Teenage Boys

Spend as much quality time as you can with him. Do not let him fall away from the family. The need is great right now even if he doesn't want it. Let him know you are always there and he will test that, too.

At best, this is a tough and confusing age for kids. If you'd like a taste of what your son's experience is like, consider the following:

THE PROBLEM:

Adolescents are being pushed to grow up, not only by their parents and teachers, who understandably want them to set goals and assume as much responsibility as possible for behavior and grades, but also by advertising and entertainment, which show often less savory versions of "adult" independence, including rewards (like popularity, overemphasis on material goodies, maybe even drugs) for bad behavior and poor choices.

In reaction to this, parents confoundingly try to keep a lid on adolescent children, doing everything they can to keep the child from growing up too fast, or at least expressing their growing desire to act independently. This often shows itself as dysfunctional behavior by the adults toward the child (and vice versa). It's often really hard to recognize our own established, childish patterns putting on "adult" disguises when we become parents, but kids get it. They can feel, if not understand, that something is screwy, and they react against it. We start to "lose" them.

So right there, you have two very strong but opposing influences. For a kid, this is frustrating and confusing, and because kids run in tribes of peers, they see this perplexity mirrored everywhere. It's like an ocean that they are drowning in.

Of course, we all try to make sense of our lives, and your son is doing this too, all the time, whether consciously or not. Now add in the drive of hormones, which are probably beginning to kick up in your son, and the simple fact that his impulse control and ability to reason are a long way from maturing (though he truly doesn't know that).

The economy is shaky and kids may well wonder what financial future awaits them, no matter what responsible plans they make. And educators are required these days to prepare kids to pass tests, leaving much less time to emphasize skills that bring balance and wisdom to life. In total, the world that adults is offering to them begins to seem pretty irrelevant.

Add a "nasty" divorce to this mix, which, two years earlier may well have been parents fighting and/or punishing each other in various ways (more of that "adult child" behavior that's so hard for us to see in ourselves), and your son's bewilderment has quite possibly reached a level of intolerable saturation, leaving him feeling insecure, angry, maybe depressed. Parents get to behave in nasty ways, and expect kids to make not-nasty choices? Uh, oh, that's not going to work. It's pretty understandable that he would be seeking emotional relief, and this is where acting out, and turning away from parents, is rooted.

ONE SOLUTION:

So, if this makes sense to you, I would guess your son desperately needs to be heard with compassion. Can you take time to be alone with him, maybe take him out to dinner, laugh a bit over something you both find funny, and tell him gently that you are worried about your relationship with him? Let him know what you are sorry for in his life – contrary to weakening your position as parent, this helps him see you and adulthood in a clearer light – and express a desire to help his life become something that is more comfortable for him now and less potentially harmful to his future.

Ask him if he's angry at you and his dad, and LISTEN without defending yourself. Ask him what he thinks of school, and LISTEN without defending "the way it is." (Try just listening. You have already had, and will no doubt continue to have, countless opportunities to tell him about your disappointments with him.)

Let him know how much you care about him. Coax his dismay to the surface so you can both recognize it. Ask for his help in establishing a new way forward together. Express admiration and respect for the good choices he has been able to make so far (there are probably many) and for any good ideas he suggests. Ask him what sorts of support he would like from you. We want adolescents to be more adult, and this is one way of modeling that maturity.

This is not vague conjecture. I had a 7th-grade teacher do exactly this process for me, and I went from failing her class to getting straight A's. I'm still grateful for the modeling of compassionate adulthood that she offered. It was a pivotal moment in my maturation.

Blessings to you, M.. I'm glad you don't want to lose your son. Part of what goes on between you over the next few years will still look like loss, because teens are compelled to break away from their parents. But it doesn't have to be permanent or destructive.

This is a tough one but I can tell you what I did. I don't know what your specific situation is, did he witness domestic violence? is he hearing verbal bashing between the two of you? Is he put in the middle of your arguments??

My son was 9 and we had gone through the divorce but were still nasty to each other. We were so caught up in all of our b.s. that we forgot that we had children caught in the middle. This tears children apart in the worst way.

One day my still small son had such a fit of temper that he ripped a cabinet off it's hinges. Finally the light bulb went off in my dull head that things were not right. Once I pulled my head out, I sat down with him and told him we weren't going anywhere until I figured out what was going on ( we were supposed to be going to his uncles wedding that day, he was in it and I promised him we would miss it if we had to)
Basically, he told me he was sick of hearing his dad call me names and vice versa, the wickedness that he was dealing with in BOTH homes...it was stressful ect...
Now, I couldn't control what his dad did but I'll tell you what, I got on my knees and apologized to the bottom of my heart for putting him through this and gave my word he would NEVER hear me say another bad word against his dad again. I was a total idiot and completey out of line with anger but that it was no excuse to act the way I did...I expect my children to act better than I was.
I also made it clear to my folks, my new husband ect.... badmouthing dad was off limits.
Not knowing what he's hearing or witnessing is tough...so you just need to do your best to not respond to the negativity from his dad, be postive as often as possible, keep details to yourself about the divorce, and if at all possible, let your attorney know and see if you can't set up some kind of mediation so the two of you can sit in a controlled environment and say "look,...this is our divorce and it's affecting our son in a diverse way. We may not love each other anymore but our love for our son should trump any hard feelings we have" "lets find a way to handle this while putting our son as a priority"
If dad can't do it at least you can. One home of stability is better than none at all. Always let him know he can talk to you, if he has questions about something dad has said please let him know he can ask...don't get angry just answer his questions as honestly as you can without seeming to put his dad down...hopefully his dad will do the same and both of you can get through a horrible situation with your son's heart still intact....a good Christian counseler can also help him and you both get through this.
best of luck.
D.!
btw....just so you know, I did implement this very thing and it worked. It is unfortunate for his dad that he couldn't rise above the nastiness because his son doesn't speak to him anymore. I gave him one place of refuge from it and that is where he thrived the most.

First of all, let me just say that I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce. What a tough time for you all!

Also, I really admire that you are seeking advice about how to reach your son. My parents divorced when I was 13 and I really think that's a tough age to experience divorce. Some people think that a 13 year old is ready to handle the divorce and/or losing contact with a parent like they are an adult. In my experience, I suddenly felt like a small child all over again. I desperately needed my parents attention, but didn't really get it.

I think it's so important that you do what you can to show your son how special he is to you and show him that you have time for him. If you like to read, you might like The Five Love Languages for Kids. I really enjoyed that book. It helps you to detemine that best way(s) to show your child that they are loved.

Another book or website to check out would be Love and Logic. loveandlogic.com. There is at least one book geared specifically to parenting teenage children.

Best wishes to you, M.!!!
L.

I vote for counseling (for him) and/or parenting during divorce books for you and your soon-to-be-ex. I can't speak from the perspective of having a teenaged boy, but I can speak from the perspective of someone whose parents divorced when I was 17. I totally could see both of their sides, and it wasn't a nasty divorce--though it was not mutual--I felt that I could handle it because I intellectually understood. Not so, I began failing a couple of classes after getting mostly 'A's through high school. I would sleep all the time (a sign of depression), I was super moody, sometimes wanted to hurt myself and needed to rely on a journal and artwork to get all of the nasty emotions out. I say all this because I was pretty mature, and knew myself well and managed to work through my feelings in 6 months to a year, but even with that I went through a major depression and your son could be too. He needs someone to help him work through his feelings and he needs his feelings to be validated by you. The divorce may not be just part of his problem, but nearly all of it.

Although I do not have teenagers yet, I was a high school teacher before having kids.

From my perspective, the divorce is probably a big part of it, whether or not he admits it. The best thing you can do for him is show him and tell him that you care. Try your best to have a civil relationship with your ex and communicate with each other about what expectations you both have for your son. You may have different house hold rules, but you can probably both agree that getting good grades is important.

Try arranging a meeting with his teachers and/or the school counselor. This can often take away some of the anxiety of talking to these adults, and he may feel better about being at school. Often teachers are more willing to help struggling kids if they know they have the support of parents at home...kids are often more willing to work if they know their parents are going to hold them accountable. Try to involve your ex in the meeting.

Whatever is going on with your relationship with your ex, you are still both his parents and he needs to see that both of you still agree that he is important and that both of you love him and want to see him get back on track.

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Not to be negative, but you may start asking if he has tried drugs. He is at that age, and his antisocial behavior is a typical sign. It is better to ask and have him deny it, then ignore that it may be the problem and find out when it is too late to help him. The counselor can help you with this conversation too.

everyone expects teenagers to act out some, but you say you are going threw a nasty divorce. I would say this is a huge part of his behavior. He may be angry, and blame you or his father for his family falling apart. He may blame himself and think he is trouble any way. He could be having trouble at school, with friends, girls, puberty, and now his family is falling apart! I would get him someone to talk to, maybe a councilor or a mentor like big brothers and sisters. Someone "safe", who he feels won't judge him they way we all think our parents do when we are young.

I teach this age and it is CRUCIAL that parents are in their lives, as important (or more) than when they were a toddler. What are his interests? I think attention to his interests and going out at least once per week right now, and maybe fewer times later on is crucial. Have him choose what he would like to do for an evening, such as a Friday night or Saturday night. Go out to dinner or take him to a movie and talk about the subject afterwards. Or go hiking together or whatever it may be to try and connect with him. No forcing the issue because that would be perhaps trite and forced. But, let him know how much you care about him and his grades and SIT down with him and do his homework with him. Get in touch with his teachers and ask how you can help them. Just make it your priority to get in his business whether he likes it or not. Don't take no for an answer. They may seem like they don't want to hang out, but as I very well know being a middle school teacher, even the "toughest" ones want to be loved and be given attention. Don't spoil him, just let him know you care enough to spend time with him and help him succeed. That is what you are there for to love him and help him succeed. Good luck! Most of all let him know how much you love him.

M.,
I think the best way to reach him is to come together with his Dad and attack the school issue together. If you and Dad put aside the anger and current issues on this one subject you would be doing your son and the relationship you will have to carry on with your soon to be EX a great service. Make a plan for checking/helping with homework and
keeping on track with your sons daily assignments...go talk to the teacher at parent/teacher conferences together and even schedule a time to sit down with all 3 of you and let your son know that this is unacceptable and you all as a family are going to work together to get things put back on track. I do not know the situation with you and the Dad but this is an excellent opportunity for the two of you to prove to your son(and to yourselves) that you guys are going to be able to carry on life, albeit seperatly, and be able to be there for your son when he needs you both. Hopefully you can convince Dad of how important this is and the two of you can take a positive step forward in communication at the same time...as I see it this is a wonderful time for you guys to pull together because it stands for all that will be important to you guys in the near future...doing whats best for the kid!

You can do it Mom!

K.

I have some information on how you may be able to help your son and yourself dealing with this difficult time. I can e-mail you some information if you choose. I have had great results with my step daughter. Our relationship used to be one of us just dealing with each other because we had to and after using these tools we have the most amazing relationship. She even called me her spiritual mom. What a transformation. E.

Your divorce is not just a "part" of what he's going through. It's huge, and I speak from experience. Maybe for the sake of the rest of your kids' growing up years, you could call off the divorce and pretend to be nice to eachother for just a few more years. Fake it. Let your kids see you go to bed in the same room and then sneak out. Your kids have some solid ground for the remainder of their years at home is more important than any argument, large or small. Many may disagree with me, and I know they will. But you made a promise to eachother, and when your kids see you breaking that promise for any reason, they wonder why they should keep any of their promises...like promising to go to school, or promising to do their best, or promising to come home on time, or promising to not to drugs. Unless your hubby is violently abusive toward your children and you, it is my opinion that you should set aside your nasty quarrels and focus on your kids and being their for them TOGETHER for the next few years. But it's jsut my opinion. I"m not trying to judge. You didn't say the details, so set what I"ve said aside if it doesn't fit.

Hello M.,

If you are a reader I would reccomend the following books:

Parenting with Love and Logic
The Five Love Languages of Children
(there is also an adult one, too)

Both books will change your life and all of your relationships. They also have classes and seminars. I have seen time and time again change in parents, children and families using these methods.

Best of Luck...and it sounds like you might need a huge hug!!

Hi M.,

I too went through a nasty divorce and have a teenage son who is a guys guy. Still have a hard time with the Dad on everything so be prepared. My son and I had some really nasty arugments because he believes everything his dad tells him. I relate to my son through his downtime interests such as video games. Encourage stress relieving activities for him whatever that might be. My son likes hot showers so if he was having an angry momment; I would tell him to go take a hot shower. Boys have alot of angry momments. I say what I have to say and step back. Hoping it sinks in. I had to let go of what happens at his Dad house and tried to make it very clear that my house is mine since that Dad oversteps all the time. Your son will always feel that he is caught between parents so just beaware of that and remember he does love you. It just doesn't always show!!!

Hope this helps. Email me if you need too.

J.- (____@____.com)

I am divorced mom of two, boy 17 and girl 9.

14 is a tough age. You may want to consider some counseling as you are going through a divorce. One thing you and his father need to make him understand is that he is not responsible for the divorce. You need to set strict, simple rules and follow them. See if there is another adult (uncle, cousin, preferably male) who can talk to him, someone you trust Kids sometimes won't talk to their parents but they will open to another adult. The most important thing is to make sure he understands that you will love & support him no matter what.

Good Luck

Oh, M. - that's such a hard combination for you--- a tough divorce ( NO fun- boy, do I know) and a tough kid--- been there - had NO pleasure in it. My first suggestion is counseling, counseling, counseling- find a counselor that the two of you ( you and your son) can ''click'' with and work it like his life depends on it.

The other suggestion is this MAKE SURE that his bad behaviour has a consequence--- DON'T allow your fatigue to undermine his need to feel the effect of crummy behaviour--.
I'm sorry, dear heart--- this is really a bad time for you- but you can get through it-- remember - he's still the little boy who KNEW you hung the moon--- he is, really.

Blessings,
J.

The divorce is rocking his world, but don't let that be the excuse for him not doing his work. My 18 yr old nephew was just entering high school when my brother and his wife split. The nephew is basically a good kid, but used the divorce as an excuse to not do his work, making both parents feel bad, so every weekend with Dad was like a trip to Disneyland, all play for the both of them and no work. I strongly suggest a family counselor. If you and Dad can be civil enough towards one another, you need to go to school and meet with all his teachers, the counselor and your son at once and talk about expectations and consequences. You and Dad have to be on the same page when it comes to school work. As far as reaching him, he's a teenager and there's going to be some pull away from you Mom. Just keep the door open, no matter how much you hate what he's doing, you still love unconditionally the boy you gave birth to. He's having a hard reconciling actions and love. Like you use to love his Dad but because he did things you quit loving him, etc. You will never quit loving your son, but just like Dad, you have expectations of good behavior and there will be consequences for all behaviors, good and bad.

Counselor, the boy needs to be able to talk some place safe without the follow-up questions that as Moms we always ask.

I wish you well. Yes, it's a difficult time, but to persist is to achieve. Attitude is everything!!!!

Hey M.,
We have a 12 almost 13 year old. He does the typical teen stuff- argues, fights, doesn't do chores. I think much of it is just par for the course. However, I would definitely involve the school counselors. They are trained in this stuff. I would also HIGHLY recommend the Love and Logic series. My husband and I started listening to this and it has really changed how we interact with our son. We don't let him engage us in fights anymore, we let him make mistakes with consequences, etc. Good luck- it's never easy....