To Blame Parents or Not to Blame Parents?

Julie,
Like many other respondants, I too have questioned my parents motives for parenting me in the haphazard way that they did. My parents entered into parenthood with NO knowledge of child development and even less regard for it. Consequently, I have also struggled with blaming my parents for things. I have finally concluded one thing, however. It was not that my parents could have been better parents, but wouldn't or chose not to. That was not the case. My parents simply COULDN'T be better parents. The only way I could find peace with this issue is to ask myself, "Is it that they "couldn't" be better parents or that they "wouldn't" be better parents. I can deal with the past if I know they honestly couldn't do any better. It is disappointing, but I can deal with it. However, I CANNOT deal with something if I feel they simply wouldn't do any better. It took me a while to decide which was the case with my parents.
In your case with your daughter, it sounds like you realize there is always room for improvement, no matter what we are doing in life. In your case it is parenting. If she grows up and questions how she was parented it sounds like your intentions are pure and honest. She will know that whatever shortcomings you may have had as a parent (and we all have them) that it wasn't because you wouldn't have done it differently it was because for whatever reason, you couldn't have done it differently. Perhaps financial constraints limited what you could do, or a limited understanding of a particuliar situation influenced your decisions. Whatever, the reasons you will need to trust yourself and she will have to decide for herself when she takes responsibility for how she turned out and when or if she decides to place blame.
One final thought, no matter what your issues are and who is to blame for you having them, you turned out the way you did because you were supposed to turn out that way. Everyone will have issues in life. That is an inevitable fact. If the focus is on who gave them to us, we can't spend any of our time and energy on dealing appropriately with them. Perhaps, you are fixated on finding who is to blame for your issues because that is easier and less scary than simply dealing with your issues. Just a thought from someone who has been there. Good luck with this one.
L.

J.,

If you get confirmation that your parents are to blame, then what? What does it change? How is it going to help or improve anything?

We're all significantly shaped and molded by our upbringing, however imperfect that may be. Your parents made mistakes. You will make mistakes. Your daughter will make mistakes. They will probably be different mistakes. You can't be human and not make mistakes. Forget about placing blame.

Our children often grow up completely different than us, regardless of how they were raised. They are their own selves when it comes down to it, and sometimes you will wonder how they ended up so different from how they were raised, good or bad.

Good luck! I'm sure you're doing a better job than you think you are.

I wonder how old your daughter is! If she's a baby, she's not blaming you for anything right now.

Yes, I used to finger-point at my parents for a lot of things. When you have an important responsibility, it's easy to compare yourself to your parents, your siblings, your friends, your neighbors, and anyone else who comes to mind - at least superficially. I believe that we are even encouraged to do that. I must admit I used comparison as a substitute for confidence; certainly (I thought huffily) I ought to do things better than my mother could! Isn't disdain for "turning into our mothers" looked on as a sign of maturity and sophistication?

Then, at a certain point, I stopped and realized that no matter what happened as I grew up, my parents did the best they knew how. There were some things I wish hadn't happened the way they did, but people cannot be disdained for not doing better than the best they can. And that's that. What I did with myself and with my children was my own responsibility - I, too, had to do the best I knew how. And yes, my grown children are looking at me now with the same scornful attitude I had for my parents. I hope they will find some good things to remember as time goes by.

Please don't play "what if," because that's a fruitless game and a waste of your energy. Your job is to take care of your daughter and other members of your family the best you can today. What she or anyone else will think of you in the future is not your concern. You can help yourself by not focusing on, "I'm not going to do such-and-such" (as in, "I'm not going to be an old grouch like my mom was"). You can't be successful by focusing on what you *aren't* going to do. Find out what you *are* going to do or want to do (i.e., learn to maintain a sense of humor, enjoy every day with my child as much as I can, learn to think positively so I can teach her to think positively). Then you have a direction to travel in, not just a path to avoid. If you don't find a positive road, you go in a negative direction by default.

Yes, you'll make mistakes. But children don't actually need their parents to be perfect; they need parents who do the best they know how.

I remember thinking this way when I was younger. Why did my mother and father act the way they did. I remember wondering why why why. It kind of dawned on me that they did 100 times better than their parents. So they did think they were doing better with the resources that they had at hand. I had to remember my parents did not have computers at hand like we do. My moms education was very limited. She had never even held a baby before she had one. Then she had baby after baby. With absolutely no help. NONE.

I do believe my parents did the best they could at the time. I am sure they regret a lot. I do know they loved all of us so much. I raised my children knowing what not to do. I know some things my parents did were really questionable. My mom did what the Doctor said. Now ,I know this Doctor was an expert in every single field in those days. Can you imagine.

My mother was told to lay us in the sun with baby oil on us so that we would get the outside air and some color. That it would help our colds. Now if we did this today we would be arrested. We lived through it all.

Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who is so interested in making sure she turns out just fine. Please do not stress so much. She will be a well adjusted good human! Raised with great self esteem that you will instill in her. Your dong a great job. Teach her how to relax and learn about life.

Do not be so hard on your parents. Most do what they think at the time is the best. I could blame mine for tons of stuff. But what would the point be? They are just parents and children did not come with instructions then. Now we have advice at our fingertips., my parents just learned as they went along though life. I would never question my parents love for me. I know they love me as much as I love mine.

I do think there are certain things you can blame parents for - if a young person has a low self-esteem due to bad parenting, they may never overcome that. Or they make seek help and learn that their parents screwed up and that they are perfectly great people. I do think that we can blame parents for problems early on, for kids to act up, etc. but I think once we get beyond young adulthood, it is our responsibility to take ownership of who we are, to overcome those things and to create a life that's fulfilled and content.

For example, I did not have a great childhood in some ways. My mother had mental health issues and a low self esteem. She was VERY critical, regretted becoming a mother early and would let us know that if we hadn't been born...this or that would have been better. She rarely came to any of my actvities, despite me being a very good student. My dad and her divorced when I was 15 and he then stopped coming around. When I got into my late teen and early adult years, I was attention starved - I sought attention by being wild, acting out, sleeping around, putting up with bad treatment from guys - because I was desperate for the attention I never got. However, as I got older and was exposed to other people and how they were treated/acted, got my degree and had positive experiences on my own, I began to see that my parents were screwed up, were too young and immature to have kids and that gave me a rough start in life. However, now, I am nothing like that. I'm a confident, happy, successful well-adjusted adult. And, now that I'm becoming a mom and waited until I am older and fully ready, mature, etc., I am much better prepared to give a child what she needs, unlike my mom.

Of course, these things being said, we are imperfect. Our kids will always blame certain things on us - childhood is full of disappointments and hurts. Hopefully, with time, those things can be resolved for the parent and child.

There's a phrase I like - "it's a reason, not an excuse" - to me this means that yes, you can "blame" others to some degree, but you are still responsible for your choices. In many ways, I feel the same way you do, but I felt it before I had my son. Having him as just highlighted. Parents are a product of their own upbringing and society - they have their own baggage as well. But I also think that some people just don't have emotional depth to think about how they affect others. My mother is one of those people. I don't recall her being cruel with words, but her actions suck. My family came from depression era circumstances, so they didn't expect much from life, no big dreams or goals beyond survival, no passion about anything. I remember many times being told not to get so "upset", "worked up", "excited" again. I shut down at an early age and have been fighting it for 20 years.

Parents are somewhat responsible for how we turn out, BUT we can chose to go in a different direction and to fight to be what we want to be. Good luck in your journey!

Parents are a product of their childhoods. Their parents were a product of theirs.. It is hard to break the cycle or to not go overboard trying not to be like others. Instead you need to be who you are and doing your best each moment and day. .

So now you have a choice. Decide what type of parent you want to be and do it.

Are you the best you can be? Do you do your best every day? When you make a decision is it thought out? If you can honestly say you are doing your best, you should not have any regrets.

Remember you may be a product of your parents, but you are now a grown up and have a choice. You no longer can just put all of your unhappiness, insecurities, regrets on others. You now are in charge of your own life.. Move on and quit looking back. You are missing out on your own life with your own children. You are the only one in charge of your life.

I have 2 children and still thinks that you are responsible for your actions and for what happens to you in life.
Many children suffering the most miserable childhoods become wonderful adults and human being. One of y aunts is a wonderful person and mother and yet she was an awfully spoiled child who could get away with basically anything she wanted as a kid; Everyone could foresee the miserable adult she would become. And they were wrong.

As a parent, you are responsible for what happens to your daughter - and in a certain extent for what she does - as she is too young to be responsible of anything. That's why your house is child-proofed, that's why you feed her, discipline her, don't let her cross the street on her own, etc.
Of course, what you do now, the way you parent, the way you live (children learn more from what we do than from what we teach) will help build her personality, self-esteem, values... But at the end, she will be an adult making her own decisions and responsible for them.
Whether she will blame you or not is a different story. But her choices will be her responsibility. I'm teaching that to my children. They are not victims of their education, of the system, of the society, of their culture, skin colors.... They are (or will be) responsible human being accountable for their choices.
As mother, guilt is a way of life. We feel guilty all the time for everything, from loosing our nerves, to spanking or to forgetting sunscreen once. Better not adding the guilt that our children may try to put on us in 20 years!

Nope. We all make choices in life. Your parent's bad choices resulted in you doubting their parenting abilities. I have a friend with a horrible abusive childhood, long time denial and numbing the self with massive amounts of drugs, finally sobriety, recovery and therapy. Guess what this person says when asked about childhood and the impact on life? "Get over it" is a direct quote. There's nothing to be gained by playing the blame game. Yes, past experiences form us into what we are today, but it is our CHOICE to life life the way WE want to. Looking backwards changes nothing. make the best choices you can for your daughter. I doubt your choices will be perfect. No O.'s are!

If you're going to blame your parents for the mistakes they made, you need to give them credit for the good things too. Your parents are responsible for raising you meaning you have to give credit for the good things if you're going to be angry about the bad things.

I can go on and on about the shortcomings of my own parents. In short, they weren't bad to the point of neglectful but they sure as hell weren't cut out to have kids either. It is what it is. I don't have a lot of confidence in inter personal relationships, I was never really 'shown' how to cultivate and maintain relationships....but I'm strong and independent and know how to make things happen for myself. It's who I am thanks to the way my parents raised me.

I'm forever joking I'm saving up for therapy bills as opposed to college. Even though I parent very differently, I'm sure I'm still not meeting my kid's needs for their own self reference criterion. GL in your journey.

I think most, if not all, parents parent their child based on how their parents raised them. Some repeat the parenting cycle (good or bad) while others will try to avoid repeating what they deem parenting mistakes. For example, if you think your parents were too strick you may be very laxed. If you feel you parents were too laxed then you may be very strict. The only mistake I see in that is both extremes.

I don't think it is bad to blame your parents as long as you realize you were responsible for any decisions made that caused the mistakes. What I mean is (and I know this is an extreme example), if you chose to steal a car because your parents wouldn't let you drive it is reasonable to say you made the decision because of their stand on driving but also must admit it was you who made the decision to steal. Does that make sense?

Everyone must be their own person and parent in the way that fits them. I am sure your parents didn't do things perfectly in their parents eyes either so I wouldn't worry about that. Just love your daughter, teach her right from wrong (even when/if she resists or acts like she isn't paying attention), be there for her and do what you think is best. Yes, you will make mistakes because no one is perfect and even if you were your child would still think you made some mistakes. As long as those mistakes are made w/ love and the best intentions I believe the child will be fine. Just be sure to parent and not just try to be her friend (that will come later).

By the way, my almost 19 year old son has had his moments. He often thought I was too strict but I often reminded him that I grew up in a much stricter household and I could be like "so and so". He immediately realized he didn't have it so bad. Later when the ones he thought he should have as much freedom as started making very bad decisions and getting into trouble while having no adult supervision he expressed that my strictness (which wasn't very) was not so bad afterall. Even when he seemed to ignore me, I now see proof he was listening as he has become a young man that I am proud of. And yes, he still makes decisions that I wish were different but they are his decisions to make.

I hope this helps.

I consciously have done the complete opposite of my mother. She yelled at all times , I don't, she slapped us, I don't, she was passive in her entire realtionship with us neither supported or not supported any decisions we made, I am present in my childs life. I could go on. Do I blame my mother for things that went awry in my lfe? I did when I was younger, but now that I am older I am responsible for all my actions and what I chose to do in my life. I don't dwell on it any longer because I don't want to miss what's in the here and now. Our children will go through their phases and no matter how great a parent you are we will inevitably hear those words "you've ruined my life!!" Becasue not all our decisions we will make for our kids will be popular to them, especially in saftey and when they are in trouble and we ground them when they have the "party fo the year" to go to and now can't. Just know you are doing your best and recognize when you want to blame your parents for things, they did their best with the tools they had and we are doing ours. Take a breath momma you will be fine.

if I thought of all the stupid things my 'rents did I would be really messed up. there is a long list of mistakes they made. but the way i look at it is: they loved me, they never ment to do any of that, they STILL think they did a great job: they were just uneducated about how to be better. THEN I look at myself and try to do better, try to not be like them, try to read/learn and make the best decisions that I can. am i perfect, no, but I try my very best (well that is scarry bc they thought they did too: it is a hard cycle LOL). I know there will be a time where I will mess up, she will say those heart wrentching words I hate you mom, but for now I just do what I think it right. and i just love love love her. hope that helps a bit!

I felt that when I had kids I was going to do things SOO different from my parents. I felt I deserved a better growing up than I had and it must have been their fault. Well, I did do things completely different and my daughter ended up living almost the exact same life as I did. Despite all the reverse parenting I did. My husband seems to feel that what he made it through in growing up was fine and so he didnt need to change a thing. We now have a child living his exact life. So, with that my theory is children are going to be who they are despite how they are raised. Some will take the low times and dwell on them and make their life less happy and some will take those times and learn from them and soar. So, my advice is do the best you can with the knowledge you have. Make sure they are happy, well adjusted and hope for the best. Its really all one can do. And as far as the resentment goes, its a hard road to live. Once I gave up on that resentment my life was a happier place. I hope this made sense.

This is a little tangential to your post, but I think it sums up how I feel about this.

My mom got married at 20. When she was in her 40's, I remember asking her, "wow, what did you do when you realized that you'd been married as long as you were ever single?" She thought for a second and said, "I stopped blaming my parents for everything. I'd had as long to fix it as they had to mess it up."

Your relationship with your daughter is just that, a relationship. You shape each other, and you also create your own selves. I think the most important thing is to do your best with both yourself and your daughter, and wing the rest. Good luck.

Yes, parents have a big influence of who we become but not 100%.
What we become it also depend in all other people around us, experiences in life, our own personality,etc. That is why 2 brothers can be totally different even if they both have same parents.
Also not always good parents=good kids as well not always bad parents=bad kids. Example: A kid growing in a house where parents were alcoholic could grow an alcoholic because that is what he saw all his life or can grow hating alcohol and never want nothing to do with it.
As a parents we should give our kids the foundations and teach them how to finish building their lifes on there own.
If we do that their life will be easer, but if we make mistakes doesn't always mean that they future will fall apart, they will just have to work harder.
I think wat you are feeling is a very common feeling, most parents wonder how much are we affecting or aporting to our kids future.
I also think that our generation is involve in a different way with our kids (somethings for good others for no so good), I know that my mother is a better mother then her mom was to her (I think my grandma was better mom then her own was with her also) I like to believe that because of that I have become a better mom to my daughters and I will be happy if they become better moms then me.
We are not perfect but if we could only leave this word a little better then how we found it is good enough.
Love your child, use your parents mistakes in you and your kids favor and hope they will use your mistakes in their and their kids favor.

I know exactly how you feel. Just turn those feelings into forgiveness towards your parents for the mistakes they made, and try to forgive yourself for your shortcomings as a parent.

That's how I am trying to handle it, because it is true that we are all responsible for our own actions. Our parents raised us and shaped us and now you are probably wondering if they had been better parents to you, you would be a better mom to your kids. Try not to think about it too much and go eat a cookie.: )

Just read through your "so what happened." I am saying this to help - you are not more doomed than others. You seem to be caught up in thinking that most people had better parents than you. This is not healthy thinking. It sounds like a bit of depression going on here. Try and focus on your life now and the positives. Stop thinking that anyone else has an easier life than you. Everyone has crappy stuff that really hurts, but it is all just different stuff for each one of us and if you feel sorry for yourself over things you had no control over (ie. your upbringing) you will continue to be depressed. I know you can take control of your thoughts. If I can do it, you can too. I know where you are coming from. You are going to be okay; )

this isn't exactly what you were asking but i really like a book called Mothering Styles based on the Meyers briggs personality inventory. What i liked about it was that the author showed the good and the potentially not so good of all the 16 i think different personality types.
For example i know that i need time to think about decisions in regards to giving my kids permission to do something, So i have to tell them I'll let them know by bedtime if they can blow their allowance at Chucky Cheese. Other moms might be able to think quickly and decided yes or now and give a reason for it. And just because it takes me longer doen't make me a bad mom, just a different one, it's better i take my time than change it because i was rushed. Maybe if you check into this book you could see how you lean inately and what things you need to watch out for when interacting with your daughter. And in regards to your parents too, you might see a little bit about why they did what they did.

You seem like such an intelligent caring independant person, maybe there was a cosmic reason you had to parent yourself and maybe that is why you'll be a great parent now.

Some things can be blamed on parents, some can't. My mother never really taught me about finances, or paying bills or credit, so now i am terrible with money!!!! when i met my current boyfriend and i saw that we were really getting serious i had to let him know this. my mother always paid for everything or put everything in her name for me so now i don't even care about my finances( i like money and know how to pay bills but...) anywho. as we grow into adults we have to realize what is wrong and what is right. you have already realized some mistakes your parents made and don't want to repeat them so i would say that you are on the right path. but i know some people whose parents instilled in them all the right things and they are the devils spawn. you can't always base what people do on their parents training because they may have been taught different and chose to take another path. now when you know for a fact that someone;s parents taught them wrong or did bad things in front of them and now they are still doing those same things then yes that can be blamed on the parents. so i think you have to try and "judge" each person as they come, iguess. good luck

I think that how we are raised does play a part of how we turn out, but ultimately it is our own personality and choices that make us who we are, Are there things I want to do differently from my parents, of course. My folks did they best they could. Sometimes I still get angry for some of the things they did, but then I make the choice on how I deal with it. I can blame them or move on and try to learn from the mistakes. It is human to want better for our kids I am sure our parents raised us differently than they were. We take the good lessons and the bad and apply it to our lives. I believe we get wrapped up in worrying that everything we do is going to mess up our kids. Heck I joke that we need to start a savings fund for our daughters collage and her therapist. All we can do for our kids is our best and love them. We will make mistakes as parents, but hopefully we will do right things too. Like us our kids will turn out to be who they are due to things they learned or didn't learn from their parents, events and people they meet and how they choose to handle and view life due to personality. No one is perfect. I hope I didn't ramble too bad. Best of wishes to you.

you do have responsibility as to how your daughter's character is molded, but ultimately she will take the responsibility from you and move forward as a young woman. you have some say, but you're not so important that it's all yours<G>.
all of us tell our own life stories to ourselves. you're in the process of rewriting your script. i could certainly tell my childhood as a nightmare, but i choose not to. in so many ways i had an enchanted childhood, and that's the genre i've chosen for my life.
the story you tell as a mother may not be the same story your daughter feels she's living. you can't control that. but you can create the best life story you are capable of today.
khairete
S.

Totally understand where you are coming from. I think your prior way of thinking is a coping mech, where we're almost convincing ourselves that our lives are solely our responsibility and everything we do is our fault...I can't say however that it is our parents 'fault' especially when they have done the best with what they knew then. I'm sure they would do things differently now. Things are spoken about now that when we were kids weren't even whispered. Relationships have no boundaries and thats where you need to be careful. Though you want to be close and open (perhaps) with your children in hopes of a better upbringing, be careful what you hope for. As a parent I dont think you should blame yourself either for the choices your children make...its a difficult situtation. I'm thinking of specific instances where outcomes in my life would have been completely different had my mother not been the way she was and once blamed her inside...Good luck with your daughter, dont put so much pressure on yourself.

You should feel responsible, as a parent, we all feel responsible for how our kids turn out. But guess what, you were right before, the choices you made in life were yours and the mistakes, yours. We are all human, we all only do the best we can. part of doing the best we can though, and being the best parent we can be, is allowing our children to learn from our mistakes, rather than make the same mistakes themselves. So really your parents did pretty well, you know where you think they fell short and won't fall short in those same ways, and hopefully that cycle repeats and each generation is better than the last.

I think that the Bible makes it very clear that we will reap what we sow. And that we are told to judge not unless we be judged. There are so many verses with similar themes. The more you blame your parents, the more your children will blame you. Most people do blame their parents and that's just life. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle anyway.

I tell my kids and my daycare kids that 2 people can be absolutely wrong in a situation. Your parents may be absolutely wrong in some things they did or failed to do. If you are still looking for someone to blame after all this time for mistakes you made, it's time for you to realize that you are absolutely wrong in whatever it was you did.

Take my daughter for example. She got pregnant and had a baby out of wedlock. I did too and my mother and my grandmother and who the heck knows about the grandmothers before that. I tried to break the cycle with my girls. But so far all my girls are sleeping with their boyfriends and I don't like it. Is it my fault even though I tried to raise them to wait until marriage? I don't really think it is. It is THEIR decision. But did we always give them every single ounce of good modeling they could have gotten no. Was our family perfect? no.

Recently my unmarried daughter suffered a miscarriage. This would have been her 2nd child out of wedlock. Has she learned yet? GEEEEZ I certainly hope so. I love her and I am head over heals in love with my grandson. But guess what. Get pregnant once outside of marriage....tsk tsk...it's okay, move on. Do it again! YIKES....what the hell are you thinking?! If she brings that stigma onto herself then so be it. Is it still my fault? Like hell it is. Does it even matter?

Blaming other people is a crime that we all participate in and it takes the heat off of ourselves for about 2 seconds. The responsibility to fix our lives still comes back and rests in our laps.

I'm dealing with an adult mom in my daycare right now. I took great interest in her because she's trying to get out of an abusive relationship. I offered a really great price for daycare. I've never charged her overtime. I've been flexible, bathed her baby which is beyond the scope of what I even do in my daycare. Kept her children extra so she can catch up on sleep. I've provided formula and diapers when she's out. I EVEN went to her apartment and steam cleaned the carpets with a machine that I rented and paid for. I did all that so that I could help her during her difficult transition into the big girl world of taking care of her children by herself. Now all the sudden she is constantly harping at me that I am not doing it right or enough. If her son has a potty accident, I'm not taking care of him right. If I ask her if she's picking her child up before X time she's mad because she paid me for 5 nights and the father took the children one of those nights so I automatically owe her complete silence and should let her come and go as she pleases. She is CONVINCED that I have somehow talked down to her or mistreated her. She is suffering from a victim mentality and has become quite accustom to believing other people are mistreating her. She even wanted to quit on the spot AFTER the first night of this week and wanted a return of her money! UMM... She's not even paying for all her daycare right now because she's in a program to help her get on her feet and they are paying her 60% of her daycare. If she wants to leave she's gonna have to find someone and leave next week. The only thing wrong with this lady is that I've told her on a few occasions that it's time to grow up and stop complaining. She complains compulsively about all the people in her life that are trying so hard to help her stand on her own two feet.

Is that the kind of person you want to be? Your reasons for blaming your parents are irrelavent. It's your thinking that's a problem and apparently you knew that before you asked the question. But I think it's a very insightful question and important for people to look at it.

I am a little late on this, but wanted to chime in anyway. It is easy to look BACK on a situation and be absolutely determined that "if I had done/said this" then "THIS would/would not have happened". Life isn't linear and you can't blame your past for all the decisions you make in the future.

I jokingly "blame" my parents for screwing me up. They practiced and taught very traditional man/woman roles but really reinforced the fact that I could do and be anything. I've had more than one man in my life tell me that I "don't need him" because I can install a dishwasher or can competently use power tools. I am a "get it done" sort of woman.

My parents also instilled a strong sense of self...should I hate them now because I can't loathe my fatness enough to deprive myself of the pleasures of good cooking?

Embrace your "mistakes". No one has a perfect childhood (our parents included). Is it really fair to hold your parents responsible when they are also just products of their environment?

To be honest, I really think you need to find a therapist/counselor. I've seen one a couple of times in my life and it can help you find perspective...something I feel you've lost.

Humm. . . .

First I guess, our parents, or at least MY parents, did the best they could with the information and the experience they had at the time.

Instead of putting such a negative spin on things "do you blame your parents?", "my parents dropped the ball with me," "if they would have been better parents. . ."
Why don't you look at the things your parents did do right?
Sure my parents made mistakes. We all do, none of us are perfect. But my parents instilled a moral code and integrity that I haven't lost. I learned a good work ethic. I learned to love and appreciate my friends and family for ALL they have to offer, just not the good things!

I would worry about what your daughter will blame on you because you've already set the pattern and the expectation of blaming others. The will learn what they live.

Well I am not sure exactly what your blaming your parents for. No I don't blame my parents for anything. I did have problems with school due to a learning disablility but I never blamed them. Actually they were always incredible supportive loving parents that practiced incredible common sense.

Life is a learning experience. How great that you have learned some lessons from the mistakes your parents made with you. Many of us don't feel resentful, but surely almost everyone has a few things that they feel they would do differently with their children.
Every parent makes mistakes, so will you. Don't worry too much about and hope that they will be lessons your child will learn from and not repeat with her kids.
We are all just human... most of us try their best. That is all we can do and hope that our kids turn out alright.
Good luck!

You are responsible to a point. Once she is an adult and makes her own choices, those choices aren't your fault anymore. (in my opinion)
If someone is an adult, time to stop blaming the parents. At a certain age, people can choose to change. Parents can make life very hard (sometimes hell) for kids, but once someone has the ability to choose, the excuses have to go. (I know, it's not a long, very painful road for people to change. BUT, to stay on a wrong path is a choice.) I'm not saying, that some things aren't a direct result of bad parenting. We can be damaged from bad parenting, but at a point we can get help, too. We CAN be different from our parents and it can take a ton of work. It is doable, though.
However, only the person affected can choose to not be haunted by it

Personally, if I screw up, it's my fault. My parents are not responsible for what I do now. There is no such thing as a perfect parent--though there are quite of few out there that think they are. : ) We all make mistakes and hopefully take from that and learn what we did wrong, and teach our child why it is wrong.
Honestly, the parent that knows the child is skipping school and does nothing to stop it, or knows the child is out late or doing something else that is just plain wrong. That child grows up not knowing and making mistakes. The parental influence is at fault.
But teach your child the best you can, stress the important things in life-at least according to your family values since not everyone sees things the same way, and encourage her to learn from her mistakes. To me, that makes a good parent.

I am a SAHM to a 3yr old and a 21 mo old, both girls, with a baby boy due in sept. I tell myself everyday that I'm sure as they grow up everything that is "wrong" with them will be blamed on me. But my answer to that is , GREAT! Then they will know that I was the one taking care of them and spending time with them throughout their whole life! Bring it on!!!
Don't worry about making mistakes and blame. No one is perfect, no one had perfect parents. I always told my husband you can blame anything on anybody, but as we become adults we have to take responsability for our own actions and decisions in life. Don't stress! Love your daughter and just do the best you can! I'm sure you are a great mom!

Nope. I don't blame my parents one bit. In fact, I rather "revel" in their mistakes. The taught me to think, learn, grow, question, be adamant, know my own mind... the list goes on.

Did they shape me? Absolutely. And my personality reacted to the way they parented in a completely different way than some of my sibs, and the same way in others. They were actually the *perfect* parents for one of my sibs in the traditional sense :) Although, quite honestly, warts & all, they were perfect for me, too.

They helped shape who I AM. And I rather like who I am. I like that I swore I'd never do ______ to my kids. In some cases, I've kept my word completely... in others, well, no one can eat cake ALL the time ;)

My parents did the best they could with what they had. Did they read books? Nope. Did they x, y, z? Nope. Was it available? Yup. But they did as their hearts and minds dictated, and for that, I'm grateful.

EVERYONE makes mistakes, and the mistakes are all different. NOTHING works for everyone, so a mistake for one child is the exact opposite of a mistake for another.

We all learn, we all grow. It's all about choices. I'm making different choices than my parents in many respects BECAUSE they made the choices that they did... I already saw them field tested! In others, I'm making the same choices.

Should a parent be held responsible for how a child turns out? Lord only knows. Should the abusive parent get an award for their stellar child who overcame them? Should an amazing parent be jailed along with one of their children who commits a crime? We influence each other... and at a certain age we CHOOSE what influences us. Free will, and all that.

My parents loved me, which is more than many can say. I'll take it. Regardless of anything else.

As people we shape those in our lives. But they are responsible, WE are responsible for what we do with those lives. You have no control over how your child "turns out". You just do you best, love them, and cross your fingers. Their lives, and our lives, are our own to live as we see fit.

We all makes mistakes, parents included. Some much worse than others. Do your best, get counseling help so you don't beat yourself up too much about it... and you will do just fine. We all learn from our mistakes and our parents. Trying to avoid them ALL is impossible. Just focus on what you want to instill in your daughter and she will be just fine... and so will you!

I have no idea to what extent you feel your parents "dropped the ball" with your upbringing, but it seems to me that overall, you think they did a good job with a majority of decisions they made for you. As a parent now, I'm sure you can understand that even with good intentions and dilegence, we do all make mistakes. You should understand that your parents probably did the best THEY knew how to do based on their own upbringing, which was provided by the upbringing they received from the generation before them. Everyone wants better for their children, but asigning blame accomplishes negative feelings only. I'm sure that hindsight bieng what it is, they'd possibly agree and do some things differently if they could turn back time. You ARE responsible for setting her foundation and perceptions of the world. It is this foundation, however, that will help her determine how she turns out... and that includes letting her know that if you make mistakes, it is with no malice, and on the contrary, with the best intentions for what you know where you are in your life right now. Remember that as she grows into a young lady there will be other influences in her life as well.
Put these thought to rest. Appreciate the good qualities your parents instilled in you and in turn give them to your daughter.

I'm sorry - but you are worrying too much. Just do the best that you can do - that is all that any parent can do. Try to be a good example, love your child and her needs at the center of what you do and if you believe then pray.

Once your child becomes an adult, then she is responsible for her own decisions. Until then, all you can do is your best. We are each given free will - so you are NOT responsible for how your daughter turns out. You are only responsible for doing your best (and following the law).

C.