Very Negative Mother - Ruining My Marriage

I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than a book I read called "Toxic Parents". I didn't have the guts to confront my mom, but maybe you will. :P I just try not to be around my mom very much.

Get the book (or book on CD) - "Boundaries" by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend. I think telling you to read this book is the best advice I can give you.

I know it is hard on all of you, but she will continue if you don't put a stop to it.
Just tell her if she doesn't have something positive to say about you, your husband, your children, then you simply aren't going to speak to her. When she starts in a gentle, "Mom, I am not going to listen to anything negative, if you have something positive to say then we can talk." If she starts getting upset and continues tell her good-bye and walk away. End the phone call.
Explain to her you appreciate her help, are thankful for everything she does for you, but it is unhealthy for you and your children to hear constant complaining. It isn't healthy for any of you and if it continues you will not be able to have her around you and the children. If you are with her and she starts in remind her about positive not negative and if she continues just pack up and leave if you are at her house, if at your home leave the room and take the children with you.
It will add some strain for a couple of weeks but the benefits will be positive for all of you. It sounds to me like she needs some help and is unwilling to seek it. I will pray for her.

As hard as it is I would let your mother know that her behavior is unacceptable. That if she is going to treat your family this way she will not see you or your family or even since she is older once she starts in, if she doesn't stop let your family know it's time to go home. If they are over let them know it's time to leave. Explain to them why and then stick to it. You have to make the choice and then NOT back down! By you allowing her to act like this, even though you stick up for your family you keep going back for more. Either she will miss you enough to change her ways or she will continue on the same path. It's not fair to your husband, or children for you to subject them to this behavior. You are teaching your children that to accept harsh words just because they are coming from someone they love.
I know it's hard. We had to do this with my sister and mother-in-law. They are 2 peas in a pod!

A.,

Your mother is nearing the end of her life. Don't cause a rift between you that could haunt you and make you feel guilty for the rest of yours.

That said. She's not going to change now and nothing you say will make a difference. You have to be the bigger person and let it go. Don't give any credence to what she says. You know how she is. Don't even try to refute or defend yourself. It won't change her opinions, her actions, or her personality at this late date. Just find a one size fits all response to everything she says that isn't caustic or hurtful, such as "Yes, mother, I know how you feel." That's it. Just hear here and let it go. Don't debate it. Move on. Say it to everything negative she says. If you want to add, "...but we're going to do what we want to do" or "...but it's our choice/life/etc."

My mother is 79 and can be mean, nasty, and spiteful. She has said things in anger to her sister who has been so kind and giving toward her, such as "I'm going to take a knife and stab her and twist it like this..." To my son, her grandson, she has said "You're worthless. You're never going to amount to anything." She has always been negative but I think it just gets worse in old age and poor health and suffering.

It is very hard, but I just have to ignore what she says or it will ruin my life. Of course, it helps to visit infrequently, which is probably in your best interest, too.

However, A., if she says hurtful things to your husband and children whenever she's around them, then you should not feel guilty keeping them apart. Just you alone visit her briefly as is necessary and that's the best you can do. Keep your conscience clear. She is not going to change now. Good luck.

I know you have tried telling her, but this is what I have to do with my mother. I have told her, and now every time she starts I just stop her and tell her this is not a good time, or just to stop. She finally is understanding that she cannot control everything. Let her know that you will not see her as much if she continues to act this way because life is too short and you are doing the best that you can. My mother is younger than yours is, but it seems to work. She still wants to do it but I just stop her in her tracks. Remind her that you are an adult and not a child anymore.
Good luck.

First, read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. It is a guidebook for standing up for yourself in situations like this. You have told her, so she knows. Next tell her what will happen if she chooses to continue her behavior...like, she will not get to see her family. Then stick to it! She must be getting something out of her behavior, so it works for her. She just has to know that if she wants to be such a fussbudget, she will have to do it all by her onesies since you won't subject your family to it anymore. But do go to the library of bookstore and read the Boundaries book.

Hi A., I have not been in your situation but can you tell your mother that if she continues to talk like this you will have to not see her as often as you do now. Also tell her that even though she wants to feel negative it hurts you and it is not becoming to her. Has she always been this way? At her age I am sure that causes more pressure on you so pray and seek Gods help. Bless You K.

Hi A.,

You need to understand that if you continue listening to your mother and giving her the attention she needs to continue saying these hurtful things and judging the family that you are part of, she will never stop. You should not feel guilty for setting her straight. Whether she is 86 ir 66, she needs to learn not to talk to others that way. She may live another 15 years...do you want to live all 15 of them in misery? Besides, if you go where I am about to tell you~~ you can finally hae a decent relationship with both of your parents. I am unsure of what exactly you meant when you spoke of them helping you. How? No matter how they are helping you, I am not so sure that it is all of her doing that is "helping" you. Dad has something to say about things too. Surely she is hell for him too- but on a daily basis. If you write again, be clear on the help that you mentioned, so the advice given to you can be more tuned in to your situation. With what you have said so far, Here's exactly how I would handle it....and remember- it is for everyone- you will be helping everyone. The kids can have a chance to have a close loving relationship with their grandmother. So here we go....

YOU HAVE TO STOP ALLOWING HER TO DO THIS.

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER FIRMLY- MOM, YOU ARE VERY HURTFUL AND SELFISH. I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO LET YOU HURT MY FAMILY AND MYSELF. WE WILL NEVER BE YOU. YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE DUE TO SO MUCH NEGATIVITY. I REALIZE THIS HAS BECOME A NASTY HABIT THAT I HAVE LET YOU GET AWAY WITH FO R SO LONG, BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM DOING EVERYONE A DISERVICE TO CONTINUE HEARING YOU OUT. FROM NOW ON, WHEN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO START IN- THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE, I WILL EITHER HANG UP IF WE ARE ON THE PHONE, OR I WILL LEAVE IMMEDIATELY IF I AM IN YOUR PRESENCE. SONER OR LATER YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT I CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO DO THIS TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. I LOVE YOU MOM, AND I HATE FOR THIS TO COME BETWEEN US, BUT I ALSO HATE LIVING MISERABLY AND I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE MY FAMILY. I HAVE TO BELIEVE AFTER TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS IN THIS WAY, THAT YOU WILL SOON BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT THAT IT IS MY LIFE, AND YOU WILL LET ME LIVE IT. YOU WILL LOVE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE MY HUSBAND, THAT IS FINE. BUT YOU DO HAVE TO QUIT BASHING US ALL. IF YOU CONTINUE, WE WON'T BE AROUND FOR YOU TO BASH.

Then give her a big hug and kiss and tell her you love her. Leaving might be a good ida at this point so it can soak in. She needs time to think about this, and what you have said and how you have said it. Hopefully in a week or so, she will have come to her senses and call yo to apologize, telling you that when she bashes your life, it has been covering the issues that she doesn't want to deal with in her own life. That is what it boils down to.

One more thing....STOP relaying anything that she says or has said to anyone. Her words have become poisonous to everyone in your home. There is no need to hurt anyone by repeating her words. Would you want to hear what she has (said about you in the past)told your oldest child about you, or are you ready to let it go...and stop paying her any mind? You have to be just over it. YOU HAVE TO STOP TOO! Help everyone else in your family take on the same attitude--or you will all be miserable.

Good luck and stay strong and POSITIVE!!

You are NOT going to change your mother so don't try.

Your first statement speaks volumes, "My parents are a huge help to me in many ways -- to the point I feel obligated to do and let them do for me." What does this mean?

If you are needing their financial and emotional help to manage your life than there is something wrong. It sounds like you are in your late 30's/early 40's. You shouldn't NEED anything from your parents. That's not to say that they should be out of your life, but you may be too dependent on them.

Perhaps, counseling for yourself would be the best route at this point. Your mother probably feels entitled to kick you around if you are still playing the role of the dependent daughter.

Some of the books suggested by others would be a good start.

Communicate w/ her ONLY when necessary. When she starts it, tell her you're not going to listen to it and LEAVE or ask her to. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DESTROY YOUR FAMILY AND CONTINUALLY TELL HER THAT.

If she wants to be miserable, she can be miserable ALONE. That's not just being mean. Life is too short...and remind her of that to focus on the negative all the time. It's a choice she's making. You're chosing to surround your family with positive. WALK AWAY!!!

When she tells you how cruel you are, remind her that her cruelity is in the negativity and when she makes the choice to change that, she's more than welcome to become involved in the family again.

If she feels the need to express herself, let her write it down on the computer, write it in a notebook, talk to a counselor, record it on a tape or some other method to vent without destroying the lives of others. I ALWAYS feel better when I vent on paper. Besides that, I then review it and pray about it before talking or giving it to someone. Sometimes it leaves my hands, sometimes it doesn't, seems to ALWAYS get revised and I feel more "prepared" when I do face that person again. Maybe you should do the same. I ALWAYS feel better!

When an argument is brewing, take note to stop it before it goes any further. TAKE CHARGE!!!

I think if this is affecting your kids, you should approach her and say, “I know you don’t like my husband/mother/in-laws, which hurts me, but you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT talk that way in front of the kids.” Tell her how hurtful it is for them to hear their family spoken about like this. Maybe she will see she has been crossing a line when you frame it like it’s in the best interest of her grandchildren. Also, can your father talk to her about her behavior?

If not, then I guess the only thing to do is limit contact with her. She’s forcing you to choose between your family’s mental well-being and hers… so, you do need to choose. Don’t blame yourself for her actions. If you give her the opportunity to change and she doesn’t then she is essentially choosing her poor attitude over the love of her family. If you feel guilty, suggest that you only see her by yourself and that your husband and children stay home. Perhaps only your father should be invited to family events.

Sorry you are going through this.

I would just tell her tat your priority is your own family now and her negative comments are making it difficult. Take a break and see if things aren't better in 6 months or so.
Good Luck!

My suggestion to you is that if there is no medical reason for her behavior. Tell your mom if she will insist talking to you like she does that you won't be seeing her. I had to do this to my dad also. I only would see him 1 time every two weeks. He decided having me in his life was more important then his bad mouth. I wouldn't take the kids or husband around her and just keep in touch. It is a very hard thing to do but if you continue to see her she will not stop and you will loose your marriage and your mother isn't worth your happiness. Stay in touch with your dad though, he sounds like a nice guy.

I would make it clear to your mother that as long as she is negative, you will keep to yourself and your family....apparently you haven't got your priorities straight... your family should come first.
If you allow her to break up your marriage/family, what will you have left when she is gone?
15 years ago, when I was recovering from cancer, I had to walk out of my mother's presence many times because I refused to be in a negative situation for my health's sake.
I was lucky because her pastor took it upon himself to let her know how her attitude was affecting me (she lived with us) and from then on she was a different person up until she died here at home at the age of 102.
She needs to know that you will NOT tolerate the criticism and negtativity any more....up front....and that you will continue to see your father alone if that is what it takes.(This means that at the first negative word you hang up the phone or walk out of the room/house/restaurant or wherever.)
You have let this go on for far too long.

Hello, she sounds very much like my mother. Very controlling. I married my high school sweetheart and although we have been together for 34 plus years my mother constantly cuts him drown. She honestly I think hates all men. Which is strange because she has 5 grandsons and 2 greatgrandsons. (She doesn't count our youngst which would make it 3 greatgrandsons- he'ours but not by birth. My mother is a very hateful person and everything is her way period. If I told her something even as a child she would never belive me unless an adult confirmed it. She believes me to be stupid. Even her sisters have come to my defense.
I am sorry but there will be nothing you will be able to do to change her. With her age maybe you could speak with her doctor especially if it's gotten worse. Her mental health could be in question.

Hello,

You have been married to your husband for 19 years. I would rather to save the marriage than put up with your mother's negative attitudes. You need to tell your mom that you will be with your husband no matter what she thinks or says because you love your husband, and she has to accept it. You can tell her that you will continue visiting her if she stop being so negatives, and you want a peace visitation than arugments. I hope it will work out for you all. Good luck.

I also recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr. John Townsend which should be available at your local library. Dr. Townsend also has written "Who's Pushing Your Buttons - Handling the Difficult People in Your Life" which might be helpful as well though I would read "Boundaries" first.

You can't change your mother but you do have control over setting appropriate limits with her.

K.

This one is right up my ally. My Mom is in her 80s and very negative. I must tell you that she had dementia, too. She has been that very negative for years or very controlling. If someone has something wrong, she has it or had it. If something don't go her way or you correct her in anyway about something, she gets mad and says that she don't care anymore, no one loves her and may as well be dead. If she tries to control you by telling you what you should do and you don't do it, she says what's the use, no one loves her or wants to hear what she has to say anyway. After I figured out how to be strong enough without feeling guilty all the time, I started to take control of my own life. When she suggests, I listen, but that don't mean that I do it. If she complains, I listen for a little bit, look at a clock and tell her I have to run, I have to be somewhere or exspecting a call or something. When she talk negative or puts people down, I listen for a little bit and then tell her not to worry about it, it will work out. If she continues, I tell her that I have to run, whether on the phone or in front of her. I have gotten quite good at tuning her out sometimes without guilt. It took some time, but I can do it now. I hate to do it, but I feel for my own sanity, I have no choice. I also have a brother who is understanding and I can talk to. Him and my sister-in-law have been there for me. I could never do anything right or my inlaws either for years. I finally got control. It's not easy, but sometimes it has to be done.

Gee, sounds like my mother. She has been this way all of my life. She had my life all planned out including where I was going to meet my husband, what I was going to where and where I was to get married. Guess what, it didn't work. I tried also to tell her how much I loved her but that I was going to continue doing it my way. I would just have to cut all ties every now and then and then she would remain away and would send my stepfather over with a peace offering of sorts. She would try to take over down the road and I would again cut it off. One time, she had told me on Saturday that she was going back to where she lived which was an hour away. On Tuesday she called and asked why I hadn't come to see her. I explained that she had said that she was going home and I didn't have the money to drive up there. I was promptly informed that she was still in town and that I should have known that if I really cared for her. After having her yell at me for about 15 minutes to the point where you could hear her through the phone across the room, I finally stood up for myself. I told her that she really should go back to her house. The road went both ways and she should not remember the way back for some time. I also added a couple more things I won't add. But I was 35 years old and it was the first time I had ever stood up for myself to her. I think it was about time. I lost my fear of loosing her that day. I learned that I did have a life and could manage without her nagging. I had recently gotten a divorce, had two boys and a house to take care of. I managed from then on very well, by myself.

You have to learn how to stand up for yourself and stand firm. You will be surprised how good it will make you feel once you do it. Don't let her buffalo you any longer. Remember what is important and I will guess that your marriage is. It might take a couple of times like it did with my mother but she finally realized that she had lost her power over me. After that, she didn't give up, but wasn't so insistant about all the negative talk, especially around the kids. I told her that if she wanted to be around my kids she would have to stop the negative talk about their father and his family. It can be done.

Karen