Thanksgiving Dilemma

I would tell him why you will be going, taking the kids, and that you expect him to come too. Sounds like he could use some therapy to work through all this pain. and, maybe you could show support by going with him. We always go to my in laws, this year my husband doesn't want to. Too much drama. And, i am thankful.

Have you asked him if he wants you to stay? I don't think there's anything wrong with going, but I would at least talk to him and see how he would feel if I went.

Nope. he'll be happy all alone with the bottle.
YOU go and take your kids to see family.
It's ridiculous that he's suggesting this.
My stepfather passed away 10 days before Christmas and we about killed ourselves to make sure the little ones had a reasonably normal Christmas.
Why, on Earth, would he want to punish his children like that?
If he can't get on with his life, he really might benefit from some grief counseling.
The funeral home or the cemetery should be able to get you some resources for meetings.

You are a great wife! I don't mean to sound cold, so I sure hope it doesn't come off this way. But Thanksgiving is a time of being "Thankful" and spending it with your family. I think you should spend it with your side, and if your husband doesn't want to join you, then he doesn't have too. I do understand he has a great loss with lots of regret, however, it's been two years ago, and it's not fair to you and your children. He's a father and what his dad didn't do for him, he should make sure he does it for them, so they don't ever feel the way he is. I don't think it's healthy for him if you stay home and don't visit your family, what if this is your last Thanksgiving with your parents, or some family member.
If he wants to be home, let him, but celebrate all that you are thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Oh, this is so sad. I don't think he's wallowing or having a pity party at all. He's struggling to resolve the past, this is hard. Of course he needs your understanding, but he needs to at least understand your side as well. I'm sure he doesn't want you to miss family time and have the same regrets later on, so you need to connect with family as well.

If it were me, I would express my understanding that this is a hard time for him. And if there is any kind of rememberance that you could do on the day of his passing, that might be nice (write a letter to dad, release balloons, etc.). Offer something to help him and let him know you get his grief. And let him know that it's important for you to see family, and you really want him to go. But if he doesn't want to go, you understand but you still need to go. (and yes, take his keys).

I hope it goes well...

Life is for the living. If he isn't ready that's ok. He decided he doesn't want to go. He didn't ask you not to go, did he? I'm sure he would rather be alone and not have people hovering or trying to talk him to death.

I've had to plaster on a fake smile and suffer through big family holidays that just make the gaping hole that person left behind even more obvious. But that eventually passed. Now there is just a tinge of meloncholy instead of the weight of grief. I can enjoy myself now and do look forward to them, but I fully understand wanting to just dive to the bottom of a bottle and hybernate until the whole damn thing is over.

I would go and let him wallow in his own self pity at home... but I would take away his keys to make sure he wont go driving drunk. Also, perhaps he should be talking to a counselor. I also lost my dad to cancer as well, and this is still my answer.

It took me a while to get past the first four lines of this post. Taking to the bottle is not the best way for anyone to deal with grief. Please call Al-Anon. This needs some taking care of.

Meanwhile, I would go ahead and go to my relatives' home - IF I didn't think that he would drink all the time while I was gone. And I'd take the keys to the cars.

My daddy died on my birthday. For a while after that I didn't care too much to celebrate my birthday! But then I realized that Dad didn't mean it as a personal affront to die right then - it just happened that way.

Don't be a prisoner to your husband's alcoholism. Take your children to visit their family/ies on Thanksgiving. It's your husband's choice to miss out and he's entitled to handle his grief alone even if he's not entitled to give in to the alcoholism.

My FIL passed away two days after my birthday this year. Needless to say it was a pretty crappy birthday. Next year, however, I'm hopeful that my birthday won't be buried and swept under the carpet. Eleven years ago my husband's brother passed away five days before Christmas after a lifelong illness. His death devastated the entire family and wrecked my IL's, but that didn't stop us from having Christmas. Not for the sake of the children.

That's what keeps us going when people that are important to us leave, no matter how they leave... we keep living and we move on because it's healthy and it's a good example for the children. Holidays don't get ignored because the children don't deserve that. The same day my FIL died, my poor little 5 year old niece was crying and then choked back a sob and said, "Wait... can we still have Fanksgibbing? And Christmas? Pwease? Nonnu would want us to still have hah-wi-days! Don't take away hah-wi-days! I love turkey and pwesents!"

The children are what get us through and help us smile. We don't forget or pretend our loves never existed, and we don't pretend that we're not sad. We just don't stop living, and we live in a way to make them proud. Hopefully your husband will see that. But I have a feeling that he may need to see a therapist soon or his drinking will get worse, and not just around holidays.

I'd talk to your hubby about going to your family's celebration and explain that you will go with the children and he is more than welcome to come along. Put no pressure on him but make him understand that you'll be gone for the day.

My sil is going through the same thing since his father passed away. They were not close and their relationship was complicated. My daughter finally explained that the relationship he has with his own children is the most important one and by wallowing in self pity he was not fully participating in their lives. It's helped.

I can understand that he has unresolved feelings/issues surrounding all this. He will need to work through this. IF he refuses to attend with you, then you need to go about your business and take the kids to his/your side of the family and enjoy. It's not fair to you or them. Have fun and perhaps he needs some counseling to work through some issues.

It's tough, yes, and a touchy one too. Although they were not close, I am sure it is difficult to admit that their are regrets and wishes that will not happen. Since it has been two years, I would suggest that your husband find someone to talk with about his grief. While grieving and feeling sad around specific times of the year, as well as relieving memories is normal. People tend to be able to handle the death of a loved one better after the first year. He could be suffering from some depression.

If it were my husband, I would tell him that drinking his sorrows away is not going to bring back his father. Celebrating his life, remembering good times and being with family will keep him closer. I would tell him that life is for the living, and we need to be with people, that our children don't deserve to watch their father this way. That you can't just sit around for it either,and will be going to your families for thanksgiving with or without him. It might be harsh, but he needs to realize what this is doing to you and your children to see him that way.

Personally, I would go to my family's for Thanksgiving. why would you and your children want/need to stay home and deprive yourselves of celebrating because your husband hasn't admitted that he needs help getting through this.

My nephew passed away on December 1, one week after his 2nd birthday. Thanksgiving has been tough for the last couple of years, but you know what... we're getting through it together. We have so much to be thankful for, including our beautiful little angel... to ignore that week like it didn't happen isn't healthy either.

Let your husband know that you are going to spend the day with family because you want your children to have a festive day. If he wants to come, he can decide right up until the last minute. If he doesn't, you respect that and won't hold it against him

My FIL passed away in March of this year. Father's Day sucked. His birthday (December 18th) will suck... the anniversary of his death will suck. My husband and his father did not have a good relationship, but at some point my husband decided to let the guilt and anger go (having a pshrink for a wife helps too). He can make a choice here... carry the guilt of "what could have, but probably wouldn't have been" or move forward and be thankful for who he has in his life. You can't make that choice for him, but you can model it for your children.

I would not sit around to brood. If that's how he intends to spend his time, you go and have a good time. I'm personally trying to find a good way to explain to my kids that I want to be home all day, quiet, and somewhat alone this year. My reasons are for the simple reason that I don't get any time off to speak of. I work 7 days. I want my kids to go and have a great time. I just don't want to spend my couple of holidays off with chaos and grand cooking. I certainly don't want to change anything for those that want the big shindigs.

I'm sorry your husband is going through this. But he's going to have to process things in his own way. By the way, I had a bad relationship with my father too and he died 2.5 years ago. My little sister died the very next year, almost to the day and then my Aunt died almost to the week a year after that. It's really not the end of the world. If he's taking to the bottle, he needs help. But this is the wrong time of the year to bring it up.

I really feel for you ... the "Festive Season" is hard enough without having to deal with the death of a parent. Its extremely difficult for any of us to give you a definite answer to your question as we don't know all the family dynamics at play. Just today my hubby had to fly to the city his parents live in because my FIL is on life-support and they expect him to die soon. My hubby is extremely close to his parents and he was devastated by the news. I feel guilty because I find myself praying for a swift "passing over" because I don't want his death to be associated with Christmas! :( My best advice on the matter is that you should do what you feel is best for you and your family. If your hubby is going to go on a drinking binge and wallow in self-pity, maybe the best thing to do is to take the kids and go celebrate with your extended family! If you choose to stay with him, make your own turkey and give thanks for what you do have as a family. Whatever you decide, don't do it because you feel you "should"! If you give up Thanksgiving with your extended family don't spend the day regretting it and being in a bad mood cos that won't help anyone! This is a really tough dilemma and I pray that (whatever you decide to do) you have something to be thankful for on the day. Best wishes.

I would ask your husband if he minded that you still went to see BOTH sides of the family and see what he says. Dealing with death is very difficult and people have different ways of coping with it. I don't I'd be as harsh as to say he's "wallowing in his own self pity" but he does need to get some kind of help to help deal with his feelings. Just because he's still morning doesn't mean you have to miss the holidays with family. Good luck.