____ happens."

Stick to it...things will not change overnight, but slowly you will see change. Also, as time goes on and he gets older, don't discount the fact that both boys may need some professional counseling to deal with the issues with their mother.

Keep up the great work. The boys (and their dad) are so lucky to have you in their lives! Let us know how it goes.

First of all, thank goodness for your dedication to the well being of the boys. I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and I can tell you that at 3, children have a hard time expressing newly discloverd feeling. He may not know how to put into words his experience of seeing his mom after such a long absents. Tell your boyfriend to cuddle them, love them and help them to feel like they are in a secure environment. Your boyfriend must remind them that he isn't going anywhere. If your relationship with your boyfriend is solid, continue loving those boys. If its shaky, please know that those boys will again suffer when/if you leave.

i not shure what to say? have you talked to your boy friend about his ex n why he thinks they act up after they see mommy n she leaves n the oldest gose on a mean sreek?? is there resentment that you leave while there mom is there? mabey they would like you there? i take it you take care of them all the time n live with your boy friend. i do know my isaac yoused to acked up after spending tme w/ my mom, n had to go home for the night. but now she sees him n my youngest when she can, even takes them during the day some times. n brings themm back for dinner, mabey he just dont understand why mommy just leaves n dont understand why she stays a way so long... what about weekends? to speend w/ mommy or something? hope things get better n all you have to do is just love them n let them know that no matter what they do your not leaving. n you love them.ttyl good luck. P.

First of all when she comes to visit you need to be there and be friends with her. It is tuff but it is for the kids. You need them to see you are ok with her and she is ok with you. Then and only then will they be ok when she leaves. You are the one that they are seeing is there and not her so they get angry. (misplased anger of course) Jim and I have been together for 10 years now. My daughter has a drop in here and there father too. It was hard when she was younger but we just learned to make everyone get along together. He also has a son from a previous marriage. Just tuff it out it will pass.

You are on the right track. Also you should wait to give them their naps until after she leaves, have her come early so they are tired when she goes. Then their should be less havack on her departure.

M.

Your story resonates with my life growing up with separated parents so I wanted to chime in and share something helpful. Your stepson is upset and hurt that his mother is not a consistent presence in his life. Even if she comes to visit, it is not the same as having her tuck him in every night, kiss his knee when he falls down, feed him his favorite snack, etc. The woman that should be his anchor, his security has abandoned him, in his three year old world. He does not know how to verbalize the hurt and anxiety he must be feeling and acting out represents how powerless he feels in the situation. Your boyfriend (his biological parent) should talk to him about his feelings and reassure him that he will always be there for him. You can also play a supportive role but the primary message of understanding must come from dad. He also needs to understand that his feelings are normal and that we all feel sad, hurt, angry at times. He needs some outlet to express his feelings in a more constructive way. If he draws, ask him to draw a picture about how he feels. It will be insightful for dad and you. Lastly, remember that after he has had a horrible day, he feels worse too. Help him by being understanding.

you might want to try seeking new ways to communicate with the older boy. there is a huge potential that, like his brother, he just wanted to be held more too.

he's only three. he may need some help with ways to communicate his experience. obviously, he gets attention when he's bad. perhaps this is at the heart of his behavior? maybe you could start by asking questions.

Try to empathize as much as possible. it is clear that you're a bit resentful of the ex and blame her for creating the mess that you had to deal with all weekend. try to put that aside.

He's three. his mom is no longer around. his dad and new mom are moving in together. he has a lot to contend with: new personalities, new space, new rules, new ideas, new language. All when he's just getting his feet under him in this world.

maybe he needs someone to sit down with him in a space where he feels calm and safe and ask him how he's doing? did he like mommy's visit? What was his favorite part? does he miss her? Would he like to make her a card? Encourage him to put his feelings into words, give him metaphors that he understands, and maybe he'll come out feeling more in control of the situation.

good luck!

Be encouraged; the same thing used to happen with my stepson after visits with his Mom. Of course disciplining the behavior is a must, at the same time his wound of losing her again must be tended to as well. It seems like being in this situation, we must fix what’s constantly being broken; because on the inside, he is torn and confused. He must feel secure with you & the rest of the family to act out the way he does, so that’s a good thing...in an odd sort of way. His aggression just needs to be guided to be more constructive. I'm sure he has no idea why feels the way he does nor could he explain his behavior. My suggestion is to get as creative as possible in disciplining. Warning, it usually gets worse before it gets better. First off, it's important that both you & his Dad are in complete agreement in whatever action is taken. Once my husband & I had his son sit in a time out chair in the middle of the living room & we were right around the corner in the kitchen talking about all the positive things we loved about him. Our intention was for him to hear every good thing we spoke of him while in the 'hot seat' or 'time out chair'. We also spoke of how much we missed those special things about him. At first he would scream & freak out but we would take turns lovingly & firmly putting him back on the chair telling him the rule is to sit quietly. We would occasionally pass by him as if he were not there until his 'nice guy' was back. The goal is, in my opinion, for him to always know that no matter what, you love and accept him but not the ugliness.
Hope this helps. I say be creative because sometimes they'll be naughty just to hear us talk about them. I think that sometimes discipline should only leave a bad taste in their mouth & other times be combined with sugar, you know, mixed with positive reinforcement but the times that the discipline only leaves a bad taste in the mouth should always be summed up later with positive reinforcement. Oh yea, one more thing; we should always explain to them ‘better ways’ of handling their situation, without the ugliness. My step son is now a well adjusted young adult.
God Bless, L. Hooker.

The way the child is behaving is perfectly normal. He doesn't understand why his mother isn't around and when she visits he gets his hopes up that she will be staying. I had a foster daughter and her baby living with me. The girl got into drugs and was arrested. For years every time her or the father visited the child, I had a week of acting out. I would warn the teachers that they had visited so they would understand the beligerent behavior. The child is 13 now and better able to understand the choices his parents are making. I would strongly suggest you find a child psychologist to help the kids figure out appropriate ways to express everything they are feeling. It is far better that they work out the anger now with a professional than keep it festering until they are teens and then do some life changing acting out.

It is clear that he is missing his mom and angry at the world and taking it out on those around him. He needs better ways to understand he is angry and to express his anger appropriately. Do your best to get him and the younger son some counseling and help. It takes awhile for a visit from a missing parent to "work it's way through" a child's reality and routine.

That being said, make sure he is getting tons of sleep, healthy food and water or milk and little to no TV/computer. That alone will help calm him and help him deal with his mood. Then keep hugging, kissing and reminding him what a great kid he is (even if he's really ticking you off!). He needs to know the other adults around him won't disapear no matter how badly he behaves.

Been there, good luck!

My friend's son used to be like that especially after visiting his dad.. now he is 10 and would rather not see his dad. I ( and his mom) believe that it was because his dad was not constint in his life while he was younger that made him lash out. and I remember with both my boys that is already a hard age for kids especially if one of their parents hardly ever see them. i think it was because the mom hardly ever sees her kids,, however is it really hard for the adults to get along?? maybe if the kids can see all the adults getting along,, the lashing out might not occur..?? and the kids need to know that all the adults involved care for them.

If you think about how hard and confusing it is for you take a step back and try to see how it is for both of these lil men. They are going through a lot in so many different ways and as adults we still need help working through our feelings and frustrations,you need to keep a very open and honest line of communication with the boys and their Dad, NO MATTER what they do you have to constanly remind them that they are loved unconditionally!! and NO MATTER how they behave or rather act out Dad and you are ALWAYS there. I went through something similar but I am the Mother od twin boys and their Father is the one who still to this day only sees and talks to them randomly, but my boys know that I am ALWAYS here and so is there DAD (My Husband)No MATTER what, sometimes we are there to be yelled at (and it is never regarding something we did but about how they are feeling) for me them yelling is not in anyway disrespect towards us, it is their way to get all the yuck out and then we talk about it, I would rather them yell then keep it all bottled up. When my boys were younger we went to talk to a family counsler and got alot of useful tips and tools not just for the boys but for us too. It is important to keep life going and communicate with family and friends about what is going on with your family an dthey can help reassure the boys that they too are loved by them NO MATTER what and they are there to love them unconditionally even when they might be rude, our families are great allies.

I agree with the overall theme of the responses -- that your boyfriend's children need a loving patient response to their behavior, which was so noticable with the oldest when their birth mom visited, but may also pop up as "regular" challenging behavior at other times too. They have experienced trauma at a very young age (and possibly have attachment issues) which has impacted their neurological system and will probably become more apparent over the years, but you and your boyfriend can definitely do something now to help repair the damage. The sooner, the better. I highly recommend checking out the site www.beyondconsequences.com and the book "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors". That book and other support from the Beyond Consequences Institute has been a true life-saver for us and our adopted children who experienced similar trauma. Please do act now while the kids are still small. It gets much tougher when they get larger and stronger (not trying to scare you-- just been-there-done-that). You can DEFINITELY do something to help your budding family and I have confidence that you'll do your best! Best wishes!

Hi K.,
Be patient. The kids are confused and don't have the verbal skills to communicate it. First of all their father needs to be the primary diciplinarian. He is the constant adult in their lives so he needs to be the strongest influence. Maybe the two of you can sit down, no kids, and decide some very basic and simple rules. Boys especially need firm structure (I raised two boys now grown up). I have a great book (somewhere) that equates not having strong limits and boundaries for boys to driving accross the Golden Gate bridge with no railings. If you really think about that it makes perfect sense. It's reassuring to know those guard rails are there even though they won't stop a big fast truck from going overboard, it's a guideline that everyone can see and depend on.
With the boys, they need to know EXACTLY what the rules are and what the consequences are for not following them.
Keep it simple. For example, no eating away from the table.
If they take food into the living room the consequences are 3 minute time out, 2nd offense no food. ALWAYS give them a hug, hold them and reassure them you love them after the discipline. If you have a chance to watch "Super Nanny" on t.v. the nannny Jojo is great at setting up a disciplined household with the parents.
Chances are that with a mother that hasn't come around for 7 months these kids haven't had the CONSISTANT structure and nurturing they need to develop well.
Also, the older one is setting an example for the younger one. He will either emmulate his older brother's behavior or become the codependent child and turn into a door mat people pleaser.
Talk to their pediatrician and start reading about childhood behavior and the struggles of kids whose parents separate. My parents divorced when I was 3. The whole step-parent thing became a stress factor when my mom insisted I call my step-father "Dad". I had a dad I saw every other Sunday and it didn't feel right calling this other guy dad.
Ask the older one to sit with you and read or hang out. Look him in the eyes, hold his hands and tell him how much you love him and what a great little boy he is. My pediatrician taught me to be always touching, kissing, hugging & smiling 90% of the time. When they disobey and cross the line then the 10% of firm, no nonsense, deep voice reprimands were more effective and they never doubted that I loved them.
Maybe you and your boyfriend can find a parenting class through adult education in your area. It wouldn't cost much money and you'd meet other parents going through the same things. Be patient with them and also yourself!!!
Remember, the kids don't know how to handle this anymore than you do and are just confused and uneasy. Keep on loving them the best you can.
AC

K., it is very traumatic for kids to deal with parents who are not together. I would probably act out too if my mom didn't spend much time with me. I recommend that you don't move in with your boyfriend unless you guys are going to get married and you are fully committed to those kids. The last thing they need in their life is to get attached to you and have you leave them at some point too.

Most children have that issue after being with a parent they have not seen or been around in a while. They dont understand why their mom or dad does not see them, just like my stepdaughter, she goes with her mother and everything is great...until she gets back home. Her mother is a fun mom, while my husband and I are the bad mom and dad, why? The other parent lets me do what ever they feel like doing. At that age they are just testing the waters and they dont mean to be rude to your parents or family they are just little people in a big persons world. Dont give up, be firm and when they ask questions tell them the truth DO NOT LIE OR SUGAR COAT THINGS. It will get better it takes a while...good luck

Since the Mother doesn't seem to see them much, I would have your boyfriend tell the Mother, he want's child support. She may never come around again...:) Plus, I wouldn't make it comfortable for her to visit. Don't leave when she comes over. The best thing you can do for the boys is to be kind to their Mother and never talk bad about her. Love always prevails....

My oldest did the same thing every other weekend when he had to spend time with his father too. It took us about 4 or 5 days to get him back to normal behavior. It sent him into a raging anger when he was "made" to visit his dad. He was not treated by him the way his younger brother was so he had a lot of build up anger inside of him. Your son is probably experiencing the same thing. It could be that even though he knows she is his mother she still left him and this bothers him. I am sure he is afraid of you and his dad leaving as well. I suggest that he talks to someone about his feelings; a counselor of some type. You might want to get some counseling as well to try to get a better grasp of what he might be feeling and how to handle it in an effective manner. You might also try doing things with just him every now and then to build on your relationship and make him feel more secure.

It's not easy and it sounds like you have your hands full, but are in it for the long run. I wish you well!

Small children do not have the verbal skills or the wisdom to be able to explain their feelings, thus they act out.

If you are a part of the boys lives, you should be in the house just as much as when the ex is not there, because you will all have to work together to bring the children up.

By you being away, the children could feel neglected and abandon by you causing him to act out when you are back.

Also this is a confusing time, small children and even older children do not understand why parents and adult figures in there lives go away, they blame themselves and all those close to them.

Next time, the routines for the children should remain the same, it will make it easier on them and you.