Need Advice on Doing the Right Thing

I suggest you try Al-Anon to find your own answer.
Warm Regards,
M.

T.,

I understand your confusion. I haven't spoke to my mom in over 7 years. I have made efforts throughout my life to see if she has changed and the answer has always been no. You shouldn't feel guilty. Unfortunately, we still do. You made an effort. But you have to protect your child.
As far as the grandparents, I wonder why they withhold info from you. Are they in denial themselves and just want to see things through rose colored glasses or do they not find that kind of behavior wrong? No matter what the answer, that is not healthy for your child. If they refuse to provide a safe environment for your child there really isn't anything you can make them do. My only suggestion is to abstain from them. It isn't the best answer nor the one you probably want to hear. But, I look at my own situation like this. Do I want my children to have that harmful influence? Do I want my children growing up thinking that that behavior is acceptable? My answer is no so I abstain.

T.,
You are doing the right thing. I am so sorry for your loss. But your daughter is the most important person and keeping her safed and loved is your most important job.
What you have done is admirable, and you should be applauded for putting your daughter's wellbeing above everything else. I am very proud of you!

My sister is an alcoholic and while she was seeking treatment - I made every effort to drive my son down there to see her (3 hr r/t), but when she dropped out, he is off-limits. I still love her and I will do anything to help her, but she cannot be alone with my son - something I made clear from the very beginning.

Hi T. -

You have a lot going on and dealing with the death of a parent brings on emotions you never realized you had. At the end of the day, it is our job as parents to PROTECT our children. Now, whether you feel your mom did that or not is an issue for you to work/pray through. But the chapter with your mother has ended. And now, it's your daughter's turn. She needs your protection and guidance. You know in your heart the kind of environment and people you want your daughter to be exposed to. It's not always easy to remove your emotions from decisions, but as a parent, I feel it is essential. Otherwise, we would be making decisions based on what makes us FEEL BETTER not on what is best for our children. Continue to be thankful that god has blessed your eyes and your mind to see the difference. REMEMBER, HE got you out of that mess and he will keep you and your daughter out of it. Good luck and god bless.

I would probably do the same thing. I would not want my child around a situation where he might be in any danger or the people are not responsible. I would probably have let my mother see her grandchild but it's hard to say without being in that situation. I understand why you did what you did. I wouldn't have any regrets you felt that keeping your child away from your family is for her own good and protection.

Oh T., You are absolutely doing the right thing... you have to protect your child...

My family is also disfunctional in it's own way... My sister and I moved our families to another state in order to keep our distance. We speak occassionally to an aunt - but we don't get involved in the "back and forth" that often goes on - you know what I mean.... We don't allow ourselves to feel guilty for keeping our distance... We know we are doing the right thing for our kids... We are breaking the cycle... Just like you are doing for you daughter...

Be strong, trust your instincts.... make a better life for your family. Good luck

My heart really goes out to you, you have really revealed yourself and made yourself transparent and that is a great sign that you are being wise. I think you are justified in how you have handled things. I can feel for you as I wasn't always brought up in the best environment myself, I distanced myself from those things as well and it is also true that it is easy to fall into the same trap. Been there, done that. Best thing you can do for your family is pray for them at a distance and keep your child safe as you can. Don't expose her to environments that can damage her innocent little soul. You love her very much and that is very evident.

First of all...CONGRATULATIONS ON CHANGING YOUR LIFE...THAT IS WONDERFUL! You have been through alot and God has given you the strength to get through it all. You are absolutely doing the right thing, your child does not need to be raised in that kind of environment and you should not feel guilty at all. Your family has made their decisions and their priority is not family and you should not feel guilty about your choice. Hopefully they will come around one day and if not it is their loss and they will be judged for their actions later.

Dear T. -

You go girl! I think you are doing right by your daughter who deserves to have a chance at a good life. You do whatever it takes to protect your child, and yourself. Your grandparents failed somewhere in the rearing of their children if they all ended up as drug addicts, so I would not listen to their advice when it comes to what is best for you and your child. You should be proud of yourself for having survived your upbringing, and being so mature at such a young age. Best of luck!

R.

T.,

May God bless you every day. You are following your instincts and doing what is right for your daughter. You have persevered through the toughest things anyone could ever deal with....family ups and downs. It is always hard to feel that your own family would do things like this to you (but others of us know exactly what you have been through).

You just follow your heart and your instincts where your daughter is concerned. Love her and give her all of your love. Do not ever have doubts about keeping her from her family; if they truly wanted what was best for her, they would get clean of drugs and stay clean. But people on drugs don't fully understand right from wrong; they only know what it takes to get the next fix (can you tell I've been through this with a close family member of my own).

Best wishes. Cherish your daughter. She is only young once.

C.

Nobody has A right to say you did or did'nt do the right thing.
You did what you thought was best for your daughter.
So don't beat yourself up about it. Take A deep breath and let
it go.Get on with your life raise that daughter the best you
can.when your daughter asks about her grandmother just try to
talk about some good things.

I know exactally how you feel. I had a terrible relationship with my mother, who beat me continuously and threw me out when I got pregnant. I tried to make things right with her, but it ended up bitting me in the butt. She and I are now in a horrible custody battle over my son, whom she never even wanted. If I were you, I would just focus on your husband and your child. Keep all of the negative out. She had her chance.

I think you are doing the right thing. Especially since you used to have a drug problem you should not be around that and you aparently love you daughter so much that you do not want her in that environment either. If you grandparent's really wanted to see your daughter that bad they would respect your wishes and understand that you turned your life around and do not want to be around drug addicts. As for your mother you should not feel guilty she is the one who made the bad choices and did not want to change. You should be proud of yourself not gulity.

While it is very sad that cancer claimed your mother's life, you have a little life you have to shape and form. It's very wise of you to put your daughter first and that you visited your mother occasionally while she was ill but didn't expose your daughter to that. Even if you were close to your mother hospitals and terminally ill family are not something children understand or need to see. In fact a lot of hospitals have visiting restrictions that address small children.

You did the best thing for you and your daughter. Trust is earned, and it doesn't sound as though your mother earned it long enough for you to feel 'safe' to expose your daughter to her. Just don't let guilt be the 'cancer' that eats YOU up on this issue.

Doing the 'right thing' and making the right choices seldom garnishes praise or a pat on the back. You did what your heart told you was best. Don't EVER second guess that as a mother.

I totally agree with what you have done. You have to make the choice that is best for your child and family!

I understand where you are coming from. But there are bad people and there are good people with bad habits. Do not take your daughter into situations that are bad. But if it is a family gathering, holidays, or just a good time that your daughter can know her extended family under your supervision would be good, I think. Blood is thicker than water and after all when you have nobody else, you always have your family. Just dont let your daughter miss out on being a part of your extended family due to hurt or anger that you may still have towards them for things that they did or did not do as you were growing up. You can monitor all situations and times that she spends around them. But I think it is a little sad all the way around.Dont let your daughter know, feel, or hear you be negative..

I can understand how you feel about wanting to protect your child, but feeling guilty about "abandoning" your family. I had to do the same. My child turns 6 next month, and he barely knows anyone in my family. Ever since I became pregnant, I started distancing myself away from them and their destructive behavior. I won't go into detail, but let's just say that my family is very much like the people you'd see on Jerry Springer. They always say that I think I'm better than them and it may be true. But the bottom line is, I want a better life for my son than what I had. I still deal with my family on rare occasions such as holidays but I never leave my child alone with any of them for one moment. We make our visit short and sweet, no accusations or negative comments. Just show up and do the family thing and then leave. But as far as everyday life goes, my family is nowhere to be found. And I'm fine with that. I do get jealous sometimes of others who have a "normal" family and I wish I had that kind of support, especially being a single mom. But when it's all said and done, I want to know that I raised him in the most appropriate manner that I could, and with their influences, that's just not gonna be the case.

T.,

It sounds like you need to go to an Alanon meeting. It is for those of us who have relatives and/or friends that are addicts of any sort-alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. A lot of what your family is doing is what my husband does to me. The guilt trips, etc. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter. She doesn't need to be in that kind of environment, especially if there seems to be no real family life/feeling going on. The Al-Anon meetings are really helpful. I go to a meeting every Tuesday, for the past 5-6 months. I am not the crying, don't know what to do person I was when I started. I have learned to take care of myself for once. You can find a meeting by going to www.ga-al-anon.org. There are meetings going on everyday, at different times. You can't let me them drag you down to their level. You seem to have made a better life for you and your daughter with your husband. And your family may be jealous of you. Anyway, you should try an Al-anon meeting, and try several because they aren't all the same.

I hope this helps!!

Best Regards,
L. R.

T.,
Only you know what is right for your daughter. I have the same problem with my mother, though not with the drugs. My mother was very verbally abusive and mean spirited. I won't let her be alone with my children and don't want her to be in my or my children's lives. My family thinks I am awful. She has them all fooled. She is very manipulative. She had cancer when I was a baby and held that over my head my entire life. My dad says that every little health problem she has is serious. It is emotional blackmail. And it is wrong. Do what you think is best for your daughter. She has to come first always. Your family doesn't have her best interest at heart obviously. Send your mother pictures of her but, keep her away. Hang in there. I know it is rough.
A.

T., It is normal for you to have some feelings for your Mom even though she was the way that she was. Have you ever noticed, maybe with your daughter or others children, if Mom spanks them, what do they do? They reach up for Mom. That is instilled in children from the very beginning. So I think it is normal for you to have some kind of feelings for her, BUT your first concern is that little girl. God gave you that little girl to take are of, she is a gift. You protect her no matter whose feelings it may hurt. Congrats on your husband and your little girl. Now go pick her up and give her a big hug and kiss!

R.
____@____.com

My goodness! What a life you've had! I want to tell you how proud I am of you that you were able to get off drugs! That really took some guts for you to summon enough willpower to do it.
Then you were able to come up pretty normal even though you had a horrible family life. I am in awe of you. You are so courageous.

I've heard experts say it takes 12 years to be truely cleansed from an addiction. That sounds like an awful long time but from my own personal experience, I think they may be right.
It's not just getting off and staying clean, its all about getting yourself back on the right road in life. You have to completely re-learn how to make decisions for yourself and for the loved one who depend on you.
Keep your daughter safe and take care of yourself. YOU are NOT responsible for those other people who have made bad decisions for themselves but you cannot be an enabler either which is what it sounds like your grandparents are.
I am very sorry for your loss. I know there will always be questions in your mind about how you may have handled things differently. Just remember you made the best decision you knew how to make based on your experience with your family.
Hope this late note helps a little.
M.

i think you were just trying to protect your daughter and not wanting her to be around that (drugs and stuff) was being a good mother. you probably felt like you didn't want her falling in the same footsteps. i am also a 24 yr. old mother, wife, and my mom died when i was 16. she was an alcoholic but we loved eachother very much. i think if she was still alive, i would not let my children (5 and 23months) be around her when she was drunk or high. as long as there wasn't another reason behind why you didn't want her around that, that you need to resolve, i believe you were being a caring, loving, protective mother, which sounds like you were trying to be the mother you never had. i think you and your grandparents should talk and overcome everything, so that one day when they die, you will not feel bad about anything. sorry about your mother and good luck.

Hello T.,
I want to first tell you that you are not alone. I have delt with a situation very simular to yours but in some ways worse so i know where you are coming from.You are doing the right thing.My mother is the same way and to be honost with you I have cut her off completely until she can prove she has changed.You had strength to let her come down sometimes While she was still alive.And yes they will call you or come over and make it seem like the whole situation is your fault.But im here to tell you its not.And as much as they gave you guilt trips and stuff you just have to remeber two things.It was not your fault and you did nothing wrong.They did.And also you have a little girl to think of too.And If you ever doubt a situation again ask yourself is this a healthy situation for me AND my daughter to be in.If not dont do it.I hope you find some peace in this situation.
Bless You
C.

This is for all you ladies out there....

A WOMEN'S PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to say NO to requests or demands I can't meet
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FOLLOW MY OWN VALUES AND STANDARDS
I have the right to say NO to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values
I have the right to determine my own priorities
I have the right NOT to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems
I have the right to expect honesty from others
I have the right to be angry at someone I love
I have the right to be UNIQUELY myself
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid"
I have the right to say "I don't know"
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior
I have the right to make decisions based on MY feelings
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time
I have the right to be playful and frivolous
I have the right to be HEALTHIER than those around me
I have the right to be in a NONABUSIVE environment
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people
I have the right to change and grow
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
I have the right to be HAPPY

Please print this and read it regularly.

I am very sorry for your loss...you have a long road of grief and probably trying to make peace with everything. There are many books out there on the subject. Billy Graham has some wonderful books on loss and grief. My favorite is the one about the angels.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD FIRST.....FEEL SYMPATHY,ONLY, FOR THOSE THAT ARE ON DRUGS AND ALCOHOL, IT IS THEIR SPIRITS THAT ARE AT RISK..SO ALL YOU CAN DO FOR THEM IS TO PRAY THAT THEY COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS....REMEMBER WE ARE ONLY A HOUSE FOR OUR SPIRIT, AND OUR GOAL IS TO GET OUR SPIRIT TO HEAVEN, AND THE ANGELS REJOICE EVERYTIME SOMEONE IS SAVED...THAT'S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT....COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN AND ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE, ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OTHERS, BE YOURSELF-IN CONTROL, THINK POSITIVE, AND BE HAPPY.

Please excuse me for being so blunt...but I have been through so much, throuhout my adult life, and don't want you to carry a burden that you shoudn't have to carry. It is all so sad, when there are so many other things in life to have to worry about, and there are people that choose to do drugs and alcohol and make a mess out of their lives, when it is so easy to do the right thing. I just can't figure it out. They are making these choices for themselves. I always told my son (who is grown now) that it is easy to do the right thing, and it takes effort to do the wrong thing. I think it is finally sinking in.
I love to express myself through art, journal writing, and poetry. Maybe you should begin a prayer journal or just write what is on your mind and date your pages. It is amazing how you look back and see what was bothering or hurting you, that has passed, and how your prayers have been (or haven't been) answered. For whatever reason a prayer isn't answered just makes you reflect and wonder about God's plan. Maybe it just isn't part of HIS plan at that time, but maybe for later.
It is very healing to express yourself this way because, for one it is positive, and another it just makes you feel better. Also, there is a website called FIND A GRAVE that you can express yourself. My Dad is buried in Texas and I live in Georgia and can't visit his grave and take flowers, so I go into this website (as do my siblings) and go to my Dad's "grave" and give him a picture of a flower and write whatever I want to say to him. It is very touching and may also be a way for healing for you towards your mother.

Mom Again-L.

T.,

WOW ! I read this thread when you first posted and thought I would come back to it later, as it hit me hard !!

First let me say ! YOU are wonderful person. You have a reason on this earth and you will endure and survive! The road is long and painful you are having your share of it!

We are all very proud of you for your accomplishments and your beautiful child!

When I read back over this today, I have words that my dad told me I would like to share with you.

" Life is wonderful, it's just the people in it that can cause issues. Make of it what works for you not them!"

I had a situation that eventually led to complete estrangement of my relationship with my mother when my daughter was 10 yrs old. She is now 17. I chose to cut the ties on my own but let it be known that my mom was welcome to visit with and see my daughter. My mom chose not to. Her loss for sure. My daughter saw her maniputalive ways and selfisnish soon there after by her actions. I have always told my daughter as of the age of 12 or so, feel free to visit with her but I will not be pulling into drama. Basicaly we see her at family functions , birthdays etc. We are both cordial and I am confortable with that. She is cordial with my daughter but I sense guarded. This suits me fine because she knows she will not cause drama in this family as in the past. I was very torn and upset for a long, long time before I was able to work thru it and detach. IT was soooo hard., but it was best for me. IF we are meant to reconcile, it will happen -- and will happen when it is meant to be. But I am finished stressin gover it.

Good luck to you and please raise your daughter with honesty and love-- you only have one time to do that !

LHW

Hi T.
It is hard to loose a parent at any age especially when they have been absent during life. You have to work out these feelings I went to a therapist and really had to let go of my past and the bad things to move forward for my children it is their turn now...move on make your own functional family.
You will need to shut that door to move on to a better life style but you have to do it in a healthy way or else it could rear it's ugly head again and you need the tools to deal with it. Good luck and know you are not alone.