First Thanksgiving Without Mom

just go threw the motions and try to be thankful for everything else around you and everyone else. It get better every year

I agree with Jen. Try not to dwell on the day after, last year. Talk about the great Thanksgivings that you always had with her. Go back to your childhood and don't forget to include anything that happened at last Thanksgiving. I lost my dad on Valentines Day when I was 12. Valentines Day was never the same for me, because I never really had any great Valentine memories. My mom passed away on the same day (different year) that I had my first date with my husband. Although that day is still sad, I still have the great memories of meeting my husband on that day not just the sadness of my mom passing. The best way to combat pain is with laughter.

Just go and be around the family and don't dwell on your sadness but try to remember some wonderful times with your mom. She will always be with you no matter what you do or where you are she is a part you forever. Good Luck!

This will be my second Thanksgiving without both my Mom and Dad. It's really hard to go through the holidays without them. I feel like all the tradition died right along with them. It makes me feel lost and orphaned. I still looked for the same things on the holidays last year, and they weren't there. I felt like a zombie just muddling through the days.
The big thing that gets me through (not just the holidays but especially the holidays) is my baby. I can't be a zombie anymore, she's older, and knows when mommy is upset. I know my parents wouldn't want me to be sad. They would want me to celebrate, and show my baby what the holidays are all about. I really want to continue the same traditions, and I know my parents would be proud of me for doing so.
I hate cranberry sauce, but every year my dad had to have a can of the jellied kind right there on the table. He didn't even want us to slice it up, just put it in a dish and set it next to his plate. It will be on my table this Thanksgiving too. My moms cheesecake will be ready to eat after the dinner.
My mom was always super nuts about Christmas. The entire house would be decorated. I finially asked her why she was soooo crazy about it. When she was around 8, they all woke up on Christmas morning and her dad was supposed to be coming home for the night shft. Instead a police officer came and told them he had died in a car accident driving home in thick fog. Her way of coping was going over board, totally immersing herself with Christmas.
We all have our different ways of coping. I just tried to think what would they want me to do. What would they have done if it were me who wasn't here to celebrate? You do whatever you need to do to grieve. Cry, laugh, be silly, sleep, go throw eggs at a tree...whatever it is that makes you feel a little better, you make sure you do it. You will always miss her, but over time it will get easier.
Im so sorry to hear about your loss. Big hugs to you.

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone this year. My mom passed away this past May (unexpectedly while on vacation in Mexico with my Dad). Thanksgiving has always been my FAVORITE holiday; we have a celebration with my family and a separate one with my husband's family. After my mom passed, I thought focusing on my husband's family's celebration would help with the hurt of my mom not being around. Well, my husband's mother passed away last month!! (I am only 34, by the way.)

So, Thanksgiving will be hard for me, too. What helps me the most is knowing that my mom does not want me to be sad too much/often, and rejoice in the family and loved ones that are still here and cherish the memories I have of her.

I'm so sorry about your mother. My mother died on Labor Day (which was also my husband's birthday) last year. For Thanksgiving last year, we went to an aunt and uncle's and my father went as well. I will tell you, I found throughout the whole first year after she died that the "biggies" -the holidays and her birthday that I really prepared myself for in advance went much better than I anticipated. I was usually able to hold it together and even enjoy myself, although I would have a small moment of emotion here or there -or at the end of the day when all the festivities were over. It has been the out-of-the-blue, no special day, odd things that have caused the biggest surges of emotion in me. It's gotten a lot better and easier as time has gone by, but I've felt like I could physically feel the waves of grief coming and going in shorter and shorter phases.

I feel for you on Thanksgiving because that coincides with the anniversary of her death. Obviously from this post, you've already begun to think about it and prepare for it. You may find that you're like me, and it's not nearly as bad as you think it may be because of this mental and emotional preparation. This year was my husband's 40th birthday and the 1st anniversary of my mother's death. He has been pretty horrified about it all, but I told him (and I do feel this way) that I was glad we had something to celebrate on that day. Perhaps you can take solace in the fact that, since we're reminded to be thankful for what we have and have had at Thanksgiving, you can be thankful for your mother's life and the relationship you had with her. I know that kind of advice can sound trite, but it can actually help when the time comes. Because of the days it all fell on, we wound up celebrating my husband's birthday this year over the weekend, and my father and I went to the cemetery on the actual day. If you're close enough, I highly recommend doing that if she had a traditional burial. I've been amazed at the peace and gratitude I've felt by going to my mother's grave. I take pumpkins and gourds this time of year and a Christmas tree and poinsettas in December, etc. She loved holidays and Thanksgiving was her favorite, so I try to do something special out there for her. That may make you feel better too. Even if she was cremated or donated her body to science, you could go to a favorite place of hers and leave flowers or something that symbolizes her to you.

I'm glad you can go to your SIL's house. Believe me, they know this is going to be a rough time for you, so don't worry about if you cry or need to go be by yourself for a little while. You will probably find that being in different surroundings and talking to the others there help you tremendously. Don't pressure yourself by feeling like you must be full of holiday spirit -just tell yourself that you're going to go enjoy a good meal with family and that there are no expectations. Don't feel guilty if you have a better time than expected! Also don't be surprised if two days later you have an absolute breakdown at a very odd time. It's okay! Just remember, take it as it comes. Don't put expectations on yourself. Be prepared for it to feel weird, as I'm sure you are, but sometimes I think that helps too because it doesn't seem exactly like your normal, real celebration of that holiday. Good luck, and I hope you can find peace this holiday season.

***You may enjoy reading this blog from Mommy Tracked, an e-zine that I really love. When I got it and read it yesterday, I almost felt like I could have written it:

http://www.mommytracked.com/risa_green_one_year_anniversa...

I don;t truthfully have any advice for you, other than time helps in healing. My beloved Mother passed away, alone, on Thanksgiving day, coming on 3 years ago now. She had a bad cold, and the holiday is one that for years she pushed us adult kids to spend with our spouses families, then for myself, I did a nice lunch and visit with her over the long weekend. She and I talked very briefly on the phone in the later morning. She was resting, hacking away and had a Dr appt early afternoon the following day that my brother was taking her to.

She called me between 10am-11am every single day...we had a ring signal..if she had no time to chat she let it only ring 2X...if she wanted to chat a minute or longer..she let it ring till I picked up. We had done this every day for a long time. Friday came around, I was doing some work at home in my PJs...no call and it was after 11...but I wasnt sure what time her appt was and got busy doing my work. At 11:45 my brother called to tell me he found her. She had likely died soon after I talked to her the day before. I was the last one in the family to talk to her. We were devastated and its still hard for me, but eases a bit as the time passes. Holidays are hard for me now and before Christmas was our special time, her and I.

I go visit her quickly on Thanksgiving (even tho the actual date is different each year..)..we have a chat and I might bring her a fall flower and leave a letter tucked under her "note rock"..or I start the year of decorating her little tree with Christmas ornaments. Its my ritual to start the holiday season and to cope. You will find what works for you to make it work and find the joy again.

I wish you peace with the holidays

I think you should remember that grieving takes a long time. Talk to your husband about your concerns. Maybe make a plan to take a walk if you need quiet time. You could walk with someone or alone. You could even tell your SIL that if you are feeling really sad, you might go take a walk, or call one of your relatives for a few minutes. That way she will know what's up if you have to step out.

I think if you know that you can have a break in the day and not have to push yourself to be in the holiday spirit, then you might be able to relax and enjoy what you can of being with your in-laws. Just do the best you can and don't be too hard on yourself. It might help if you get involved in projects like putting out the food, cleaning up etc.

I am so sorry your mom has passed. May God comfort you.

I agree with the other ladies on trying to remember the good times. But also think about how you handle things. Are you the type that once you open the flood gates theres no stopping them? Do you prefer to cry with everyone or just enjoy the past and maybe start a new tradition in memory of your mom. Try talking to the family before hand. Im so sorry for your loss.

M.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
The holidays are always hard.
Doesn't matter which holiday. It's all hard.
In my family, we make a point of making a special dish that was loved by the people we've lost, using something that was given to us by them, talkiing about them and remembering happy things. That's what works for us. Yes, there are tears sometimes, but lots of laughter too. Aunt Belle would be so tickled we never have Thanksgiving without using her antique dish for pickles, we can laugh that someone would have been mortified if there are any lumps in the gravy. Things just truly never are the same without the person you love and miss so much, but we believe iin keeping people alive in spirit as much as we can. It does get a little easier as time goes on to do that.

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving!

Id do something or make something that is in keeping with her tradition for this holiday, i lost my mom 21 years ago, but my dad only 5 years ago, im not even 30 yet, but as the only woman left cooking in my family i take on thanksgiving dinner myself even though it is tradition in my family for the older women to tend to it.

I find it always helps to include some things in the holiday that were strictly loved by my parents. I get very sad around these days too, it doesnt really go away but it gets easier.

Talk about your mom on this day, and any other day you need to, i really do believe our loved ones are kept alive in our memories

What do you think she'd like for you to do? How might she go about it? Best wishes.

I understand, my dad passed away early last Dec. I'm doing ok, I don't think there is anything to dread, it's ok to be sad and I don't think anyone thinks you should be full of holiday cheer. Just don't get too depressed becasue your kids need you to be there for them. If you think it's getting bad get help immediately.

When I was 13 my grandfather died and my mom wasn't emotionally there for us for years. As soon as I knew my dad was dying I promised myself I wouldn't do that to my kids. Be as happy as you can, your mom wouldn't want you dreading holiday's becasue she passed just take time to remember your mom and be thankful for her!

I am so sorry for your loss. The first year is always the hardest but when you have kids you have this inner strength that comes out and helps you get through the holiday. My dad passed away 2 days after Christmas, I was 12 years old at the time and come from an old fashioned Italian family who believes in mourning for years but then when the grandchildren came Christmas told on that happy holiday spirit again. What my mom and I did every Christmas was went to the cemetery and spent time with my dad then did the family thing. Then when I got married my husband and I did the same thing and then when my daughter was in high school she heard this song by Steve Wariner called "Holes in the Floor of Heaven" which is about a boy who is 8 years old and his grandmother passes away, he is sad on his birthday, his mother tells him not to be said because there are holes in the floor of heaven and that his grandmother is watching him. The song goes on about how this boy gets married and his wife passes then when his daughter is getting married she tells him not to be said because her mother is watching them. Anyway now every holiday, birthday, or special event I go over to a picture of my dad and talk to him with that song playing in the background and I have even taken the CD with me to the cemetery and played it while I sit with both my dad and mom. I know it sounds silly but it really does help. Hope this helps for you too. Remember your mom will always be with you, the sun is her smile, the rain/snow/sleet are her tears, all together shining down on you letting you know she is with you.
Hugs to get you through Thanksgiving and the other holidays.

M.,
I'm sooooo sorry for your loss. We were/are in the same situation. It's been two years now though.
The first Thanksgiving I couldn't be in the house and was not in a place to be cooking for a large crowd or being all merry. My hubby daughters and I ended up staying at a hotel so we could grieve. Then at Christmas we did the big family gathering.
I'm glad to hear you're going to your sistee in laws. As for the other comment on it, yeah it might be good for you all to talk about the good times and happy thanksgiving memories. OR it might be too hard for you, if you need to go into another room and cry and rejoin in the feast when you're ready.
I just prayed for you and yours.
I like the quote on from a couple on Oprah, that time doesn't actually heal wounds but what you do with that time can help.
Take deep breaths... Good luck with Thanksgiving!!!
pammy

My FIL passed away last year on Halloween after a brief illness so on Thanksgiving & Christmas last year our loss was still very fresh. He was VERY close to my kids and he and my husband had gotten close as they both got older.

First, realize that feeling the loss is so normal & human and I'm not sure it should be stuffed down. You miss her becuase you loved her so much. You can be thankful that your mom was a loving mom and that you in turn can be a loving mom to your kids based on how you learned at her feet. We had a few bouts of tears last Thanksgiving - particularly my MIL and my kids - and we comforted eachother. We also tried to continue with the traditions we had always had - it just felt comfortable. We were comforted by remembering him telling my kids Happy Easter and asking about what they got in their Easter baskets and the kids (now teens) would roll their eyes and remind him it was not Easter Grandpa. We still prepared his favorite dishes and as we enjoyed them commented about how he loved them.

You mom is still with you through her legacy, heritage and the traditions that have been passed down to you and now to your kids. When you look around the table on Thanksgiving you can see her personality in her children & grandchildren - and know that her life has made a difference in that she had so much to do with your life - and now you have so much to do with your kids'.

We anticipate that this year will also be tough, but a little less so than last year. But we'll still miss him and still remember him by the goofy things he'd do with the kids and how he'd reach for a 3rd type of pie, etc. But we know that our family is made up of his personality. When my son tells a joke, or my daughter makes a certain look, or when my husband comments on something - we know he's still with us here.

Sorry. My Mom passed away when I was very young. I always tell people, remember the good times you had or are having with your parents. I always try and remember the good times and the smell of the good cooking that was in the house during the Holidays. Even today when I clean I always think of her, but good happy thoughts. So my suggestion would be think of her smiles and remember the goods days you had together. :) :) :)

My father passed away on Christmas eve of 2005. The following holiday season was of course extremely difficult. My family focused on my kids as a distraction but of course, the first year was the most painful. My mom didn't even put up a tree because she didn't want to fully celebrate just yet. Grieving in your own ways is okay. Don't force anything just yet.

Every year got easier turning the grief into remembering things my dad loved about the holidays and joking about how he was a nag in the kitchen preparing holiday dishes. Or how he hated getting presents. That helps us cope with our major loss as each christmas comes around.

Love and blessings to you and yours!

I am so very sorry! No matter what, it will be a rough day. I think it's good that you will be in a different place with different family than usual. Allow yourself a time to grieve that day, and do something special in honor of your Mother. If you feel overwhelmed during the day, excuse yourself to go for a walk, or take separate cars if you feel that maybe you would not want to stay the entire time.
Hugs to you and I am so sorry for your loss.

I understand. My grandfather's funeral fell on my birthday a couple of years ago and it really hurt. There were people that wanted to celebrate my birthday and I actually had some idiots come up to me at the funeral and say Happy Birthday! I'm still mad about that one! If it still hurts I'm going to tell you Its going to be super hard to get in the holiday spirit and you might get mad if someone says happy thanksgiving and then mentions your mom. You'd be surprised how many morons are out there that think they are saying the right thing. Guard your heart and if you need to cry then cry. I cried in the restaurant in front of the waiters after his funeral. It might even be best to stay in for thanksgiving to avoid what I had to go through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. and if anyone tells you happy thanksgiving that knows your situation tell em off for me too.

In my experience, the first of anything after a parent has died can be hard. My husband's father's anniversary is coming up and the other night he just started crying because he was listening to a song on his iPod that his dad liked - boom - just triggered the mourning that he hasn't felt in a few months.

I think the best things are to be aware of your moods, to let the grieving come, and to cultivate thankfulness for her and for the family you will be with on that day. Maybe you'll need to go for a walk alone - think ahead of what helps comfort you and build that in to the day.

M.,
My heart goes out to you and your family that has suffered such a loss. My mom passed away almost 13 yrs ago and it seems like just yesterday at times, but like forever ago at others. The most important thing to do in my opinion is to keep her memory alive. My mother's favorite holiday was Christmas. If it were up to me I wouldn't celebrate it....it is the hardest time for me to get thre. There was a time that I had our tree down the day after Christmas, but then I realized that I was taking away the joy from others because of my sadness. Think of all of the times you had laughing about things, the days you didn't want to let go of eachother as you held onto one another crying, and most importantly celebrate the life that she gave you. Pass the love she gave to onto others and that willl be the biggest reward of all. I will admit there are days that that it is easier that accept, but then there are days that I feel like I'm right back at that initial moment. It takes a whole lot out of you to get through it each time to realize that we have the strength within us to get thru this each time and the biggest reason is because our mom would want us to go on with our lives enjoying things. My mom was so happy to see that I was having a little girl so I could get back what I put her thru, well as luck would have it I ended up with two girls & I only hope they love me a quarter of the amount I loved my mom. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom past away 6 years ago and there are days I still cry because I miss her so much. She was truly my best friend. The holidays are always the hardest time. During the hoidays I think about what she would want for me. This was her favorite time of the year and I know she wouldn't want me to be sad so I think about all the good times we had together. Every year we would go Christmas shopping together and we would make something together for the women on her prayer group. My daughter would wrap all her Christmas presents for her each year and then they would go out to lunch together. There are just so many happy memories that I am so glad to have. It is what gets me through those rough times.
I bought a necklace with 2 hearts on it and on the days I want to feel close to her I put it on and hold on to the hearts. Also, I write letters to her and talk to her when I am driving. I just talk to her like I am on the phone with her. It may sound crazy but it is what helps me.

Remember she is watching over you and is with you in spirit.