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You're in a rough situation, but you're not the first person this has happened to. Would you please give a call to the pro-life pregnancy center near you? If you don't know where it is, send me a private message, and I'll look it up for you. You'll find people who will listen to you, comfort you, and let you know some options you may not have thought about.

Your situation is completely understandable. Many people worry that they won't love the second child as much as the first, but that rarely if ever happens. So you might want to scratch that off your list, which is long enough without it.

However, all the other things you list are very real. Pregnancy at 46 is not unheard of but it's not risk free either. You are not depressed, you say, but you are clearly overworked and under-supported. You are clearly exhausted, and your are hyper-vigilant at every stage, not just for your child's development but for his well-being in this tumultuous marriage with your husband's disorder.

Your mother cannot be your only source of support due to her age - and what if she develops problems? Your husband's situation has been a matter of concern for a long time. You already have a special needs child to takes so much out of you that you cannot even get a shower more than once a week? And you are worried about more mental health as well as physical health issues in another child of an older mother.

I support you in any decision you make. It is your body, there is no "perfect family size" and don't let anyone tell you that considering your options is wrong. I have a single child, and I never refer to him as an "only" child because there are no children "missing" from our family.

I worked in women's health for many years and counseled many many women trying to decide about continuing a pregnancy. No matter what anyone says, it's hardly ever easy to terminate a pregnancy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done with a clear conscience and a whole heart. You just have to be sure - just as you really have to be sure if you carry a pregnancy to term. Unlike many women, you are looking at motherhood with open eyes - you see the benefits but you also see the strains and stresses.

I think, honestly, that you need to be able to talk with someone about this, someone who is objective and is on your side. Please call your primary care or gyn physician and ask for a referral to a counselor who accepts your insurance. See if your mother can watch your child for an hour here and there while you go, guilt-free, to talk to someone who only has your best interests in mind. Stretch it to 90 minutes so you can get a shower. It's not just about this pregnancy, but about your entire life situation. You need an advocate and you need a place to bounce some thoughts around without being criticized.

I hope no one gives you the "pro-life" argument - this is YOUR decision and not someone else's. It does not matter what some other people believe. There are far more of us who support a woman's choice and know that it's never as clear cut in someone's life as it seems from outside. Whatever you decide, it has to be informed and based on your circumstances. And I will support you 100%.

If you really don't want this baby, then don't have it. Honestly, if I were in your situation, with all the challenges you already have, I would abort, no question.

In fact, when faced with a second pregnancy at 30, while a student, taking meds that were known teratogens and without which I could not function, with a laid-off partner, and a toddler that I almost died giving birth to (and she almost died being born), I chose to abort. I have ZERO regrets about my decision.

My only suggestion would be to talk to someone objective and caring (so please avoid the pro-life pregnancy center).

I wish you courage and strength in whatever you decide to do.

I can tell you that at my stage in life - 2 kids, and I am DONE - I would NOT have another baby.
100%, non negotiable...no more, and no pregnancy. I would terminate. And I would not think twice.

That is where I am and what I know about myself.
and I wanted to tell you that, just in case you need someone else to make you feel better about your decision if you choose not to move forward.

It is OK.

I'm not encouraging you to end it, or to do that, but a lot of times, we just need to hear from someone else in a similar mindset.

Good luck with whatever choice you make. It will be OK, I promise, either way.

Your body, your choice. Period. You know your own limitations.

(I'm 53 and still fertile. I've thought through the "what-ifs".)

Ok, my situation was very different from yours, I'd imagine, but I felt the same way you do when I found out I was pregnant with my third. I very seriously considering not having that baby.

Absolutely overwhelmed, marriage rough, money tight, stretched thin with 2 boys already, and one a 26 week preemie too.....

Time marched on like it does, and now when I look at my gorgeous brilliant 17 year old daughter who has been a ray of sunshine everyday of her life, it's like getting hit with a brick in the heart to think I almost discarded her.

I don't mean to make you feel guilty, I'm just being honest.

Things work out, ok?

:)

If you are very early, in your situation I would abort. Not saying you should but if you need to hear other women would, here is one. You have a lot of challengers. Only you know how much you can handle. So it is your decision. Best wishes.

If you don't want to have another child, then have an abortion. It is safe, legal and absolutely nothing you should feel horrible about considering. Every single one of your reasons not to have a child is valid. Only you can decide whether you see any upside and are willing to take the risk. I have a single child (planned) whom I had at age 40. I have no question at all in my mind that if I found myself pregnant today, I would abort. Please do what is right for you.

First your age has nothing to do with taking care of a baby. Plenty of women have babies at your age. And even more care for their grandchildren, nieces and nephews because their parents can't care for them.

Figure out what's best for you and do it. If it's having an abortion then go ahead and schedule it. It it's continuing the pregnancy and giving the baby up for adoption then get the ball rolling. Far too many women have babies just because they got pregnant. You have a baby because you are willing and able to take care of a child no matter what happens. If you can't do that then you need to do what's best for you. People that judge you for your choices don't walk in your shoes.

Mamabear. Given your circumstances, I would be scared too. You've demonstrated a lot of strength, resourcefulness and resolve in facing the challenges that are already in front of you. Only you can decide if this pregnancy, and the life it will bring, is the straw that will break the camels back.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Well I am 46 and there is no way in hell I would have another kid but then I have four and my youngest is 13, I am too old to start over. You have a toddler, you have barely began! If I had one toddler damn right I would be over the moon that they would have a sib.

My 15 year old is autism spectrum. Not sure what you are on about with aspergers not showing up till three and nonsense like that. My son is not an aspie but his temper was around since he was a little over a year. He is PDD not aspie because of that temper. If you don't have it now, you won't have it.

Furthermore my youngest is 13, so glad I didn't freak when faced with my third's issues. I always thought my older daughter was strong, the younger one puts her to shame. Wish she was more focused but you can't have everything.

In the end if you terminate you will face a life of what ifs. What if this child was amazing, what if they were friends, what if they were perfect, what if.... You need to think long and hard is that what you want? I can assure you raising one "normal" ish kid after autism is not nearly as hard as what if.

It was hard, it was I suppose a little scary, but my youngest is well worth everything.

Have the baby, get your tubes tied and put the baby up for adoption-a million people would take him. A baby in the house may help your child. Good luck.

I concur with the need for you to find a non-judgmental therapist, one who will not throw religion or their own personal viewpoints in the way of providing you with emotional guidance. I gotta say that my hat is off to you Mamabear. You are one brave chick to be as honest and forthcoming as you are here on this board. To judge you would be unspeakable.

You sound like the centerpointe of your household, and everyone is better off for having you in it. Your little one, your husband, your family. Wow, I wish every family had one just like you.

Please keep us posted as to how things progress.

E.

If you knew your first child was going to have the challenges he has, would you abort him. Probably not, especially now seeing that face and falling in love.

Some of my older aunts and cousins have faced having babies when they thought they were done with that phase of life. Each and every one of them went on to have healthy children even though some of the pregnancies were touch and go at times. The children have grown into amazing adults and the 1 case out of 5 where the child was born with downs is the most incredible human being I know, extremely loving. I wouldn't trade any of these lives for anything. They are precious.

I say all of that to say, many women are more frightened having their second child or their last child than they every were having their first. While it is possible because of your age, that this child will have challenges too but it is also possible to have a healthy and normal child.

As others have so wonderfully pointed out, this is your decision to make and it is. I had an abortion once. It is a decision I still regret and it's been well over 20 years since making that decision. There are so many things people won't tell you about that experience and so many things you will feel about it if you choose that road.

If I could go back in time and change my decision I would have erred on the side of the life for my unborn child but again the choice is yours either way your unborn child will have no choice in the matter about being born or being terminated. It's all on you.

I'll keep you and your situation in my prayers.

You've got a lot on your plate.
You can't be there %100 for your first child when you have your 2nd child.
Child nbr 2 is going to need his/her mother too (regardless of whether they have special needs or not).
Abortion, adoption or getting some help looking after your first and/or second child are your options.
Depending on how much care your first child needs, you are going to have to think of some long term care for him when you get too old to care for him yourself.
I think talking things over with a counselor might help you figure out what you want to do.

Not knowing how PG you are, I'd say you need to make some decisions and quickly. Go see your OB/GYN and have a frank discussion. S/he will help to guide you and discuss all options. But only you can make this decision.

It sounds to me as if you have already made up your mind. You do not want to have this baby. I can understand that with what you are living with already. If you decide you absolutely can not take care of another child, you do have options. And you know what they are.. Abortion or adoption! Either one you will have to live with for the rest of your life.This is something only you can decide. I feel for you.

Either option is hard. But the option of having a baby you do not want is hard too. Not only on you, but on the child/baby.

I think you need to see a counselor and discuss this with them. Maybe your doctor and refer you to one.

Go get the maternity21 test. It's a diagnostic blood test. It should cost you 200. I

I had my second child at 46 by choice and would do it again and I work with many women trying to have a baby in their mid and late forties. Having said that, if you truly do not want to have another child, that is okay too. It is a very personal decision. You are the only person who can answer this, and you do have the answer, but the fear is getting in the way. Fear tends to do that. If you want to discuss further please send me a message. I can help.

You have options, and you know that. Just don't rush a decision that can't be undone. I remember you said your father had recently passed, there is a lot going on for you right now. Seek some counseling to help you decide what you want to do, and make sure you are completely comfortable with it. Find someone that is impartial, and won't try to sway you one way or another. The fear about not loving him as much as your toddler or not having as much time for your toddler are very normal. I felt the same way, until my 2nd was actually born. To see the bond my toddler already has with his brother took away these worries right away. Just think through all your options and do what's right for you and your family. Good luck

IMO, while ultimately it is your call, I think you also need to discuss this with your DH who is entitled to an opinion as well.

You have probably learned with your current child that nothing is guaranteed. Every child is a challenge, one way or another. Some more than others. Life is messy, generally. What are you afraid of, bottom line. And what will you most regret?

You say you've been praying for guidance - have you been talking to your pastor or other religious support person? Perhaps he or she can help you filter through the what ifs. Or find respite care. Or find help for your family to deal with challenges. Is there any test your OB can give you that would ease your mind in any way (like ruling out Down Syndrome)?

I know you want things to be just so and I get the impression you are walking a tightrope. I think no matter what you need to be able to not worry so much about everything being perfect, and not worry so much about doing it all yourself.

I had my first child at age 36 and second at 40. Neither are special needs. When I thought about getting pregnant with child 2 I worried that it would affect my relationship with child 1. A second child has really added something very important to our family. It's just more fun and balanced. You probably need to consult with a doctor to assess the chances for a disorder to affect the impending child. Also, how serious are the special needs of child 1? How will it change as that child gets older, enters school, etc. I am now 52 and getting tired and having less energy as you get older is very real. Good-luck.

I think you've already answered your question. You just need re-assurance that you are doing the right thing... and you are. Don't beat yourself up.

On a side note, you need to do something about your low energy levels.

I feel for you. At 45 with two healthy kids, youngest being 8, and a husband that is 100% supportive, I could not imagin having another baby.

I do remember being pregnant w my second. My first was 3 when my second was born. I loved my first soo much. The three of us had such a great bond. I never thought that our second would be half as great as out first but I also did not want my oldest to be an only child. My oldest had a hard time when her sister was born. Depressed (for lack if a better word), she didn't want to eat, didn't want to play... Long story.
Now, they are the best of friends and the worst if friends! Lol

I have heard many times that God only gives you what you can handle. My MIL took birth control and still became pregnant several times. BC was forbidden in the Catholic Church back then, but they were struggling and she needed to, had to do something...or so she thought. Things were often tough for them growing up but they are all wonderful adults and parents themselves now.

My biggest worry about your post is NOT that you want to abort. I feel that u have very good reasons for feeling the way that you feel. I worry that you do not mention your husband's feelings on the potential baby.? This is a decision that the two of you should be making together. You say that his new meds have helped his anger issues. I strongly believe that he should be included in your decision making process. You are married, you clearly are still having sex, what are his thoughts on another baby? If you abort and you do not tell him, it is a secret that you will have to keep from your husband for the rest of your life. That may be tougher on you than the abortion (if that's what u choose to do) itself. Do you have any close friends that really know your daily life? Someone with close interaction to your family, may be the best person to help guide you and talk this through. If you do decide to abort please see to it that you have a procedure or you may end up in this situation again. God bless you and your family.

You have so much on your plate. I can see why you have so many questions and worries. There are millions of couples out there desperate to adopt--even special needs kids. Please consider letting someone else lift the burden for you and love that baby, as well. Please also consider permanent birth control for you or your husband.

Oh Mamabear my heart aches for you. This is such a hard situation and any decision you make will have consequences.

I felt everything you just mentioned when I was pregnant with #2. Could I love him as much as I did our daughter? Did I have enough love for both? I remember asking my mom that question and she told me that the heart had a wonderful capacity of expanding. I didn't love my daughter any less, my heart just grew for kiddo #2.

In your situation, I don't know if I could honestly bring another child into this world. I truly believe you are the only one who can answer this question. I am curious, you don't mention how you DH feels. What did he say? Would he hold it against you if you decided to terminate or not terminate?

I would talk with a counselor. Discuss your fears and concerns. Weigh your options. I know in the end, whatever decision you make will be in the best interest of your family. I am praying for strength and with love.