Parenting Adult Children

I guess what I'd like, as the adult child, is to be asked, "Would you like my opinion about.....?". That way, if they do, go ahead and share, if not, try to detach from it.

As I am in that situations myself..I have 3 moms...The mom that just bust in and tells me what I shoud do...( IM 54) I do hear her, but Im not going to be treated like a kid..lol..The other two moms...They dont just barge in and tel me what I shoud and should not do...That gives me the door to go to them and we discuss all sides on any issue in my life..I love it...My kids are grow also..(3-2 b and 1g)I have a good report..I offer my advice if they want to hear it. I give them the option...and most of the time they want to hear it..then its their option to continue to talk..you want to be treated as an adult when you are an adult and I try my best..I dont want to repeat what one mom does. That makes walls and I dont want walls and so far I dont have any walls...two nights ago ant 11pm..my oldest 26 had a fender bender . his first one...and called me asap and said what do i do and i told him...Now he knows..Made me feel good as I know he can trust my opinions when needed.

i am not a mother of adult children but i am an adult child of a VERY opinionated mother and we've had many rounds with her advice. what works best for us is she will come right out and say she wants to give me advice. i know it sounds simplistic but getting myself mentally ready for it always makes it easier. if i think it's not something she should be getting involved in i can tell her and she's learned to be okay with that. otherwise, i listen to her and let her know i appreciate it. she's really great with doing that with her opinion too.

How fabulous of you to be asking this question! So many parents try to maintain a totalitarian roll over their adult children, and others act as if their children don't exist anymore.

I am NOT a parent of adult children, but my mother-in-law is, and she perhaps is the ideal example of how a parent parents once her kids are grown (and she must be good...remember, she's my mother-in-law). When her children grew up, she drew a line around herself...to keep herself from being the parent she was when they were kids, as if she knew they would no longer need her to clean their rooms, etc. She has consistently made it clear that she loves us (yes, even the ones who've married into the family) NO MATTER WHAT, and will only offer advice if we ask for it. When she visits our house (and sometimes it's for weeks), she doesn't comment on our arrangement of furniture, reorganize our closets, or tell us how to raise our own children. Even when she does offer a suggestion, ("I think your son might be ready to be potty trained") it is only a suggestion, and we know without her saying it that her opinion of us does not depend at all upon our following her suggestions.

Do her kids still make mistakes? Yes. Are we perfect? Not by any means. But the fact that we know she loves us unconditionally...and our kids too...makes it much more likely we will ask her for advice. And when we do (more often than you might think) we know she won't be looking over our shoulder to see whether we do what she says.

I'm not sure if this helps, but the fact that you are asking this question makes it clear that you care very much about your family...more than you care about being "right." Know that your kids will still make mistakes, as will you, and the more you accept yourself and them with all the imperfections that come with them (and you), the happier all of you will be.

I wish you well!

Hi M.,
I am a parent/grandparent with three adult children. I do not offer my opinion unless solicited by the children. I do offer experience if the conversation grants, however. I believe it is wise to allow your grown children to be adults and connect with me as any adult might. My three are extremely close to me. They have also experienced dysfunctional moments in our lives together. You may believe that you have good advice to give on parenting, finances, and household tips, but believe me these wisdoms may not be appreciated unless you are asked to participate. My advice is to love them and allow them to find their own way in life. You don't have to agree with everything they do, just support them and connect with them.
Best to you.
J. S

I've been in more of a parenting role to my younger sister and have an idea of the frustration you feel when someone you love is doing something you believe is wrong/inefficient, etc. but offering unsolicited opinions isn't the way to go.

By way of example, my sister has never found a good financial decision she cared to make. In fact, if there is a good decision and a bad decision she will actually go the extra mile and find an even WORSE financial decision. In the last two months she's spent $1500 on designer purses; she has no savings; no retirement plan she contributes to; and she can barely pay her bills. I could tell her to take her purse and shoe money and use the money more responsibly, but it would do absolutely no good. Not only would she not take my advice, but she would be ticked off that I meddled.

What do I do? I give her my advice when she asks for it. I don't lend or give her money. (I'm not a fan of rewarding bad behavior.) And I keep my yap shut (sometimes by biting very firmly down on my tongue) and hope that she'll find her way eventually.

M.,

It sounds like you really care about your children, but as you did say they are grown and adults now responsible for their own decisions. This is coming from someone who does have trouble not dishing out unsolicited advice and find myself biting my tongue. I have found that listening, really actively listening can help a great deal. Often times people need to vent their problems to someone in order to find their own solutions (often suggestions you may have offered. I have found that really trying to focus on what they are saying not what I have to say towards them helped me.

Also, my mother very lovingly has a lot of advice to offer when I only need an ear to listen and sometimes shoulder to cry on. I would eventually ask her opinion if she gave me the chance, and it would be taken better I am sure. It is very hard to talk to her sometimes when I say "my baby is not sleeping" and I just want to talk first then she unloads about what exactly will fix my problem. On the other hand my mother-in-law is so careful not to give out advice that I often find myself asking "what do you think Jenny?"

If you have something that you think is very helpful to tell your adult children maybe ask "Do you want to know what I think?" or "Would it be ok if I offered a suggestion?" That way they can say no and if they say yes they will take it to heart more and not resent you for "interfering".

I am sure your children love you for your concern and desire to help but I would say to watch for where they have drawn lines and stick to them.

I hope this helps.

Your story is similar to mine in that I, too, married young, had a son (now grown) and divorced by the time I was 21. Only I never remarried. However, I throughly enjoy my relationship with my son. He is quiet, soft spoken and still unmarried. I can't always read him. I use intuition. I just start talking about "life" and what people and myself do in various areas, levels and stages of development. My son doesn't ask my advice. I just love to talk....mostly about me and my experiences. One day he paid me a wonderful compliment. He said that I always seem to know what to say without him telling me what he needs. I was honored. I try to imagine myself at his age and I know no one could tell me what to do. I didn't even know what to ask, much less know what to do with the answer. Having learned the hard way, I also picked up a few insights. Listen to your gut. It never lies. And listen to your children. They're behavior will always tell on them. We speak one thing, but act another. So I watch my son. Listen to the tone in the voice. That's another clue. And if you're open hearted and minded - you'll know exactly what to say - and sometimes the best thing is to say nothing. People always hear silence. If you're asked why your "quiet"...just smile, give a hug and tell them lovingly, I was just caught up watching you. You could tell them - you're so much like me. Then get ready for the questions......you'll be surprised where they will take you.

A bit on me. Single working mother living alone. Recently laid off from my job and looking into all the options I have to grow some more.

The Lebanese have the right idea. (my husband is Christian Lebanese). They develop a friendship with their teenage children- they don't treat them as kids any more. This continues into adulthood. They don't parent any more, but become friends, so there is a lot of give and take in the relationship. Like my son - he's 20 now, and I help him with advice and guidance when I can, but if he doesn't want it, I have to step back and let him make his own mistakes. It can be very painful to watch. I pray a lot.

You can't parent an adult. They are adults. Hopefully you will be friends enough so you can try to prevent them from making mistakes, but if they don't want it, there is nothing you can do about it, just the same as with a girlfriend.

Having a mother who is an amazing parent to me as an adult child, and a mother-in-law who is NOT, I can definitely say "stay out of their business unless they ask." I value my mother's opinion and she gives it to me when I ask for advice. She is comforting, loving, patient, and when I don't ask for help she does not intrude. I'm sure there have been times that she felt like I should do something different, but all I ever hear from her is how proud she is of me to see me as a mother and wife. That makes me what to open up to her more and share in her wisdom.

On the other hand, my mother in law can NOT stay out of my husband's life on anything. She is overbearing, manipulative and costantly needing to know everything that is going on. She tells me how I should parent my daughter, she gives my husband guilt trips if he doesn't call often enough, she passive-agressively tells me that she doesn't see her granddaugther often enough...it gets old!! And it defintely does NOT make me want to open up to her.

Just have confidence in how you raised your children. They will do what they feel is best, and it will not always be the right choice - but that is what life is all about.

I am also sruggling with this BUT I have found that asking in advance if they would like my opinion helps. I am also told no and I respect that (it is hard to do sometimes) but i find that this is the easist thing to do. I have also found myself just giving it when I can't hold it back with that no so great "Mom, You do realise I am all grown up now don't you?" responce. Our jobs are not done when they true 18... our jobs are to prepare them for the rest of there lives. I also give my son stories about things which relate to whatever he is going through and hope they help him in making decisions for himself and my grandson. Good luck, it is a hard place to be in.. that place of being a mother and hoping we gave them the right tools to make great decisions and the place of not wanting them to make the wrong choice and get hurt where we can't kiss that bo-bo anymore or make it all better.
Wanda BH

Hi M.-

My parents have faced this challenge in the last several years with my brother who's in his late 40's. As a parent, you never stop being a parent even when your children are middle aged. You want to continue to help them especially if you see that they are making bad choices or heading down a terrible path. What I recommendeded to my parents is, craft the message you want to convey as a "suggestion" vs. "this is what you should do". Since your kids are adults, this really is all you can do...give them suggestions. Whether they choose to listen or try it out, it's all up to them and they are ultimately responsible for their own choices & consequences. It is hard to sit by the sidelines even as a sister and watch my brother make very poor decisions. Each time, I want to rescue him before he walks into the "burning building" but I would end up being an enabler and he would never grow and learn. We all learn from our mistakes and we need to actually experience them in order to grow and be a better person.

Keep an open door policy where your kids will feel that they can still come to you for love even if they don't follow your suggestions and end up failing but be careful that you don't become an enabler where they feel they can keep making bad choices and you'll always rescue them. This won't help them or your grandchildren. We all have to learn to be accountable for ourselves. Unfortunately for some, it takes longer than others. Learning it later is better than never learning it at all.

Good luck and best wishes!

how can anyone say how to parent adult children. The times of today are very different, than when we were their age. You can only hope they will make good choices,but not always the same ones we would have made, i too had a broken marriage,with children, i must say after some rough times both of them seem to have it together, and have lives of their own, no matter how close we are to the kids, they form lives of their own, and we neeed to keep our own lives , alive with interest of our own...

The fact that you are even asking advice on how to continue to parent your adult children shows you are a willing and caring mom.
If more parents stopped to consider the 'proper' way to approach their adult kids, as you are, I am sure they would be more welcomed into their childrens lives. Delivery is everything in any communication.

The prior response is right on. My mom is the BEST at being a good parent of adult children. She does not step in or offer advice unless asked. She might model a different attitude if mine needs adjusting...like dealing with my children differently. But she is NEVER critical. I consider her one of my best friends! I think it's hard to go from "boss" to "advocate", but that's what we have to do. I find that with my own adult daughter, I also have to be careful not to "criticize" or say anything in a way that even sounds critical. I think our kids sometimes have to make their own mistakes....it's hard to watch for sure.

M., I've been struggling with this too. I have one daughter, whom I adopted around age 12. She was my foster child for the 6 years before that. She was emotionally disturbed and still has major emotional issues. This has caused me to think that I need to teach her about what she missed as a child, even tho she's an adult.

She has 2 children. I just love being a grandma and grandmothering feels natural to me. I had a good role for being a grandma. My daughter has a different family background, dysfunctional in major ways. It's taken us 7 years to work out a satisfactory adult relationship.

She says she does not need a parent. She needs a friend (that's to be me) and that she doesn't want advice unless she asks me for it. She wants me to just listen to her. After years of struggle I've finally learned how to just listen, literally. No questions; just a nod or once in awhile a sympathetic comment. I've been mostly successful in doing this for several months now and she is beginning to ask me what I think. I'm careful to make my statement generic. I would do this sort of thing instead of I think you should do this. Or I've read this or seen this work. Before I make a statement I'm careful to understand what she's actually asking by putting her statements and question in a short, again neutral, summary. Sometimes I"ve misunderstood and when my answer doesn't address her issue she gets frustrated.

I have to be even more careful with my ex-son-in-law. I don't see him often which helps but I do wonder how he treats my grandson in his home. I'm thinking of arranging a way to spend time with him and his live-in girlfriend. Perhaps meet at a McDonalds. I would really like to see their home and how my grandson fits there. I think it's important to know about his life with his father to make his transition between the two homes easier. But my daughter says it's none of my business. She says she doesn't want to stir things up by asking. Her ex is more sensitive to anything that he thinks is criticism than my daughter is.

IN short, empathetically listen and only give advice in the form of information or this is what I'd do or this is what I read or saw someone else do. It's difficult.

I've read in many places that step-fathers should keep their relationships with step-children a personal one and not get into discipline or advice directly with the "child." It sounds like this is working with your husband.

I don't understand this not wanting information from parents by grown children. I relied on my mother often as a sounding board and to share my ideas. Not wanting info from parents is getting common. My friends have the same difficulties.
I suspect some of it's the result of the loosening of family ties as a result of the societal idea that our children should be independant and are actually on their own too early in life. That is the first sentence and I'll stop before I get on my soapbox. :):)

Anyway, My daughter and I are getting along well and I think that I'm actually giving her more info and am a greater influence on what she does now that I've stopped talking so much.

Good luck to you.

Here is an addendum that may or may not be related. My parents didn't divorce but we often lived in the tension of their anger. After becoming adults my brother identified with our father and thought my mother was the cause of the anger. He returned to live with my parents when their health failed. He changed then and understood that my mother wasn't the fault. Unfortunately he switched to thinking it was my father's fault. This has caused some friction among us adult children which lessoned after their death.

My 3 brothers are not married now and do not have children. The younger two did consult with my parents. They also lived with them off and on. It was like 2 extremes.

I could see that your children could possibly being acting out family dramas with you. But I do not know. It's just an idea.

Feeling shut out by our children when there are grandchildren is quite painful. I might suggest that you focus on the grandchildren. My 7 yo granddaughter spends Friday night and Saturday with me. She asks questions and I hopefully get in some good parenting added to my daughter's base. She trusts me and hopefully will always come to me when she has questions/difficulties.

I see myself as a support person for my daugher and grandchildren. Support means being available when they want information as well as showing pride, approval, and love to all of them. I guess that means taking a lot of who I am (a problem solver and action taker)out of the relationship. I haven't found a good balance with that. I have to consciously remind myself to not offer advice or say anything that my daughter might see as controlling her. I work on being a benign presence. I picture the plump grandma who bakes cookies, reads stories, rocks kids. That is a new way of thinking of me.

A last note! My parents and my father's brother and wife had the same difficulties with my grandparents. In the early years I remember them arguing. I can actually see myself in a crib in the living room with my mother and grandmother talking across me in irritated/angry tones. I hear stories of how the generations didn't get along and especially how my grandmother didn't accept their son's wives. By the time I was in school they had learned how to get along. I never heard my grandmother saying anything that sounded like criticism or advice.

Somehow we grandparents have to find a way to speak so that our children feel supported and praised instead of criticized. I didn't think I was being critical by my daughter, feeling insecure as a parent felt that I was. I learned a new way of talking.

Good luck to you. Possibly the role of grandmother is difficult because we continue to act as a parent. We have a different role now.

Mandi E's response is exactly what I would have said.

My best to you! I'm a mom and a granny who's very integrated into my grandboy's life, and I would never intentionally do anything to put my welcome in my daughter and son-in-law's home at risk. They know I admire and respect them both. They know they can ask me for any kind of advice, and they occasionally do. If they don't, I keep my wise and brilliant opinions to myself. They have just as much right to learn through error as I do, and I must acknowledge that it's still (sigh) the most effective way for me to really learn a lesson.

I have made only one exception to this rule, when my 1 1/2-year-old grandson and his mommy were slowly turning mealtimes into force-feeding matches. I waited for a couple of months, quietly watching the escalation. I finally became convinced that my daughter didn't notice the pattern that was developing, and I blurted out one day how uncomfortable I was watching this power struggle. I felt bad at my lack of restraint, but it seemed not to be too big a deal, because it wasn't my habit. I also apologized.

I later asked if I could share my observations about what I thought I was seeing. I made it clear that I didn't expect her to take me up on it unless she wanted to. She was willing to hear my thoughts, and it has made a positive difference. And I am back to practicing restraint, at least until next time.

M., as a 26 year adult child, I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. My mother who never raised me or my brother had a BAD habit of telling me how to live my life and what I should be doing... but my brother who was really close to her for years.... starting growing apart from their relationship when she started doing him the same way.... basically said... If everytime you called or spoke with someone, the only thing they had to offer was critism you would eventually quit calling and that's the way it was with my mother.

Now my dad and my hero, well if I need his advice... I do not hesitate to call and ask... or if there is something going on in my life and I feel that he may be a valuable resource, I use his knowledge for the situation.

However he does not butt into my life and critize my every move.

So my advice would be this...

Occasionally offering advice is one thing... but butting into thier decisions and their life is totally different. If your daughter's family makes a decision that you do not agree with, you can address your opinion, but do so in a non-volitile way, and definately do not do so in front of any of her family. And remember, we have to make to our own mistakes.. but most of the time we will listen to our parents, especially if they're making a valid point.

If you are a part of the conversation... you can always ask "Well have you ever thought about it this way..." or "what if ...."

And remember to tell them that you love them, still offer hugs and tell them if they need you for anything to call... and if we need you... trust me we won't hesitate to call.

Good Luck and God Bless,
J.

Not a parent of adult children, but I am a daughter to one, and the family spokesperson when it comes to saying what needs to be said.
It always depends on so many factors what/if you say anything. The two main ones are the personality of the child, and the seriousness of the situation.
If you must say something, ALWAYS express your love, your genuine concern, and your desire to not cause problems, before and after your comments. Its important to not blame, or accuse. Best to assume they know and are working on whatever you are worried about and address it in a way that says you noticed the struggle but arent faulting them for it.
the "because I love you" phrase is often helpful.
Honestly though, like you said, you raised them and they are now on their own and adults. BUT you are not perfect so they didnt perhaps learn all that they needed too. Perhaps there are things you can still teach them. If you are a believer, prayer is a powerful tool to use in helping your children, and finding guidence as to what to say or do. I can imagine that is is very hard to watch your adult children struggle, and make mistakes that will only make their lives harder. Good Luck, Jen

Being an adult child I find that now as an adult it is not my parents responsibility to parent me anymore. Of course my mom will always be a mother to me but after having my child 3 yrs ago our relationship has changed. I know she has ser opinion of what I should do & she knows that as an adult I will do what I want to do. It saves arguments & energy on her part to release the responsibilities of telling me what to do & just wait for me to ask. sometimes I ask her thoughts & don't qite get what i am looking for other times I really am glad I asked. It seems as I get older I value my parents opinion & am more likely to listen to them now becauses I don't feel like either of my parents are telling me what to do like I'm a child still, instead they're offering sound words of wisdom &advice because they've been there before leaving the final decision up to me. I am never scared that they will be upset at me for doing something different or other than their choice of action becauses the love and support they gave as a child is still there which makes it more comfortable to talk. They're always my parents so I know that some of the things they tell me will always be in a paternal nature but the free range to do me allows me to truly listen to what they think.

I am 31 with two kids. My mother gives her opinion on many things in my life, and I fully expect her to. I can't imagine someone not saying something, especially when it may be helpful information. I don't however, think certain things should be said like, "YOU SHOULD DO THIS...YOU NEED TO DO THAT..." which comes across as bossy and I immediately shut off when I hear this. Just try to think about how you word things. No one likes to be told what to do and I think parents, even of adult children tend to to do it. Even if you have good intentions and just want the best for you kids.
Maybe you could give examples of what you have done, and what has worked for you. Also, remember that your kids might do things a different way whether you like it or not. I can tell this is a bit of a hard one for my own mom, but she is really good with it.

M....Parents with adult children seem to all have this situation, especally if they are concerned about thier welfare.I think parents with adult children all have this problem of rejection from them. We feel we are only being informative and helpful but they feel we are nothing but butt-in-skis and take rebuttal to our advice. We feel we are doing nothing wrong and try to tread on egg shells in order not to appear like a bossy mother or mother-in-law trying to tell them how to raise thier children or run thier lives. We've been there, done that and cried a lot over our mistakes but also take pride in raising such wonderful children who we are so proud of. And after all, we are older and we feel wiser because of all the mistakes and accomplishments we have made through the years. I don't know the answers because I can't see the errors of my ways. I have noticed in the all the televison shows I have watched, such as Three and 1/2 Men, the Mother is always the trouble maker and Mothers-in-laws are really witches. Is our society painting a bad picture and why are the children never at fault and accept us as we are? After all it can't be all our fault. I'm sorry I can not be of more help, just wanted you to know you are not alone with your frustrations.

PS..I"M a retired office manager from a public utility. My children's Father died when they were 5 and 7 after a long battle with cancer. I remarried for a few years and then divorced,so I've been the father,mother and bread winner of the family since the boys were quite young. I'm not complaining; but it was hard ,you learn from the school of hard knocks. I've been single now for a long time and guess I always will be, so my fmily is very important to me.

Dear M.: I am also a parent of an adult child. I wasn't acting appropriately when she moved out because I refused to accept being an Empty Nester. So, I did the opposite (the other option) of being a Perma Parent who nagged my child about paying bills, etc. or continued to "mother" her like she was still a teen. Luckly, I work for a gentleman who developed Family Building - a seven step guide to a healthy relationship with your adult children. I believe the timing was fate. Please visit www.familybuildinginstitute.com where you'll find my email address. I'm happy to discuss this with you. Take care. - S.

Hi M.,
As a mother of three myself, one of whom is a young adult, I understand the difficulties of watching our children make their own mistakes. I struggle not to give too much advice to my 21 year old, and when I do, I say it in the term of "I". In other words, don't offer advice by saying "You ought to", or "You need to", or "You should", say it like this: "if it were me, I'd...". I learned this trick through a psychologist, it helps keep others from getting defensive by being told what to do.

In my own adult experiences with my mother, whenever she says you ought to, you should, or you need to, I immediately get defensive and stop listening to her and do a mental eye roll. So, don't "tell" the kids what you see they "need" to do, but offer the advice in terms of what you would do in their situation. They'll learn from your experiences this way.

Best of luck!

Hello M.--I understand your problem since mine was similar, 2 children by my late first husband and a second husband (now deceased) who preferred not to be too involved with the personal problems of the adult children, although he was very kind and helpful when their financial problems got out of control. Now that they are older (middle aged) they seem to have their lives in order and never ask for my advice, and because they don't, I never give it although there are times when I would like to. Sometimes I feel free enough with my grandchildren that I can make comments and suggestions about their actions but I never do that with my children. My own parents never did with me so perhaps it's a genetic thing. Give them a hand when it might avert a life-threatening disaster but don't give them unasked for advice.

Well, I may not be qualified to answer this question, seeing as though my oldest son is only 8, but I wanted to offer an opinion. I feel very, very lucky to have a mom and mother-in-law who remain strongly involved in our lives and yet don't "meddle" in things that aren't their business (finances, parenting, marital issues, etc.) unless they are asked for their opinion. As a result, we as adults are much more likely to turn to them when we are seeking wise counsel on something and to involve them in our major decisions or at least consider their opinion. My father, on the other hand, has strong opinions about everything we choose to do and it has caused a huge strain on my relationship with him. I appreciate that he is trying to offer advice, but advice and criticism often have a very thin line between them. I tend to keep things from him because I don't want to hear that his opinion differs from mine and feel judged by it.

Of course, as a parent, you will never stop worrying about whether what your children are doing is the right thing, but let them be adults and give them the freedom to create their lives the way we all do... by living and learning. If you refrain from meddling in their business, they will probably be much more likely to ask for and respect your opinions and suggestions.

Trust your kids to make their own decisions and to learn from their mistakes. Offer suggestions or concerns if you feel something really major is going on that you can't leave unchecked, but don't offer an opinion on something just because it may not be the way you would do it. Love and support your kids at all costs, respect their individualism, and you will be able to maintain a close bond with them for a lifetime.

Hi M., I hope I'm not too late on my response. As an adult daughter (36) I only have two points that I wish my mom and dad would follow, even though I know parents have our best interest in mind:
1. Always offer a solution along with the "observation", but make sure the circumstances match the solution because times and circumstances have changed a lot from the time you were in our shoes.
2. Try to offer a praise before a critisism: Many parents only give advise or critism but rarely ever mention when they think something is being done correctly and we need to hear that too.
I hope this helps and thank you for allowing me to say what I should have the nerve to tell my own parents.

I am on the other end. I was such a caring adult daughter that I would pass questions to my parents just so they would not feel as though they were no longer needed.

Now as an empty nest parent, I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my adult son. He does not email as often as I would like, but it is okay.

He lives in my townhome, so he needs me as a landlord, so that helps communication. Also, twice a year, we take a long road trip together to my favorite outlet mall. I pay gas and buy him an outfit. It is during those trips that we reconnect. I need it more than he does, but I think he looks forward to the trips.

M., I just read this today, and I had to laugh. You are probably easy compared to me. I also have 3 grown children, all of which have been in the military, my two sons have serve in Iraq, but for the love of everything holy, I butt in all the time. I saw this coming when they were young, and schooled them in making sure they kept me in check. We all agree that I have a few problems. Last year, just a week before my oldest sons youngest baby was born, he called me and said we had to talk. I said alright whats wrong? He told me that his wife loves me very much and wants me in the delivery room again, however, she did not want him to hurt my feelings, but there will be new rules. I felt puzzled, I thought the last one, a couple years earlier went great. New Rule: You must stand at my wifes head, Kissing the baby when her head is the only thing out is not alright, and looks worse when you view it on the video, also do not take the baby from the doctor, please allow my wife to hold the baby first. Well you can only imagine my horror, that I had got over excited. Another true story, when my youngest son came back from Iraq, I asked my new daughter in-law, if I could run to him first. I guess what I'm getting out is the kids will tell you, when you have over stepped, don't get your feelings hurt, they still love us, and even through our crazy things we do, they know we love them. I have been very blessed, all three of my children and my daughter in-laws, love me and except the fact that I hang on for dear live. I hope this helps you, at very least, you will look like a saint compared to me. haha

I am a parent of two children and two step-children. My advice to you is never be critical, but offer support. As when we were young we had a hard time hearing our parents, so we thought. I have a great rapport with all four children. I am so greatful to be a part of our grandchildren's lives. My birth children have a hard time confiding anything to their father because he is so critical. My current husband is their life line and will sometimes contact him when they can't get me. When we have raised our children right, we have to let them hit some bumps and bruises even when it is hard for us to see. I hope this helps.

Hi M.,
Good question. I work with various age groups and understand your need for more support. I am 35 years old and the mother of a 10 year old and the daughter of a 60 year old, so I can't speak to your issue from the mother's perspective, but I can speak from being an adult daughter.
I know that one of the most valuable things my mother does for me is to listen and be compassionate. I don't really need her to solve my issues or give me advice, what I need is for her to reflect back to me what she is hearing, to be my sounding board. And I need her to support me in my decisions. Not that she has to agree with what I do or bail me out if I make a mistake. comments like "Wow, honey, you sound like you are really struggling." or "Gosh, that's a tough situation to be in, what are some of your ideas?" When she hangs back and listens, it actually makes me want to ask for her advice, and because I know she has been listening and cares, I value her advice more.
Just some ideas. Take what you like and leave the rest. But let me know how it goes.

I would stay completly out of it. You raised them. They are responsible for there own selves,decisions and fianances. If they need you they will ask for advice. I would not get into any of this otherwise some bad feelings will come about it.

Boy M. - this was a great question. And because I find myself in the same areana -- the answers have been great for me too!

S. S.

M.,

Just from reading the other peoples advice and questions I would say you are correct in assuming that this site doesn't offer the advice you are looking for in regards to "parenting an adult". Perhaps a site on how to be a supportive partner in parenting?

You are a grandma and this site's mission is to support moms in everything that has to do with the little ones and making the lives of parenting moms more easier and rewarding. What I am trying to say is if you are supporting your grandchildren and/or their moms and you want to recieve advice or to give advice with the ladies then this is the place to be.

Good luck!
G.

Hello M., I don't necessarily have "advice" for you, just a (I hope) gentle suggestion to check out AL-Anon...I have been attending meetings for a year, and I love the program. You can find meetings online, in the phone book, or by calling any local social service or counseling agency. There are many meetings in most areas to choose from...it's free, and it works for many of us who have been affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Any way, good luck!

Hi M., my husband and I have combined a family of total 13 children and when we married our children were grown and on their own, but all have called and needed adviced from time to time for all kinds of stuff, and what we have done was to explain how we dealt with the problem and now how we would handle it, sometimes things have changed over the years, but the one thing we do tell them, when it comes to children, you are the parent and you in your heart know what would be best and no matter how hard the road is we are with you, and in the long run, and if it takes many tears, it usually works out for the best; I quess what they really need is just for us to listen and let them know that we stand behind them, and we are always there, and we have 34 grandchildren between us and we do try to include everyone, and that is quite a job, but we love it. P. B

Hello,
I'm a young mommy and I would love if my own mom was more involved. I would love to hear advice from her! She is my mom after all! The only time I might be annoyed is if she didn't back off or if she took it personally when I didn't take it. ask them how they feel about you giving advice. I love advice from good moms who have been there done that. It is a real blessing. Just thought I'd let you know my thoughts:) good luck!

Hi M.! I can already tell you're a great mom by even inquiring about something like this.. I am 33 and my mom and I have an average relationship. Meaning we love eachother but each have really separate lives.. But I really only pay attention to her when she is supportive... when she gives me advice I didn't ask for.. or tells me how do something (her way) I happily do the opposite. No arguments, no discussion. I am grown, happily married, a mom of four-- don't tell me what to do.. However I do ask her advice.. and when I do-- then, I listen. So my response is like the others I've read-- be supportive.. be a great loving & very wise girlfriend to your daughters and daughters in laws.. and you can show them what to do about manage finances, raise their children, household tips, etc by doing it... eventually they will ask.. or atleast they will see you doing it.. and do it themselves which is another thing that I do although my mom doesn't know it. My mom also sends me really sweet cards for major and minor holidays which say I'm her friend, how great a daughter, mother, sister I am.. Its really sweet, I really need to do the same.. Gotta go.. GOOD LUCK! Youre already a great mommy!!

Oh, M., I really enjoyed your question -- we have three grown daughters. Two are married (one local, one out-of-town) and one is single and pursuing a masters degree. Daughter #1 has ALWAYS tended to listen to my advice, then do the opposite. Daughter #2 listens respectfully, then does exactly what she wants. Daughter #3 asks for advice, then debates whatever I say. They're all wonderful young women, but headstrong (I don't know where they get it from....). So if I feel I MUST offer advice, I usually tell it as a story -- "I remember when your dad and I bought our first house -- we found out that etc., etc., etc." That way it doesn't look so much like advice. The exception is when I feel I have to say something because it involves my grandchildren -- then I always start with, "It's none of my business, but I had a thought...." It's like walking a tightrope, isn't it??

D.