Ex-husband Texts 14 Year Old and Call Me Names

Keep a record of the texts and give them to your attorney. It's called parental alienation and I'm sure it's against the divorce agreement/visitation. Don't limit her seeing him - keep a record of all the times you offer extra visitation, and how many times he calls/cancels. If the weather is bad, print a copy of "current weather conditions" or any police advisories to stay off the road - but then offer him a make-up day. Try to get a schedule that you can agree to ahead of time - if you are making up the schedule every month, he feels a loss of control. I realize you are probably trying to incorporate the kid events and activities and then work him in around that, but it contributes to his loss of control and adds to his feeling like your pawn. So he asserts his authority in negative ways.

15 year old defiance is normal and may have nothing to do with her father's influence. Make your punishments quick and to the point, but never involving him or her access to him. I agree with her stepfather that certain things have to be ignored and that you don't have to go to every fight she invites you to, but I also think kids get away with sassing and then wanting a ride to the mall. So, for example, if she says you are stupid, walk away, but then when she wants a ride, suggest that someone that stupid shouldn't be behind the wheel with a kid in the car. I'd sit her down and tell her what her responsibilities are (basically to do well in school and do just a few things around the house as part of being a good family member), and that her only job is to have the best possible time doing it. That means she gets way more privileges if she stops the arguing and the disrespect, but that it's her choice of how she wants to spend her time. If she thinks it's productive to chew you out, you don't have to agree with it or listen to it, but it doesn't make you inclined to listen when she tells you how essential it is that she has a new outfit or $20 for pizza or a sleepover. And in a gentle moment, you can let her know that the way she treats other women (e.g. you,her friends) is how she thinks a man should treat her - it says a lot about her values and her character, and she's in charge of that.

What a mess. I really think that it would be good for you to go back to court and address this issue. Have copies made of all these conversations/texts and emails to substantiate all of this. Your worry about the constant texting, wanting to know what she is doing is a real concern and bringing this up with the court is important.

I also think that you would do well get her a teen counselor, one who is used to working with children with divorced parents.

I wish you a lot of luck dealing with this.

i'd keep track of those texts and bring them up in court. it's important that he have contact with his daughter, but if he's inciting her to be nasty and disrespectful, you may well legally be able to limit the types of communications he has.
in the meantime, i like that your husband is taking a low-key attitude. i don't know that you can ignore her nastiness, but i'm glad at least that he's not blowing up over it. stay calm, positive, and remove individual privileges for individual incidents. remember that at some point she'll be an adult and able to see her father's manipulations clearly for what they are.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I'm so sorry. Try not to turn what may be her normal teenage sassiness into something he alone caused -- some of this may come from her just being a kid of 15, and some may come from dad being a horrible example. Try never to say to her, "you were so sweet before your dad started messing with your head and calling me names in front of you" -- that will only make her defend him!

I have not been through this myself but I have heard and read that courts and/or court-ordered mediators can require parents in a nasty situation like yours to NOT bad-mouth each other and that if a parent breaks that agreement, that parent can lose privileges etc. I do not know for sure if this is true, so check it out. You and he might benefit from having an official mediator involved, someone with the authority of the court behind him or her, who can sit down with you both and tell him that if he texts or verbally abuses you in front of your child, then result X or Y will happen.

But only go that route if you really cannot ignore him. Otherwise I'd try to do just that, and to ensure that she never, ever hears you badmouth him in return (though he sure seems to deserve it....)

Remember, she is only three years away from being legally independent of you both -- this is not the time to alienate her or get into a huge fight with him over where she lives. She has chosen your home and he's very jealous, and pathetically begging for her attention (puppies? Seriously?!). If you can be seen by her to rise above it, to seem to pity him more than being angry, and to simply cut off things (as you have done!) that he has access to, so he cannot steal from you, without commenting to her on it -- she will have a much better example from you than from him.

I would not end phone access but I would tell her -- only the next time you know for sure he has called you a name in a text -- how sad and hurt it makes you that the man whom you had a child with would treat you that disrespectfully and unkindly in front of her. Then leave it at that, nothing else, and let her draw her own conclusions. Don't ever play the "poor me" to her about his comments, just indicate that it's hurtful but you move on.

He sounds extremely, extremely immature.

Stopping phone access can have legal ramifications you don't need.
I don't know what S&S points are, but if you still have the texts, maybe you can force him to compensate you for unauthorized use of your points and Netflix account.
This type of behavior is unfortunately not all that uncommon. I've been both the teen and the mom in (slightly) less severe versions of this. My parents criticized each other to me. My older daughter had to listen to her dad trash me for three years.
In the end, as painful as it was hearing all those awful things, I do have a relationship with both parents and my older daughter and I are pretty close.
You're also mid-teen years when tensions between moms and daughters can run high anyway. It can be difficult to figure out what is fairly normal teen girl attitude and what is the effects of attempted parental alienation. Consider counseling if your daughter is willing.

I have a very good friend with a similar ex. Imo he is a narcissist and verbally abusive and has tried similar approaches with her two sons. She made a decision long ago that she would take the high road - always - never bad mouthing the ex around her kid and not engaging when he tries underhanded tricks to turn their kids against her. She decided to put all her confidence in her sons, that they would figure out for themselves what was going on. They are now 14 and 17 and see how manipulative their father is - and greatly value their mother for letting them shape their relationship with them. I know it has been very hard on her, but is clearly bearing fruit. I imagine a good therapist could help you find your way through if you can afford it. Good luck!

I don't think you should block her phone access just to her father. That really does make you look biased and evil. However, if my child was treating me disrespectfully to ANYONE on her phone and doing it on my dime, that phone would be shut off 100%. That being said, there's nothing to say that she wouldn't just turn around and get one from dad, making him even more of the good guy.

Beyond that, I've got nothing - I've not been where you are in marital status or child age. I just feel for you, because that's crappy. Good luck.

Sounds to me like he's trying to alienate your affection. I would take him back to court and put a gag on his bad mouthing you.

At almost 15 she is still able to choose right and wrong despite what your ex says. And chances are she knows her behavior right now is not okay. She will look back and regret behaving this way. I mean think about it...she knows deep down somewhere that her dad is behaving like a child and she doesn't feel comfortable living with him. She is a smart girl..she is just being a teen. So my suggestion is focus on your relationship with your daughter since this is more important then trying to control what the ex says, fix what you can control, and move on.

(In my court order it has in the agreement that we are not aloud to trash talk each other to our child. I would recommend getting something like that put in yours)

This is a tough situation. Tough on your daughter, tough on you. Having been in a very similar situation in my 20s (my parents divorced when I was older), I can honestly say how hard it was on me, listening to the parent badmouth the other parent all of the time. It's BETTER to be the one who isn't THAT parent. Your ex is putting your daughter in an awful situation and what he doesn't realize is, the person he is hurting is your daughter. Have you had a conversation with your ex? Have you confronted him about his behavior and told him that you BOTH have a mutual goal, which is to raise your daughter to have good self esteem, self worth, etc. Unfortunately, kids internalize this type of behavior and can become depressed, anxious, etc. If you can't deal with your ex directly, I would get your daughter into some therapy. She will need it.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it's hard.

Hang in there. It will get easier as she gets older. Your ex is resentful and using your daughter to get back at you since she is still a child. All of the advice you have received so far is good. I went through this with my daughter's dad for many years. My daughter is now 18 and things are so much better than years ago. I no longer speak to my ex because there is nothing to say as our daughter is an adult.

My best piece of advice to you is to stay positive in this situation. Do not feed into his drama. Show and tell your daughter how much you love and respect her. I know it is hard to be positive when your ex is pushing all the right buttons, but believe me, she will appreciate it in the long run. Build a strong foundation in your relationship with your daughter now because adulthood is just around the corner and things will change.

Best wishes.

This sounds so familiar. If you take her phone he will most likely buy her a new one. This happened with my oldest. Then I was always told I could not take the phone away if he had bad grades or was grounded because I didn't give it to him. I know his father bought him it so he could call him whenever he wanted to. If he wasn't putting me down to the kids and acted how a father should it wouldn't have been a problem but my son used it as a way to call and complain about me or my rules and his dad went right along with it. It has always been hard when it comes to rules because his father and step mother try to be their friends and let them do whatever they want. This has caused many problems with the way their lives are conducted. It is what he has to do to make the kids think he is the fun parent and want to be there putting me down. Also he doesn't have the values the kids needs to be taught meaning he was always left home on weekends while parents were out of town having parties and girls over and no respect for the parents rules or belongings. I had rules as a child and I realize now more than ever that that is what children need. I have issues with the step mother trying very hard to take my place. Even right infront of me. If this behavior is going on with the father do not give in to her moving in with him. It will only get worse and your daughter won't treat you with any respect. I am suffering from that mistake and my son and I's relationship has seriously changed. He rarely calls me or spends time with me anymore. If you want to talk message me. I've been through a lot of garbage with the irresponsible ex.

Both you and your daughter would benefit from therapy as there are some issues to resolve. Best wishes.

Yes, your ex is being a ba$tard! He needs attention and, just like a kid, even negative attention is sufficient. You just have to find the way to take the high road. Does your daughter know you are able to read her texts? If not, she doesn't need that information. That is your way of protecting her at this age. 15 is not an age of the best decison making... You have done well to remove his access to your accounts.

As for the dinner date, I would not have said no. He is not your child and probably knew you wouldn't let him. I would have let her make the decision. "Daddy wants to come up to take you to dinner. It's a bit chilly outside and the weather may get worse. Do you want to go?" or make another plan with the family and let her choose. You may not always win this one, but it gives her choices and lets her feel more trusted.

Don't stop the phone calls. Teach her how to handle them better. Most people have a rocky relationship with their parents in their teens... No one wants to be told they can or cannot do things. Cutting the proverbial apron strings is a tricky time. You need to make more time for your daughter. It's time to build that relationship. Take her shopping, do events/dates with her... be an involved mom.

Good luck!

L., I completely feel for you. We have a similar situation with my husband's ex. The bad mouthing and all these other extraenuous things are awful. I am not 100% sure but I read somewhere that divorced parents are not allowed to bad mouth each other. You may want to ask a lawyer about that and they may be able issue some type of gag order. It's very unfortunate that as divorced parents we, as the primary care taker, don't have many rights. We can't prevent them from seeing our kids and we can't ask them to stop bashing us because it's like talking to a wall. Your daughter is at that teenage angst age which doesn't make it any better for you. The good news is is that you can have a real sit down with her and be honest about your feelings toward her dad and towards her attitude. If need be, teenage girls really relate to crying and they hate to see their mom's cry, use it that knowledge. We did it with my step daughter who is almost 14 and some info sank it. We explained to her why her parents divorced, we told her that her mom is not always right when it comes to "daddy" and that people should not be treated badly just because they broke up, and explained to her what is expected of her when she's with us. Unfortunately we can't control what is being said about us, but at least we gave her the information to enable her to make better judgments and maybe to even stop the bad-mouthing as she gets older. I really believe that when the kids get older they won't look favorably at the parent who acts like a child rather than an adult.

Good Luck