My 5 Yrs Old Daughter Is Testing Me Very Often

You need to set rules and be consistent. If you can't climb on the table today, you can't climb on it tomorrow and you can't climb on it next week, next month, or next year.

Ignore her "I wanna live with daddy" statements. She's playing you. She knows that's your button. Don't let her see that those statements bother you.

The Boyfriend thing - again... she's playing you. She's smart. Of course she is jealous - she's had you all to herself since the day she was born. Again, you need to set boundaries and rules and be consistent.

YMMV.
Good luck.
LBC

Hi M.,

Your daughter is having a tough time of your separating from her father. She can not comprehend the situation that you are introducing her to at this time. The only way she can communicate this change is by her behavior.

You are questioning why she is behaving this way and trying to explain it. You know that she can't cope with this new situation.

ODU has a Child Study Center. Their contact number is ###-###-#### they may be able to help you.

Child and Family Services of Eastern VA have classes for parents who are divorcing or separating. Their number is ###-###-####.
Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

She's 5. She may have the vocabulary but she doesn't understand adult relationships. Don't worry so much about the details - she doesn't know what a boyfriend is and she doesn't need to at 5. She's probably just now understanding that you and daddy aren't together and she doesn't understand. Don't give her too much info. It will just confuse her. Reassure her that you both love her very much. Kids often test their parents to make sure you really want them. They'll also use "I want to live with daddy" to hurt you if they know it can. They don't know how to express their emotions they way they really mean them. There are some great children's books out there regarding separation/divorce that may help her express herself.

That said, my dautghter is now 6 and started trying to tell me what to do around 5. I think it's the start of them wanting to be independent. I certainly don't take no from her. If you think she is doing this for attention, you may need to set asside 30 min. a day where you do nothing (no phone, no one else there) but play with her. I had to do this with my daughter and it worked miracles. We put together a puzzle, played a game, painted, toes,etc. and just talked and had girl time. We called it mommy and me time and when I told her it was time, she came running with excitement. We play and I listen and ask questions. It's amazing what I've learned about her and what she does. I know you're schedule is busy, but this is 30 minutes that will earn you a strong relationship with your daughter and open communicaiton.

Good luck!

I think that you are wrong by assuming that the seperation from your husband and her father isn't affecting her. I was 5 when my parents divorced and now I am 33 and I still remember how I felt. It is confusing and hurtful for a 5 year old who does not understand what is going on. The person that wrote that she is "playing you" is wrong and could not be more insensitive. It is also very confusing to have a new male in her home who is not her father. It is also very natural for her to be jealous of your boyfriend he is taking your attention away from her. She shouldn't have to feel like she needs to "love" your boyfriend. Let's face it you have no idea if you will marry this man or if it won't work out at this stage of the game. if it doesn't work out for you and your boyfriend that is another person in her life that is going to not be around, just like her dad.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor with her? And letting her see a counselor alone so she can talk about what she is feeling and what she is confused about? I know that my words seem a little harsh, but I am a child of divorce and it took me many years to deal with all of the issues that go along with it. Just don't underestimate how your daughter is really feeling she really needs your time and attention right now and yours alone.

Good luck.

M., Good for you for taking steps to improve your life and the life you can give your daughter! Being a full time parent, bread winner, and taking advanced classes is a full plate!It's so easy to become emoitally and physically exhausted in situations like this. Make sure you take time to be alone and rest! I've been there and I feel for you!

Your daughter sounds like a 5 year old! At this age, children will start to show their independance and individuality in ways you haven't seen before. That's o.k., but she needs to learn that it is never o.k. to be rude or hurtful. What worked for my daughters was telling them what needed to happen, then giving them a choice. "It's time to get ready for bed. Do you want to brush your teeth first, or brush your hair first?" "We need to get dressed now. Do you want to wear the blue dress or the yellow one?" Then do it in her chosen order. Don't give her choices that are not an option. Safety issues are NEVER negotiable. Try something like "You must sit down and keep your seat belt on in the car. I love you and want to keep you safe."

It's hard, but do not be too hurt by her statement that she wants to live with Dad. It happens with most children whose parents do not live together and it is often part of them trying to see where they fit into the situation. If you go into hysterics about statements like that, she'll use them to control your behavior and you don't want a five year old controlling your adult life! It doesn't make her a bad child-she's just learning about her environment. A frank discussion at her level of understanding is important and you might have to have it several times- something that reaffirms her love for you and her Dad and both of your love for her. Let her know that saying things like that when she's mad hurts your feelings.
She also needs to know that Mom needs time with her adult friends. You didn't say how long you've been dating this man or how serious you two are-Be careful about how soon you introduce a new man into her life. She still loves Dad and doesn't understand that this new guy isn't going to take his place in her life. Talking about this isn't going to change her mind either. Time and his behavior will help her understand this. As far as her wanting to be the center of attention when he's arround, she's five and this is normal-here is a new person to give her attention.

Best wishes, M.. Mothers and daughters have a unique relationship and when it's only the two of you, it is often strained when a new person or situation is introduced. What ever happens, make sure she knows you still love her, take care of yourself, and you will find your way through this!

Hi M.!
Kids these days are very perceptive. Just my opinion, I would try to make her life as consistant as possible. She's not going to like it at first, but you're teaching her that she's the most important thing right now. Maybe have a "Mommy & Me" day every so often. Change is scarey for kids (it was & still is scarey for you). But kids are pretty resilient. Just make sure she knows she's #1. The whole live with dad thing, was just a way to make you feel bad & she succeeded (one up for the little bit!).
Good luck

The one thing that jumps out at me is that she has a realtionship with your boyfriend. 7 months between your separation and having a new boyfriend is a bit quick for a child (and maybe even an adult). Is it possible for you to keep your dating relationships out of her life until you are extremely serious about someone and are ready to marry? This seems the only fair thing to do for a child. There is no reason that she should have to endure the rollercoaster of your dating life. If and when you get divorced, THEN should you consider dating, and after that, exposing a new father figure to your daughter's life.

Seems to me that your daughter has enough on her plate with your separation and the changes in living situation. If you care about her, it should be just you and her until you are ready to make a marriage commitment.

Goodness...she's only 5!!! You defintely have your hands full. My first question would be...how does the ex and current get along? If it is all good, is it possible for them to spend time together with her? She may be having a hard time placing her "loyalties". Kids are funny like that! If everyone works together as a unit and she knows that she is the center of EVERYONE'S universe she may become more comfortable with the situation. Secondly, if at all possible, maybe you could schedule/rotate time together with her AND your ex? I guess my point is that maybe she needs to know that it is okay to love ALL of you and that you ALL love her?? Good luck!

It does seem as though your daughter is testing you. However, this could be the only way she knows to let you know how she is really feeling about all these changes that have taken place in her life. She needs time to adjust to each of these changes (separation, new male figure). I think it would be good for you to set aside a day for just you and her. Talk to her about all these changes and let her know that she can tell you exactly how she is really feeling and you will not be upset with her. Ask her how she feels about her father no longer living in the house with her. Even if she rarely saw him, it's still makes a difference with him not being there at all. Ask her how she feels about your boyfriend. Children are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. Let her know that the NO's will have to stop because you are still the parent and she is the child. At the same time let her know that no matter what you still love her and you will always be there for her. I truly feel that this is harder for her than what she is allowing you to see. Always keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes we as parents can get wrapped up into our own lives and we fail to see what is really happening with the kids. It's easy to do and we don't even realize it. Make sure that she is getting quality time from you. As for her comment about wanting to stay with her father, I wouldn't even worry about that. If she knows that is a way to get you upset, trust me, this will not be the last time you will hear those words come out of her mouth. Be blessed!!

Hi M.,

It sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate! Being a full time mom in addition to working and taking classes must take a lot of time and effort. However, try to look at it from your daughter's perspective. She went from having a family where she had two parents to her situation now - where she sees her dad sporadically and her mom, in addition to working full time, has her attention divided between classes, housework, and a boyfriend. When does she get to have time with her parents? She may be saying she wants to live with her father to get attention from you, but on the other hand, she very well may want to. When she's with her father, she sees all his attention devoted to HER - she's the special one for the day - then she returns home to a place where your attention is divided between so many other things. Maybe you can arrange a more consistent schedule with her father, or see if he will increase support so you can decrease some of your work and extracurricular events. My step daughter is five as well, and her mother takes college classes during the day and works at night. We share custody 50-50 at the moment, but when the time comes to give her back to her mother, she gets very upset and cries and says she doesn't want to leave. this is a new development that started about the time her mother's schedule switched - your daughter may just be responding to your busy schedule as well. I'm not saying you can't be a mom and go to school at the same time - but maybe if you cut back on the time you spend with your boyfriend and focus on what is truly important, your daughter may start to show changes in her behavior as well.

Sounds like it could be a lot of things. She is going through a LOT of changes in her life lately...all things that she has no control over, that everyone else around her is making the decisions. Even though it may seem to you that she is okay with it all...that could be her doing her best to respect that it has to be, but really, any 5 year old would have upset feelings with all of this. It is only natural. Maybe she is just voicing "no" with those silly things, because she can't with the larger choices, such as you and her dad seperating, or this new man in her life.
It could also be something more simple, such as her learning it from a friend, or someone in school. Or just a phase that she is testing you...even the bet behaved children want to see their boundaries, want to test them.
Considering the seperation and all of that, I would be sensitive towards her, because it is a good possibility it is because of that. Give her some choices in her life. Let her choose her pajamas at bedtime, choose her toy to take to bed, get her a couple of new toothbrushes, let her choose which one to use at bedtime, let her choose the bubbles for the bath, her towel... and make it obvious that you are letting her, actually telling her to make the choice. She probably just wants to feel like she has some control in things...so let her!
K.

Five year olds test boundaries anyway, but your daughter has a lot of change to deal with and the situation may mean she's not so much rebellious, she's confused. Two things jumped out at me:

One, you said your ex "lets her do everything I don't." Have a serious discussion with him to ensure you both use the same rules and the same consequences and she doesn't get away with things with Dad that Mom doesn't allow. She needs consistency. I'm not saying this is exactly the case here, but I know of several divorced couples where the non-custodial dad is the "fun parent" who swoops in and does all the fun outings, and the mom, who has day-to-day custody, has to set and enforce all the rules of the daily grind. To the child, one parent's all party time, the other becomes a stern cop. (I know! This can work the other way around where Dad's the cop! I'm just speaking from the experiences I've seen.) Please don't let the situation get to that point. Maybe you and your ex need some third-party, post-divorce counseling together about getting on the same page with schedules and disciplne. Consistency is what she needs amid the confusion of a divorce and a new relationship.
Second, your daughter's getting really attached to your boyfriend just at the time when she's grappling with your divorce. Like another person below said, the divorce may be affecting her more than you know. While her good feelings for your boyfriend are nice and may seem to give her a "daddy figure", if they spend a lot of time together and she gets very attached, it sets her up for a lot of pain if you and your boyfriend don't end up as a permanent relationship. Only you know where that's going. If you're not on the route to a permanent thing, ultimately if you two break up, she will be confused and feel again that a male figure in her life has left her. I'm certainly not saying this will happen, but look at things from her young, simple perspective. DO keep looking after yourself, recovering from your divorce positively, and seeing and growing with your great boyfriend, but consider asking a trained counselor what to do regarding how much time he and she should spend together at this point in your relationship with him. I know I'm advocating counseling a lot but it may take a detached person who can see your daughter's situation from outside to help with some specific ideas. Your little girl will be fine in the end because you care about her so much!

My opinion is that she is just acting out because, like you said she is jealous. Plain and simple. Perhaps you can keep your dating life separate for a while until she feels more secure and safe and less confused about men coming and going. If you are already serious about this fella and he is a prominent figure in her life already then maybe they can spend some 1 on 1 time together since she is wanting is attention so badly. But be cautious about her getting so close to him in case things dont work out. THen that will be another man "leaving" her. She could become extremely insecure when it comes to men being in that atmosphere. I did the single mom thing for a while and I made sure I was serious about the guy before introducing him to my daughter.

You need to be firm and consistent about everything. You and your ex really have no other choice than to get on the same page when it comes to discipline. It is crucial for your daughters emotional well being. And if you want her to behave. You have to have the same set of rules at each house. If he cannot adhere to that he can make life really difficult at which point I would suggest supervised visits in a public place. Just remember to give her as many secure feelings as you possibly can and dont leave her in the dust as you pursue your relationship w/ your boyfriend. GL.

It seems like she is going through a lot changes. Whether she saw her father a lot before probably makes no difference. To her - you're still her mother and your "ex" is still her dad -- "Mommy and Daddy". Adding a new guy into her world is confusing. She can't comprehend it. And she is probably jealous - she doesn't understand if you guys are affectionate to one another, or what a "boyfriend" is. It sounds like you either need to spend more one on one time with her, or possibly talk to someone to help her with the transition. But most of all, be patient and consistent with her.

P.S. Well said Michelle D