How Is It That We Are So Judgmental as a Society and Yet, Our Morals Are Loose?

When people are rude, Miss Manners has a perfect answer. You look them straight in the eye and say in a horrified tone, "Why on EARTH would you ask/say that?" Shuts most people up immediately, and lets them know they crossed the line.

I would tell them FIRMLY with quite a mean look in my eye that they need to mind their OWN business! You may also want to add that they may want to watch themselves because it never fails - people who want to act like their kids are so good and perfect and that they're such wonderful parents always get paid back in some way!

Kristy V. is dead on. God would not want you to put these people in their place. That is not what Christ would want from a follower. Our children sometimes do the direct opposite of what we tell them to do, despite our years of experience and wisdom. The people who are gossiping about you and, just as bad, judging to your face, are behaving VERY poorly. Please don't sink to their level. Just smile and say, "Yes, she has made some choices that she has to live with. Please keep her in your prayers."
One comment that is difficult to address, though. As we go through teaching our kids about sex and the big commitments that come along with it, some parents forget that not all kids will follow our teachings. Consider arming your girls with information about birth control, even if you don't agree with their choices. Once a girl has a baby out of wedlock, she is much more likely to have another soon after.
As far as the baby's father, make sure that he is served papers and expected to pay child support. Even if he wants to ignore the baby, he is still responsible for him and your daughter needs all the assistance she can get.
Good luck to all of you and keep good heart!

People like to feel superior. I'm sure the people who make such comments to you have their own skeletons in their closets - perhaps they aren't as easy to see, but they're there. No one is perfect. Loving and supporting your daughters through their own decisions (and mistakes) is your job as a mother, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck.

I am sorry poeple are being so judgemental of you and your family. The truth is we do the best we can as parents but our children are iundividuals and will make their own choices and decisions. As long as you feel you have done your best and provided them with the best life skills and tools that you could, that is all that matters. That whole saying about those who throw stones applies here. I would simply tell poeple to mind their own business unless they would like their lives judged by others as well. You can only do so much with the life you are given and please dont let stupid and ignorant people bring you down. Sounds like you care about for family a lot which in my eyes speaks volumes about who you are as a mother. ((HUGS))

Look it's tough being a mom and no one likes to feel judged especially when you are doing everything you can. I don't think it's your fault that your daughter is pregnant, but I will say this and I hope it comes across the right way. I worked in a school with K to 8th graders and it was in a community where many, many families taught only abstinence. Those girls (and we're talking 4-8th grade girls, b/c we had a 4th grader get pregnant) had no clue what sex really was and how you could really get pregnant. I think this is the bigger issue with teaching only abstinence...young girls don't know the basics of biology and can't defend themselves against pregnancy b/c they don't know how their bodies work. You and others may disagree but I've talked to these girls and worked with them day in and day out and they have no clue b/c no one teaches them, they are just told 'don't do it' and I'm sorry but that just isn't reality, as you said yourself, most people do not wait until marriage, right or wrong.

I realize this doesn't specifically adress your question, however, I feel that in order to deal with the other side, these judgemental people as you call them, you have to know where they're coming from and this is it. Things happen, and you have lived your life not judging the people that came through your daycare, but have you ever wished for htem to have a better life or have made different choices. I would bet you have and I think that people may be feeling that way about your daughter. Teen mothering is a difficult job and probably more difficult at her age than most others. Is it your fault, no, but that doesn't mean she didn't make poor choices along the way. I hope with your youngest daughter you teach her how to take care of herself if she chooses to have sex. It may not be what you want, what you advocate or what you support, but it may happen and it is better for her to be safe than sorry.

We all have our own ways of doing things. Freedom to have different beliefs is what makes our country so wonderful. I would suggest you do your best to ignore those that would judge you, and don't judge them in return. Not an easy task, of course.

Maybe you made mistakes, maybe you didn't. None of us and all of us is perfect as we are.

I think keeping communication open, keeping your heart open, and just being a little open to at least listen and consider others is a good idea. Starting with your children. Give what you can to others. They may or may not be able to give that back to you. I'm trying to tell you not to get into it with those that would cast stones. I doubt you want a throwing match.

Petty, ignorant people *need* to believe that "It could never happen to THEM because ________." (fill in whatever it is that they do or do not do that magically keeps them safe) LOL... now most of us do it from time to time, but we don't actually need to do it... it's more of a "forehead slap" moment. The : Ugh! That one's going to come back to bite me. Judgement may be natural... but it's one of those things that as loving, caring people we need to put in check. Just like a toddler needs to learn not to hit when they're angry.

Warnings ABOUND about this: He who is without...cast the first stone. Judge not lest ye be judged. There, but for the grace of god, go I. Hundreds of warnings against narrow, self serving thoughts and behaviors. They go on and on and on.

Most often these types of people amuse or sadden me depending on my mood. For when you mock other's paths... not only does your own tend to get rockier, and not only does it keep you from learning from a situation, but it is also a missed opportunity for true compassion and hope. (Note: compassion is never, ever, condescension).

I absolutely love my 99 year old grandmother's way of dealing with these people. She either pats them on the arm while smiling and says "Stones, dearie... stones"... or pipes up all brightly and says "Don't forget that one in confessional tomorrow!"

Remember Job's friends! They were pointing fingers at him and he was a righteous man.

None of us are perfect parents but God gave us the children we have because we were supposed to raise them. EVERYONE has secret sins and everyone has failing. Don't worry about putting them in their place. They won't listen. Simply pray over your daughters and grandkids. Everything, good or bad, that God gives us is to drive us to our knees. He loves hearing the petitions of His saints.

M.

You are being very hypocritical and judgmental yourself.

And you are right, marriage didn't become a sacrament until the 12th century, so in many ways, having kids in wedlock is still kind of a new idea.

If it was me, I'd just ignore them and change the topic. Or say "you don't know what you are talking about."

You are not to blame for your daughters for having pre marital sex. I have a 21 year old daughter who I taught to wait for marriage and she has, but that has been her decsion, and yes her up bringing did have somthing to do with it. All the things you have see in your home daycare i to have seen, some of the worst morals ever, and you are right it is sad. Don't worry about the people who are judging you, are your daughters good moms? are they taking responsibility for their actions, theres more to look at than just the fact your daughters may have had baby's outside of marriage. The real problem with sexual immorality is so many people young and older don't look at what God has to say about it or worse yet don't care. and purity and high morals and values seem old fashion. Even parents who raise their children in church, and set an example of high morals and values sometimes choose immorality over morals and values. One mom said having the freedom to your own beliefs is what makes this country beautiful, she has no clue. Ore country was founded on God and the morals and values he teaches, those life styles are what makes our Country beautiful, not having our own beliefs. Sorry I got off track. But be there for your girls, continue to teach them well, and if they make wrong choices you will know in your heart you did good. J.

Turning a blind eye and a deaf ear is the best way to go. People who are judgemental, yet have loose morals, do so because they are in pain and feel better about themeselves by stating publically that others are worse than them, by comparison of course.....

we all feel it, its our ego.

but only the truly non compassionate and unempathetic cretin would voice it, especially to you.

You are a mom who did the best she could. I dare you to ask any parent if they feel like they are doing their job 100% perfect- no parent on this planet could answer yes honestly.

I would quote miss manners, and if it's a church friend perhaps mention something about throwing stones, and that only God has the right to judge you.

You have had good responses to think about.

These people that make these terrible comments are not people that really care about you. I know I would never think or say anything like this to anyone, because I do not know how my own family will turn out. Good friends will support each other no matter what.

Did you do your best? Are you the best person you can be? That is all you can control in life. If you do your best /be your best, you will not have regrets. That is the only control we have.

I am concerned about "My grandson's biological seed donor doesn't seem to care that he even exists and I've seen a LOT of that among the families I provide care for." This gentleman should always be referenced as "my grandsons father"... He will always be this boys father. Even if he is the worst person on earth, you need to give your grandson his father in your mind and heart. Try to give this person some respect. That is what you are searching for, give it to others and I bet you will receive it back.

I am sending you peace and clarity.

People in glass houses should not throw stones. That what I would say with a smile.

I wouldn't engage with them at all. A person who makes you feel bad for any choice you have made (and certainly ones you can't change now) does not deserve your time. They aren't a friend, a friend would not do that. Maybe they're family, but in that case they should support you.

If someone says something rude, you could reply with "what makes you say such a rude and hurtful thing?" I think that calls them right out on what they are trying to do. They have no answer for what they are doing. It's rude and hurtful and uncalled for. If they continue with "well, I'm just pointing out that you're a bad mom...blah blah blah" you could say "I wish you wouldn't make personal remarks without having been in my situation." And then walk away.

I've found that when people are rude, I don't need to engage in what they are saying, I just need to point out that they are being hurtful or nosy. I've never had a person continue on with their remarks (besides, defending yourself just makes them attack more) usually they pause thoughtfully and either apologize then or apologize later.

I think we ALL make mistakes, no matter how carefully and perfectly we are raised. The best test of how we are raised is in how we handle the situations we get ourselves into. I'm sure your daughter is handling her situation with grace, with a wonderful mom like you at her side.

That is a tough one because its easy to judge when we see an unwed mother, but im not sure i would blame her paretns. You can either tell people that you have done your best and she chose her own way and will make her own mistakes, or you can just ignore them since its none of their business. Im sure thats hard to do. You are in a tough spot. Pray about it and do what you feel led to do. Good luck.

I have a friend who is an elder in her church and raised all four of her kids in the church. She herself was a virgin till she married at 28. Her 16 year old has a 1 year old and she just found out that her 14 year old is preggers, yes 14!! So many people are judging her and telling her you are not a good mom, how can you be an elder and your kids are so sinful. Mind you these families have unmarried pregnancies but they hold my friend up to a higher standard. She tells them I taught my kids right from wrong. I also taught them they have free will and to make their own decisions. She also told them you can not judge me for there is only ONE who I answer to and who will love me and my children. Sorry the father of your grandson is horrible but like you said at least he provides for his child. Turn the other cheek.

Perhaps some of these people have been envious of you through the years - and maybe they felt guilty for how they were raising their kids (while you were there for yours).

If that's the case it's almost irresistable for these parents to point the finger at you and say "see - it didn't make any difference that she was there to teach her children 'values.'"

People that do that sort of thing completely miss the point. You just have to let it go.

Best of luck to your daughter and your family - God bless you all.

Suzi, all you can do is let them marinate in their own judgement and hate. Those people who judge you and your family will have to answer for their own actions. If they are so worried about the moral state of your family, think of the misery in their own lives they are trying to avoid.

People will always be ugly in their judgements and pride themselves on "getting it right". When someone speaks unkindly to you just speak out the truth......that God has great love, mercy, compassion and grace for your daughters (and you, as you are not responsible for your grown children's choices) and that you wish *that person* would have the same goal.

Now.......as for YOU. You seem like a wonderful mama and grandma to be so loving and supportive of your daughters......no matter if they make choices that you don't agree with. I think that is beautiful!