3 Year Old Always Crying Makes Me Upset Sometimes.

Dr. Sears has some great advice on discipline and helping kids communicate, as well as helping parents handle their anger. Here is a link to his suggestions:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

Ignore her when she cries. By giving her attention, she now thinks that crying is the way to get you to listen to her. Ignore her and tell her when she is done crying, you two can talk.

You have a baby too, right?

For your 3 year old: Kids this age Cry:
1) when not happy or tantrum when not happy or whenever frustrated or they are not getting what they need.

2) if they are over-tired or tired

3) if they are hungry.

4) because they cannot communicate accurately, like an older child of 12 years old. Not even Teens can do that.

5) because kids this age do NOT have fully developed "deductive reasoning" yet.

6) When I had my 2nd child, my daughter started Preschool. She LOVED LOVED LOVED it. It was HER time. It was, feeding HER emotionally and physically and her brain. She learned a ton and got to socialize with other kids besides just Me and her new baby brother.
It is good.

7) Kids this age, need help for things. They are not, independent... emotionally nor mentally. Keep "expectations" age appropriate.
It is tiring, for a Grown-up... to be with a baby 24/7, and not get sleep and being tired too. So, imagine how it is for a mere 3 year old. They get "stress" too.

8) A kid this age, still needs a ton of bonding.

9) because- a kid this age does NOT even have fully developed "emotions" yet.... and so, they don't even know how they feel or what they need. They do not know... articulately, what they need or want.

Your child does not seem happy. Or is very frustrated. Or stressed. Or bored. And thus, this is why many kids act out.
They are not getting what they need and they are not understood.

She is only 3 years old.
When parental 'expectations' are not congruent with a child's age or development... this is when frustrations can occur, for both child and parent.

Have activities for her.
Have a schedule everyday.
Have her nap.
Kids this age, cannot do time-management nor are they self-reliant.

If she's crying constantly she's in pain (either emotional or physical). The most obvious explanation (based on your previous posts) is that you have a newborn baby and your three year old is learning to share her mommy and daddy for the first time. It doesn't sound like you are supporting her in that struggle -- and it seems that your husband is out of control in his responses as well (spanking her for her crying in the middle of the night as discussed in your last post).

Your child needs your help and protection. If you and your husband are feeling out of control you need to talk with your pediatrician, read some parenting books, get some support from a Mommy and Me class or seek advice from a counselor on how to deal with your frustrations and issues with this.

Again -- from you previous post, It seems that you have unreasonable expectations of your child == (anger at her for waking up to use the bathroom several times a night -- when most children use pullups at three and don't even attempt the potty!). Anger at her that she would want to join you in bed when she sees the infant there sleeping with her parents and she is sent away.

I don't think you can underestimate how traumatic a new baby is for a young child. Someone once described the feeling a first born has about a new sibling as the feeling a woman would have -- if her husband told her he had a new wife that would be sharing the house and sleeping in his bed and getting all his attention! There is not a person on this board who wouldn't crumble given that scenario --and that's how a three year old sees it -- her parents belong to her and and now there's an interloper in the house taking them away from her.

That is the most obvious explanation -- but there could also be something physical or nuerological as well -- so don't punish her -- try to understand and offer support and attention.

Preschool sounds like a great option (most children start at three). It would give her friends and social skills, and it would give you alone time with the baby . Remember however, to make some special time for your three year old when she's not in school, apart from the baby, just for the two of you. And try to let her know you understand how difficult life is when there's change and she's learning how to share mommy and daddy

But do try to get help and an outlet for your frustrations -- and try to provide help and support for your children Spanking and hurting your child because she cannot handle her feelings without tears -- is not a solution for anyone.

Let me ask you a question - how do you want to be treated when you're so upset that you're crying? Do you want someone trying to "make" you stop? Or do you want someone to empathize with you and try to help you?

Kids never cry "for no reason." The reason may not be obvious, but there is a reason. Find out what it is and go from there.

She's so little. She's never done this "life" thing before. She needs help on learning how to navigate all these strong emotions.

Since you say she is strong willed, let me recommend an incredible book. It's called "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. She is a genius at working with strong willed kids! The book gives concrete examples of things you can do/say so that you and your daughter both get what you want out of any situation. You both win, so you're both happy. It's awesome!

Best of luck to you and your precious girl!!

If you are finding yourself tempted to harm your child, you absolutely must seek help. Mothering is an extremely sacrificial job. It's normal to get stressed, and we all need support.
It can be an all-out battle within ourselves to choose to love our kids in practical ways. Yes, we love them emotionally, but it's another thing to show that in our actions. And it's not easy when their needs are so constant and we just want a little peace! But my relationships with my kids grew the most when I chose to prioritize their needs. It's one of the surest ways for a woman's character to grow deep.
I found that giving up my agenda and prioritizing my children reduced a lot of the stress. If she's crying, make it your priority to find out why and to understand whether she needs a story, a nap, a time-out, whatever. Have that be the only thing you know you must get done today, and I bet you'll be able to relax and even enjoy your day with your little one.
Blessings!

You need to be a caring mom.

Three year olds cry. Find the money for preschool. Don't spend it on something else, and you will have it. It sounds like you need the break, so you need to find a way to afford it.

In the meantime, be kind to your little baby girl. Stop all the spanking and negativity. No wonder she cries.

it is normal and she knows it gets to you. Even though it is LOUD and PERSISTENT try to treat it like any other behavior you don't tolerate. I totally get you here. I have 4 girls. whining, screaming, crying, yelling, DRAMA happens DAILY...... multiple times DAILY (youngest is almost 3 now, oldest is almost 8).

Some days I handle things better than others, but I DO notice when I am calm and they are not, they notioce that. Kids know that their extreme behaviors are noticed and reacted to the most, so they will keep doing it. Try your ulimate best to keep your cool because although this is just a stage (YES, this stage WILL PASS, Thank goodness), there will be another tactic of hers and she's only getting older so therefore more sneaky, sly, wise, etc she will get.

Stop the perception of control now- meaning, don't SHOW it gets to you, don't let the crying work for her in any way, shape or form! Good Luck:)

watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video. It will teach you how to work with your child.

If my son is crying...I first make sure that he is not hurt or hurting or anything like that. If he is just being a whinny 3 year old, I encourage him to use his "big Boy words" to talk to me so that I can understand what he needs/wants and so I can help him. This is effective. I also understand that sometimes it is hard for a kid (or an adult) to get over a bad/upset mood...knowing this (because that is how I am) I tickle him or do something silly to help "make the tears go away" then we go about all happy and in a good mood.

What does her Dad think?

Blessings...

Take a deep breath, or two, or ten...I know how annoying this can be...my 2.5 year old is in the phase too...somedays I am able to handle it quite well, other times I lose my cool and regrettably yell at her. :(

If you can afford preschool, why not do it? Even if its only half days. Give yourself a bit of a break. :) No harm in that, and it will help you to be an even better mama. I know I am really wanting to put my little one is some sort of preschool. I think she whines many times because she is bored. It is hard for me to do as many activies as I'd like and keep her occupies bc I also have a 14 month old and a house to take care of.

You're not alone in this. :) My Mom always told me this, and she is right, "This too shall pass."

It's normal at this age. Many go through a stage of crying a LOT about things. I've gotten the best results from trying to see the world through my child's eyes, as well as understanding their emotional development at this age (which is quite limited - they have lots of emotions but little idea how to deal with them).

Here's what works for me...and I'm sure it might seem a little crazy, but it works for us! I learned this from a book I read.

- They never get in trouble for crying (anymore...in the past they have, and it only made it worse).
- I'll treat it seriously, ask them if they need a hug to feel better (even if they are mad at ME for telling them no to something. I still offer a hug, but I don't give in to them either).
- I'll try to talk about it with them, finding out how they are feeling.
- I validate feelings "Oh, yeah, that would make me sad too if I wasn't allowed to play with that doll" (or whatever it is)
- I never tell them they are wrong for their feelings. I always validate, offer comfort, and usually that's all we need! Often by the end they feel better and are done crying.

If the child is super upset and unable to cope with the situation, I suggest a "cool down" spot. This is a calming place the child can go to regain composure, focus on dealing with feelings, and calm down. It's NOT time out.

This is all from the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen. When I first read it, I thought some of it was crazy. But then I thought about how I feel when I'm upset. If I got in trouble or had someone mad at me for feeling upset over something, it would make it WORSE. I would be upset for my feelings being minimalized. So, I decided to give it a try and was surprised by the way it really worked.

And, so many people think giving hugs and positive attention when they behave poorly will make them behave poorly more often to get that type of attention, but that hasn't been the case at all. They get upset WAY less often, and it resolves much faster. (You do have to give positive attention through out the day in order to ensure they don't act up just for attention, etc).

I think as parents it's easy for us to find a child's whining/crying to be annoying and of no importance to us (I've felt that way many a times!), but when you show a caring side, no punishing, and validating their feelings while offering comfort...it's amazing the change that comes about.

My three older ones will stop most of their tantrums by the end of my talking with them like this. I've also noticed they comfort each other more. If one of them is upset, another one will come over, put their arms around them and talk with them about it and say things like "Yeah, I know that has to be hard. I've felt that way before too." It's teaching a good skill!

It's basically a phase and mostly because she doesnt know how yet to express herself verbally. Do more talking with her so she really learns how to put her feelings into words and you will begin to see less crying. Crying is usually due to frustration. When you see her starting to get upset figure out what you can do to help her work through it. Pretend like you've only been on the planet for 3 short years, it's an overwhelming place. Mommy's need LOTS of patience =)

i Ariel. don't give into her crying, I know it can be very taxing on the nerves, what I did with my chuildren and what I do now with my daycare kids is i encourage them to use their words, I don't reward crying and winning. She probably does not stop for you because at some time or another the crying worked with you and she got what she wanted. It may be a phase but it will be hey way of communicating if it works. J.

Updated

i Ariel. don't give into her crying, I know it can be very taxing on the nerves, what I did with my chuildren and what I do now with my daycare kids is i encourage them to use their words, I don't reward crying and winning. She probably does not stop for you because at some time or another the crying worked with you and she got what she wanted. It may be a phase but it will be hey way of communicating if it works. J.

There are a few things that come to mind for your 3 year old. She now has to compete with her younger sibling for your attention and thus a possible factor in her whining. Sending her to school is not a bad idea. I have enrolled my now 4 year old son in school since he was 6 months old. They learn alot of social functions like sharing, playing nice, listening to adults while at school. If you are worried about her being gone all day, many private preschools/daycare places offer a morning 1/2 program or other variations. I'd take a look at the local educational places for your daughter and try it out.

Take a moment for you and relax. It's probably a phase. As long as she's healthy, clean, fed, and rested, no need to worry. Let her cry and get past her melt down. Just busy yourself in the process.

I know what you mean--some perfectly normal, age appropriate kid behaviors can drive a parent crazy especially if you are are a SAHM and rarely get a break. Preschool or even an occasional babysitter so you can get the break you need is worth it. My 5 year old started preschool at 3 and after some adjustment did well and got so much out of it. I'm getting ready to start my 2.5 year old soon.

I find myself saying "Use your words" all the time to my kids when they get upset. Sometimes it helps to name the feeling for them "I'd be frustrated too" "That looked like it hurt" or whatever fits. Other times if your kid is overtired, overwhelmed or whatever they just have to get the crying/tantrum out of their system. I you can comfort them, fine. If you just don't have the patience them walking away until they calm down is fine too. I find my kids, especially the older one, is really prone to meltdowns when he gets overtired. If your 3 year old is giving up naps or something then you might need to adjust bedtime. I had to put my older one to bed an hour earlier when he started preschool and gave up napping.

Three year olds are very challenging. They are bouncing between wanting to be independent and dependent. My twin daughter is very whiney and cries more than seems warranted. It is very irritating but it is a phase. A very classic child development book by Louise Bates and Frances Ilg says that the best thing at this age is to put them in preschool so MOM can get a break.

Hello, If you send her to her room or another place where she can't look at you and see that she is annoying you, eventually, she will get the picture. It is very hard to listen to. My granddaughter calls her mommy, her auntie and me all "Ma". She says it one million times a day. It can get on our nerves, but I just close it out when she has not response to "What, 'Susie' ?" Susie is not her real name. Anyway, when she has nothing to add, I start to ignore her for awhile. Eventually, she moves on.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

Is she getting enough sleep? My 3 year old gets really emotional/sensitive and doesn't know what she wants when she's tired. I know it's hard to not get frustrated but perhaps she just needs some "mommy snuggles." That's usually what mine finally determines because she knows that I'm frustrated and it makes her feel even worse and she just needs reassurance that "mommy still loves her."

Three year olds can be very difficult. However, when children are crying in manipulation, they stop immediately when they get what they want. When children continue to cry when they have been given what they "wanted", there is something else going on.

Your job is to figure out what that something else is. Here is a list to consider:
sleep-deprived
hungry
breathing problems
allergic reaction
pain
illness
medical problem
dental problem
sensory problem
communication disorder
frustration
lonely
sad

Overwhelming? Yup.

Take a step back, take some notes, and see if you can identify patterns. Ask friends for their observations. When can she calm down and when can she not? When does she get upset and when does she not? The biggest issue is usually identifying the exact problem. When you identify the problem, the solution becomes much easier, and often self-evident.

Be forgiving with yourself. This is really hard.

Contact me privately if you want to discuss observations and ideas.

My son has pushed my nerves to the point that I now take anti anxiety meds bc my bp goes thru the roof when he is crying and crying.

I have even asked my mom about when I was a child.. She told me I never cried that much. So I asked my ML and she said my husband use to be a big cryer.. ugh.. so thats where he gets it.

The thing about my son is he does not throw fits.. I am sooo lucky for that. He has never been one to have a massive melt down but he is a easy cry-er... Now that he is four he is getting better.

It Gets better just take a deep breath and know that this too will pass and it is a stage.