D.B.
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Ok ladies - here is the issue and I know I will hear and receive the help from all of you.
Ever since my 2nd child was born November 2006, due to his medical issues and special needs his father and I have stayed together (thus not married). There have been many problems in our relationship including me being the sole monetary earner but he is the stay-at-home dad to care for his son. So role reversal is a big issue #1. My side of the family (being of Asian descent) does not agree with this arrangement and feel that because dad is not working, I am being used. Try to explain that just because he is the man not working to me does not make any difference than when women stayed home and the men worked. But to no avail so they do not support the fact we are in this relationship. Issue #2. Due to money being tight, me feeling overwhelmed from working, coming home and still having to clean house many days even though dad is home and immediately upon my walking into the house, he seems to disappear and I am throw into the mother routine of taking care of our son. So many days I feel angry and stressed and although I try to voice my feelings I am told that I am overreacting and should just stay quiet. My problem is that when I feel nothing is being changed and in my eyes I am starting to be "used", I begin to get more angry and the result is I yell. So in my son's father's eyes this is uncalled for and he steps into my face and tells me to shut up, etc., and sometimes it has gotten physical. Issue #3. Yes I know everyone is thinking while reading I should just leave the situation. The ultimate issue #4 - do I just walk away from Dad with our son NEEDING both his parents to in a sense survive or hope that he can still make it separated from it all?
There are so many side issues also that cannot be stated here without taking up millions of pages so any advice will be taken wisely.
Thanks for reading and responding to me!
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1. Healthy boundaries need to be set with your family and #'s 2. Communication & 3 Counseling and some more counseling. This situation isn't easy and you both need your outlets.
Yes, you need to build some boundaries with your family and with your partner in parenting. And I suggest that changing your expectations, which is a part of boundaries, will help you feel less anger.
I suggest that the two of you need to get counseling so that you can learn to communicate without yelling. It will help tremendously if the two of you could decide together what, specifically, is each of your responsibilities. For example, you're angry because he disappears. Perhaps he disappears because you're angry. It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps you could decide together that he'll stay around for 30 minutes or so and you will not yell or in any way take out your frustrations on him.
It sounds like you're together only for the sake of your son. At the same time you're expecting to relate together as if you were together out of love for each other. I suggest you need to be realistic about what you can expect from such a relationship. I suggest it may help to treat his involvement in an impersonal manner. He's the caretaker while you're at work and you're the caretaker once you get home. Since your interaction with each other is so stressful and anger producing it would be better that you don't try to interact.
Above all you must stop the fighting. This is very unhealthy for your son. Since you're together for him, then be sure the atmosphere is healthy for him. Counseling can help you work thru this very difficult relationship. If he won't go, you go so that you can find ways to be healthy and happy.
sounds to me like ya'll should go to counciling. You may not be married but you are living together like you are. There is nothing wrong wiht him staying home and taking care of the child. But he should not get physical with you. I would not walk away before tryign to do everythign to work it out since you do have a child that needs you both. You many need to sit down with him and tell him hey you are home while I am working please pick up.
Good luck and God Bless!
