Last January, I moved out of the home we rented for 7 yrs together. I moved out (even though I was the homemaker) primarily b/c the house was constantly so cold and damp being under big walnut trees- this meant mold and my children were constantly sick. I opted to move b/c I hypothesized my children would be healthier. I am pleased to say, my theory was correct and the children have hardly been sick at all this yr. I gave up a gorgeous yard that I planted much of and my well-loved fruit trees, my neighbors and the 100 foot commute to the school across the street. I stayed in the area to keep my daughter at her really, exceptionally good school. The first place we moved was w/ a friend 10 mins away. Initially, I just rented a room b/c I needed affordable rent and my work is part time w/ a fluctuating schedule but alas, my pay doesn't reflect my college education.
In July I had to move again. By this time, my children and I were much more emotionally stable. (We were not in Jan- all afraid, angry, sad, etc.) Because I still have a low wage and b/c my ex became unemployed I would not have much dinero for rent. (PLus, I am using all the money I can to put myself through a 4 yr training.) For this reason, I accepted my boyfriend's offer to live w/ him. (Living w/ a parent or sibling was not an option.) My relationship w/ my boyfriend has had the theme of too much too soon. Emotionally, I can't really be very open but he still feels loved and cared for and I am thankful. I have had my needs met and it's been good to be w/ someone who is so smart and mature and capable. I've been able to make a nice home out of the place we have (which is just like a woman, isn't it? WE really add those special touches that are so easy to see and feel.)
Still, I need to make the leap to better-paying, more satisfying, involved work. What I really want is to be independent. I want to make a home for my children on my own. I needed the stability and grounding my boyfriend has provided but I need to be free to practice the self-care that my schooling is helping me to understand and value. (not my area of expertise!)
NOw, I have family members who want to move w/ me up north and there is a really different cost of living there. Likewise, work opportunities may be more limited. But wow, very different rent!!! I researched the school and was happy to discover it is similar to what we know now.
Since I have not been able to maintain my local friendships through the last 2 yrs during my separation process, my sense of community is not very strong. I have been reaching out to my friends- many of whom live on the other side of the county but I am not getting a lot of responses so I don't know for sure that friends are a good enough reason to stay in the area. (plus there's always skype and facebook if I want.)
Lastly, how do I decide what to do for me and my children with consideration for my ex? I have felt so pushed way and rejected and that makes me want to up and go- get away from him- that's what he said he wanted for so long- to get away from me but he didn't go away so in a sense I'm doing it for him. Still, I want to give my children the relationship they deserve w/ him but I am so discouraged when I'm put down, get the most minimal communication possible, and no thanks for my genuine concerns. (But I am told I need to say please and thank you though this is not reciprocated.) The good thing is that he wants to be w/ his children but almost every drop-off is a challenging experience.
Should I try harder to stay local so the children can see their dad frequently? (We haven't even been able to agree on going to mediation to do our settlement agreement!) Should I start fresh and take the risk? What legal concerns are there with living in 2 different counties while in the process of a divorce?
Do I really want to live w/ my sister who has OCD? My mom needs help w/ her and someone has to help her and her daughter. Isn't this the stuff family does? Will I regret going or not going? How can I know for sure? I'm not sure but I appreciate hearing your responses. I am scared. Mostly. I want what's best for my children- great opportunities for their education and future. I also need to stay in school. (40 days a yr in Berkeley- a little less than 2 yrs to go- best education in my life!)
Please, Mama's who have been through divorce- I really need to hear from you!!! Thanks! With love...
If their dad is not abusive to them, absolutely do everything you can to keep them close to their father. They need their daddy, especially the boy!
It will be really bad for your kids if you take them away from their father.
HOWEVER, if HE was the one who chose to separate, and HE doesn't see the kids, then you can move.
When my ex-husband unilaterally chose to divorce, and all my crying and begging couldn't get him to stay with his one-year old son, I didn't hesitate to move back across country where I had come from. I wasn't going to follow my ex around as he lived his life without us. But then for the next 19 years I had to watch my son's pain from being the product of divorce.
As far as living with your boyfriend goes -- BAD idea. Move in with your family, continue the relationship with your boyfriend, and when the two of you know you are right for each other, and that your boyfriend will be a loving stepfather for your son, THEN you can get married and have a real relationship. It will be harmful for your son to live with this man, bond with him and then have him leave, so what's the point of being with him unless the two of you are going to get married?
Dear C.,
You certainly have a lot going on. I totally understand that. I left my abusive husband when my son was a year old. My daughter was 11. I walked away from a man that made well into 6 figures annually, plus a huge, beautiful home on over an acre with a pond and fruit trees. I gave it all up for the sake of sanity and for stability for my children. My ex was becoming increasingly mentally unstable and it was a dangerous situation. He punished me by not paying child support and every other crappy thing you can think of. I filed for divorce, I began the mediation process, I reached out for help to be able to give my children some sense of normalcy. That was 12 years ago. Yes, we've had to move a couple of times, but I made sure my children had consistancy. Meaning, even though I moved to another town 15 minutes away, I still drove or carpooled so my older child could stay in the same school with her friends. My son went to the same school from K-8th grade and just started high school with all of his friends. It hasn't been easy. My ex has taken me back to court about a thousand times wanting more custody or just to force me to sit in the same room with him. But, the fact remains, I have been the one stable thing in their lives. I've not remarried, although I would have liked to, but I was too busy working and trying to raise some great kids to concentrate on finding a man. And, in all honesty, I prefer my independence. I do things the way I want to do them, when I want to do them, I get to make my own decisions. I'm happy. Sure, it might be nice to have a man around once in a while, so I borrow my friends' husbands if my hot water heater leaks or my car breaks down. My point is, I wanted to land and stand on my own two feet and though we've struggled, I'm a better person for it. I've gone on some dates, but my kids don't even know because unless someone really special comes along, they don't need to be subjected to it. I didn't want them getting attached to someone and then if it didn't work out, I didn't want them thinking men and women just live together and leave each other. I totally understand economic situations, but moving in with a boyfriend is something I never would have even considered. I STILL won't consider it.
One thing I do know, for sure, is that two half people do not add up to a whole person. And even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person on the planet, if you are still half a person, he can't make up the rest so that you equal two healthy and whole people.
I encourage you to visit the legal aid office in your area. Begin mediation proceedings. Ask for resources about counseling. I live up "north" so I'm not so sure how north you are talking about, but I do know that in Humboldt County, the parent who moves away is usually expected to travel and pay the costs of insuring a relationship with the other parent.
I'm in a hurry this morning so just typing quite quickly, but in my opinion, you just seperated and don't even have any of that sorted out. Find someone to talk to that will help you break things down one by one and realize that as long as you have children, what is best for them always has to come first. Getting an education so you can support them is a great thing. Bettering their lives is your goal, to be sure.
You don't know if you should do this, you don't know if you should do that.....
Believe it or not, that's actually pretty normal given your circumstances and that's why I said, get help with taking one thing at a time. Your main priority needs to be sorting our your marital status and custody issues. Then go from there. Don't wait for your ex to file first because you will always be the "respondent". And, if you're already living with someone else and YOU haven't moved forward with things, that might not look very good. I'm just saying.
The other thing I'm wondering, usually when you file for divorce, you are ordered to mediation, it's not a choice and you also have to go to Children of Divorce workshops. I think the mandatory mediation and workshops would be a good place to start as far as figuring things out for what's best for your kids.
I wish you the best, really do!
Hi
If your ex is not abusive towards the children , then I think it's VERY important to allow them to see their father. The problems that you and your ex are having should not be allowed to burden your children's relationship with either parent. Despite your anger towards your ex, I would try and do all that I could to help those kids keep in touch. In the end, if you don't , you will eventually have gotten over your heartache, but theirs could remain a life time. don't mess it up for them... remember, none of this is their fault. When parents disallow visitation or make it difficult for children, it's the children that pay the price.. revenge may feel sweet, but ultimately, it's poisoning and don't think it won't backfire on you... The children could grow to resent you from keeping them from their father..
My mother did exactly that.........kept her kids from their father and because of it was my sibblings and I who missed out.. Oh mom got over it all, went on to new boyfriends... What do I now think of my mother... (god rest her soul) she was VERY selfish........ and vindictive.. because of that.... I resented her for a long time...
Just something to think about..
Wow! All I can say is that it may be wise to slow down a bit and adjust to the changes in your life where you are. Your children have also been through a great deal with the separation and moves and new boyfriend, etc. While the rent is obviously lower, the stress may be much higher. I admire that you have been trying to stay civil with you ex and let the children have their relationship with him. I really, really suggest finding a therapist or coach who works with divorced/separated couples to really do the right thing for each other and their children. I get the sense that you still are holding on to a lot from your ex and moving away may appear to provide some relief, but long distance parenting is even harder. Helping family is important, but right now you have yourself and your children to consider.
To be honest, you sound like you are waiting for the men in your life to do something you need, but as an adult it is up to you to take responsibility for your own needs and behaviors. If your ex can't agree on when to go to mediation, stop asking him and find out what your legal rights are. Seek help from professionals to set boundaries that are respectful, but protect you and your children. Concentrate on education, but also on finding social support, perhaps not in the form of a man.
I hope this isn't too harsh - I feel for the complexities of what you are going through. It is just that at some point we all have to focus on what we ourselves need to do to stabilize our lives.
Good luck.
Not to be blunt but you have kids and it is not about you anymore. Do not take them from their father. It sounds like they have been through enough. You must work it out even if your training has to be put on hold.
Don't move away. You will be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. What will change if you move? You will be expected to take on your mother's and sister's problems, as well as your own problems, and your kids' problems if they are separated from their dad, and you will not have access to the education you want. Plus, your ex-husband will be justifiably angry about not being able to see his kids, and harder to deal with. All this for what? Lower rent? Not a good trade, in my opinion.
If your ex-husband is good with his kids, try to safeguard their relationship with him, regardless of your relationship with him. Go forward with the divorce, and as your ex-husband sees that you are putting the kids' needs first, and not trying to punish him, he will become easier to deal with. If you can't get along with him when you drop off and pick up the kids, get someone else to drop them off and pick them up. It's better for the kids not to see the two of you unable to get along.
In the meantime, you should talk with your boyfriend about the fact that you see living with him as just a temporary solution. You should let him know what your plans are after you finish school, so he does not feel that you have been using him when you move out. And, as long as he's OK with it, don't move out until you've finished school and are getting offers of better paid work, and can actually afford to be independent. Good luck!
Dear C.,
From everything you have told us, it seems you’re very conflicted and just trying to provide a place for your children. I wouldn’t recommend moving in with family unless you have NO other choice. It is right to help family when you can, but you have your hands full with what’s going on in your life and the lives of your children. Additional responsibility at this time would be difficult for you and your children.You want and need a place of your own. So hopefully you will complete your training and be able to get a good job and support yourself. Your boyfriend sounds like he might be a “keeper”. In coming out of a bad and painful marriage then jumping into a live in situation, I believe your doing a disservice to the man you’re living with and yourself, if you don’t love him.
If your kid's dad is good to them, I wouldn't move too far away from him. If the drop off's are difficult, maybe you can have a friend be with you when it's time for dad to have the kids.
Here is some info on moving with your children that may be helpful:
IV. Moving away with your child.
Generally, the parent who has an order for sole physical custody has the right to move away with your child. The court has, however, the ability to look beyond the label of “physical custody” to see which parent has truly been providing the primary physical care of your child. The “left-behind” parent has the right to have the court consider how the move away of the child will negatively impact (cause “detriment” to) the child. Some bases for showing detriment include a child’s need for stability and continuity, the distance of the move, the child’s age and community ties, the quality of the child’s relationship with both parents, the child’s wishes (if he or she is of “sufficient age and capacity”), and the scope of shared parenting. The finding of detriment by the court is just one factor to be used by the court in making its decision.
The court will not look at the reason for the move unless it can be proven that the reason is in bad faith, for example, to prevent the left-behind parent from having contact time with the child
When the parents have joint physical custody, they should try to agree on whether or not the child will go with the moving parent. If they cannot agree, a judge can decide for them, using the best interest of the child test. A formal evaluation of the custody arrangement can also be ordered.
Blessings.......
Maybe you should see a counselor on your own to help you deal with some of your issues. I don't want this to sound harsh-just an observation but you talked a lot about you and making choices for you and it might help to talk to someone about you AND your children together.
Hi C.:
Wow! You are going through an immense amount of decisions right now. I hope I can give you some feedback that may benefit you. First I have been divorced twice, the first I have a son (now 16) who sees his father usually two weekends a month but lately it has only been one day of the two but it seems my son doesn't mind. The hardest thing I think is knowing whether to do things for others especially your children or for you. But the great thing is doing good for you does good for your children. So, always think what is best for you right now - because you are taking care of everything. If you are currently in school, you have to check all the transfer issues, etc., and finances if you decide to move. If you are only moving to another county but staying in CA some colleges transfer easily, others don't. But also think about the courses and how moving will affect you.
I currently work in a personal injury law firm but do have an attorney in my office who is a Family Law attorney and a good one at that if you need one. I don't know if you already have one but if so, he/she should be doing all the work there. Let me know if you need the name.
I also am working with an awesome company which sells candles and accessories. This is going to be my ticket out of the office and to be able to stay at home with my 16 yr old and also I have a 21/2 yr old with my current boyfriend. Check out my website if you are interested too and let me know. This could benefit you also. It is www.partylite.biz/tammichelemagic.
I always hate to move but sometimes change of scenery helps and other times it doesn't. Make a list of all your choices you need to think about and take it one step at a time but always put yourself first in everything. You will make it through everything some easier than others but there are lots of people around to help and when you least expect it, strangers come to your aid too.
My personal email is ____@____.com. Write me there anytime and I will be glad to stay in touch and develop a friendship with you.
I hope I have given you some help. Be strong in your own mind and faith and don't rush anything. I know one thing I learned from being divorced and a single mom was to always check everything before making extreme decisions. No rash and sudden changes are better for your children and for you too.
Hang in there and stay in touch either here or via email.
T.
i will share with you a different perspective -- financial. i live in one of these up north cheaper rent kind of places and i can tell you the living is not easier. jobs are hard to come by, it is all about networking and who you know, and everything besides rent is just as expensive as where you are at. additionally, emotional support here is not easy to come by, as people tend to be cliquish and closed off -- not trusting newcomers. just small town mentality, you know.
my vote for the kids -- keep them with their dad and kind yourself a counselor who will teach you to interact without the baggage of the emotional games. you will be liberated and the rest of your life will fall into place.
