Telling Fibs

Updated on May 14, 2007
B.B. asks from Quinton, AL
4 answers

I have a seven year old step-daughter that I have basically raised from the time she was three. Her father and mother divorced when she was two and she doens't have any memories with them being all together. Here is the problem. For the past year, she (daughter) has been telling some very tall tales to her mom, grandmother, and dad about me. I mean, things like I beat her, tell her that her mom doesn't care about her, that I'm mean and mistreat her. This is the thing, she is with me every night. We have a good time. Homework, play games...I even took her to the dentist today. I'm the one who makes all of her doctor's appointments, attends PTA, buys her clothes and make sure she is up to date with everything because I don't want her to ever feel left out at school. The lies are getting worse as months go on and I have had to literally fight for my husband to believe me. I have kept him on the phone, while she didn't know it so he could here how I get treated most of the time. She has been faking sickness so she can come home instead of staying in school, and my husband lets her. He keeps blaming it on the divorce, but how can you blame it on something she doesn't even remember. She blames me for it and I didn't even know her father when the divorce happened. I don't know what is going on when she is at her mom's on the weekends, but I'm stressing over my marriage. It's going to fall apart if her lying isn't curbed...he takes her side over mine constantly. Any advise?

Okay...I have suggested counseling. That's not flying. I have gotten with her mom, but to be quite honest, she's a good-time mom. She doesn't want my daugher unless it's to have fun time...not be a mom. AND my daughter DOES NOT want to go over there unless her mom's live in's boys are there. She says she has nothing to do. She throws temper tantrums if we try to encourage her to go over there. The only place besides home she wants to be is her Granny's...who is a source of the problem.

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So What Happened?

So, here is the update. I have talked to my husband about getting a small recorder. Usually with my daughter everything is fine until she gets on the phone with him, her mom or my husbands mother and that's when the lies start to fly. He agreed to the recorder so he can hear how she interacts and how much of a roll his mom is playing in the disrespect department. I picked up the phone one time and heard her tell my daughter that she doesn't have to mind me, I'm not her parent.
To the other's, thank you for the advise, some is going to come in handy.
To answer the other questions, my daughter's mother dumped my husband for one guy, then she got together with another after she married the man she dumped my husband for....then she went back to her husband and then left again for the man she left him for. It's crazy I know. But, my daughter goes over there when her live-in's boys are there, and I believe they range in age from 5 to 11. When she's there she stays over night, usually until Sunday evening when she comes home. Then she acts awful while her father is home and he gives into her whims and basically keeps me out of any room they are in for fear that she is going to say something mean, like she has in the past. "Go away! He's my daddy...you're not wanted." I get that alot. I cry...when you love people...well, I married thinking we were going to be a family, instead I stay clustered in the master bedroom...untill I'm told that the only reason I don't enteract with them is because I'm upset because I can't have a child of my own.
Anyway, I feel better now that he has consented to a recorder. Maybe, just maybe we can get the help we need now...maybe someone will believe me.

More Answers

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D.M.

answers from Biloxi on

Hi B., my name is D.. when you said she doesn't want to go to her birth mother's unless the live in is home or his sons? and if it is son's how old are they?? how often does she go over there and does she spend the nights when she goes over? Does your husband believe you at all now after hearing her on the phone? how does she treat you when no one else is around? how long have you been married? the grandmother, is she your husband's mother or the birth mother's mother?? how often does she go to her house?? sorry about all the questions but I need to know the answers so I can try real hard to help you with some good advice!!! waiting to hear from you! D.

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S.O.

answers from Nashville on

Oh, B.! My heart goes out to you; it sounds like you're having such a tough time right now. Have you tried either purchasing an inexpensive voice-activated tape recorder to keep in the family room (or in your pocket?). That way, whenever she says that you made a statement a/b her, her mom, etc, you'll be able to just push "play." It would mean a lot to get your husband to understand that this is a real problem to be dealt w/NOW, while she's still a little girl, rather than have her telling fibs as a teenager when they can grow & have big(ger) consequences like sex, drugs, drinking, etc.
My biggest suggestion would be purchasing a nanny-cam (or something similar). They aren't *too* expensive. The reasons I suggest this are several: (1) Your husband can watch the way you & she interact alone (2) SHE can be confronted w/the huge difference b/t reality & the stories she's telling & (3) IF your husband ever agrees to counseling, there MAY be something on the tapes that will help the therapist understand what's going on.
I know it sounds extreme to suggest TAPE RECORDING & VIDEO RECORDING, but you're in a tough spot here. Your marriage will be in trouble if you're constantly disagreeing & if her lies a/b you continue to grow. You NEED (& deserve) your husband to be on your side & support you. Indisputable EVIDENCE is the only way I can think of to accomplish this. (&, like I mentioned, could help w/any future counseling)
***The other thing I wanted to ask a/b was a statement you made a/b her only wanting to go to her mom's if the live-in's boys are there ... how old are these boys? How much supervision do they get? How long has this live-in been around & do her lies correspond to his (& his boys') arrival(s)? I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything, but had to ask since you mentioned it ... could something be going on there & she's acting out against you b/c she knows she's safe w/you?***
I wish you luck & send positive thoughts. Best wishes to you; it really sounds like your heart is in the right place.

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J.B.

answers from Knoxville on

The grandmother is the root of the problem. First your husband has to believe this. It is up to you two to make the rules of the house, not your mother-in-law!!! Tell her regardless what her Granny tells her, when she is at your house she WILL obey all adults, etc.

Second, she is dealing with anger and resentment.
She needs her biological mother, yet doesn't want to go over there.
At the same time instead of projecting her anger out to her grandmother and her mom, who she knows isn't morally correct on their statements, she takes the resentment and anger out toward you because when she does that, she gets positive attention from those three and gets positive attention from you all the time. The child needs serious long term counseling in order to resolve the issues.

If I can be of further assistance please let me know.

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D.C.

answers from Birmingham on

I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I can tell that your having a tuff time, and if you ever need to vent let me know. You'll get through this.

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