Thinking of Separating After 5 Long Years...

I agree with Beth. I'm thinking that your boyfriend has been a part of your daughter's life for several years. She needs to be able to close her relationship with him whether or not it is a close relationship.

At 10 she is aware of your feelings and if you haven't talked to her about separating she may not understand what is going on. I suggest that you start talking about leaving before you actually leave so that she has time to get used to the idea. I don't know your daughter and so I don't know how much time she would need before you and she make the actual break.

Have you been talking with your boyfriend about how you feel. What do you expect that his reaction will be if you haven't discussed this with him? If I'm reading your post correctly you are keeping the future separation secret at least from your daughter.

The best situation if it's possible for both you and your boyfriend to keep calm is for both of you to talk with her, letting her know that you are doing this for reasons unrelated to her. The way you described it to us is a good way to describe it to your daughter. It is important to acknowledge that this decision does affect her and let her say what she wants to say. Tell her what your plans are ie; practical things such as where you'll live, so that she will feel more secure.

For example are you moving out or is he? Only share with her the things that are appropriate for a child. She doesn't need to know the details of why this happening. She just needs to know that you love her and will continue to care for her. She needs to hear that you are aware that she needs to say goodbye in whatevere way she wants to do it. Be matter of fact. Have as little drama as possible. To do this with him you need your boyfriend's co-operation.

If you separate while she's gone she'll return to a different life having had no knowledge, let alone, part in the transition. That is traumatic too. Because I don't know everyone's personality I don't know how would be best to actually talk with her but I feel strongly that she needs to know before she leaves. Whether or not you do the actual separation before she leaves very much depends
on many factors of which I have no knowledge.

You might tell her now and begin the transition. You make the adult decisions of when and how. Then include her in looking for an apartment if that's what you'll be doing. Or you can wait until a couple of weeks before she leaves so she will have an idea about what her life will be like when she returns. The most important thing is for her to know that you respect her enough to let her know what is happening in her life before she leaves. To also have the opportunity to talk over her feelings with you.

I've found that secrets create more drama in the long run. In this case I suspect she will be angry that she didn't know this was going to happen. She may feel that you've done this behind her back because you don't trust her or you think she's still a "baby." It's like something is done to change her life and she had no part in it even tho she's old enough to know at the time.

If you separate you need to let her know that it is happening, let her say good bye to your boyfriend, and let her have her grief. Do not dis-include her. Separating from your boyfriend might bring on the teens and teenage behavior faster. Do some counseling before the separation. Don't just up and leave.

If you have been living with this individual for 5 years, your daughter is going to have an adjustment period no matter when you decide to separate. If you're the one moving out, you need to find a new place to live and it may or may not be within the service area of the school she's attending now. So waiting to move until she's at her Dad's for summer would be beneficial. If you don't have to move and your significant other is, then separating now would be okay. But regardless of when this occurs, it can't happen in a vacuum. You and he need to sit down and talk with your daughter. Let her know what's happening and why. 10yr girls are very intuitive. If you try to hide things, her imagination will run wild. 5 yrs is a life time to a 10 yr old. She's shared quite a bit with him and it will be difficult for her to let go, unless you plan on sharing custody with him and her father, a tri-party parenting plan. You might want to seek counseling for her and you. I'd let her dad know what's happening as well, so he can answer any questions that might pop up on his watch as well. Life is hard. I wish you all well.

How close is your daughter to your boyfriend? IF they have a close relationship I think it would be better to do it while she is there so she can say goodbye and get some closure in that relationship. She sounds like she is mature so maybe talk to her about it if you haven't already.

I would talk to your daughter about it and see what she thinks about the "whens" of moving. I think 10 is old enough to be included in the conversation.

No matter how close your daughter's relationhip is to your boyfriend it is still a relationship. She needs to be there to ask questions, get angry, be sad, ask more questions, be angry again, be sad again etc, etc, etc. When we try to shield our children from uncomfortable emotions they never learn properly how to deal with them. In the end we only delay the inevitable and deny them the opportunity to grieve.

Also can you imagine how shook up she will be upon returning home to find her whole world turned sideways? She would most likely respond by being very reluctant to let you out of her sight. The trust between you and your daughter will be shook up if not completely shattered.

TALK TO HER NOW!

Do it now(ish). Give your daughter a few months with you in the new circumstance before she spends the summer with her (father, grandfather?).

Let her process with you, and then again over the summer. She'll feel the honesty and the small degree of control she has over her life...even if she doesn't know it. She'll also be able to expect what to come home to...and won't be in a fret trying to imagine what it's going to be like. 10 year old girls also tend to *feel* very adult, and she'll take responsibility in sideways ways if you don't grant her "some". Even if it's just being able to hug mum (ahem, or yell at), or keep one of his CD's you would have thrown out, or if you're MOVING the hugely personal business of her room. So I would say, do it as soon as possible.

Caveat: If you're unstable bipolar &/or suicidal, enlist help and wait.

How does your daughter feel about your boyfriend? If she gets back and he is long gone, it will completely undermine her sense of security and faith in the family and possibly you! She may no longer be a gracious loving daughter after that - especially if she loves him. Hey, we can get rid of whoever we want to when we feel like it. She will probably wonder when you will get rid of her.

I would not do it - ESPECIALLY if she has any kind of a relationship with your boyfriend. Do not underestimate the impact of his being in her life for 5 yours - that's half her life.

I would have to agree with all the advice you have already gotten. Your daughter is getting to the age where she can understand that sometimes grown-ups just cant get along. Staying in a relationship where you aren't happy isn't teaching your daughter how to have a healthy relationship. And I totally agree with you that 10 is the new 13....I have one of those too!

I think you should do it now but have you talked to your daughter about this to give her a heads up? Is she going to have to move schools and if so is she involved in activities like track or something that would be more of a change for her right now. On the flip side, staying in a relationship that isn't working out isn't teaching her about how healthy relationships go. My sister is ending a 26 years marriage now because the kids are all grown and she has a new boy toy but neither of her kids have had a boyfriend/girlfriend ever and don't plan to ever have one or get married because of the example that was set for them. Anyway, talk to your daughter and get her input, she might not want to be a part of the moving process but if she lnows it is happening she can say her goodbye before going to her Dad's. Just talk to her.